Burning Inside

10. The Homeless

I can't sleep. I just lie on my back in the dark, listening to the rain splattering against the window, thinking about school. In a short time I will have to get up and get myself ready, and I'm not too happy about it.

But it's the last semester and all, and with only five months until graduation it's not an option to flunk it. I think Soda was wrong about one thing - maybe Darry eventually would get over it if I never go to college, but he would definitely hit the roof if I dropped out now. Not that I will. I will go to school, and the truth is, it hasn't got so much to do with Darry, either. Maybe some part of it is because of him, but he's not the biggest reason.

The hands of the clock slowly move to six thirty, showing no mercy for my lack of sleep. With a sigh I sit up and rub my eyes - it feels like they are filled with gravel. I reach for my cigarettes on the nightstand, put a stick into my mouth and rise.

I use the back door, let it shut quietly behind my back. Goosebumps immediately shot up on my arms, and the grass is wet against my bare feet. It's freezing cold, but I try to ignore it as I light up, staring out into the still darkness. I usually like this time of the day best, when everything is quiet, before the rest of the world wakes up. When I feel alone but not lonely.

Closing my eyes, I remember sunrises in my past, some I never will forget, like the one I watched with Johnny in Windrixville. But some others, no matter how great they were, they were wrong. I was at the wrong place with the wrong people. I never knew what would happen when the new day came; if I would stay or move, and always, always that hope of being allowed to go home... feelings up and down like a rollercoaster. Never knowing when I would see my brothers again, when I would be able to talk to them...

Shit. I force my eyes open again. That is the past. I have to make it the past, not let it affect me anymore. I've done a lot of thinking since New Years Eve, trying to figure out how I ended up like this, this shadow of myself. I'm not doing anything I used to like anymore. I stopped with track, I hardly read books and I don't even know when I truly watched a movie the last time. I never go to the cinema. All I do is stuff my head with schoolwork and booze so I won't have to deal with life. Lying to everyone and myself. But this is not how it was supposed to be.

I must start to make things better, handle them better.

I flicker away the butt of the cigarette, and watch as the little orange dot gets put out by the rain. I will go to school and make peace with Eddie. Then I will talk to Darry about another year in Tulsa, and I will stop drinking when I feel bad. I don't have an addiction, I know that. It's not the alcohol I want, it's just the effect from it, but it always makes me feel worse afterwards. And I don't mean the hangovers.

I know deep down that drinking is not the solution, even if I want to believe Eddie's words too. He made it sound so simple. Do this and don't feel that - and he was right, wasn't he, but he forgot to tell me about the guilt. I feel more guilty now than ever.

I don't want to, but I have to go inside again. I take a shower and get dressed, telling myself this will be a good day. I still hope so when I make my way to the kitchen.

Darry is already finished with his breakfast when I show up, standing by the counter and pouring coffee into a thermos. He gives me a lopsided smile when he sees me.

"Morning. Sleep well?"

"Yeah." It's a lie, but hopefully he won't notice the redness of my eyes. I grab a fork from the drawer, then pick up the plate of pancakes from the table. I don't care to sit, just lean myself against the fridge to eat.

"Why don't you sit down?" Darry wonders.

I shake my head while chewing and swallow. "I'm late."

He throws a glance at the clock, frowning while screwing on the lid of the thermos.

"Tell Soda you'll need the car today. You know it's yours too."

"I know it is. He's not the only one using it."

"Tell me what?" When speaking of the devil, Soda drags himself into the kitchen, yawning big and tapping my shoulder so I will move out of the way. I take a step to the right and he opens the fridge, starting to check the shelves for something to eat.

"I need the car today," I tell him, repeating Darry's words. "I'm late for school."

"Yeah, sure. Steve's gonna pick me up anyway." Soda moves to the table with his chosen breakfast and sits down.

"Then that's set," Darry says. "I'm heading out. See you two tonight. Have a good day in school, Pony."

Not until we hear the truck starting up does Soda look at me again, his face serious. "You haven't talked to him," he states.

With a sigh, I put my plate away. I don't feel very hungry. "Not yet."

"Shouldn't you have applied to college already? How can he not know -" He interrupts himself when he sees my expression, narrowing his eyes. "Darry thinks you've done it?"

I stare down at the floor. "Uh... maybe."

"Shit, Pony..."

"I didn't mean to lie to him. It was just easier."

Soda leans back in his chair, looking disappointed. "I don't get why you don't trust him," he says.

His words hurt me a bit, but maybe they are true. What if I don't trust Darry? I want to believe he will understand me, but since he couldn't go to college at all...

"I'll talk to him tonight, all right?" I mutter.

"I hope you do. It's been two weeks since you and I talked."

I don't say anything, instead I just turn around to go to my room. I grab my backpack from the floor and toss in some things; my new notebook, a few pencils, my cigarettes and lighter. I know I should hurry, but I can't help but sink down onto my bed, leaning my forehead into my hand.

In an attempt to not disappoint Darry, I disappointed Soda instead. It seems like I can't do anything right these days.

xXx

"Hey."

Eddie slowly turns around, with a cigarette jammed between his fingers and too dark skin under his eyes. It looks like he haven't slept for weeks. I throw a glance at the guys he is standing with, some hoods I've seen with Curly Shepard sometimes - the kind of guys Darry and Soda don't really want me to be around if I don't have to. One of them nods at me, obviously recognizing me too, but I chose to ignore him. I know Eddie - they are not his kind of company either.

Or at least weren't.

"Can we talk?"

"Later, maybe," Eddie says. He lifts his hand to take another drag of the stick, not quite meeting my eyes.

I yank my backpack higher up on my shoulder. School is out and it took me the whole day to find him. He hasn't been to his classes, not even English that we share. First I thought he wasn't in school at all today, but on my way to my car, I spotted him standing here.

"I can give you a lift home," I say, and it's like something dark falls over his face. He quickly shakes his head though, starting to turn his back at me again. I strain myself to not curse at him. I'm not going to beg or anything, but I really want him to come with me. I can sense that something is wrong.

"Some other place then?" I ask.

His eyes flicker to the ground and back, and I wait impatiently, trying not to show how edgy I am.

"Yeah, okay," he finally answers.

I don't say anything as we walk toward the parking lot, and neither does he. His clothes look more ragged than usual, and he hasn't got a backpack, I notice. In the car I put the key into the ignition, but I don't turn it, just lean back in my seat, watching him. I have so many questions I want to ask right now, but I doubt it would be a good idea. Instead I start with something else.

"I just wanted to say sorry."

"What for?" He holds his face neutral, but it seems like he's still pissed at me. I'm not really sure what I did to him to make him still mad almost a month later, but I'm determined to make us friends again.

"You know what for. What happened at that party."

"It's okay, I already forgot about that." He talks too fast, and I raise my eyebrows.

"Yeah? How come you didn't want to talk to me then?"

"I'm talkin' now, ain't I?" he snaps, suddenly a lot more defensively, but I refuse to dodge.

"You weren't even in school today."

"So?"

"So? It's just odd, that's all. You never wanted to ditch before."

He closes his eyes, sighing deep and breathing out, nervously tapping his fingers against his leg. "I didn't ditch. I'm actually thinkin' of droppin' out."

He could have punched me in my gut and I wouldn't have been more shocked. I can only stare at him, trying to find a reason in his now expressionless face. "What? But -"

"I have to go." He leans forward to open the door, but I quickly grab his other arm.

"Shit, wait. What happened? You've done nothin' but nag about school before."

He turns around and the next thing I know he starts yelling in my face. "I lied to you, okay? I lied a lot!"

I drop his arm, stunned by his outburst. But just like that, his hard face crumbles. He doesn't cry, just drags a hand over his eyes over and over, knotting the other one into a fist in his lap. The silence is almost palpable, until he breaks it with a whisper.

"I screwed up."

I don't know what to say. I open my mouth and close it a couple of times, before resting my hands on the steering wheel and trying again.

"Want to, uh, drive somewhere?"

"Fine. Whatever."

I back out onto the street, glancing at him now and then. He's quiet the whole time, slumping inside his jacket. I don't know where he wants to go, and since he doesn't say anything to hint it, I decide to drive home. It's like he doesn't even notices until I park on the driveway, and then his eyes narrow a bit as he finally raises his gaze and looks out through the windscreen.

"Your house?"

"Yeah. No one's home."

I walk out of the car and he follows. Inside we take off our jackets before I gesture to the couch, and he drops down, glancing around the living room. I light some lamps before going to the bathroom to take a leak. When I come back, Eddie stands staring at the pictures of my parents on the shelf; their wedding photo and the one with all of us together; Mom and Dad, me, Darry and Soda. He quickly moves away when he sees that I'm coming, sitting down again.

"You got a beer?"

I nod, going to get one for him. I hesitate just a second before grabbing one for myself, too, thinking my promise this morning can't count for just one bottle. It's not like I'm going to get drunk or anything.

I still feel bad about it when I sit down in the recliner, so first I only take a sip while Eddie downs his in one, long drag.

"You live here with your brothers?" He places the empty bottle on the coffee table, dragging his sleeve over his mouth. "Where are they?"

"At work."

"And your folks are dead, right?"

"Yeah, I told you about that. They were in a car crash when I was thirteen." I blink, staring at the bottle I'm holding balanced on my leg. It's so quiet I wish I had put on the radio. And yeah, I wish more things but I try to put them aside because this isn't about me. This is not something I should feel an urge to flee from. Maybe it will be good for me to focus on someone else's problems for a while, and stop being selfish.

I lift the bottle again, taking another sip. It's cold and good.

"So... you lied about wanting to go to college?" I say as I lower it, and he winces. The tough guy he tried to play before is gone now, but even if he looks a lot younger suddenly, a hunted look remains in his eyes.

"No." He crosses his arms, bends his head. "I just can't go."

"Why?"

"'Cause I don't have any place to stay."

"You can live in a dorm, you know."

"I ain't talkin' about that. I'm talkin' about now." He leans forward, with his elbows on his knees and hides his face in his hands. "I can't stay at my aunts."

I frown, trying to remember what he has told me about her before. I know he doesn't like her, and that he said she would kick him out if he doesn't do good in school. That's about all I know, but somehow I have a feeling this is because of something other than grades.

"How come?"

"I just can't stay there. Her husband is a fuckin' moron." He sniffs once, but as he sits up again, his eyes are dry. "He wanted me out so I left."

Once again I fumble for something to say. I can't really believe what he's telling me. I do believe it but it feels strange, because shit... does it mean he's homeless? He said his parents left.

"I didn't know she has a husband," I finally manage, cursing inwards for not coming up with something better.

He smiles sarcastically. "You didn't know they have four kids either."

I bite back a comment about that. It's not like I have told him everything about my life, so I shouldn't talk.

"They just threw you out?" I ask instead.

"Three days ago," he says quietly.

"Where are you stayin' now?"

He makes a little grimace. "Just around."

It's obvious he doesn't want to tell, and I don't push it. I know how it's like wanting to keep secrets. But I feel even worse now - all my problems fade to nothing. What am I even complaining about? Why am I so scared of talking to Darry? He would never do something like that to me, he does the opposite and always has, leaving our front door open to all strays needing a couch to sleep on. At least he did, before the foster care thing happened. But he would never tell me to leave, no matter what I decide to do. Even if I don't go to college.

"You can stay here for a while," I say. "My brothers wouldn't care." I hope they wouldn't, anyway. But he shakes his head.

"No, it's all right. I have to go." He rises and walks to the door, grabbing his jacket. I rise too, my thoughts all jumbled, wanting to help but not knowing how. I have so little to offer.

"Are you just gonna let them do this? Maybe you can try and talk to them?"

He gives me a tired look, slowly shaking his head again. "You don't know anythin'," he says, opening the door and walking out.

xXx

I'm quiet at dinner, and Soda gives me pointed looks all the time. I know what he thinks is disturbing me, but he's wrong. My silence has nothing to do with Darry.

For some reason I can't stop thinking about Aidan. I don't like to think about him, so I almost never do - I have pushed him and the image of how he died far back in my mind, made sure I almost have forgotten all about it - but now I remember one thing he told me. About turning eighteen in foster care. For him it would mean freedom, that's what he said, but I wonder how true that had been.

And I think about myself again, if I hadn't had my brothers when our parents died. Would I have been shuffled around in the foster care system from a year earlier, up until this summer? Or would I have run away long before that, to manage on my own? How do you even do that? Even when my world was an earthquake, I always knew I had one stable place I could return to, that was my goal, what kept me up and alive. That I had a real home.

Aidan had his car and his dreams. What does Eddie have? He has told me too little about his life I don't know anything about it. But I know one thing; he's eighteen now, and that means no one will help him, if his family doesn't.

Not that I would ever call social services even if he was younger. I know what they can do.

"I'll do the dishes today," Soda says, waking me up from my thoughts. He rises and starts collecting our plates, looking at me expectantly. He doesn't give me any choice, does he? "You two go and relax or somethin'."

Or something. I sigh as I rise, leaving the kitchen without a word. I feel insecure again, despite my thoughts when Eddie was here. Even if Darry won't kick me out, it doesn't mean things won't be awkward. Doesn't mean he won't get mad and stay like that for a long time. He's stubborn like me.

I hear him talking to Soda, then the sound of running water, and he steps out into the living room and sinks down in the recliner.

Looking up at me, he asks, "How was school?"

"Fine. Okay." I walk to sit down in the couch, placing my hands between my knees since they start to shake. I take a deep breath.

"What's wrong?" Darry asks, looking at me closer.

"I, uh... I have to talk to you." I bite my lip, and for the second time this day I wish I was drunk. Or at least had something, so I knew how to handle this. So I wouldn't care so much. The knot in my stomach which seems to always be there tightens even more, but I try to ignore it.

"Did something happen? Are you in trouble?" Darry sounds worried, leaning forward, and I quickly shake my head.

"No. It ain't that."

"What is it, then?"

Soda slams with the dishes in the kitchen, humming for himself, probably not hearing a word what we are saying. For a second I actually think about lying, or maybe telling him about Eddie instead, but then I sigh. I can't escape from this forever.

"It's about college."

"Okay."

"If I go, I will go here in Tulsa."

"If you go? Pony -"

"I haven't decided yet," I say fast. "And you know it's my decision. It's my life, Darry."

His face is like a stone when he looks at me. "We have talked about this before," he says strained.

"No. You have talked about it."

This time his voice comes out harsh. "With your grades it would be a waste if you don't continue with school. Don't you see you have a chance to do something with your life?"

"I can do that here in Tulsa."

"You don't have the same options here!"

I squeeze my eyes shut for a while, but then I open them again.

"The only option I want is to stay with you and Soda." I force myself to meet his gaze, even if I'm a bit scared of what I will find there. But maybe he sees something in my face, or hear something in my voice, because he suddenly sits like frozen. "Darry, I can't... I can't move again. Don't make me move. Please."

So sorry for the long wait! I hope you liked the chapter, thank you so much for reading and please let me know what you think :)