Ten

Rose

The next few days were uneventful. We flew back from Court. Had class. No nightmares. No heart-to-hearts, and certainly no more contact than necessary.

It was pleasant, actually.

My intense lust had begun to die down, replaced with something deeper. I'd been unable to face it before, just how much I'd found myself tied to Christian in the time after Spokane. It had seemed so natural that I'd never even questioned it when Christian was the only person I actually spoke about what had happened to.

One day, soon after Dimitri had left, Christian and I had found ourselves walking to lunch together, and the words had almost left my mouth because I'd known Christian would have been able to make me feel better.

Just like he would have told me about the letters.

It was Liss that stopped us. The fact we were both unwilling to tell Liss things, but also unwilling to tell each other and betray her.

And then Tasha and Dimitri landed.

My numbness was even worse than before. Even talking to Christian became difficult.

The night before, there were no parties, and I was so restless I couldn't get to sleep for hours.

We sat in her cabin now, all of us, minus Adrian. I sat between Lissa and Tasha, staring straight ahead and forcing myself to remain composed. I wouldn't cry. I wouldn't, because Dimitri was happy, and that was a good thing.

He was trying to hide it behind his guardian mask now because I was here, and he still cared about me, but I saw the way his eyes glistened when he looked at Tasha. Saw the adoration in his eyes.

She made him happy, and that made me happy, but it also made me so hollow I could barely breathe. I smiled at all the right jokes, even as they passed through me without registering. I followed Christian's cues, mainly, from where he was sat opposite me. When he smiled, I smiled. When he frowned, I frowned.

That was the easiest way to do it.

And then we were standing up, and leaving. Christian and Lissa walked together ahead of me, hand-in-hand, and both were grinning.

It was lethargic, seeing Christian happy.

Almost exactly the same as seeing Dimitri happy.

And I wasn't going to take that happiness away from Christian whilst his Aunt was visiting. He deserved it.

I'd put on my fake smile, and I'd pretend to be normal because that would let him enjoy the reprieve of being around the person who loved him unconditionally.

Only, as soon as we'd separated and gone back to his room for bed, he rounded on me. "What's going on?"

"What are you talking about?"

He leant against the door, eyeing me. "You're a shell, Rose. You're working on autopilot. I don't understand, with my Aunt, what's the matter?"

I ran my hands through my hair and shut my eyes, running through all my options. "I really don't want to burden you," I said, hating the weakness in my voice. "Just enjoy your week with your Aunt, I'm really fine."

Christian pushed off from the wall and sat on the edge of the bed, looking up at me with his puppy dog face. I wasn't sure it was one I'd ever seen before: all big blue eyes and a pout.

My defence withered away almost immediately, but it was because of what I saw in those eyes. He wouldn't be able to enjoy himself when he was wondering what was wrong with me anyway. He'd seen through my apparently poor attempt of being a normal human being in Dimitri's presence.

Which was terrifying, because everyone else in that room had bought it easily, but Christian knew me too well.

I took a seat beside him on the bed. I couldn't look at him when I said it. "I was in love with Dimitri, before he left to be with Tasha."

There was a moment of silence, and I dared to look at him. He was frowning, as though trying to put together all the little pieces that he'd somehow missed. "I wasn't expecting that."

My lips quirked. "Yeah. If only I could have hidden my depression better and this could have been avoided." I groaned, clenching my hands into fists for a moment then releasing them. "I'd wanted to avoid this so badly. I can't put the burden of not telling Liss on to you. I have to tell her."

"I can keep a secret from Lissa." He practically cringed as he said it, and I shook my head.

"I'll tell her. It's no big deal. It's something I should have done months and months ago anyway."

Christian was looking guilty for making me tell him, and he shook his head. "I'm still surprised I never even guessed. Does no one else know?"

"Adrian knows. He overheard something he shouldn't at the Ski Lodge. I guess maybe your Aunt knows, too. I'd probably rather not know about that one way or the other." I ran a hand over my face. "Maybe now your pity from Liss will balance out with mine, anyway."

"I'm sorry you've got to be around my Aunt and Belikov so much this week. I can try and cut it down a bit, but we haven't even spoken about my mom and everything yet."

"What? No, you should see her as much as you want. I can deal with it, I promise. I'm really not that pathetic."

"You know I don't think you're pathetic." We sat side-by-side, our arms barely brushing against each other as we spoke, and it was somehow reassuring. The most alive I'd felt since Dimitri got here. "I just don't want to make it worse."

"I can deal with it if you're happy." I rolled my eyes and groaned. "Fucking hell, we've started sounding like some kind of old married couple. This has really got to stop. Where are the insults I was so fond of?"

Christian turned to me with one of the biggest smiles I'd seen in a long time. His eyes glistened, and he showed his fangs without a second thought. My breathing hitched, and for a moment I was hypnotised. "I'm sure we can get back to that when life gets less stressful."