Chapter Ten:

I ran up the hill, following the path by bittersweet memory. Early morning exhaustion and fraying anxiety clung to me like the dew on the limp grass, but the faint warmth of the early morning sun on my back acted as the push I needed to keep going. I was lucky to have snuck out when Kiyoko rarely slept the night before, her worried voice still clear as day in my mind. I bore my own concerns, too, which was I why I was taking the trip; I had to so nothing else could hold me back.

Climbing the hill was like walking through a room filled with mirrors, a slightly different me looking back at the reflection each time. One moment I was in my windbreaker and tracksuit making the twist on the path, next I was slowly ascending behind the line of priests in white. It had been...awhile, least to say, since I'd last visited. Aunt Hiroki scolded me every once in a while for not joining her and Gou on the annual picnics there, but...

I could never bring myself to face her...

Another bend in the path and I came face to face with the forested grave site, Mother's a few feet from Mr. Matsuoka's at the far end. The last steps to Mother felt like wading farther out from the shore. I was held back by fear, by regret. But I couldn't ignore her forever. I had to see her.

Kneeling before the marker, I glanced at the chrysanthemums held in a weathered bouquet. They felt like paper on my fingertips, their perfume long gone. I should've taken the time to buy her lilies, her favorites.

"Hi, Mothe-...Mom," I whispered.

Staring at her name etched on stone, I remembered her smile, her laugh, her calming voice. Somehow, recalling it all made her seem alive again; like she was facing me right then and there, with her unruly rose-colored hair in a bun and lily-scented skin. It made the hurt real again...

The mental image was a catalyst to my storming emotions, and like a drain, they spilled out of me and into the air.

"God...I'm sorry, Mom. I'm so sorry...that I haven't come to visit sooner. I've been...away...but I know now...I had to see you before I go.

"I'm attending Samezuka...I know it's not the best school to go to become a biologist like you, but the classes aren't that bad, and you must've already known about it. It sounds crazy, but I feel like I see you sometimes when I'm swimming.

"Yeah, I joined the swim team, and I reunited with Rin. Remember him? He used to smile a lot and once called you 'sir' by mistake?...He's not as friendly as that anymore, but we...well...our relationship is weird, maybe non-existent at this point because...because I couldn't promise to swim with him. Secretly, though, I really want to. I want to be as good as him. I...want to be by his side...But...

"Mom, sometimes I have no idea what I'm doing. Nothing went as planned, and I hurt others along the way. Y-you would've known what to do in these situations. You always knew what to say and how to comfort me...But you-you're..."

I took a deep breath to steady myself before saying, "Wherever you are now, Mom, if you can, please watch me swim today in the tournament. I'm going to swim for my friends, my teammates and you. So please watch."

It took a minute or so before I could move. Sitting before her grave, I wanted to cry. God, did I want to cry, but I couldn't alarm my captain or Kiyoko with tear stains on my face. And...

As I stood up, the salty breeze tossed my bed-head waves off my shoulders, and in the hum of the air came a whisper so soft I thought I imagined it: "I always will be, darling."

Everything felt so much lighter like a weight off my chest. It gave me the courage I needed to face my opponents that day. Mother was going to be watching, so I needed to do twice the best I could.

Wanting another glimpse of her, I turned back to her site, catching movement ahead at the cliff's edge. I looked up and found none other than Rin standing before his father's gravestone, tapping his fist on it saying something inaudible. My horrible luck was to blame, but also that I forgot the likeliness of him being there at the same time and that he could've heard me talking to my mother.

He started toward me, making my breath catch by surprise. Quickly, I moved to disappear down the stairs, but his voice stopped me in my tracks.

"Don't waste the energy yet, Mio. I know you're there."

I rolled my eyes at his stingy attitude.

"What if I was trying to give you privacy?"

As he came closer, he gave me a look of disbelief. I flicked a loose strand of hair in defeat, tempted to walk away from him. From the corner of my eye I saw Rin bow to Mother's grave, then walk ahead nonchalantly.

"You comin' or what, Mio?"

I looked to Mother's grave, thinking, See what I mean, Mom? before following him.

"What are you laughing at?" he asked when I caught up with him.

"I wasn't."

"I just heard-"

His head turned, his eyes widening at something behind me. I was ready to ask him about it, but he dismissed it with a, "Forget it," and trotted down the steps.

"H-hey, don't just walk off like that," I demanded, chasing after him.

Kiyoko couldn't deny her contagious anxiety no matter how much she tried to talk her stress away.

Riding the public bus beside Rin was already unsettling, especially after he corrected me when I thought I would be able to catch the teams' before they left, but having to hear Kiyoko rabble on about nothing released a wave of cold dread down my back. Her nervous voice echoed in the tunneled hallway leading into the locker room, its hollow murmurs like knives burrowing into me. There wasn't a chance either of us could go on like that for much longer.

"Oh, sorry. Am I talking too much? Sorry, I-"

"Aika."

With a motion of my hands, I emphasized a deep breath through and out the mouth. Kiyoko repeated it, oblivious to my message by the quirk of her brow.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. "You need to calm down."

"O-o-oh...". She pouted. "I-I'm sorry..."

"You don't need to be sorry. You just need a little confidence."

"That's...easy for you to say, senpai. You're not worried at all. You're...brave..."

With a sigh, I said," Trust me, I'm not that admirable. And don't get too upset; being nervous is a sign that you care about the race a lot. Some people take that for granted."

When she began to respond, I urged her ahead, trying to avoid more nervous chatter. She matched my speed, coming up to my side with rekindled hope in her smile. It gave me little, but I pretended to be confident so she wouldn't worry. Truthfully, I was slowly descending into a deep abyss on the inside. I tried to be calm, stay sharp as we entered the brightly lit locker rooms. The district tournaments weren't that difficult, as I'd heard from the captain. I was confident in my training, but all the while there were so many ways of screwing up. Then, there was Rin, with his intimidation and his smug, heart-rendering frown and the possibility of seein-

"Nanami-chan...?" a tiny voice said.

Kasumi...

I turned around to find her wide-eyed, her long hair tucked into her swimming cap and her swimsuit already on under her pinkish team jacket. Kiyoko walked away to give us space with a bow of her head to Kasumi, sending my heart racing with anxiety. That one possibility of seeing her, right as I was thinking of it...I had to stop jinxing myself.

"Umm," she squeaked, "do you...have a minute?"

She looked up at me with doe-like eyes that I couldn't say no to. I chided myself inside after I agreed.

Her smile appeared with a relieved exhale, shoulders deflating as if she'd been holding her breath too long. A tiny flicker of joy in her eyes flew like an arrow into my heart. I almost didn't want to hear her out in case I would disappoint her all over again, but I couldn't turn away from her. The tiny girl that stood before me held a new kind of determination, an odd sort of confidence in the way she stood tall before speaking, yet it was that kind of attitude I took advantage of those years ago and-

"Are you going to swim freestyle?" she asked.

I took a breath before answering, "Yeah..."

Why did say it like that? I sound like I'm annoyed.

"That's great, Nanami-chan," she said with a heartfelt smile. "And...if it's not too much to ask...can you do me a favor?"

"S-sure...what is it?"

She fiddled with her fingers, her new-found confidence slipping up too soon.

"I want-I...I want you to race me in the freestyle race with everything you got." Her eyes flickered wide for a second and then she added," Well, what I mean to say-because, of course, you'd be racing seriously-I mean-"

I nodded to her, feeling a weird mixture of guilt and comfort. "I will. And I understand what you're saying. I look forward to swimming with you today."

Her grin was like a bright, little bloom in spring weather. "Okay!" she bashfully said, then gave an excited farewell before racing toward the exit.

Watching her walk off like that, I wasn't sure if I was comfortable with taking her on. I could almost say for sure that she had moved on from the incident way back when, but there was something wrong...almost like she were too nervous...Or maybe it's just me.

I forced myself to take another deep breath.

Whatever the matter, I couldn't dwell on it for long. I changed into my suit and jacket, remembering all of my captain's lessons as I tied back and tucked my hair in my cap.

Rotate my hips, kick with the front of my feet, extend my arms. I can do this! I thought as I made it to the assembly area. No more screw-ups today!

Chie met me there as I walked in. Her voice echoed off the walls, pooling into my head with the rest of the swimmers' voices bouncing around. I spotted her by her orange-ish locks from the light at my end of the tunnel. She patted my back, asking me a bunch of routine questions I felt annoyed to answer.

"Ate properly?"

"Yup."

"Hair in the cap?"

"Yup."

"What about stretches?"

"Just about to start."

She shook her head. "You don't have enough time. The fourth heat is just about finished, and they're calling for the fifth lineup now. Do a few arm flexes and leaps while you're waiting," she prescribed as she led me to an official.

After she disappeared and I was placed accordingly in line, I started with my meager warm-ups. A few muscles gave a satisfying pop as I stretched my arm out under my chin, but did little to ease my mind.

This is show time, I thought. I have to show my captain that our training meant something, that I am a swimmer to Kasumi and Ri-

Splashing caught my attention from the end of the tunnel, followed by people cheering. The sunlight faded away, leaving me breathless at a sight I'd never seen before.

Rin was in the lead by an enormous margin, his friend left in his wake. I didn't know what to make of it: my teammate gliding to the finishing point like a seagull would fly over the sea, that is until I caught a passing glance of his face. It was almost as if he knew before-hand that he was going to win; like he was basking in victory with a greedy grin spreading across his lips. No...it was a grin that he wore to threaten the competition, maybe even his friend, a challenge to beat him.

Like a shark daring his prey to stand against him.

I realized I was standing slack-jawed, my arms at my sides for God knows how long. With a low groan, I quickly shifted wandered back to Rin. He stood before his friend's lane, talking down to him like he were a servant. I almost stopped stretching again. Rin was an ass, yes, but he wouldn't gloat in another competitor's face about winning...would he?

That...no-he wouldn't. And it's not like it's any of my business. As soon as the boys are out of the pool, it'll be my time.

Hearing the girls behind me whisper to themselves or friends nearby didn't help my nerves. I could feel the tension in the air like the slight breeze through the exit, a cold chill racing down my spine afterward. The feeling brought back memories from before, where I stood speechless in front of my bullies; from when I took on Rin and watched him laugh in my face. It was a turning point for me once again, where I stand on a precipice before the fall. I could've retreated and not have to face my fears, to forget the worries and horrible memories...but they didn't control me. My goal was to win, to prove myself and my team weren't just any other competitors.

A few minutes passed by like seconds, and the next I knew the group was marching out into the sunlight. One step after the other, I paraded with them in silent anticipation.

The first thing I noticed was the low hum of the crowd in the bleachers. My own team watched silently, their eyes all locked on me, even the boys' eagerly spectating. It didn't give me any encouragement to think that Rin was among them, but catching my captain nod to me set me straight. I stood on the diving board at the opposite end of the pool, adjusting my goggles when a flash of baby blue flickered on my right. Kasumi stood two boards down from me, unaware of where I was, but there came a nervous smile fighting to be visible from the corner of her mouth.

I have to stay focused on the race for her, I reminded myself as my fingers pressed onto the edge of the board. She's counting on me to swim seriously. And I can't keep letting her down...I can't let my team down.

My ears rang with the silence that followed. The seconds merged with the racing of my heart, skewering my focus as I listened, waited. Relaxing my muscles, I fought against the pressure and started counting down.

Three...

One breath in.

Two...

Exhale.

One...

Grip on the board. Raised my lower end. This is it, Mom.

The bell came like a passing glance.

And then I sprang from the board.

Cheers dimmed underneath the clear, blue water, pounding in my ears as I came up for breath. My body buzzed with adrenaline, like thousands of bees swarming inside me, speeding me up a head's length before the girl on my left. I let myself relish the joy of bubbles tingling on my skin as I swooped my arms out one after the other and back at my sides, careful not to let my mind wander. Chie was watching, and it was like I could physically feel her studious eyes on me while I turned my head to breathe.

Be constantly aware of who might be around you. Don't use all of your energy at once because if the lead swimmer's out of reach, you'll have used it for nothing. Keep your pace, but don't piddle away at the back of the group.

Her lessons came to mind as I caught a glimpse of a girl on my right speed ahead. We were a quarter away from the turn, and I wasn't tired yet. One moment of hesitation would've cost me everything, so I quickly sped up to her level, bracing myself for the turn as the wall grew more and more visible.

When it was time, I tucked under myself, catching my foot on the wall and propelling forward with a giddy flutter in my stomach. With all of the sunlight and foam surrounding me, it was hard to make out where the competition was. But then a head of blue hair came into view as I caught my breath.

Kasumi seemed to have zoomed right into place, gasping for air as she turned her head the opposite direction. For a second I was stunned. I never knew she had that much determination to win, much less the physical capacity. And even though it was obvious she exerted all of her energy already, I sensed that there was a lot more fight left in her.

Alright, Kasumi, I thought, it's just you and me now.

It only mattered about her and me for the last leg of the race. I pushed myself forward, stretching my arms out farther after the bend, kicking faster with the front of my feet. In between glimpses, I could see us pulling further and further out from the rest of the group, gathering the attention from the crowd with my team cheering me on.

In the climax of the race, the most important five seconds to everyone there, I already hit my breaking point. My body ached as I propelled further, lungs burning after another sharp breath peppered with tangy chlorine water. Kasumi caught up, perfectly parallel to me and head turned toward me. The fear in her eyes told me everything. She already knew that she couldn't push herself anymore. I took the lead as she started slowing down.

Disappointed, I pressed on one final time before the finish. My right hand stretched out, ready to meet cool tile. I tried to be positive about it, thinking of how my team would react to us going to finals and I'd get to swim again, but that wasn't enough to satisfy. I almost felt robbed of my victory. What good was winning when your opponents gave up at the opportune moment? What's good about winning when I couldn't compete against Kasumi anymore?

"No!" a voice gasped behind me.

I saw her hand reach out, so close to the wall that I did a double-take. Mine reached ahead, calling the race, but I saw her touch base at the same time.

Cool air filled my lungs as I took it in with greedy measure. I bent over the wall of the pool for a moment to fight past the lactic pain shooting up my legs, my back, and arms like poison in the veins. Then I looked up at the scoreboard, squinting past sharp sunlight to look at my time.

I stifled a gasp.

She was behind by only two seconds?! I thought.

Turning back to her, I watched as she struggled for breath, pressing her forehead to tile with her goggles still on. For a second, I thought she needed help, but then she looked at me with a spark in her eyes so foreign for such a timid girl.

"Isn't it great?" she said between breaths.

"What is?"

"Swimming?...Like...this?"

Not knowing how to react, I inclined my head. "You sure you're okay, Kasumi-chan?"

A breathless laugh escaped her lips. "I'm fine...I just...finally realized...something important...is all."

She eased out of the pool with some slack, waiting as I climbed out after and dipped her head.

"Thanks for swimming with me," she said.

"Thank you, too...I-umm-I wanted to also-"

"Nanami-chan!"

Just as I was about to say something, I felt a pair of hands pull me back, and others swarm me from behind. My whole team surrounded me with grins and cheers, my own captain embracing me and talking too fast for me to understand. I hesitated while walking back with them indoors, looking for Kasumi over heads and shoulders. Somehow, she managed to disappear, but I figured I could catch her in the locker rooms. The butterfly events weren't going to start for another hour or so, giving me plenty of time to rest.

Later, I finally found her in the locker room on one of the benches, alone and fiddling with her goggles. When I called out her name, she gave a slight jump before turning to me.

"You-your teammates aren't with you?" she squeaked.

"Uh, no," I said, feeling slightly insulted. "Most of them are getting ready for their own events. What about yours?"

"I think they're trying to gather the rest of the group together."

It was a bold-faced lie. Kasumi looked away before finishing her sentence, then she started chewing on her lip. I knew what was really happening. Seeing as how she lost, she wanted to be alone. And if I was interrupting her, I had to either cheer her up or leave her be.

I shouldn't have said anything.

"Hey, Kasumi-chan," I replied. "You did really good out there. I almost thought for sure you had beaten me. You've come a long way..."

"Not...as long as you. You were so great. You...deserved to win."

My thoughts struggled to form the right words as the awkward silence hovered around us. Kasumi continued to distance herself as I looked at her with a gaping mouth, fighting to say something.

"Well, uh," I managed to say. "There's still a lot planned for today. You probably signed up for a lot more and your-"

"Thanks for saying that...but I think I'm done for today..."

She gripped her goggles tight in her fist. She refused to look at me, and I couldn't believe what she'd just said.

"What are you talking about? You can't give up now!" I snapped.

When she kept silent, I continued, "Why would you say something like that? Just because of one loss you can't up and quit-"

I moved toward her so she could look at me, but instead, I fell silent when she flinched. All that guilt from before cascaded over me like ice water, the realization just as brutal. It was me. I was the reason she didn't want to swim, no matter how much she asked earlier to compete seriously with me.

"I get it. I thought we could swim together, but thanks for proving otherwise before I got my hopes up. Good luck for the rest of the day...Misuzu-san."

I didn't wait for her to say anything as I stomped out of the lockers and into the hallway, bumping into a group of familiar faces moving in the opposite direction.

"Watch where you're goi-hey, aren't you that one girl from the Samezuka meetup?" a blond girl asked with an English accent.

Her brashness caught me off guard. "You're...Iwatobi?"

"Yeah. Sorry about our friend Ella, here," the tall, brown-haired captain said. "She's not exactly a people person."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

While the captain and teammate seemed to go off in their own conversation, the quiet, teal-haired girl stepped forward and asked, "We hate to interrupt you, but have you seen our teammate, Kasumi-chan?"

"Yeah, she's short and wearing buns in her hair," the brash one added.

"I...I know who she is," I said, remembering that I was still upset with her. "She's in the locker room."

The others went ahead with short bows of their heads, but the third one stayed behind and asked me, "Are you the friend that Kasumi-chan saw at the meetup from before?"

Stopping without turning, I replied, "How am I supposed to know? I don't see how we can still be friends..."

And it honestly felt like the truth then. If Kasumi were my friend, she wouldn't have held back what she really wanted to say. She wouldn't have let me walk away like that. She wouldn't have treated me like a stranger.

This isn't the victory I wanted.

Where did I go wrong, Mom?