Okay forewarning lots of violence and triggers including suicide in this chapter, skip it if you can not handle it.
We step from the shower, to say I am nervous is an under statement, I am not even sure I am capable of going through with this. Paul wouldn't care if I wanted to participate or not but Colt will and he will stop if I show any sign of fear. I'm trying to force down my nerves as we head in the bedroom together, Colt turns and takes my hands into his caressing the back with his thumbs. I think of confessing that this may not be a good idea it may be to soon for me, but at the same time I haven't wanted this with Colt for so long that I am unwilling to voice my anxiety. I've decided to get through this any way possible, even if I have to pretend. I want Colt more than any one I have ever wanted, I need Colt, and I want to please him. He has been patient with me, and I need to give into both of our desires. He pulls me close to his body and I wrap my arms around him, burying my face into his neck I breathe him in and that soothes my worries at least a little bit. He runs his hands along my back, walking slowly until the back of my knees hit the bed. I sit and slide to the middle of the bed, laying back I watch him wondering what he is thinking. He sits beside of me and I know he is backing out, he is about to voice this when my ring tone fills the room. I glance over at my phone not sure who the hell would be calling this late. I grab at it and frown handing it to Colt, it is his mother I wonder why she would be calling me. I grab at Colt's phone and notice it is silences and he has several missed calls and texts from his family. I glance through them and see that his dad is in the hospital, he is already yanking clothes on as he speaks. I stand and follow suit, once we are dressed we head out to the living room he disconnects the call and pulls me tightly to him.
"I got to go to the hospital, I'm sorry tonight has been a slight disaster, I'll call you and update you on the situation. I'll see you soon get some rest." he plants a quick kiss onto my lips and before I can even offer to go with him he is out of the apartment, and I am alone for the first time in weeks. I walk over to the door and make sure all of the locks are in place. Going over to the TV I settle down flipping through the channels hoping Colt's dad would be okay. The phone ringing by the door startles me, I glance away from Antique Roadshow and stare at it. It's the phone connected to the lobby and they only call when someone is here to visit. I'm guessing Colt called someone to come babysit me so I stand with a sigh and grab the phone.
"Yes" I hear the guard inform me that I have a visitor "Who is it?" I ask this only because Colt would kill me if I just let someone come up without finding out who it is. I hear muffled voices and then my heart begins to speed up.
"A Mr. London" I lick at my lips glancing around the apartment, wondering how he found me, how he knew to come here. My hand trembles as I try to figure out what to do next. "Sir do you want me to spend him up?" I close my eyes and think maybe I should just hand up the phone and hit the alarm button, I do have a restraining order he is not allowed to be here trying to see me.
"Yes send him up' I whisper not even sure why I give this permission. I hang up the phone and with in a minute hear a knock at the door I glance through the peep hole confirming that it is Paul. I chose not to open it, leaning against it and speaking loud enough so he is sure to hear me. "Go the fuck away, I don't know how you found out where I live, but you are not allowed to be here, leave now or I will call the police." I hear his laugh through the door and glance around snatching my phone of the stand where Colt had left it. I flip it open and hesitate to dial the police, instead I scroll to Ace's name.
"Let me in Punk, we need to have a talk. I know you are alone in there so open up the fucking door. I made sure Colt would have to leave, don't worry his dad will be fine it's just a little case of food poisoning. It wasn't very hard to locate you Punk I just slipped into Gabe's office and went through his files until I found the new address. Big upgrade, awful lot of security, doesn't work if you let me in though does it. Open the fucking door now!" I blink at the door unsure of what to do it's like my brain took a vacation the moment I heard his name, I need help that much I know. He starts to pound on the door and I stand staring at it, finally hitting the send button on Ace's name, I place the phone to my ear, hoping to scare Paul off. As soon as ace picks up I start speaking.
"I need help, a man I have a restraining order against is at my front door trying to force his way in." I am speaking loud enough for Paul to hear me hoping he thinks I am on the phone with the police. I hear Ace say he is on his way. I give Ace my name and address hoping he catches onto what I am doing. He does and tells me that a car has been dispatched to my location. I smile slightly but I can tell I am angering Paul more.
"I have a fucking gun Punk, open the door before I start shooting. I'll take out your neighbors and any one else that shows up. Open the fucking door now bitch." I know Ace can hear him and I pray he is just lying but can I really risk it. My hand reaches for the lock shaking, I stop and wait, hearing no shots, nothing I take a quick peak through the peep hole again. He is pacing back and forth in front of my door, I set my phone down and decide maybe I can end this peacefully before ace gets there.
"Paul you need to go, the police are on the way. We are over, you need to move on. Just go home Paul, meet someone else, maybe get some therapy. I don't belong to you anymore, you need to go now." Okay apparently using reason was not the right way to go, he is throwing himself against the door trying to get in. The commotion he is causing is going to get us kicked out of here, not to mention the neighbors I am sure he is freaking out. So I do the only thing I think I can do to stop him, leaving the chain on the door I turn the deadbolt slipping the door open slightly. "Stop it, you are making a fucking scene." His face is pressed int the opening and he literally growls in my face.
"Open the fucking door Punk, or the scene I make will be much worse. Everyone will know how much of a whore you are. Open the fucking door!" I close my eyes and shove the door closed in his face, my hand reaching for the chain. Swallow hard, he has such a hold on me, I know I shouldn't let him in but he'll be so much more mad if I refuse. I start to slide the lock out of place the moment the chain hits the door it is flung open and I am on the floor. His fists rain down on me, I put my hands over my head to try to prevent injury. He just strikes my chest and stomach, I can't breathe I can't even get him to try to stop. I taste blood, and feel my ribs breaking from a particularly hard blow. "Who the fuck do you think you are? You don't get to leave me you little bitch. I decide when this is over not you! You need to learn a fucking lesson, you've been spreading these legs for Cabana, yo fucking whore. Now you are going to spread them for me, and when I am fucking done with you he will never want to touch you again. You pathetic, ugly, stupid freak, no one is ever going to want you again." He is screaming and I am pushing against him, struggling, wondering why I ever opened the door, why am I so weak. His hands are yanking at my clothing and I am finally fighting back, my fist hitting wherever I can connect. I hope Ace hurries the hell up, I wonder if they will let him in. Hell I think Paul is on a do not let on the premises list but he still got up, only because I agreed though.
He stands and kicks me several times in the side, stomping down on my chest and stomach. Then he is dragging me by the hair across the room, my nails rake at his skin, I scream for hims to stop, I yell for help. I look at the alarm panel, there is help, if I could just get to it. He drags me towards the kitchen and I cringe, if he gets into the kitchen with me he would have a weapon in a heart beat and I can not allow this. I punch at his knee, letting go of the hand that is pulling out my hair, I do this a few times before he finally lets go of the peroxide strands. As soon as he does I scramble to my feet, ignoring the pain in my body I scramble across the room. He is right behind me, grabbing at me but I was always a little faster so I use it to my advantage. As soon as I can reach I slam my hand onto the alarm setting it off, the blaring fills the apartment, and he screams obscenities at me, finally catching me I am flung to the ground again. He is on top of me, and his hands are choking me, I claw at his face, and drive my elbow into his windpipe. I'm not even sure he feels anything I am doing to him, the rage in his eyes is frightening. I think he may be on drugs at the moment, and I wonder if that was why the sudden change occurred. I feel myself about to pass out, lack of oxygen and pain ripping through my body. He hands suddenly leave my neck and I take a grateful breath of air, his hands are yanking my pants down and I'm suddenly on my stomach. I claw at the floor, trying to drag myself away, his weight pinning me down. I feel his erection and I gag, there is now ay I am letting him do this, I slam my head back catching him in the chin. He groans and grabs my hair slamming my head down several times into the floor under me. I hope to black out, the fight in body is weakening and I don't want to be awake if he gets to do what he wants.
Suddenly his weight is gone, and with a dizzy head I glance back, the security guards from the lobby have arrived, and so has Ace. I wish the alarm would stop my head hurts so much already, I try to focus on the commotion, the guards have Paul and Ace is screaming at him, Joe is here also, I wonder how Joe knew to come. I clutch at my aching chest and stomach too exhausted to really move, I'm still having trouble breathing, gasping for the air into my lungs. My mouth is filled with blood so I spit it on the floor, that little action catches Joe's attention and he lets go of Ace rushing to my side. I look at him and wonder if he knows that he has a twin. His fingers move my hands and I see his eyes widen, I wonder why but don't have the energy to ask. "An ambulance is on it's way Punkers just do me a favor and don't pass out, stay awake, and I know it hurts but keep breathing." I focus on him and then Ace also both hovering over me, Ace slides my pants back into place looking at me questioningly and I shake my spinning head no. He breathes a sigh of relief and I just focus on the breathing the burning in my chest and the fact that I keep swallowing down blood.
"Colt is so going to rip you a new one, why the hell did you let him in?" I want to answer Ace but it is getting harder o stay awake. I use the last of my energy to lift my head and look down wondering why my chest hurts so much. The right side is black, deeply black, and I think about the feeling of my ribs breaking. I think this is probably not good, and that the bruise is going to hurt like a bitch. I manage to stay awake when the EMT arrive I try to listen, when they move me I want to scream. I don't protest the IV's, and oxygen, I don't fight anything they do. I know Ace will make sure they don't give me anything I don't want. I even manage to stay awake in the ambulance, but by the time we reach the ER I am again wanting to pass out, I wonder if this is where Colt's dad is. If Colt is here, he is going to be so mad at me. A hand on my arm causes me to open my heavy eyelids, and I have my answer, Colt walks beside the gurney as I am rushed down a hallway, his mother not to far behind. I struggle to say something to him, his eyes scan my face and my body.
"S...S..Sorry" I manage wanting to say more but he just frowns and squeezes my arm.
"Not your fault" it is though I could have sent him away, I could have kept the door locked it is my fault, and now I've dragged others into my mess. Paul is right I am pathetic, I wish he would have just killed me, then no one would have to worry about me any longer. I want to voice that but I am not rushed into a room, instead I am rushed through a door that says OR and everyone else is left behind. I glance and they stand staring at me through the glass, but blissfully my body finally shuts down and I slip into darkness.
The first thing I notice when I start waking up is the pain, my body is on fire, my chest feels as if an elephant is sitting on it, but at least breathing is not so difficult. I pry my eyelids open and immediately slam them shut at the bright light above my head. I hear a click and the light dims behind my eyelids so again I open them. I blink for several moments before looking around, Ace sits beside of me, Joe is asleep in a chair, and I don't see Colt, I glance around again making sure, and then swallow hard. My eyes seek out Ace for an answer. "He is down with his dad, they are discharging him. Apparently someone slipped a toxin into something he ate. He will be fine, just weak, Colt will be up soon although I'm not sure what he is going to say to you." I wince not just from the yelling I am sure colt will do, but because I know it was Paul who went after colt's family. I glance down at my body, the gown and blankets cover most of it, I can see bruises on my arms but nothing more. "You had emergency surgery, he broke several of your ribs and one of them punctured your lung, and caused massive internal bleeding. They removed the rib fragment and sealed the lung, I'm not even fully sure of what the hell they did. I just know it was bad and you almost died, oh also you have a severe concussion and a whole hell of a lot of bruises. If you want something for the pain the nurse will bring it, I said you wouldn't but hell if I know you anymore. As far as I know your not straight edge, you are not anything like the man you use to be. He would have never agreed to let him up, he would have never opened that door, he would have never stayed after the first time Paul hit you. I find I don't really like the man you've become lately, still love you Punk but don't like this side of you."
I close my eyes fighting back the tears, everything had fallen apart so quickly, the night had started so well, and it ended with everyone angry with me and them all having a point I couldn't deny. I just lay there staring at the ceiling and listening to Joe snore, and the steady beep pf my heart monitor. Wondering if the machine is accurate how can my heart beat so strong, when it is so broken? The door to the room is opened and I glance over Colt approaches and stands beside of the bed not touching me, not looking at me. I study him, staring pleadingly at him, I really need him to comfort me but his body is shaking and his fist are clenched. He finally takes a deep breath and speaks "I'm not going to yell it is a waste of my time, I am not going to fight, plead, cry beg, none of it works. I am not going to make promises, or hear reasons that don't matter. You keep letting him back, you keep letting him destroy you, I will not watch it any longer. I am going to stay with my parents, you can stay at the apartment as long as you want. If you ever decide you are finally done with him, that you want to reclaim your life then give me a call. I love you Punk but I will not stand around and wait for him to kill you because you don't love yourself." I want to reach out to him, I want to demand he look at me, I want him to not do this now, I can't take this. Instead I go back to staring at the ceiling, the pain in my chest is increasing and I wonder if it is so wrong to get the pain medications. I shake this away not allowing anyway to take that away from me.
"Get out" I hiss this "Everyone get the fuck out of my room" Colt turns and retreats, Ace of course doesn't listen, at least until I start screaming for him to leave and the nurse makes everyone do so. As soon as I am alone I demand to be released, the doctor refuses and I sign myself out AMA. I think they almost want to hold me on a psychiatric hold but they don't have enough to do it. I pull on my blood stain pants, and take the scrub top the nurse offers. They give me some prescriptions painkillers and an antibiotic. I toss the painkillers in the trash and walk from the hospital, hailing a cab I'm not sure where I am going to go. I finally rattle off an address feeling I have no other choice, I return to the apartment. The guards see me and I force a smile, thanking them for helping. I take the elevator up and when I open the door to my apartment I greeted with police tape, blood on the floor, furniture I hadn't known tipped over.
I force myself to enter, grabbing my cell phone from the floor I walk to the bedroom, curling up on our bed I let the pain in, it overtakes me and I scream out. It's not just physical pain, the emotional hurt is overwhelming. I need Colt, I need him, here in this room his smell is all around me but he left, walked away. He left me bleeding on the floor, and so I sing myself a quiet lullaby trying to keep the misery at bay. I'm a ghost, a shell, and now that he is gone is there any reason to go on? I stand and make my way to the bathroom, words floating in my mind. Pathetic, whore, slut, nothing, useless, liar, bitch, fuck-up, nothing, unlovable over and over again they scream at me. My own voice mixed with Paul's, Colt's voice is slipping in slowly. You don't love yourself. I stare at the person in the mirror, the ghost that stares back at me I don't recognize. My hands act on their own pulling open the cabinet I retrieve the straight razor I use for shaving. I walk back to the bedroom, curling back up, I take a deep breath his scent filling me. I take my phone and send him a message, send Joe and ace one also, there's is a generic thank you for caring I'm sorry his is more. I bring the blade to my wrist, and am surprised at how easy it is, how little pain I feel as the crimson starts to flow. I sing softly to myself a lullaby Hush, child, darkness will rise from the deep,and carry it down into sleep, child. Darkness will rise from the deep, and carry it down into sleep.I watch as the red coats the white sheets, and I feel free. I hear my phone, it's his ring tone and I reach out trying to answer. My fingers fumble with the phone, I know I need to slash the other wrist soon but I want to hear his voice one last time. "Colt" I whisper and his voice is raised, panicked filled.
"Where are you Punk, where the hell are you?" I glance around the room and smile. He is in front of me, the phone slips from my hand and I reach out to him. He vanishes right before my fingers touch him, frowning I call out to him. I can still hear his voice demanding to know where I am.
"I'm with you Colt, you're here home with me. Always with you, I love you so much, so much red, it is my favorite color, I need to wash the sheets though, I think they may stain. I love you Colt, it has always been you I love you. Don't leave, stay with me, don't let me go, I'm sorry, not your fault." I'm not sure anything is making sense, I'm not sure he is here or even on the phone. This may all be a dream, a nightmare in which I need to wake up. I lay my head back down onto his pillow, I can still here him so far away now but he is still with me. Always with me, the other voices in my mind have stopped and alls I can hear is Colt. His voice keeps stating I love you, over and over I hear him and I smile. He's always loved me, he is just too stubborn to see it. I think to the message I sent to him and I wonder if he read it, if he understands now. I'm not good enough for you, you need someone stronger. I will love you with my dying breath, even after Colt, if there is a heaven I will wait for you there. I'm so tired of fighting I've done it all my life. Be happy and never blame yourself, you should have walked away long ago, I'm sorry I dragged you into my hell, I love you and I will wait for you. Does he understand I freed him, he doesn't need to save me anymore. I won't haunt him ever again, my ghost will be gone.
The bed is becoming distant, the crimson I watch as it floats away. An empty bed with stained sheets, and then I'm adrift in the hallway, my phone remains on that bed, but I still here his voice. I feel him on my skin and I force myself to blink, trying to make sense of my mind. Yet nothing comes to me, maybe I've gone crazy. Colt walking away the one thing that could break my mind, yet I float to the living room and then out the door. Water drips onto my skin and I wonder if it is raining inside, I should complain to the landlord. Then I'm in the elevator, the glass reflecting back at me and I understand now how I am hovering in mid-air. His arms are around me holding me up, cradling me in his arms, and his lips are moving. He is pleading and I focus on the voice that seems so far away, he pleads with me to stay with him. Begs me not to close my eyes, to just breath. He's sorry he left, he was on his way back, he over reacted, he loves me. I smile and turn my head too look up at him, my arm reaches out and strokes the tears from his face. I wonder at the red left behind, is he bleeding? His eyes meet mine, and I smile up at him. "It's okay Colt, everything is okay, I love you. I let you go be free." He shakes his head and I just rest on his shoulder, too tired to fight with him, my eyes drift closed and I feel darkness creep in.
I see us, the two of us dancing slowly together, an empty room, and I think we may be balancing on a tightrope. I take a step back and look down, no nets below us. He reaches out to me, and I step away careful not to fall, I smile at him and he dives towards me as I jump. I wonder if it will hurt to hit the ground, but yet I am not falling, his hand clutches my wrist, tightly, and I look up, his mouth is moving but I hear nothing. Crimson rivers appear between his fingers and I feel his grip slip as I sink down a little, He is struggling, dragging me up to the rope. I look at it with disinterest and he pleads I grab a hold, I hear him scream as I slide further so only he clings to my fingers, the blood drips down my arm and he begs me silently. Finally I reach out, my free hand gripping the small thread we balance upon, and I see relief as he drags me back to the place where we began to dance slowly on a tightrope.
I would love to hear everyone's opinion so please review, please please please! Thank you for reading this!
Guest- I think Colt is regretting leaving him now, and may have learned his lesson, we will see in the next chapter. Thanks for the review.
Lamentori- Okay so this is nowhere near the happy fic I promised you so give me a prompt and I will write you a one shot lady! What can I say Colt has very sodding stupid ideas, and those ideas have consequences, big consequences when he tries to let go of a very fragile Punk! i think huge blow would be an under statement and I am afraid any progress he made with Punk is gone, that is if he survives, though I think you would kill me if I killed him, so Punk will cling to his tightrope lol. I am so glad you got the symbolism in the pool scene, and pictured it the exact same way i did! Punk didn't strap on any big boy pants, instead not dealing with emotions has blown up in his face!