10. Oblivion
We wish to remember forever a perfume, a look, a touch, or a voice. We sometimes focus to try to find in our memory that delicious sensation experienced at that moment, wishing our whole life to feel it again. But as hard as we wish to never forget, the memories are indomitable and oblivion is our worst enemy or our best friend.
I wake up slowly. Yet I still have the feeling of floating in a cloud of sweetness, I feel at peace, for a few seconds until all the images of the last days will come to mind.
I try to open my eyes, but my eyelids are too heavy for me to reach. So I give up, after all, what good would it do me to do? I do not even feel my body anymore, paralyzed, as if my brain was totally disconnected from the rest. Slowly, I am back to sleep in my most secret dreams where I do not suffer.
It was loud voices that made me back in reality. Both men seemed to be arguing in the next room. Then I heard silence and a door open. Footsteps approached, a hand grabbed mine and a warm breath slid on my skin.
-Julia.
I opened my eyes with difficulty recognizing the voice I loved so much. I saw his eyes, his smile and I felt his fingers touch my hair a few moments.
-Edward, I whispered, half-conscious.
He did not answer and kissed my hand before turning and speak a little louder.
-Let us alone Isaac, he called my friend who was standing further.
-Professor she ...
-I will not repeat it again.
My friend still did not move and I threw him a shy smile.
-Isaac, please, I said as loud as I could, leave us alone. It will be alright.
He simply nodded and left the room. It was at that moment that I realized I was in my own room, wondering how and since when is was the case.
I felt Edward's fingers tenderly stroking my cheek and I plunged my eyes into his.
-Why have you do this? He whispered tenderly.
-I am sorry, I did not want to get pregnant, I ...
He cut me off by putting his finger on my lips for a moment.
-Why did you risk your life that way? You should have come to tell me.
-I thought about your reputation, imagine the impact it would have?
-I have been worried this past few days, he said quietly, I thought I had go crazy without knowing why you could not join me.
I did not answer and frowned. He always spoke up softly, sitting down on the bed next to me.
-Julia, Isaac told me that you were unconscious for three whole days and it is been five days now I have not had any news from you. I thought it happened to you something serious. And besides this is the case, he added in a whisper.
-How did you learn?
-Isaac asked me too many questions that had nothing to do with our classes, I realized that it must be related to you because it was far too common. I am terribly sorry to not have been there by your side. All this would never have happened if I was.
-You are here today, I sighed, smiling and sliding my hand on his cheek.
I saw him shake his head from side to side before he stroked my hair and he is approaching only a few millimeters from my face.
-I am leaving my heart. I hurt you too much.
-No, it is not your fault, I protested, I ... it was an accident and ...
-And you almost died because you wanted to protect myself and our secret.
-I am not dead.
-Julia, insisted Edward, you have to become a Doctor and I have to leave your life for it.
-I can with you by my side.
-No, and we both know it.
I do not answer and looks forward, not caring to let the tears flow down my cheeks. After all, that is what I chose: my career but not my child neither him.
-Where will you go?
-It does not matter, you must to not come to find me. But know that I will never forget you. I loved you too much to forget you.
He still looks to me to give me the sweetest yet the most painful kiss; a farewell kiss. He moves away a little of me, I use all the forces that are in my me to keep him close, not even bothering to open my eyes.
-I could not bear to let you go.
-You are a strong woman, you will come out to you. I expect no less from you. I knew the day we met that you were a wonderful woman. So you will become Doctor, you will finish your studies and become the most talented of all. You will do whatever you want with your life, you will realize all your dreams and you will never let any man hurt you. You will find a man who you will fall madly in love and that he will take care of you as you deserve. Promise me.
-I promise you.
We smile again before he plunges his face into my neck and kissed my skin.
-I love you my love, he whispered into my ear before walking away from me.
-Edward, I beg you, I begged crying, do not leave me.
-Goodbye Dr. Ogden, he simply said, wiping away a tear with his fingertips before getting up and letting go of my hand.
I am too weak to do anything at all except crying, looking him getting out of the room without turning a single moment.
My heart broke into thousands of pieces. I am alive, yes, but I have the feeling of being a ghost. Edward is gone, forever. Once again life has taken away someone I loved deeply. I never never love any man as much as I loved him, because losing the love of our life, is like losing a part of our heart.
I put another three days before I could get up and walk a few steps, however puny in my bedroom and my bathroom. Sometimes I went to the small room that was part of my studio, but most of my time I spent in bed, sleeping during hours.
Isaac left me alone again and he took over the class, but he went down very often during the day to check my condition, bring me something to eat or speak, simply. I learned that Edward had put his resignation and that he had already left the University. The class was given by another teacher. But I do not know more because Isaac did not seem to talk about him.
I was in the bathroom when shots were brought to the door of my apartment.
-Come in Isaac, I cried before I went into my bedroom with a dressing gown over my shoulders to make myself more presentable.
Then the hesitantly, I head to the living room. There I am frozen in place by seeing who stood before me. My father.
-Father?
-Julia, Dean contacted me in Ottawa, he was reported to me that you were seriously ill.
-Who told him?
-One of your teacher who cared for you.
Edward.
-I am sorry you ...
I have not had time to finish my sentence my father approached me in a leap to take me in his arms. I remain amazed at such familiarity, who never actually use and I do not move for a few seconds before he kisses over my ear.
- I was so afraid receiving his call. I will not endure to hear of your loss.
-Oh Father, I sighed softly crying, forgive me. I had been so careless.
I can no longer hold back my tears and too weak to hold still standing, I let all my weight on him, tightening my arms firmly around his neck. I needed comfort, to forget all the pain that I felt still. He tightened his grip a little and gently spoke again.
-You will go home, Julia. Everything will be fine now.
I nodded, unable to utter a single word, as I cried again gently on his shoulder. I did not want to fight that moment I just wanted him to keep me in his arms and continues to gently caress my hair down. I just wanted to forget.
Forgetting is something unpredictable and untamed thing. We would like to remember the good times and forget the dark and painful. Unfortunately, often the opposite happens. But the painful memories are those that shape us, make us stronger and lead us to savor the moments of happiness available to us.
to be continued ...