The hotel was quiet that evening by the time Riza returned to it. The afternoon had been tense, quieter than normal, but if nothing else, Riza knew she could rely on Roy to get work done. The rest of the band had carried on ,following Riza's guidance as they prepared for their concert. The usual banter Roy shared with the audience during the concert had been mostly absent and their otherwise mediocre show had only been saved by Havoc's incessant attempts at riling them both and his own running commentary and jokes. Where Roy had stopped engaging the audience, Jean had stepped into the limelight, flirting with fans. By the end of the night, going back to the hotel had been a relief; Riza took a shower in the other bathroom and Roy retreated to the bedroom. When she finished showering Riza followed suit, softly calling for Hayate as she opened the door.
Hayate scrambled up into her arms after she closed the door behind her. Riza could barely make out Roy's dense figure on the far bed, where he was curled up under the sheets. She hesitated for a brief moment, before setting Hayate down on the other bed. Riza slipped into the bed beside her puppy, and said nothing. Upset stuck in her throat like a thick syrup.
Sensing something was upsetting his owner, Hayate eagerly scooted closer to Riza's face, licking her playfully as he settled in under her arms. A wet nose pushed against her cheek, and Riza smiled softly. Scratching behind his ears, she listened to his soft whine of content. Rolling, Hayate exposed his soft belly and wiggled up under Riza's hands.
In the darkness she could make out Hayate's sweet face as he flopped over to lick her chin happily and the soft brush of his tail against the sheets. Under Riza's gentle petting and warm embrace, Hayate stilled and fell asleep curled against her chest. She felt her puppy quietly snoring. A thin and tired smile crossed her features and she quietly searched for the dark figure across the room.
Roy shifted, turning in his bed and pulling sheets with him. From across the room, Riza could hear the tense breathing of his sleepless worry, and the tightly strung rhythm of his movements as he attempted to get comfortable. Even with a puppy in her arms, Riza understood the nagging sensation of being bereft, and the imposing sleeplessness that faced her. Roy's attitude had been unacceptable, but making him so anxious in return seemed unfair. An apology was in order, but neither of them was likely to sleep if it was never made.
After she heard him toss again in his bed, sitting up and huddling in the dark, Riza sighed softly. He tensed, stopping all movement before he dropped his comforter down over his lap. Although she couldn't see his face, Riza could hear the unease in Roy's words.
"Are you still awake?" he asked, voice small in the darkness.
Riza hesitated. She leaned up to turn on the small lamp over the nightstand, flicking the small switch to bathe them both in a dim glow of light. She made out Roy's face in the muted light - the deep shadows under his eyes and the anxious furrow of his brow. He gave her a half-relieved look, and she softened her expression fractionally.
He swung his legs over the edge of his bed before rocking to his feet. Roy ran a hand through still damp hair, brushing it back from his eyes as he looked over at Hayate sleeping easily against Riza's chest. He sighed, then eyed the door.
"Do you want to come with me to run down to the gas station? I wanted some snacks," Roy said, pulling on a hoodie and sweats. He gave Riza an inscrutable look, flipping the hood up over his eyes. She bit her bottom lip, and then scooped up Hayate into her arms, sliding off the bed.
"Here," Riza said gently pressing the puppy into Roy's hands. "Put him in the front pocket of your hoodie," she directed. Pulling at the fabric of his jacket, she plopped a still snoring Hayate into Roy's large pocket, causing a startled Roy to quickly place his hands under the sudden weight. For a moment Hayate looked ready to consider waking up, but instead he squirmed inside the pocket and fell back asleep. The quiet brush of a wet nose against Roy's palm seemed to ease from of the tension from Roy's shoulders.
Riza threw on her jacket, grabbing her purse as she headed for the door. Roy followed closely behind. He hummed under his breath, leg bouncing as Riza tucked the hotel key card into her pockets. They walked in a heavy silence when they left the room. Without checking her phone, Riza guessed it had to be nearly one. The streets were mostly empty, lined with dim street lights and paved sidewalks. Another quiet soul crossed the street, and Riza sighed. The traffic lights changed with a soft click. The gas station itself was less than a block from the hotel's entrance and Riza walked it in silence, keeping in tune with Roy's exhausted pace. It didn't matter how physically tired he was - when Roy got like this, sleep was more elusive than ever.
When they reached the small gas station shop, Roy edged in behind Riza and wandered the aisles until he located what he had been looking for. A few minutes and a plastic shopping basket filled to the brim later, they checked out, Roy casually scratching behind Hayate's ears. A low whine escaped Hayate, and Riza moved to slip the bags over her wrists as they left the QT.
The trip back was nearly as short, although Roy seemed to linger on the streets. Uncertain of where the reluctance came from, Riza simply keyed them back into the hotel rooms, dropping the plastic bags on Roy's bed and sunk down on the edge of the mattress. Roy followed suit, collapsing against the bed. Fishing out a package from the bags, he tore open the hostess cupcakes and passed one to Riza.
"I figured we'd split them since there's always two to a package," Roy said softly. He bit his lip, chewing on it before he looked away. Roy's knee trembled, and he rubbed his arms lightly, as if cold. "...I'm sorry about earlier."
Palming the sugary cake in her hands, Riza shrugged. She reached for the milk cartons they'd bought, and passed Roy one before opening her own and setting it on the nightstand. Taking a judicious bite of her cake, she chewed thoughtfully. The apology was needed, but Riza remained unsettled. Choking back a cupcake was the first step however, and she watched out of the corner of her eye as Roy wedged open his milk carton.
Instead of eating his cupcake right away, he turned to her. "Am I..." he searched, shoulders slumping. "Am I really that bad? Useless, I mean."
Riza blinked. She reached for the lump that was Hayate in Roy's pocket, and then retracted her hand. "You're not useless, Roy. The whole band exists because you do." There had been moments where Riza had come to terms with her willingness to lose the music, the record deal, and the fans - that had all been easy to reconcile with. But losing Roy had remained unacceptable in all possibilities.
"No, you're the thing that keeps the band together. And it's not as if you can't compose, or you don't write. Bassists are easy enough to replace-"
"-You're our frontman," Riza interrupted. "Do we look like Van Halen to you?"
Roy raised a brow. "Or The Doors, Pink Floyd, Journey, AC/DC..." he listed, counting off on his fingers as he cradled Hayate in his pocket. He took a bite out of his Hostess cupcake and then balanced it on his knee. "It can be done."
"Don't give me that," Riza said with a frown. "Singers often get replaced because they're dead. Just because someone else sings vocals now doesn't mean Queen is the same without Freddie Mercury. I'd quit. Or Leave," Riza paused, glancing over at Roy before she hunched forwards, drawing herself into a tight ball. "Both," she noted flatly.
"If I left?" he asked searchingly.
She nodded. "The Burnouts is our band. I was only teasing with your mum, because I thought it..." she paused, searching for the right word. Riza flushed under the dim light, and then looked away. "It was situational irony - joking you're useful enough," she explained, before tapping his shoulder and humming Alanis Morrisette, "Isn't it ironic, don't you think?"
"Oh." Roy took a sip of his milk and then fell into another fit of silence.
Waiting until she'd figured out the best way to word it, Riza scootched closer to Roy and pressed her fingertip to Hayate's nose poking out of the pocket. Finally, she said, "If it bothers you when I'm too familiar with your mother, you can tell me. I know you don't get much time to talk with her and I could have just slipped out to get ready."
Roy shook his head, placing his hand over hers. "She likes talking to you," he insisted. "I don't mind. It makes her happy to hear from you, she...you know she's very protective. Especially of you."
"I just thought you were upset because..." Riza trailed off, finishing her cake instead of her thoughts.
"No. I thought you were fed up with me." Roy flopped backwards onto his back, quietly easing Hayate out of his pouch and onto his chest. "This morning could have gone a lot better," he admitted.
Riza set down the plastic tray the cupcakes had come in and fell back beside him. "You think?"
He gave a long-suffering sigh. "God. God, the show was-"
"-We managed alright. We've done worse," Riza said calmly, rubbing his shoulder. "And we'll play better next time. But for now," she said firmly, scooting closer to Roy's form. "You need to get some sleep."
"If only it were that easy." Roy said, wriggling under his comforter as he pulled Hayate up to rest under his collarbone on his chest. Wordlessly, Riza tucked herself against Roy's side and pressed her forehead against his neck. She smoothed a hand over Hayate's fur, massaging his paws.
"You're already exhausted," Riza said. "Just relax for now. Talk to me," she encouraged, breathing in deeply.
Reaching to turn off the small bedside light, Roy paused, then flicked the switch. Riza blinked to let her eyes adjust to the darkness again, where Roy's expression was barely visible and only the emotions in his voice carried weight.
"My mum should trade me for you," he said at last. "The rest of the kids aren't screw ups..."
Riza poked him firmly in the side. "Your mother loves you. And she doesn't think you're a screw up. She hasn't seen you in months and she worries. I'm just a tag along to that."
At that, Roy wrapped his arm around her and pulled her tight against him. "You're a package deal. I don't think she'd ever forgive me if I didn't bring you home when I visited."
"We should make plans to visit soon. There's a break in touring coming up and she wants to see you. I can tell."
"I..." Roy searched, his voice cracking. "I don't think I can go. I can't just show up-" he broke off, letting the silence of the room fill in his meaning. His next breath shook, and without thought, Riza pressed her lips to his neck gently in assurance. It was hard to think he hadn't seen Chris since before his hospitalization. The overwhelming fear that lay there had kept Roy on edge, an impending sense of guilt and shame permeating the back of his mind.
"I'll be there," Riza said. "Roy she just wants to see you. She's proud of you, you know. And maybe a little scared, but she's glad you're doing this."
"She wanted me to be a composer-" Roy interrupted with a low rumble.
"No, Chris wanted you to do composing because you were good at it and she thought it made you happy. She always wanted what made you happy the most, and that's more than my father ever considered when he looked at my potential."
"I'm sorry," Roy winced. "I didn't mean it like that."
Riza shook her head. "I'm just reminding you there isn't a catch. Your mom wants you healthy and happy and you could be busking for all she cares."
"We could still go busking," Roy offered lightly.
Riza smiled against his skin. "We could," she agreed. "I'll bring my violin. They won't expect that."
"Mmm," Roy replied. Another moment passed, and his breathing began to even slowly into a more relaxed rhythm. Riza waited, watching Hayate's form slowly rise and fall in the darkness as Roy breathed in and out. When it seemed like he was finally easing away from the brunt of his anxieties, Riza closed her eyes.
"Tired?" she asked.
Roy made a noise of affirmation.
"Going to sleep?" Riza pressed.
"If you stay here," he mumbled as she reached over and laid her arm over his chest. Her sigh brushed against his neck, and though he couldn't see it in the darkness she gave him a look.
"I'm not going anywhere," she reminded, brushing her thumb over his sides.
"You can't," Roy said sleepily. "Even in falsetto I can't hit your range."
"I suppose that's a convincing argument." Riza conceded.
"Havoc isn't pretty enough to take your place," Roy added thoughtfully. Riza snickered, reaching up to push back some of Roy's hair from the pillow.
"Well as long as you're sure about that..." Riza said gamely.
"I am. The rest of the internet doesn't believe I think so."
Hooking her leg over his, Riza sighed. "I told you not to google yourself."
"I didn't," Roy said stubbornly as he trailed off. Another long moment passed before he finally added, "I googled you instead."
"That just sounds obscene," Riza quirked a brow in the dark, and then rested her chin on his shoulder.
"It was, sort of," Roy laughed tiredly. "All kinds of fanfiction."
"Are you saying people write dirty things about me?" she asked pressing closer again to nuzzle her nose against the crook of his neck.
"Mmm. All of us," Roy said, shifting further into his pillow as he made a pleased hum in the back of his throat at her cozying. Again, he sounded more on the verge of sleep than consciousness, and Riza pressed against his side.
"And did you read any of it?" she whispered into his ear. Roy sighed lightly.
"I plead whatsit," he said with a yawn. "The American one."
"You can't plead the fifth, Roy," Riza said, nudging him with her foot. When Roy didn't respond, she huffed and tapped him with her thumb. A rough murmur echoed in the back of his throat as she prodded at him and when she did it again he snuffled, causing Hayate to twitch.
"I can't believe it," Riza said. "You actually fell asleep."