Chapter 10

Gene was wise enough to steer clear of Alice for the next couple of days, he understood that her current, fragile mental state put him in more danger and he didn't want to run the risk of being exposed. It gave Alice the peace she needed to collect herself for the trip she was taking with Daryl. He came to visit her at multiple points, he sat with her and sometimes talked and sometimes just kept her company whilst she rested but she appreciated him being there, she knew that whilst he was there Gene was less likely to make an appearance.

The morning before they set off for the cabin her bandage was removed by Siddiq who needed to check her wound, it was only here that she really got to see it for the first time. Daryl was with her, he sat by the window but he could see everything. It was ugly and had been deep, Siddiq was unsure whether it was good for Alice to exert it so soon after it was just starting to heal but she insisted on being allowed to go, he relented eventually. He double checked the stitches and said he would remove them once they got back but to keep it as covered as possible whilst they were out and above all else to keep her wrist away from any walkers. After replacing the bandage, he left, it was then that Daryl joined her at the bed.

He picked up the red bandana which had been put to the side and he gently took her wrist in his hands as he tied the bandana back around it.

'Why did you do it?' He asked softly, holding her hand in both of his absent-mindedly once he was done tying the bandana.

'I was ready to die.' She answered plainly but she kept her eyes down, avoiding his gaze.

'But did you want to?' He asked and she thought for a second, she'd never actually considered it like that. For her it had just been a case of she'd been ready to so she was sure that she must have wanted to; but thinking about it, it wasn't the case at all.

'No. I didn't want to die. It just felt like the right thing to do, to stop hurting, to just let it end.' She said and watched Daryl's thumb as it stroked her own, she wondered if he was even aware he was doing it.

'It wasn't.' He replied and sighed, 'I used to know a girl, Maggie's little sister, she felt the same way as you I guess. I didn't get it with her, I thought it was just for attention. She didn't go nearly as deep as you though. I don't know, when I saw you and all that blood it scared me. My first thought was that you were just the same, doing it for attention, but there was so much blood.'

He went quiet and Alice paused for a moment before sitting up straight so she was closer to him and taking his hands in hers, he looked up but struggled to meet her eye. She wasn't sure where this new confidence came from but as she held his rough hands in hers something tingled inside of her, like butterflies in her chest and stomach, and she had to fight to keep them down and stop her voice from wavering.

'Every time I did it before I wasn't ready to die. It wasn't even like practice, it was more like a… a compulsion, a need, something so I didn't forget. I was so alone, I'd seen everyone I loved die, I'd been through things that I didn't understand and made me feel like I deserved to hurt more, like I deserved to die but I was too scared to do it then. I had a taste of that here again and I couldn't bear to have to go through it all again, I just wanted it to be over. I couldn't lose anyone else.' She spoke quickly and Daryl watched her with an expression she couldn't read. He was slowly coming to the realisation that his rejection of her those few nights ago had had something to do with her pain now but he didn't know why and he didn't want to ask just then, he didn't want to exert her feelings when she was obviously emotional; and he didn't want to have to deal with the answers himself at that moment in time.

'You won't be alone now. Hell, Maggie's as good as adopted you too.' He smiled weakly and she tried to smile in return, he lifted his spare hand to her cheek and Alice suddenly became very aware of how close they were. She was reminded of how she felt when Gene was about to kiss her but that couldn't be the case with Daryl, he wasn't that kind of guy. She didn't feel the same way anyhow, instead of dread and acceptance filling her chest she felt a fluttering, like something was pulling her to him against her logical instincts. She found herself speaking without the filter she usually had.

'What about you?' She asked, her breath catching in her throat with every breath.

'I like you, I think you're interesting. I hope you stick around.' He said quietly and they both paused for a moment, suspended in their strange position.

'Thank you again,' she whispered, 'for saving my life.'

'Now you owe me one again.' He smiled in return and this time her smile came easily. Just as Alice thought he was going to kiss her he moved back and planted a brief kiss to her forehead.

'I'll go load up the car, get ready to go.' He said and she nodded as he moved away. As he left she felt like a weight had been lifted from her chest and she could breathe normally again, but it wasn't uncomfortable, it was exhilarating and she found herself laughing as she pulled herself out of bed and into some new clothes.

It was less than an hour before Daryl and Alice were on the road together and it was like the previous interaction had never happened. Things were easy between them and comfortable again, Alice found herself laughing and teasing him and he retorted just as much, acting grumpy at her happiness but secretly pleased to see already that the trip was doing her good. Daryl pulled the car to the side of the road and they got out to walk through the woods towards his cabin.

Alice was secretly pleased to be in the woods again, it felt like a home to her, it felt like calm. Of course, she was still on the constant lookout for walkers and kept her fingers resting on the hilt of her knife, but she enjoyed the fresh air, the occasional bout of birdsong, the coldness of the breeze. She liked being out in the open just as much as having a home in the community at Hilltop, it was all about the compromise.

The hike to the cabin took them longer than Daryl had anticipated and it was coming to the late afternoon by the time they reached the run-down shack. They were much more careful in checking the area this time and took out the walkers which were nearby. Once they were sure that they were alone and safe, they began to explore. Daryl began by looking for medicine in the bathroom whilst Alice searched the kitchen. She found little food that was still edible but when she opened one cupboard she found something else.

She happened to come across the liquor cabinet as Daryl was re-entering the room and she turned to him.

'I guess I hit the jackpot?' She smiled and he joined her to examine the contents of the cabinet. 'What is it all?' She asked and he looked at her in surprise.

'I thought you went to loads of teen parties?' He asked and she shrugged.

'I never drank.' She said and once again Daryl was painfully reminded of Beth, reminded of the time when they had found the moonshine in a cabin not dissimilar to this one.

'That's rum, that's vodka, whisky, bourbon and that's more rum, just dark rum.' He explained as he pointed out the various bottles and she shrugged and wandered away, not particularly interested in the alcohol.

Once they were done clearing out the cabin of anything they could carry the sun was beginning to set. it had gotten.

'Listen,' he said as he walked out of the cabin and joined Alice on the porch, she turned to him. 'I think maybe we should stay here the night, it's not good to be out there at night, riskier. We can leave at first light.'

Alice nodded wordlessly and slowly made her way back inside. They spent some time ensuring that all the entrances were secure just in case of any walkers and then Alice made up a couple of beds in the living room on the sofas and Daryl made them something to eat out of the little edible food they'd found. They ate in silence and Alice began to feel a little uncomfortable, like there was something between them that needed to be said but neither of them were really sure what it was or how to say it.

The light vanished and darkness enfolded them, Daryl lit a small fire in the fire place and they hoped they would be safe with it but were on the alert just in case. They waited for trouble for a long time before beginning to relax and let down their guard a little. They hardly spoke through the whole evening and Alice was starting to wonder if they would say anything when she thought of the liquor cabinet.

'It's a shame that alcohol will go to waste.' She said slowly, sneaking a glance at Daryl who was staring into the fire. He turned to her quickly as if she'd made him jump with the suddenness of her speech.

'What?' He asked, not understanding her at all. She jumped up from her sofa and retrieved the half empty bottles from the cabinet, he watched her nervously. 'What you doing?'

'Well we can't take them back with us, they're going to waste otherwise.' She muttered as she removed the cap from a bottle of rum. She took a sniff and then grimaced. 'Does it taste as gross as it smells?' She asked and Daryl shrugged in reply. She took a sudden swig and Daryl watched with a degree of pleasure as she began to cough and splutter immediately, but she swallowed it nonetheless.

'Jesus, that's awful.' She coughed and he smiled a bit at her. She held out the bottle but he shook his head but leaned forwards and chose the bottle of whisky instead. She took another swig and reacted much the same as she had done before.

'You should probably slow down a bit, it won't take much to get you wasted.' Daryl told her before taking a swig of the whisky himself, it had been a while since he'd had alcohol himself and knew he ought to pace himself.

'I wanna try all of them.' She said, looking at the different bottles and Daryl snorted.

'That's a great way to get more drunk and have a worse hangover.' He said and she contemplated for a moment.

'Maybe we should get drunk.' She replied philosophically and he simply watched her, 'I mean, you don't have to, but I should. See what I was missing at all those parties, not like mom and dad can get mad at me now, right?' She removed the cap off the vodka and took a mouthful of that. 'God that's worse.'

'Here.' Daryl said and passed her the whisky to try, she seemed to like that a little more but not much.

'Why does alcohol taste so bad?' She asked and he chuckled.

'Because it's poison? You're literally poisoning your body right now.'

'Then why do people drink it?'

'Because it makes you forget shit.' He said and she looked at him. He felt like she wanted to say something, to tell him what she wanted to forget, instead she looked him dead in the eye and took another gulp of the rum.

Daryl drank a little more, he didn't want to be left behind feeling too sober whilst she was drunk which he didn't imagine would take long. They drank in silence for a while, just watching the fire, when Daryl thought Alice might have fallen asleep but she was more awake than she was before.

'What do you want to forget?' She asked suddenly but he didn't jump this time.

'I don't know.' He shrugged, 'What everyone does I guess. The shit show that is the world now.'

'Hmmm.' She mused and nodded slowly. She got up suddenly and joined him on his sofa, he was feeling more tipsy than before but took a few extra swigs at his bottle for good measure, she wobbled when she walked. 'Is the world meant to be spinning?' She asked and he laughed a little.

'Pretty sure.' He replied and she realised her mistake.

'No! No I mean, my head. This is normal, right?' She checked and he nodded.

'Yeah, you'll be fine, just yell if you feel sick I don't want you hurling on me.' He said and she smiled.

'Nah I don't feel sick. Just happy. Happier than I've felt in a long time.' She said and studied his face.

'Did you have kids before this?' She asked and he shook his head. 'Just the way I've seen you with Judith, I wondered if you'd been married, had kids, done all that.'

'Nope, only ever had myself to look after, I guess I learned on the way with Judith.' He told her, 'we all had to pitch in one way or another.' They both took another drink, Alice was finally understanding why her friends had always seemed so insensible when they were drunk, she wasn't feeling particularly bright herself.

'Me neither, I mean obviously.' She told him and he watched her intently. 'My friends used to have these sleepovers and I'd go but I hated them. They just used to talk about stuff they'd done with boys and it all sounded weird, I guess I was never pretty or popular enough to get like that with a guy. I've never even kissed a guy.'

Even when drunk Alice deliberately omitted the man after Joshua and Gene from her credited experiences. Those men had taken things from her, she didn't count them as having any meaning. She had never kissed Gene back, she'd simply allowed herself to be kissed, the man after Joshua hadn't kissed her at all. Having had these first experiences taken from her she wanted a memory to replace them, a memory of something that meant something to her.

'I find that hard to believe, pretty girl like you,' Daryl scoffed, Gene on his mind too. 'Besides, that farmer boy was all over you.'

'Yeah that farmer boy can't take a hint.' She replied quickly and then blushed, she didn't want to tell Daryl about Gene, not now and not whilst drunk but he had already caught on.

'What's that mean?' He demanded and Alice shrugged and took another drink. Daryl put his drink down and leaned towards her, anger flashing in his eyes; he was drunk but not drunk enough to be stupid, he was starting to work it out.

'Daryl just drop it.' She said quietly but he wouldn't.

'What do you mean?' He demanded of her and took her arms, holding them tightly and shaking her a little until she was a bit scared.

'Stop it.' She squirmed, trying to get free but he only held her tighter.

'Tell me.'

'It's nothing I can't handle.' She grabbed into the lapels of his jacket to try and push him away but he only seemed to pull her closer and tears were suddenly in her eyes. 'Please.' She whispered and he relented a little.

He could see he was scaring her so he loosened his grip a little but didn't let go and neither did she. Instead she closed her eyes and bowed her head slightly, still gripping to his lapels as if for support.

'Is he hurting you?' Daryl asked, his voice was shaking and it brought Alice back to the present.

'No.' She answered firmly, suddenly finding a place to re-direct her anger. 'But you did.'

Neither of them let go of the other but now Alice was angry and she was letting it be known.

'You wrote me off, you abandoned me. I trusted you and you just walked away when I needed you. Because of you he got worse, I was handling it but you made it worse… I made the choice to end my life when you walked away… No, shit, that's not fair. I didn't, I'm sorry, I just… I don't know.' She slumped a little and bowed her head again.

'You're not sleeping with him?' Daryl asked quietly and she shook her head.

'I have never consensually had sex with another man.' She told him, partially hoping he would get the hint but he didn't. When she looked up there were tears in his eyes and on his cheek and she was aware she was also crying. In that moment, the fluttering feeling was in her chest again but now it seemed amplified one hundred times over. She couldn't control it, it seemed to be controlling her, she didn't know if it was the alcohol or the fact that Daryl's breath was mingling with her own but she couldn't control it. In one moment, her thoughts and feelings became clear and she knew what she wanted, she wanted her first kiss.

She leaned forward slowly, giving Daryl the chance to pull away but he didn't. He watched her with a little ambivalence, there was uncertainty in his eyes, but he moved ever so slightly closer to her in return. She felt her nose touch his and closed her eyes as she met his lips with her own. It was a perfect first kiss for her. For a split second the room stopped spinning, everything became clear, she was aware of everything, and she was happy.

It was so different to how she felt with Gene, he was always in control in those situations but here she felt equal to Daryl, felt like she was respected, like he was just as frightened as she was. She pulled slowly away from Daryl in fear that she had overstepped her mark but he didn't let go of her arms.

'I'm real glad we found you.' He whispered and she laughed as his lips pressed against hers again. He didn't know how he felt about this strange girl he'd only met a few weeks ago, a girl he had shot. She was so young but was wise and tough beyond her years, she was an adult and a child at the same time, he'd tried to repress any inklings of feelings he'd suspected himself of having towards her. At first he thought it was just a protectiveness after he'd been so foolish to shoot her and she'd seemed so child-like, but then it grew into something different, something he himself didn't quite understand. Something he hadn't ever felt before.

Her hands moved to his face as his moved from her arms to encircle her waist. She pulled his head closer to hers, eager to deepen the kiss and he was happy to oblige. She felt no uncertainty with him, no shame like she felt with Gene, she wanted to please him and to let him please her, so long as it was equal and fair, she was happy.

She pulled off his jacket and began to work on the buttons of his shirt and he tugged at the hem of her shirt to pull it up, her bottle fell to the floor with a thump and rolled away dejectedly. She giggled nervously as he pulled her shirt over her head and then helped to remove his own. When she looked up at his face again he was looking at her shoulder with a sad look on his face, she followed his gaze and saw the bullet wound which was scabbed over but not fully healed. He leaned forward slowly and planted a gentle kiss on the wound, before slowly kissing up her shoulder and neck and meeting with her lips again. She poured all the force of her feeling into their kiss and allowed her limited experience to be guided by him. It didn't feel like he was taking complete control though, just leading the way and setting the pace.

He lowered her down gently and when it happened it didn't hurt like it always did with Gene, it felt good. He was slow and gentle with her, it wasn't what she expected from him at all with his rough exterior and personality but she appreciated it.

Once they were both satisfied they lay side by side, arms touching and staring at the ceiling. Alice had never felt this way before, she almost felt complete, she felt comfortable and satisfied. She hadn't been aware that there had been something in her that had been wanting, something that she had needed to fulfil, but Daryl had found it and he had smoothed it out for her. She turned to him and smiled and he looked back at her with a softness in his eyes she'd not seen before.

'Thank you.' She whispered and he leaned down to kiss her again. They remained in silence for a long while and eventually, they fell asleep.