Chapter 9

"You guys always treat me like I'm so young and innocent. But I'm not nearly as innocent as you think I am."

Slowly, Mikey reached for his wrist and tugged at the leather band, unwrapping it. On Mikey's skin was a series of thin, pale white lines.

Leo's blood pounded in his ears and bile rose in his throat as he stared at the scars on his youngest brother's wrist. Mikey - happy go lucky, ray of sunshine Mikey - had hurt himself. Purposely. "Mikey..." was all the leader could manage to say. The room was spinning too fast for him to think of anything else.

"I told you," the orange-banded turtle replied, wrapping the leather around his forearm again. "I'm not as innocent as you guys think."

"But...why would you do that to yourself?" Leo gasped.

"Why does anyone do it to themselves? I was hurting, Leo. I was hurting, and I was tired of everything: fighting a war that we never truly won, being called freaks by the humans, always having to stay in the shadows. Pick a reason. You won't be wrong." Mikey sighed, his shoulders slumping. "But besides all that...I was alone."

"You had us. You had April and Casey and-"

"And none of you bothered to look past the smile that was on my face, did you?" Mikey accused. "None of you tried to see the hurt in my eyes, or the tears I hid behind laughter and jokes. Pain isn't always measured by tears, Leo."

And despite his best efforts, Leo couldn't deny it. He couldn't deny that none of them - especially him - had tried. None of them thought that there was anything wrong with Mikey because he hid it so well. And they wouldn't have believed it even if Mikey wanted them to. He was just too nice of a person. Always laughing, always smiling, always ready with a hug or a joke if you needed it.

"I'm so sorry," Leo whispered, avoiding his brother's gaze. "I should've...I can't believe I never-"

"I didn't tell you so I could have your pity or so you would blame yourself. You've done enough of that already. I told you so you would realize that I do know what it's like to feel helpless, or to feel like you're drowning in darkness. You're not alone, Leo. Not like I was. Because unlike me, people could tell when you were upset or angry or something. You pushed them away. Not the other way around."

It was then that Leo realized something. He raised his head, hating himself for the pain and seriousness on Mikey's face. "You...you stopped, didn't you?"

Mikey nodded, fingering the leather strapping. "I stopped two years ago. I haven't done it since."

"How?"

"I talked to someone about it," was the simple answer.

The leader's brow furrowed. "Who was it? It wasn't April, was it?" Mikey shook his head. "Not Casey."

"Shell no."

"And it wasn't one of the guys, because they would've told me if you'd talked to them. So then who...?" The answer suddenly dawned on him. All those times Mikey had gone anywhere without them, there was only one person he'd seen. "Leatherhead?"

The orange-banded turtle nodded. "He was the only one I told about it. When I would go visit without you guys, I'd show him the scars. He helped me through it, and I started getting better. I cut cold turkey one day when I gave him my blade kit...and I haven't looked back since."

"Can I...can I see them again?"

"On one condition."

"What's that?" Leo asked apprehensively.

"You let me see yours."

Leo's heart skipped a beat. He was too ashamed of the scars on his wrists - of what he'd done to himself. But he wanted to see Mikey's scars again. He needed to. They were a symbol of the strength his little brother had.

So the leader slipped the gauze and leather off of his forearms, wincing a little at the sight of the newest cuts. The wounds were still angry and red-looking, but Mikey didn't even flinch. He gently took hold of Leo's arm and traced some of the older scars.

"What was this one for?" Mikey asked, pointing to a rough, deep scar.

Leo bit his lip, trying to think. "That one was for the time that Donnie got hit when I was helping Karai out with the Foot Clan thing. He almost died because I didn't tell you guys the truth, remember?"

Instead of agreeing, Mikey did something that Leo would've never expected. He pressed a gentle kiss to the line, then ran his thumb over it. "There."

"What did you-"

"The blame and hurt are gone. The wound is healed." He pointed to another scar. "What about this one?"

"The time that Shredder threw Splinter into the sewers."

Mikey nodded and kissed it, rubbing his thumb on it. "It's healed too."

They went back and forth like that for some time. Mikey asked what each scar was for and then kissed it, until every scar had been named and "healed," as he put it. And when he was done, he sat back and took the wrapping off of his own wrists, pointing a particular scar out to his oldest brother.

Leo inhaled at the sight of it. It ran lengthwise down Mikey's arm, stopping halfway down. The tissue had healed, but the line was thick and rough. Now, Leo was no idiot. He knew what a cut like that was for. "You tried to kill yourself," the leader whispered.

"It was a bad day," Mikey replied, sighing a little. "I was over at Leatherhead's for a visit, and I had been feeling pretty low. Raph had been bullying me, calling me names. Donnie ignored me all the time, and it felt like you didn't even care. I decided that I'd had enough. I had my kit on me-"

"I thought you gave it to him."

"This was before he knew I cut. Anyway, I had my kit on me and I was fed up with everything, so I just pulled out a blade and cut straight down my arm. I passed out from blood loss, and the next thing I knew LH had me propped up in a nest of blankets and stuff while he stitched me up and gave me some of his own blood."

"He never told us that you'd tried to-"

"That's because he called and told you guys I wanted to stay the night, remember? After he hung up, he sat down and talked with me about everything...and it helped. It really did. That's when I decided that I was going to talk to him if I needed help. Every week, he set up a time and a place to meet with me and discuss the progress I made. Finally, I made the choice to give him my kit. I've been clean ever since."

Leo sat back against the bed, trying to process everything. Mikey was silent as he waited patiently for his sibling to work through it. Eventually he spoke again. "Do you think...could he help me?" Before Mikey could reply, the leader's carefully built walls cracked...and then shattered altogether. Tears slipped down his cheeks. "I'm just so tired of it...It hurts, Mikey. Everything hurts."

"I know, dude." Mikey pulled him into a hug. "But it'll get better. I'll help you. Leatherhead will help you, I'm sure of it. You're not alone. Not like I was."

And as Leo cried into his brother's plastron, Mikey's strong arms wrapped around him. The eldest realized that maybe - just maybe - there was a chance. A chance to save himself.