Skyhold, April 1st

Maxwell: Alright then kids, if you're going to become protagonists in a Bioware crossover, then there's a few things you need to know. Are you listening?

Aegon + Rhaenys: Yes Inquisitor!

Maxwell: Good, now first off, you need to pick your race, and your gender, followed by class.

Aegon: Wait what now?

Maxwell: While I'm a male human warrior, in another life I could have been female qunari mage. Or an elven archer.

Rhaenys: What about a dwarf?

Awkward silence.

All Three: Uncontrollable laughter

Rhaenys: Sorry, I couldn't resist!

Aegon: Wait, aren't we being offensive to all the players who choose dwarves as their first choice, and/or main?

Maxwell: Yes. Yes we are. To all 2% of them.

Rhaenys: Wow, that's a low number.

Maxwell: Indeed it is. Now then, since each of you are already a pre-established character, your race and sex have already been set in stone, but not your class. You can either be a warrior, or a rogue.

Rhaenys: No mage?

Maxwell: Nope, Westerosi like yourself can't become mages, or at least not Thedosian mages.

Aegon: Crap, that means we're dwarves.

Maxwell: Yup, only you don't get the nifty magical resistance that comes with the inability to cast magic. Though we are getting off topic. Choose your classes, and while you're at it, your specializations!

Rhaenys: I'll be a rogue, with a bard specialization.

Maxwell: Interesting, why Bard?

Rhaenys: Well, I'm going to be operating in a court setting, so those skills will be crucial to my survival. Also, Orlais is in spitting distance, and I grew up with a bunch of masters of 'the Game.' It'd be weird if I wasn't a bard.

Maxwell: An excellent choice Rhaenys. Now, your turn Aegon.

Aegon: I'm going to be a warrior, as befitting of my heritage and bloodline. As for my specializations, I choose Champion, with a Templar secondary specialization.

Maxwell: Templar? Would you care to explain why?

Aegon: Well, you did 'Champions of the Just,' so there's a lot of Templars around Skyhold. Also, I may or may not be Andrastian, which if I am, will cause all sorts of issues for me when I return to Westeros.

Maxwell: If, not when. Alright, so with character creation (as it is) out of the way, no we go on to party building! You'll need at least two warriors, two mages, and two rogues, with a couple of extra spaces for any additional companions. Also, you'll need a dog.

Rhaenys: Why a dog?

Maxwell: for the token non-humanoid part member of course! Every Dragon Age game has a dog.

Aegon: Yours didn't.

Maxwell: Yes Aegon. I know. Don't rub it in.

Aegon: Sorry.

Maxwell: Now then, these party members will be a diverse crowd, each one having differing views on life, politics, and right and wrong. They will also be from various races, and you must recruit them one by one after completing a side quest.

Rhaenys: Wait, you're the leader of the Inquisition right?

Maxell: Yes.

Rhaenys: So instead of recruiting these people one by one while traveling all over the goddamn world, why don't you just send us out with a full party of Inquisition Agents? Surely that's better than throwing us to the wolves undermanned.

Maxwell: Nope, you need to recruit yourself a full party on you own, otherwise it'll be too simple. That's also why you'll only take a few hundred coins between you, and the most common of weapons and armor.

Aegon: You're sending us out with what?

Maxwell: You heard me, only the most common of armor and weapons, barely better than those of your enemies, and only a few hundred coins, so you won't be able to simply buy the whole party equipment that's leagues better than what you're currently using.

Aegon: But you're the Inquisitor! You have the funds and equipment to make sure we accomplish our quest easily! The highest quality armor, and legendary blades! Not to mention you can afford to fund huge armies! Surely giving us more than a couple hundred won't even make a small dent in the treasury?

Maxwell: Yes, but that will make things too simple. We wouldn't want that now would we? That's also why you start out with only one skill.

Rhaenys: But we've spent years training to master our respective classes! Why would we know only one skill? And please don't say-

Maxwell + Rhaenys: That would make things too easy, and we don't want that, do we?

Rhaenys: Old Gods and New damn it.

Maxwell: Look, if you kids want better loot and more money, then you need to find it yourself. Chances are it'll be at the bottom of a dungeon, filled with a ton of enemies, or being carried by wild animals, who should have no business carrying loot. That's how I found my trademark helmet; in the belly of a high dragon!

Rhaenys: Gross.

Maxwell: Also, you're now both bisexual.

Aegon: Bisexual? How'd that happen?

Maxwell: You are by the very fact that the dialogue wheel gives you the option to flirt with companions of either gender. Though you'll only have sex once, and usually before the final battle/quest/etc.

Rhaenys: Do we have to flirt with our companions? It seems as if it would make for an awkward working relationship.

Maxwell: You don't have too, but they're the only people you get to flirt with. Unless you want to shell out a few coins to sleep with prostitutes. Or so I've heard. I don't actually get to sleep with prostitutes.

Aegon: So our options are either people we work with, or people we pay? Isn't there some middle ground for our love interests?

Maxwell: Nope, only those two. What do you think this is? The Witcher? Kids these days.

Aegon: Sigh.

Maxwell: Also, one of your party members may be someone you knew from years ago, and they may now have a new sexual orientation now, or will be romantically interested in you, even if there was no inclination that they were before. For example, Exhibit A, and Exhibit B for the former, and Exhibit C, and Exhibit D for the latter.

Rhaenys: Well that's inconsistent, as well as completely out of the blue. I mean, unless you went datamining through cut, unused dialogue.

Maxwell: Which brings me to my next point: A party member can be forgiven for just about anything provided they're pretty enough. I mean, just look at Anders. He blew up a Chantry, and started a war, which through a series of events, led to Corypheus almost taking over the world. But his fangirls still forgive him for it. Why? Because he's pretty.

Rhaenys: Meh, five out of ten if you ask me. I don't go for men with ponytails, or who have a scruffy look going on.

Aegon: You know, after everything we've just said, I don't think I want to be a Bioware protagonist now.

Maxwell: Well you don't have to be. A Bioware protagonist is just one of two options that you can choose from.

Aegon: What's the other?

Maxwell: A Game of Thrones protagonist!

Aegon: What happens to them?

Maxwell: Well, there's a much better chance of you getting laid, multiple times, and before the final battle at that.

Aegon: Well I'm sold!

Rhaenys: Wait. What's the downside?

Maxwell: You can end up beheaded, shot with an arrow, stabbed in the back by a demon shadow baby, castrated, raped, super raped, reanimated into an ice zombie, betrayed by the people you trust, stabbed in your pregnant belly, flayed alive, fed to dogs, burned, burned by dragons, drowning, snapped neck, head smashed in, and general sword wounds.

...

...

...

Aegon: I think I'll stick with being a Bioware protagonist.

Rhaenys: Same here.

Maxwell: Smart choice. Now then, while you can't get super awesome weapons and armor off the bat, I am willing to give you access to Skyhold's armory.

Aegon: Finally some good news. After years of adventuring, there should be good stuff in there!

Rhaenys: Or at least stuff that's better than common armor and weapons.

Maxwell: You would think that would be the case, and in most cases, you'd be right. However...

Happy April 1st!