Kurt found himself checking his phone again. Two weeks. Two whole weeks of nothing. No calls from Sebastian, not that he expected it. However, he thought Nick or Jeff would have given him a call at least. Even to just say that Sebastian was doing okay. He had to call. He would, eventually. He and Blaine were not going to let an opportunity like this escape so easily. They would spend a day shopping for additions to their spring wardrobes only to skip right over the Marc Jacobs in favor of Vera Bradley diaper bags. Rings and watches were passed up to awe over stuffed animals and sippy cups. It was purely infectious. It was a drug. Now if only the dealer would give them a call.
"What if he never calls us?" Blaine would ask. "What even gives us the right to take over his illness like this?"
"Look, we need a baby and Sebastian needs someone to look after Bassy. It's a win-win. And he won't even remember anything that happens. What's the harm?"
"Yea, but isn't that his mother's job? We can't just take advantage like this." Blaine reasoned.
Before Kurt could even open his mouth, he could start to feel urgent vibrations coming from his back pocket. He pulled out his phone and glanced at the caller ID, his heart leaping into his throat when he saw Jeff's name. It took himself several times before he could actually get his thumb to press the answer button and practically smashed his phone up to his ear. "Hello?"
"Hey, Kurt." Jeff said, and in the background Kurt could hear someone talking frantically.
"What's wrong? I can hear Nick in the background." Kurt stated. His grip tightened on the phone. Could this be it?
"I know that you and Blaine probably want to get started on your winter break and go on dates or whatever, but we kind of have an emergency." Jeff told him. "We just left to get some coffee and we came back and it smelled really bad and Sebastian was on the floor with a his fingers in his mouth and Nick took him into the bathroom because there was shit all over his pants and he left to get some gloves and stuff but Sebastian locked himself inside and I don't know how to get him out!"
"Okay, just take a deep breath. You take French, can't you talk to him?" Kurt asked.
"I'm not very good and I tried but he won't respond." Jeff answered. "We tried calling the nurse but she's not there can you please just come? And hurry?"
"Uh, yea, okay. We'll be there as soon as we can." Kurt told him, struggling to keep the thrill out of his voice. He hung up and turned to Blaine with an ecstatic grin. "I told you!"
"Bèbè! S'il te plait!" Jeff as begging as Kurt and Blaine stepped into the room. Nick was still scrubbing away that a floor that was practically sparkling with cleanliness and Jeff was slumped against the door.
"What's going on?" Blaine asked.
"What's going on?" Nick's head snapped up. "Sebastian took a shit on the floor! That's what's going on!"
"It's not his fault. You know that!" Jeff tried to reason. "Bassy isn't potty trained."
The couple exchanged a look and Kurt removed his coat, setting it on the bed with his bag. "Blaine? Why don't you get one of those diapers from the drawer that Sebastian stuffed everything in?" He suggested as he calmly made his way over to the bathroom. He could hear muffled bawls emanating from inside and felt a pang of pity for the kid. Sitting in a pile of poop could not be comfortable.
"He's been in there for like, an hour now!" Jeff moaned. "Our bathroom is destroyed."
"Shhh, just calm down, Jeff. We can fix this." Kurt tested the doorknob and found it locked. "Do you guys have a bathroom key?"
"Yea, but we don't know where it is." Jeff said.
"Try to find it while I try talking Bassy into opening up." Kurt instructed. While the blond scurried off to search for the key, Kurt made himself comfortable in front of the door and gently knocked on it. "Bassy?" Inside, the bawling continued.
"Bassy, je suis ici. Ouvrez la porte, pouisson." Kurt instructed with a soothing voice. "Je voudrais te voir. The crying lessened a little bit and Kurt smiled. "Bèbè? C'est moi, papa." He cooed. It wasn't like Sebastian would remember. What was the harm in establishing himself as daddy?
"Le caca." Bassy whimpered softly before going into another round of tears.
"Je sais, mon ange." The brunet crooned. "Je veux t'aider. Est-ce que tu ouvriras la porte?"
"Je veux ma maman." Bassy simpered in reply.
"Have you found the key yet?" Kurt whispered.
"No, but Nick says he remembers seeing it in the desk." Jeff replied as he tore out drawers.
"Keep looking." He turned back to the door. "Est-ce que tu veux un change?"
"Oui." Came the tiny reply.
"Ouvrez la porte, alors je peux te donner un change." Kurt soothed. There was silence and then the sound of somebody jiggling the doorknob.
"Mmm, peux pas." Bassy stated. His voice was raw and scratchy from all of the crying he had done.
Kurt let out a small groan. How long had it been? Five, ten, fifteen minutes? For all he knew, an hour could have passed.
"Found it!" Jeff exclaimed, making both Nick and Blaine jump in surprise. He held the key over his head as if it was a sword he had pulled from a rock and rushed over, unlocking the door.
"Oh thank God." Kurt sighed in relief. "Go get me some gloves and a lot of baby wipes."
He turned to face the door and took a deep breath, knowing that it would be the last nice scent he would have for a while. Slowly opening the door like a girl in a horror movie, Kurt was practically struck across the face with a horrible smell that made him want to throw up everything he had eaten since 2009. Sebastian was sitting on the pristine tiled floor that was now tainted with smears of brown that made Kurt grimace. "Blaine!" He called. "I'm going to need some help!" When the boy entered, he immediately began to gag at the smell and pressed his hand over his mouth and nose.
"Ugh, please tell me that's not what I think it is." Blaine breathed.
"Sorry." Kurt shrugged. "Help me get him in the tub." He stepped around Sebastian, mindful of the mess on the floor and seized him from under his arms. "Grab his feet." On the count of three, the boys transferred him into the bathtub and Kurt poked his head out of the bathroom. "Would you so very much mind getting the floor in here too?" He asked hopefully.
Nick, who had finally finished scrubbing away the filth from their nice hardwood flooring huffed and stood up, grabbing the Clorox wipes and disinfectant. "Why not?"
"Thank you!" Kurt said sweetly. "Jeff? You have those wipes?"
"I found some in the supply closet down the hall." Jeff panted, tossing the package to Kurt.
"Thanks. You guys are the best." The countertenor beamed and once Nick had cleaned the bathroom floor, Kurt and Blaine tugged on some latex gloves with a rubbery snap.
"Should we even try to salvage his boxers?" Blaine asked, inspecting the shit-matted fabric.
"Depends. Are they expensive?" Kurt asked.
Blaine shrugged and gingerly pulled back the waistband. "Hanes."
"Get them out of my sight." Kurt replied easily.
Together, they tugged off the disgusting fabric and dropped it in the trash. His shirt, which still had a fighting chance, was dropped into a plastic bag and tied up. Now that the boy was butt naked, Kurt grabbed the shower head and aimed it at the mess that dominated a large portion of Sebastian's groin thighs, and even lower torso. They turned the water on full blast, spraying off as many chunks of the foul waste as they could and grimacing as it slipped down the drain. Once most of it was gone, or at least what they could get off with water pressure alone, the couple pulled out the baby wipes and tackled his skin. They scrubbed at his thighs and his backside, getting into every nook and cranny. What Bassy would not allow, however, was any access to his groin. Every time one of the boys attempted to wipe or scrub at the area, he would whine and their hands away.
"Bassy, nous avons besoin de te laver." Kurt told him, getting a bit exasperated after their seventh or eighth attempt.
"Non!" Bassy whined. "Non zizi."
"It'll only take a second, bud." Blaine said, not that Bassy even understood him.
"Il faut." Kurt told him firmly.
Bassy whined again but after earning a stern look from Kurt, he reluctantly opened his legs and let Blaine scrub the area clean.
"There." Kurt nodded, surveying the freshly cleaned boy in satisfaction. Wiping down Sebastian's face and hands for good measure, he had Blaine lift him out of the tub while he went to prepare the diaper. Blaine entered the bedroom with Sebastian in his arms wrapped loosely in a towel. He set him gently on the bed and unwrapped the towel, accepting the task of lifting Sebastian's legs and hips up so that Kurt could slip a diaper underneath, pull it up through his legs and tape it at his sides.
"There." Kurt smiled in satisfaction as he removed the gaudy purple gloves. "All better."