This is a long chapter so it will probably be my last till after the new year. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all my readers!

It didn't take long for Bucky to fall asleep once he finally lay down on the couch with the blanket pulled over him. The former assassin was still exhausted from his ordeal and would probably take a while to make up the sleep deficient.

Steve soon dozed in the recliner beside him. About 2 hours after Bucky had fallen asleep, mumbling and thrashing from the couch alerted Steve to the first nightmare. He had known it was coming; Steve still had nightmares from the things he'd seen: the war, Bucky falling from the train, going down in the frozen wasteland of ice, aliens in New York. He couldn't imagine what horrors played through Bucky's subconscious.

Steve threw back the covers and slowly approached the couch. Bucky's distressed mumbles were punctuated with soft noises in the back of his throat. Steve paused trying to decide the best course of action. He made a note to ask Sam the best way to deal with nightmare. While he was fairly confident he could protect himself, if it came to that, his main concern was keeping Bucky from hurting himself or doing something to cause S.H.I.E.L.D. to decide he was better off in their custody.

Bucky's metal arm tensed and slung out then curled back in over his head like he was protecting himself.

"Bucky." Steve called softly, then louder. "Bucky." He risked putting his hand gently on his friend's flesh arm.

The effect was instant. Bucky shot off the couch like a cannon ball. He pinned Steve to the ground growling and brought his metal arm up and across his throat.

Before he could press down, Steve flipped them so he was on top. He had to think of a way to snap Bucky out of it. He didn't want to fight back and give Bucky, already lost in the nightmare, another reason to keep defending himself.

Bucky lashed out again to flip him off, but Steve was ready. He let Bucky swing, miss and lose his balance, and then he grabbed his shoulders and shook him hard.

"Bucky, wake up!" He shouted.

Bucky started and pulled slightly away, but Steve wasn't ready to let him go just yet.

"You're safe Bucky, it's me, it's Steve. You're here with me and you're safe."

Bucky went still for a few seconds. He then reached out to push Steve off, though it was more half-hearted this time. He sat back heavily on the floor. A pronounced tremor ran through him before he seemed to get a hold of himself.

Steve dropped to the ground beside him.

"You ok, pal?" He asked softly.

"What happened?" Bucky asked dazedly.

"Looks like you had a nightmare."

Bucky nodded.

"Wanna talk about it?"

He shook his head quickly.

"You want to try to sleep a few more hours?" Steve asked, not wanting to push for an explanation until Bucky was ready to trust him.

"No I won't be able to sleep for a while." Bucky said resignedly.

Steve nodded, he knew what that was like, even if he would like to see Bucky get some more rest, he trusted him to know his own reactions and recovery time.

"You want some coffee?"

"I don't know. I don't remember it." Bucky sounded as raw as Steve had ever heard him; then again his defenses were still down from the nightmare.

Steve bumped his shoulder gently. "You used to love it and it tastes a lot better now than it did when we were kids. I'll make some."

Steve got to his feet and headed to the kitchen. He didn't want to crowd Bucky. He'd give him a few minutes to compose himself.

Steve had just started pulled out the coffee cups when Bucky slowly entered the kitchen, walking like he was cautious, bone-dead tired or both.

Steve smiled sympathetically and handed him a cup. We have sugar and cream if you want it too.

Bucky hesitated. "How did I use to drink it?"

"Usually straight black, but sugar and cream were both luxuries in those day. Now they're everywhere." Steve laughed because he didn't know what else to do. "Sometimes you would put sugar in yours." He offered.

Bucky nodded and took a small sip. Sitting at the table drinking coffee with his best friend and for all for all the world was going to hell in a hand basket, Steve was fairly content at the moment.

He cleared his throat. "Did you…did you have nightmares a lot before." It was difficult walking the line between his very real desire the know everything about his best friend and not wanting to push Bucky away or make him uncomfortable. He may remember every detail of their history, but Bucky was still finding is bearings.

"With HYDRA? No." Bucky shook his head. "I was either in stasis or drugged. But now…every time I fall asleep..." He said softly looking into his coffee cup. He looked utterly dejected and Steve felt guilty for making him confess it.

They fell back into silence. After a few minutes Steve noticed Bucky's gazed fixed on something beyond his shoulder. Steve followed his eyes to the knife on the floor that he'd had never gotten around to putting up.

"Are you going to tell S.H.I.E.L.D. about last night?" Bucky asked quietly.

Steve frowned. "Of course not."

"I thought you might. You're supposed to report problems to them."

"It's none of their business. Besides, I would be afraid of where they would take you." Steve admitted.

"Maybe you should let them take me, you could get on with your life and I could be locked away forever." Bucky seemed to be deliberately not meeting his eyes.

Steve laughed bitterly. "Weren't you listening last night, I don't have a life. I want to help you through this. You deserve a life too."

"Don't be too sure about that." Bucky continued to stare that the knife, so Steve got up and put in in a drawer and sat back down.

"Hey, Bucky?" Finally Bucky looked up.

"Will you give this a chance?"

"What?"

"Life."

Bucky laughed but it didn't reach his eyes. "I know what life is, misery and death."

"It doesn't have to be." Steve argued.

"It is in my experience. You're the predator or the prey."

"Bucky, you've been hearing HYDRA for 70 year, listen to some other voices."

"I don't know whose voice to listen to anymore."

"You'll find your way. You're the strongest person I know. Just let me help you and don't give up."

"I can't make any promises." Bucky seemed more devastated by that admission than Steve felt.

"We'll just take it one day at a time. You can forge your life the way you want it."

Bucky froze solid. "It doesn't matter what I want. What is, is."

"Ok." Steve said slowly. "Well what is, is you're free from HYDRA. You don't have to do what they want. You don't have to do what anyone wants except yourself."

"You can't change the past." Bucky argued.

"No, the past is part of us, it part of what makes us who we are, but we can decide every day what we want to do with that day and the future, you don't have to answer now but just think about what you want out of life Bucky. We can get there. One day at a time."

Bucky didn't answer, so Steve tried his hand at pleading. "Please don't let me find you here again ready to end it, or worse you've already done it."

"I'll try. I suppose I owe you for snapping me out of HYDRA."

"You don't owe me anything Bucky." Steve said sincerely. "I want you to do it for you, not me."

Bucky scoffed, so he decided to let it drop. He'd told Bucky what he believed. And he would help him.

They sat at the table for a while. Steve could tell Bucky was tired and tense. He refused to sleep and Steve refused to leave him. On the bright side, it turned out Bucky loved coffee. He was on his third cup while Steve was still nursing his first and they were soon on their second pot.

Steve couldn't believe when he looked at the clock and it was 5 am. He got up and stretched. Bucky tired eyes meet his and Steve smiled.

"Let's get some breakfast so that coffee doesn't sit on an empty stomach. We need to get you healthy."

Food was not going to be another challenge. Bucky wouldn't tell Steve what he ate while with HYDRA. He had no opinion on the food Steve suggested; either that or he wasn't willing to express it. He mostly pushed the eggs around on his plate and at lunch only picked at the chicken Steve made. There was no way Steve was going to force him to eat but it dismayed Steve to see how thin Bucky was. He needed nourishment to heal but seemed to have no interest in eating. Steve knew what Bucky used to like but this version of his friend was much harder to read.

As he was cleaning up the lunch dished, his phone beeping indicated a text and he read it quickly before turning the screen toward Bucky.

"Sam Wilson asked if he could come over tomorrow. He was with me at S.H.I.E.L.D. and in Austin. Do you remember?"

Bucky's eyes narrowed. "With the wings?"

"Yeah that's him. Do you think you would mind if he came over?"

"Why?"

"He counsels people at the VA. He thinks he might be able to help you."

"Why would he want to help me?"

"He knows a little about what you went through with HYDRA." Steve said carefully. "He helps people, veterans return to a normal life"

His frowned deepened. "I don't need help."

"Bucky-."

"Is this because of last night?"

"A little. Steve was striving for total honesty with Bucky. "But mostly because of the crap you've been through over the last 70 years."

"Do whatever you want." Bucky's nostrils flared and he looked away.

"Bucky, you're not a prisoner here." Steve said softly.

Bucky raised his eyebrow and pointed at the tracing device on his arm. "Ok." Steve conceded. "S.H.I.E.L.D. is tracking you, but I don't want to ever do anything against your will. You have a say."

Bucky still didn't look convinced so Steve held up the phone. "If you say no, he won't come. I swear."

As he looked at Bucky his eyes almost seemed to thaw a little. "Do you think it would help?"

"I do. Sam's great at what he does. He's a friend I trust and I think he might be able to help you."

"Fine."

Steve was relieved as he text Sam, but then another though struck him that made him cringe. He cleared his throat hesitantly.

"Although speaking of people coming over." At Bucky glare, he raised his hands defensively. "I have no control over this one." He paused again before rushing through it. "S.H.I.E.L.D. is sending Natasha Romanoff. She was at the bridge too. Red hair."

"I remember." His friend said tightly. Steve could almost feel the air chill, but he kept calm.

"Director Fury is sending her to…"

"Take me out should it become necessary because you won't."

"No!" Steve burst out. "No."

"Are you saying that to convince you or me?"

"She's someone I trust too Bucky." He said quietly.

"Why is she coming?"

"S.H.I.E.L.D. thought it would be good to have her around." Even as he said it he knew how it sounded and he wished he had pushed Fury more. He knew Natasha was only coming as back up, but saying that to Bucky wouldn't relieve his paranoia at all.

"It wasn't my call." He said honestly. "They wanted to send her. I don't even know if she'll be around here or stay on the outside."

Bucky stiffened and Steve grimaced. He probably could have worded that better. Few things were probably worse to Bucky than people he wasn't sure he could trust lurking where he couldn't see them. Bucky appeared to have shut down, he stared hard at his hand and had hunched his shoulders forward.

"I'm sorry, Bucky." Steve said sincerely.

He hated this, it was just like HYDRA. People surrounding him he didn't know or trust. He supposed that was how life was.

It wasn't completely the same. Steve was glaring example. He only seemed concerned with Bucky's well being. At first that made him suspicious, then confused, now he almost felt sorry for the Captain. He was clearly clinging to the memory of a best friend he had loved like a brother. That man had been lost but the Captain couldn't let it go. That's why he was pouring so much of himself into trying to help a lost cause. The Asset had promised the Captain he would try to make life work, he had no idea what possessed to make that promise, but he had so he would try. And maybe one day he could be some semblance of that friend that was gone.

"Sir, I respectfully disagree."

"Noted and ignored. Your job is to bring him back. Disable his arm, subdue and extract him. We'll handle the rest."

"Look at all the resources he's cost HYDRA over the years of his training. He had to be constantly wiped. With the rate his brain cell regenerate there was never anything strong enough to mask his past completely. And look what he did to our safe houses, he's a lost cause."

"Agent, the resources we've spent on him is why we have to recover the Asset. He is a killing machine. Just point him in the right direction and watch him go. It's beautiful. Don't worry, he will be punished, then rebuilt again as HYDRA's weapon. If the damage is too much, we reserve the option to terminate him. But if it comes to that I want him to know who and why and I want it to be painful. You and Agent Kincaid will leave tonight."

I hope you all have a safe and wonderful holiday. Thanks for reading and thanks for the reviews!