i would love to include the same link i started this with for the ao3 version, but alas, FFnet has less formatting. i guess i can paste the link in but it's not the same :c
basically: Did you miss me? Did you really think that I was gone?
Track 9:
Better the Devil You Know
If life were fair, Red would be able to avoid Ash and see Green basically all the time. Life wasn't fair though. Every morning Red woke up to Ash looming over him, grinning, and holding a tray of charcoal.
"I made you breakfast son," Ash'd say, "Brock's a really good teacher, this food's amazing, watch —"
And then it was always so bad even Neo Satan himself couldn't eat the substance formerly known as food.
Then Ash would follow Red around everywhere. Red did his best to ignore him, but it was pretty hard to pretend the literal devil wasn't following you everywhere criticising your life choices for not being 'evil enough'. The whole thing would've given Red more sympathy for N if he didn't hate N and if Ghetsis was anywhere near as bad as the literal. Fucking. Devil .
Of course, Red tried looking up a spell to ward off demons. Every time he thought he was alone, he'd try searching for one on the nearest computer. And every single time the computer would freeze, and in a HAL 9000 voice, say, "I'm sorry, Red. I'm afraid I can't do that." Then the screen would warp until Ash crawled out of it, laughing, "Fooled you, son!"
But he hadn't fooled Red. He'd never fooled Red.
Red was getting bored with the routine. Especially because it limited his contact with Green to texting, and Green wasn't very good at texting. It was obvious his grandpa had taught him how to do it.
At any rate, Red had to learn a lot of choreography for their upcoming tour.
"Why do you always make me dance on poles?" Red asked Sycamore.
"I didn't design this," Sycamore replied, hurt. "I suppose it is a simple yet elegant and powerful artform to which you have a great deal of natural talent."
"I don't wanna do it in leather pants."
"Too bad, art is suffering."
N didn't have to pole-dance. N didn't have to dance in general. He couldn't do it, he kept tripping over his own feet, and then Red was the bad guy for calling him a poser.
"What kind of popstar can't dance," Hugh would agree, trying to form a solid alliance.
"Why doesn't he have to dance?!" N cried.
"He is the drummer," Sycamore said. "Look, it's quite simple, my dear, let's just, try again."
It didn't matter how much they tried; some people were destined for failure. N was definitely one of them.
Every day Sycamore looked one step closer to breaking. There was a noticeable twitch in his eye every time someone complained about doing their job. Red was almost starting to feel sorry for the guy.
Almost. The pole-dancing was an effective way to kill any budding sympathy.
The tour was coming together, unfortunately. Though part of Red had to wonder what was so unfortunate about it when he was so naturally gifted as a pop star. Between avoiding his father, mastering pole-dancing and having a boyfriend he got to talk to sometimes and text a lot, it was almost like being an actual adult.
Then the press junkets started.
Why did media people ask such stupid questions? Especially about his father? Red was running out of ways to stare them down, and they just kept asking the same question over and over in the same ways. They tried to make N go on a game show but he made the host cry by explaining the vast nature of Pierre de Fermat's number theories. And when they put Red on a panel show, apparently telling everyone to either go climb a mountain with their pokémon, go play with their pokémon more, or join a band and learn to pole-dance for revenge was bad.
Hugh didn't have to do anything. The bastard.
It was only because Sycamore's eyes twitched so much that Red didn't ask why they had to bother with a junket when their tour tickets sold out in twenty minutes. Well, okay, that and Green telling him it would, at least, keep him away from his father. But it was also keeping him away from Green. He had to figure out which Harmonia had signed a contract with Ash and how to break it or he'd never get to kiss Green and stuff.
But it wasn't exactly easy. N was even more annoying than usual, alternating between angry tantrums and tearful ones all while constantly checking his phone. Sycamore always tried to take it off him before he went on air and always ended up being the one crying. Turned out N had a real knack for pinning Sycamore's head against walls. He was less skilled at punching Sycamore with his own fists but persistently tried anyway.
Ghetsis was also eternally pissed off and muttering vaguely evil things like, "Yes, that will fit in nicely with my — I mean, our — plans" but they were usually to do with what clothes N had to wear or songs he had to perform.
It was amazing how far from subtle Team Plasma could be, all without Red figuring out their plan. Did they even have one? Sure, Giovanni seemed to think so, but why the fuck would Red trust him?
Red had managed to sneak back out to the warehouse, in moments Green was mysteriously busy and Ash was on the phone to his pikachu, giving long detailed advice on how to run Hell in his absence.
The first time, Giovanni sneered down at him and drawled, "Well, well. Daddy's little boy."
He never brought it up again. Something about Red breaking his nose. And Pika electrocuting him.
Usually though, Red found Giovanni lazily playing chess against the Plasma grunt, insisting he knew what he was doing and that the most appropriate thing Red could do was go ahead with the tour. Which, sure, right, sounded like what a gloat-happy egomaniac would do if he actually had a plan.
Three days before their tour began, they were back on Roxy's show.
"Now remember," Sycamore said, wringing his hands, "no matter what she says, don't give in to the anger. Red. You must fight the anger. Do you understand me? Focus on anything but your hatred. Don't lack focus. Focus on the music. Focus."
"Are you stereotyping me because of my heritage?" Red asked.
"No!" Sycamore cried. "No! Because of your behaviour!"
"Why even bother?" N said. "What's even the point in living?"
"Maybe you should join an emo band," Hugh said to N, "like [bruised]."
N started crying.
Sycamore sighed loudly. "Remember, short interview, then you perform, then you agree to stay."
When he sat down for the interview, Roxy grinned at Red as if to say 'Ah, yes, my arch-nemesis.'
"Welcome back to the show," she said, "you've had a very successful time since we last met, haven't you? Seems like you've really stepped up in the professionalism department, hm? Red?"
"God encourages forgiveness," Red flatly replied. "Even against those who deliberately try to inflict pain upon others."
"Really," Roxy said. "Well. You've certainly turned heads with your more recent songs. One would almost suspect your dedication to your Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ is a joke."
"Absolutely not," Red replied. "I encourage everybody to walk far, far away from the path of Satan."
N stared at him. "Your father is Satan."
Red stared at him.
"Oh," N gasped, "I get it."
"Yes, we're all surprised to see your father resurface," Roxy said. "Though I suppose the animosity is still there?"
And to the amazement of the entire world, Hugh said something. "We're going on tour soon. All over Unova."
"Yes, you are," Roxy said, apparently recalling her job. "Excited for your first tour together?"
"Yep," Hugh said, "I love the band. I love these guys."
"Of course," Roxy said. "Well, you're performing your biggest hit for us today, aren't you?"
They were. Because N wouldn't stop sulking, Red had to sing Toxic. It felt pretty irrelevant now that Green has been promoted from jerk friend to jerk boyfriend. Roxy cut to commercial after, and they were cleared.
Surprisingly, as they cleared up the stage, N quietly asked Red, "Is that what most humans do? The opposite of what their fathers want?"
"I don't know," Red replied. "It's what anyone should do if their father is evil."
"Hm. So it doesn't apply if your father isn't evil."
"It can still apply," Red replied. "Any father who tries to make you live life how he wants, not how you want, is pretty evil."
"Or simply older and more experienced."
"Nah, they only say that cos they want you to shut up."
"Not that it matters," N said. "I'm only asking to compile data. Ghetsis is a moron incapable of even the most basic of successes."
"Yep," Red replied. Like father like son.
They rejoined Roxy on the couch. She ignored them until she was counted back in, then was all smiles again.
"Welcome back," she said. "I'm here with Unova's hottest new band, Natural Harmony. They're starting a Unova-wide tour in two days time. Very exciting."
The audience applauded as directed.
"But," Roxy said, smile growing. "We have something even more exciting for you, right now! Some breaking news, which I'm thrilled to be breaking to you. Recently resurfaced child-star Ash Ketchum is launching his singing career, right here, right now!"
Red groaned loudly. It was drowned out by the audience screaming.
Roxy continued, "Yes, now we get both father and son, on the same show, exhibiting their talents! So come on out, Ash Ketchum!"
Fighting the urge to run away entirely, Red looked to the stage. Ash walked on stage, waving enthusiastically to the screaming crowd. They weren't screaming in fear — they were screaming in adoration. "Hello, my adoring public! I'm Neo Satan Ash Ketchum, from the pits of Hell!"
The screaming didn't even become fearful. Red was so tired of how oblivious humans were.
Ash walked up to the microphone, grin still in place. "I'd like to dedicate this song to the most important person in my life other than me, and my best buddy Pikachu," he said. "My son, Red."
Red shouted, "Go back to Hell!"
"Love you too, son!"
Electro pop started playing, and the backing track supplied: "Better the devil you know, better the devil you know!"
Red could only stare in disbelief. It only got worse as his father started dancing. Or, well, 'dancing'; it was more enthusiastic jigging and shoulder-bouncing as he stayed in place, starting to sing:
"Say you won't leave me no more, I'll take you back again. No more excuses no, no, cos I've heard them all before, a hundred times or more."
The music swelled for the chorus, which Ash delivered loudly, with glee.
"I'll forgive and forget, if you say you'll never go. Cos it's true what they sa-a-ay — it's better the devil you know!"
The crowd was still cheering! Ash Ketchum was standing before them, singing a truly terrifying love song at his son , all while confessing to be the literal fucking devil, and they kept cheering.
"Our love wasn't perfect I know ," Ash sang, actually winking at Red. " I think I know the score. But if you say you love me, oh boy, I can't ask for more. I'll come if you should ca-a-all."
Red hated the world.
But Ash didn't notice; he just kept singing: "I'll forgive and forget, if you say you'll never go. Cos it's true what they sa-a-ay — it's better the devil you know!"
The entire horrible world. Except Green.
"I'll be here, every day, waiting for your love to show. Yes it's true what they sa-a-a-ay, it's better the devil you know!"
As the song fell into nothing but chorus repetition, the audience started clapping along to go with the cheering. When Ash finished, posing expectantly, the cheers became deafening screams.
Red really hated the world.
"Thank you, thank you," Ash said. "I know. I'm a genius."
Fuck professionalism. Fuck Sycamore's blood pressure. Fuck everything. Red had to storm off before Ash came over and talked to him in public, on television.
Pika met him in the green room, ditching the sandwich bar to run up to Red when he sensed his mood. Red flopped down, hugging Pika to his chest and groaned.
"That was very rude, son."
Red groaned again, louder, until he was saying, "Leave me alone."
"I thought that was the problem? That I left you alone?"
Red closed his eyes, trying to ignore him. But Ash sat next to him on the couch.
"Y'know, what you said before, about God? And Jesus? That really hurt my feelings. I know you were joking but you should try to think harder of others."
"You're the literal devil."
"And your father. Neither mean I don't have feelings too," Ash replied, "why, I'd dare say I have more feelings than most people."
Red gave in, opened his eyes, and glared. "What are you doing? Why're you singing now?"
"Officially, it's to be closer to you, my darling son."
"You aren't even good at it."
"That's hurtful too."
"Well, you aren't!"
Ash grinned. "And neither are Nickelback."
Red stared.
"It's perfect," Ash said, "if I manage to make shitty enough music, I'll end up with Nickelback opening for me. And then I can finally destroy those angel sons of heaven once and for all!"
Red continued to stare.
"We're releasing my single tomorrow, it's a total surprise," Ash said, "but it's still going to sell out. Because of who I am."
"What has this got to do with the Harmonias?" Red asked.
Ash grinned. "Join me and I'll tell you, son."
Instead, Red walked out of the room, and snuck from the studio entirely. He was surprised Ash let him go. Did Ash even have a plan? Or was he just doing whatever seemed fun?
Either way, Red would be on tour soon, and all he could do was focus on stopping N. From whatever he was doing.
Wasn't being a popstar supposed to be about the music?
Ash's song went straight to number one. Red barely noticed because he barely wanted to notice: he had to dodge Sycamore and pack for the tour. Not for him, the label was very clear about how much pink leather he had to wear, but for his pokémon. They were all very clear about their favourite toys, and as if Red would ever leave them behind. Even with Green. Who had mysteriously not been answering his texts all day, like he were the one with a job.
Oh well. At least he wasn't up a mountain.
Unfortunately Red absolutely had to go into the studio. Last minute rehearsals. He woke up to a call from Green.
"Hey," Green said casually, "you gotta go to work."
"I know," Red mumbled. "Did you see Ash on TV?"
"Uh-huh. Pretty fuckin' shit, isn't he?"
"He said he's trying to be as bad as Nickelback."
Green snorted. "Yeah, he wishes."
"Can't you follow me on tour?" Red asked.
"I have a life."
"Well, stop."
"Did you just tell me to die?"
"It's too early for this," Red muttered, rolling out of bed. "Fine. You can have a life. But y'know what I wanna do when I get back?"
"I can guess."
"Have a battle," Red said.
"That's exactly what I was gonna guess."
Red grinned. "I love you."
"You too." Green hesitated for a moment before hanging up. Very quickly, he added, "You can thank me then, too."
"What?"
But Green hung up.
Once he left the hotel, Red made it about five metres before being dragged into a familiar limo.
"Son!" Ash cried, actual tears in his eyes mixed with the worst kind of anger tight around his wrinkles. "Red! Have you seen the news?"
"I have work," Red replied.
Ash shoved an iPad in his face. It was the charts for that day, posted barely five minutes ago. Red scanned the list, and immediately understood. Ash's song was no longer number one. There was a new song, one he'd never heard of called Far Away.
It was a Nickelback song. And it had also shot straight to number one through some miracle. Replacing Ash's song.
Oh.
"Those divine bastards!" Ash snarled. "Now Hell's gonna be double frozen-over!"
Red stumbled out of the car.
"No! Son! You have to help me scheme!" Ash shouted.
Red ran inside. His vision was distorted, blurry, but he managed to find his way out of pure habit. Up the studio. He was early. Of course he was early, Green had woken him up, and.
"Are you okay?" Hugh asked.
Red quickly looked around. Hugh was the only other one there, at a laptop. Red snatched it from him.
"What the hell are you doing?!"
"Sorry, I gotta," Red said, quickly opening the browser, going to YouTube, searching: Nickelback Far Away.
Hugh was growling, "Listen. I'm about five seconds away from unleashing my rage."
Red hit play. A soft acoustic guitar melody started to play.
"What is this?" Hugh demanded.
The proctological voice of the Nickelback guy started to whine, "This time, this place misused, mistakes…"
"Nickelback?!" Hugh snarled. "That's it! I'm unleashin—"
"Shut up, I'm figuring out what my Satan dad is up to!" Red snapped. "I'm trying to hear!"
"Too long, too late, who was I to make you wait? Just one chance, just one breath, just in case there's just one left… cos you know, you know, you know…"
Hugh was glaring so hard he was shaking, but Red leant closer as the chorus started:
"I love you, I've loved you all along. And I miss you — been far away for far too long. I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go. I'll stop breathing if I don't see you anymore."
"Urgh, gross," Hugh said. "Is this what Nickelback thinks is romantic? What douchebags."
Yes. What douchebags.
"Wait, is Nickelback linked to your dad? Does that mean it's linked to Plasma?! NICKELBACK!"
Red shook his head. He kept listening. He didn't want it to be true.
"I wanted you to stay, cos I needed, I need to hear you say, that I love you, I've loved you all along. And I forgive you for being away for far too long."
But it was true. It was obviously true.
"So keep breathing cos I'm not leaving you anymore. Believe it, hold on to me, and never let me go."
"This song," Red whispered.
"Dude, are you crying?" Hugh asked. "Over Nickelback ?"
"You don't understand," Red said, "this song is about me."
"…this Nickelback song? Is about you?"
Red nodded, wiping his eyes.
"Okay," Hugh said, "I finally believe your dad is the literal devil, because you have to have no soul to relate to Nickelback that much."
"That's the point," Red said, "it's an ironic fratboy douche asshole torturing Satan. What else could Nickelback be?"
"Uh. Literally what?"
Hugh wouldn't understand. But Red did. He knew the truth of Nickelback now: it was Green.
Green was Nickelback all along.
man last time i updated this fic i was still just studying pr & communications, now i actually work in those fields and can confirm press junkets are the WORST
ANYWAY sorry it took me so long! some of you know from my other fics/twitter/tumblr the kind of personal/professional stuff that was going down. i lost my sense of humour & personality for a while, and i really didn't wanna force chapters. i think comedy is the hardest genre to write because you have to feel it, and i wasn't. again, i'm so sorry, but *points back at the video*
also. i'm not sure how many people will know neo satan ash ketchum's song. i mean, i wasn't even alive when it came out, and i'm so old. but, Kylie Minogue is amazing, so, do yourself a favour and go watch that amazingly late-80s music video
also it's my birthday in about 10mins if that encourages any forgiveness for being... Far Away For Far Too Long
i'm sorry i regret that joke immediately
see you all soon! (and i do mean soon)