I hadn't expected this chapter to be as long as it. It might be one of the longest chaptersby far.I had only really expected itto be a few paragraphs. I guess I had more to write about then I thought. Despite the fact I'm moving into more of a steady story formate there are still parts where the characters are having choppy and random thoughts. Some parts are the story, some parts are them going a little crazy with their thinking. I mean for it to go back and forth to get the mood of "I can handle this... no wait...I can't." kind of thing. And btw..this chapter is told from Alex's point of view and picks up where chapter 8 left off.

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Chapter 10

I was alone again to ponder my last words to Marco. I felt like crying now more than ever. He had wanted to help and I had deliberately hurt him. Marco was stronger than he gave himself credit for and probably could have brushed off any other insult. Remarks on his sexuality were always a soft spot with him. I had known he had put up with shit since his coming out and some of it had been from me. Why did I have to attack him? Because I was protecting myself. Why did Marco want to help so much? He had a life, a future. And me...I had nothing. I was nothing. Marco might be around now...but later. No, he would eventually go off to college and get on with his life...far away from me and our child. I would be left to deal with this alone. I looked up at Degrassi and noticed students were out and about. Class must have gotten out. I started to walk away from the school grounds so no one would see me. I watched the kids enjoy their hall time, talking and laughing. Waiting for the bell to signal second period. I was startled by the sight of Paige walking through the entrance doors. She rushed down the stairs looking into her purse. She pulled out her car keys. She had the van today. She had offered me a ride but I had lied and told her I thought I would be late and didn't want to keep her behind. What was she doing? I bet she was looking for me. I figured Marco had gone back to class. What had he told her. Did she know?

I had gone to the doctors last week to get a test. I will never forget the feeling when they told me the results. My stomach crunched into a thousands tiny knots. This wasn't suppose to happen. Not now. not like this. I had thought about that night with Marco. I couldn't deny it had been good. Marco had been gentle and tender. I hated myself for liking it so much. Things would have been different if it would had been Jay. Jay would have done the best he could, and I would have known it wouldn't be much. He would be here and there. And I would expect that from him. But Marco. What exactly did I expect from Marco? What exactly did I want him to do? What did I expect from him? Be a father? Support us? I cursed at myself for even thinking that.

My eyes never left Paige as she walked down the sidewalk to the school parking lot. Her figure got smaller as she went from view. Paige. I had been trying to figure out how I was going to tell her. I had even come to the conclusion once that I just wouldn't. Maybe she wouldn't notice my stomach...or the baby afterwards. Maybe not. I had been scared to death to tell Paige. I knew this would shake our relationship of not break it permanently. We had gotten back together only two days after the party. We had said we were sorry and promised to communicate more, like a good couple. And we had. Mostly. Paige was the type of girl to freak and have a nervous breakdown. I knew this. I didn't know how should would react. I didn't even know how I would react to her reaction. The thought of it scared me beyond belief. I wanted nothing more than to just run away and not deal with any of this. But I knew that wouldn't help. It wouldn't solve anything. In less than nine months I would have a baby...whether I was here or in Istanbul.

I saw Paige's van speed off in the direction of my apartment. She was looking for me. But I wasn't ready to confront her. I turned around and walked a little farther back into the woods near the school. The trees provided good shade and it was peaceful. No noise except for the birds chirping. I found a soft patch of grass and sat down. I rested there for awhile. The sun shimmering through the tress beating down on my body relaxed me a little. I closed my eyes. I felt very calm. Though my words still echoed in my head. I had hoped Marco wouldn't take it to seriously. Maybe I hoped to much. Why do I have to be like this? I laid there for a while. My thoughts and feelings were slowly beginning to get the better of me. Finally I got up and looked back towards the school. I could see the people around again. Second period must have gotten out. I was surprised I had laid there for so long. I waited for the bell to sound. When it sounded and the last of the students were inside their classrooms I made my way out of the woods and back into Degrassi.

I walked down the halls. I wasn't sure why, but I was making as much effort as I could to be quiet. I reached a classroom where the door was left open and I could hear talking. I turned my head to make sure no one was watching me as I passed. I saw Marco sitting at his desk looking to be in a daze. My stomach churned again but I continued to walk. I finally reached where I was I was going. I looked up at the sign.

Miss. Johnson, School Counselor.

I hesitated for a moment and knocked on the door.

"Come in." I head from behind the door.

I slowly turned the knob and pushed the door ajar. I slowly walked in to see our school counselor Miss. Johnson looking through some files. She looked up and smiled.

"Hello Alex. I haven't seen you in awhile."

"Are you busy?" I asked hoping a little that she was.

"Not at all. Is there something you wanted to talk about?" She asked her voice was a little concerned.

I nodded.

"Well take a seat."

I obeyed taking a seat in one of the chairs that was in front of her desk.

"What's on your mind?" She asked clasping her hands together and putting them in front of her face.

I was silent for a moment while I tried to organize my thoughts. I just needed to talk to someone...someone who wouldn't get angry...someone who wouldn't judge me. I didn't know exactly how much I wanted to reveal to her or how much I should. I looked at her. She didn't seem to be in a rush. Even when I thought I knew what I wanted to say I still couldn't bring myself to start.

"Maybe I should start." Miss. Johnson said trying to help me.

"I know you've gone through a lot of trauma with your life. Especially in recent years. Is the shooting still bothering you?" She asked. I had gone to group counseling session after Jimmy had been shot to help me through the event. What I had done was wrong, and even now I found my actions unforgivable.

I shook my head, "But not just that." I corrected my gesture.

Mrs. Johnson tilted her head.

I decided to start by stating what I was feeling, "I just feel like I'm pushing people away again." I tried to generalize my problem.

"Mmm..."She said. She seemed to be hanging on every word. When I didn't go continue she butted in, "How so?"

"When someone tries to help me I just insult them." I said bluntly. I seemed to be unable of adding any emotion to my speech.

"How are people...or this person, trying to help you?" She asked trying get me to talk in more detail.

"I just have a friend...who is trying to be there for me. And I want him too, but I just keep thinking he's start to think why 'should he when he doesn't have too?'" I was starting to feel more relaxed and it was becoming easier to talk.

"Can I ask how is this friend trying to be there for you that he can just bail out?"

"It's complicated." I said.

"And how exactly are you pushing him away?" She was shifting the conversation back to me and my feelings.

"Every time he talks to me, I try to shut him out or I am rude and insulting." I said. I was feeling bad at myself again. I just wanted everything to be okay.

"Well, it sounds like you're afraid." I looked up at Miss. Johnson's remark.

"You're afraid of getting hurt. Of taking a chance on depending on someone. I know in last few sessions you've admitted to having trust issues. Especially when it comes to males. You haven't had very go experiences with them." She tried to sound as calm and positive as possible. I didn't speak. I had nothing to say. It seemed that Miss. Johnson knew my exact problem without me ever having to tell her.

"Let's just assume you let whomever help you. Then they bail. Okay, but at least you had the help and support for however long. And who knows, maybe you're friend won't bail. Or maybe by then your problem will be solved. Just remember, no matter what, you can always come and talk to me about anything. And everything usually turns out for the better."

I looked at her and smiled. I had heard just what I needed to hear: Something positive. It was enough.

"Do you still have anything to want to talk about? I have time." She smiled.

"No. Thanks. I think I'm okay." I said getting up. "Thanks for your help." And I left.

I knew I had to find Marco and first apologize. I knew I had to be rational. I knew I had to deal with this. I walked down the hall trying to figure out what time it was. Lunch time. Some people were wandering around the halls but I knew most were in the cafeteria. I started to walk that way looking for Marco. I had assumed Paige was still off campus and the thought of confronting her sent shivers down my spine. I finally made my way to the entrance. I stopped before going in to scan the area. To my surprise I saw Paige standing at the edge of one of the tables talking to Marco. Her face was full of annoyance. They looked like they were having a semi argument. About what? Today was a confusing day. I tried not come to conclusions. I knew Paige was already worried, but I just hoped to god Marco hadn't told anyone...especially Paige. She needed to hear that from me. I shouldn't even be worrying about her right now. Right now I need to talk to Marco. At the moment this was our problem. I watched from a distance for awhile hoping Paige would soon leave. I couldn't go over to him without first getting past Paige. So I waited. Luckily it was only a few minutes later that Marco got up and quickly left through one of the exits on the other side of the cafeteria. I decided to go back around and try to catch up with him. I felt bad leaving Paige there alone but I had to see Marco first. I turned back around and quickly made my way back through the hall.

As I was rushing past the small clusters of people I saw Hazel quickly shoving books into her locker. She turned to look at me.

"Alex, your back." She said. Her voice was unsteady.

"Yep." I said.

"Paige is looking for you." She sounded giddy, "You really should find her." Her eyes were wide.

I didn't have time to talk to Hazel right now. Of all times to actually try to talk to me.

"I actually have to go." I said quickly. Hazel said nothing but gave me the weirdest look I have ever gotten from her. It was indescribable, but I didn't have time to worry about it. I continued to walk down the hall. My chit chat with Hazel gave me perfect timing. I saw Marco leaving the school. I quickened my pace to meet up with him. I decided not to draw attention to ourselves by yelling his name. I would wait to get closer before saying anything. As I left the school the could feel a cool breeze hit my face. Marco seemed to be picking up his pace now that he was outside. I practically had to move into a run to gain ground on him. He had managed to reach his car before I got close enough to talk without raising my voice. He was by his car now. I couldn't speak. I had to catch my breath first. He was opening his car door.

"Marco." Was all I could get out.

He suddenly stopped and turned around. He obviously hadn't expected to see me.

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Just in case you haven't noticed yet, I'm making the story so there is always something going on the background...for example...When Marco and Paige are talking at Lunch...in chapter 9 you didn't know Alex was watching it did you? Nope, you didn't find out till Chapter 10. hehe...but anyway, just keep in mind not all the characters are on the same page with each other yet.

So to sum it up for you, just in case you're a little confused..."Alex, Marco, and Hazel are the only characters that know right now. Marco knows Hazel knows, but Alex doesn't know Hazel knows. Hazel doesn't know if Alex knows she knows and nobody knows what the hell Paige knows, even though Paige doesn't know anything. And they are all trying avoid Paige because no one wants to be the one to inform her.

The next chapter might be a little more serious...but after that...I'm kind of expecting it to get a little more complicated and amusing.