Hello again readers, yayy you get another chapter in a decent amount of time ;)
Just want to say a massive thanks again for sticking with me, hopefully I can keep this pace up from now on
Reviews were a bit light on the ground last chapter, I really hope I didn't deter some of you with the wait! Hopefully a few more will read this chapter :) but a huge thankyou to those who did review: fyrebirdrises, kelmikmag, dancingintherayne, suze18 and OMJH1012 your lovely words mean so much!
And as always, a big thank-you to my amazing beta reader ct522
Enough from me, hope you enjoy the chapter (it's a bit more fluffy than the last!)
Happy Reading!
I don't know how long I sat in the study, phone still held up against my ear, but I only broke out of my trance at the sound of my front door opening and closing. On instinct I tensed, ears immediately trained to the sound of the footsteps slowly making their way through the house. It wasn't until I heard the second pair of footsteps, much lighter and clumsier, that I relaxed.
"Katniss," Sae called into the house as she made her way through to the kitchen. It must already be time for breakfast.
I opened my mouth to call back to her, but no sound came out. For some reason I could barely release my grip from the phone still placed against my ear. I let out a shaky breath before a small head popped around the corner of the door, grinning widely at me.
"I found her grandma." Sae's granddaughter announced before retreating away from the doorway. I hardly ever heard her speak, let alone managed to hold a conversation with her.
"Oh Katniss, there you are, I wasn't sure you were in." Sae walked into my line of vision, her eyes trained on me for a moment before she brought her hand to her mouth. "Sorry dear, I didn't realise you were on the phone." She babbled, quickly turning away from me.
I had to hold back the annoyed grumble which threatened to leave my lips. Why did it have to be such a big deal that I was managing to communicate with other people? I had to thank her for the interruption though, as it was the motivation I needed to slam the phone back down on the receiver.
"No, it's alright Sae. I had already finished before you came in." I tried to hide my embarrassment that I'd been caught.
"Oh, perfect timing then." She forced a small smile, eyes still darting between myself and the phone. I knew she was dying to ask who I had been speaking to, but Sae would never push those boundaries between us. "I know you said you didn't need me to come round every day anymore, but I found some lovely jam at the market - I thought I'd bring it round just in case."
"Someone's selling jam?" I asked quickly, I hadn't seen jars of sweet jam since the Capitol. District Twelve had never had adequate weather for the fruits needed for fresh jam. Of course, we had the occasional berries, but people never ventured out into the forest to collect them, and they'd always been much too bitter; with sugar being a commodity people didn't wish to waste.
"I found it quite exciting too." Sae chuckled, "she's just moved to the District. I think she's from District Seven. Her family sends her all these fresh fruits - crates filled with them." I'm surprised at first when she says the woman was originally from Seven. I'd have guessed Eleven, since they'd worked on their vast orchards for generations. But I couldn't help a small smile from growing on my face. It wasn't unsurprising that Seven; a district full of lush forest, would have the weather to grow fruit trees - and that meant people were starting to move away from the Capitol designed system of industries in each district. I even laughed a little, imagining if Johanna had stayed in Seven and suddenly found herself pruning fruit trees, although the image was bittersweet as the familiar pain of thinking about my friend kicked in.
"Why would she move here?" I asked all of a sudden. Twelve was basically being rebuilt from the ground, as far as I knew Seven had been relatively unscathed.
"She's recently completed her training as a Doctor. She was offered her own practice by the government if she moved here. Some kind of scheme they're setting up to help create equality between the districts."
"Oh," I replied lamely. The pain was starting to grow in my chest as thoughts of my mother joined the one's I'd had of Johanna. My mother had been our district's healer before. It had never been an official title, and I had assumed that had played a part in her moving to Four. But knowing she could've had such a huge opportunity given to her here, just heightened the blow of her leaving me.
Sae smiled at me sadly, as if suddenly realising the link between this new Doctor and my mother. "We better get this breakfast started, Lilly's been moaning she's hungry all morning." Sae chuckled lowly, a fond smile forming on her lips absentmindedly at the thought of her granddaughter. "Will Peeta be joining us? I was hoping I could be cheeky and persuade him to rustle us up a batch of those lovely scones he makes to go with this jam." She smirked at me, but her smile soon fell when my face remained unchanged. "Oh, you haven't argued have you?"
"No, nothing like that." I slowly shook my head, finally letting myself feel the guilt for pushing away Peeta last night. Why was my go-to response always to ignore the people who wanted to help? "He knew I was planning to make a call this morning."
"We'll start without him then, he's probably already eaten." Sae quickly turned and pottered away towards the kitchen. "I'm sure you'll have some leftover bread around here somewhere, I swear that boy's on a mission to fatten us up." I could hear her muttering to herself as she walked into the other room. I couldn't help but let out a small chuckle under my breath as I heard her making her way around the kitchen, banging the cupboards as she went. She was nothing like my own mother, but she still had that maternal way about her that I knew I'd come to rely on more than I cared to admit.
We quickly ate our breakfast - which was over much sooner than I'd have hoped. Sae's chatter about town and the market had filled the house with sounds that I'd sorely missed while lying awake for hours the night before. Even Lilly, who was usually too busy playing with her toys at the table, managed to interject with a couple of sentences, although each of them involved Peeta and I couldn't help but frown at the young girl each time she looked at me for answers. Sae quickly excused herself and her granddaughter after we'd cleaned up the kitchen, and I soon found myself alone. It took all of ten minutes before the silence was too much, and I was in my hunting gear and heading to the woods.
I tried to avoid looking at Peeta's house, feeling a strange mix of emotions as I thought about how I hadn't seen him this morning. Of course I appreciated him giving me space, it was what I'd asked for. But it was so unlike him, I half expected him to burst through my front door, demanding to know if I'd rang Dr Aurelius. I didn't spend long in the woods, as thoughts of Peeta's behaviour and my conversation with Dr Aurelius refused to allow me to concentrate on my targets. I managed to hit a couple of squirrels, however the arrows had entered both of them at an angle through the chest instead of the eye - leaving little of the meat still intact. After examining my catches I'd stormed out of the woods in frustration, reluctantly carrying the mangled animals along with me. Even now I couldn't bring myself to waste meat. On the way back through the Victor's Village I allowed myself to look across at Peeta's house; I wasn't surprised to see no visible signs of him being home. He was probably in the kitchen or painting in one of his spare rooms, neither of which could be seen into from the front of the house. I resisted the temptation to go over, he deserved his own space as much as I did mine. I hated to disturb Peeta once he was in the middle of baking or painting.
Once I was back in my own house, the feeling of loneliness quickly settled in. I instantly began the laborious task of trying to skin and debone the mangled squirrels, the meat wasn't pretty by any standard - but no one would notice in a stew. Once I finally had the meat diced into manageable bites, I threw it into a pan with some vegetables and stock, leaving it on a low simmer. I tried to push past the niggling thought in my mind that I'd purposely portioned the meal so that it would be enough for at least two people. There was no guaranteeing Peeta would come round, but he hardly ever missed dinner.
I spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning myself up after my short hunt; I wasn't one to enjoy lathering myself in the scented lotions sent to me from the Capitol, but they always helped increase the duration of my shower to at least double the usual time. I then found myself puttering round the house, I even considered turning on the television but soon decided to stay away from that idea. I had heard from Peeta that Plutarch had become very influential in the television world, and I knew the programming from his hands would never appeal to myself. It wasn't long until my conversation with Dr Aurelius began to creep back up on me. Since Sae had arrived not long after the end of our conversation, I hadn't had the time to dwell on it. I tried to think of the last time I really sat down and talked to someone. Peeta and I used to talk all the time, I'd turned to him as a shoulder to rely on when we'd been in Thirteen. But now I didn't speak to him about any of my problems. It wasn't his fault, I just couldn't bear to burden him with my problems when he was doing so well. Then there was Haymitch, I refused to talk to him because he could always see straight through me, and that irritated me to no end. I tried to think of who a normal person would talk to; family was the first thing that came to my mind. Before the rebellion my family had been Prim, Gale, and my mother; and now I had none of them. Without realising what I was doing, I charged into the front room - heading straight for the pile of unopened letters. Could they really want to talk to me? After everything that happened? For a moment, I considered opening one, my fingers playing with the edges of the sealed paper, but I knew I couldn't do it. Not on my own. I shuffled them in my hands, studying the handwriting. My mother's and Gale's were instantly placed back on the table, but my eyes lingered over the letters from Johanna and Annie. I wanted to know how they were doing, I cared about them, but the images from my nightmare came back to haunt me - reminding me that their lives may not be perfect, and that would all be my own fault.
Somehow I managed to pass most of the day pacing through my house, and as the dark began to creep in I realised I would be on my own that night. I hadn't expected Sae to come back round, she was trying to give me more space to myself now that she deemed me stable enough to feed myself. But I'd convinced myself Peeta would come, he never stayed away for long. I had taken the stew off the stove hours ago, but refused to plate it up for myself. Suddenly the anger started to seep in. Peeta knew me better than anyone, and had always been able to read me. He knew today would be hard for me, yet I hadn't received so much as a phone call. Yes, I'd asked for space. But he should have known I'd need him afterwards. I could feel my face heating up as I glared at the pot of stew. I suddenly felt ridiculous for even making him any. When had Katniss Everdeen become this stay-at-home housewife who cooked for a man who didn't even show up?
In the heat of the moment I stormed over to the pot, picking it up for the stove and stormed out of the kitchen. As I walked towards the front door, the pile of letters in the front room caught my eye. I placed down the pot and snatched one up at random. If any night had been the night I would be up for reading one, it would have been tonight, and I would be sure to let Peeta know. I stuffed the letter in my pocket before picking up the pot again. My exit from the house was less than graceful as I forced my way through the front door, trying to balance the large pot in one hand while opening and shutting the door with the other. I half expected Haymitch to be on his porch, finding the sight highly amusing - and I was more than relieved when I glanced over at his house to find no such thing. I marched across the village, almost stumbling several times as my feet scuffed the floor. At that moment, I didn't care how deranged I looked, I was going to make my point.
I slowly made my way up Peeta's porch steps, finding it hard to navigate without being able to see my feet. It was shocking how much my temper affected my coordination. Many times Gale and I had made our way through the woods blindfolded to amuse ourselves, and I'd had no trouble then.
"Peeta!" I shouted as I banged repeatedly on his door. It wasn't long until I could hear movement from the other side, but I still persisted knocking as he walked towards the door.
He yanked the door open with such force I thought for a moment it might come off the hinges. I'd have found his expression hilarious; his eyes narrowed yet his jaw hanging wide open, if I hadn't been so annoyed.
"Katniss, what-" He started, but I cut him off, shoving the pot into his hands.
"Where the hell have you been all day?" I shouted, crossing my arms over my chest once they were free. "I even made you stew, but apparently you're too busy to see me." I spat.
Peeta shuffled the pot so he was easily carrying it in one hand, a move which instantly angered me further. Why was I the one all flustered, while he got to act as natural as ever? As I studied him, I noticed the paint marks on his hands, as well as a line running from his cheek down to his jaw. I frowned, Peeta never painted at night for pleasure - he found it harder with artificial light. The only time he did was when he was having trouble sleeping or a he'd had a hard day. Although I noticed it, I refused to acknowledge the fact he'd been painting - too worked up to offer Peeta an excuse out of the conversation.
"Katniss... I" Peeta stumbled over his words, his face flushing quickly as he tried to summon an explanation. "You said you needed space."
"I didn't mean all day." I cried, the exasperation clear in my voice. He knew I needed him, but I wasn't going to spell it out each time.
Peeta chuckled abruptly, making me glare at him. He thought this was funny? "How can you laugh?" I spat, it was so unlike him to be this blasé. "You knew talking to Dr Aurelius would be hard for me."
"You're impossible sometimes." He shook his head at me. "Don't you think I'd have been straight over if I thought you needed me? I caught Sae coming out of your house this morning and asked her how you were doing. " Peeta eyed me , his eyebrows slightly raised as a smug smile threatened to appear on his lips. Of course he was always one step ahead of me. "She said you'd spoken to Dr Aurelius and you seemed fine after the conversation. I then saw you leave for the woods ten minutes later."
"But I needed to talk to you." I retorted, my voice much weaker than it had been before.
Peeta shook his head again, sighing loudly as he did so. "Come in Katniss, there's no point having this conversation on the doorstep." He stepped back from the doorway, but I refused to move.
"No," I sounded like a stubborn child, but I didn't care. "I didn't come round to talk to you, I just wanted you to know I was annoyed."
The smirk finally broke out on Peeta's face. "Katniss, you're coming in and we're going to eat this stew. Stop being so difficult." He turned round, heading towards the kitchen, not even reacting when I stomped in after him - slamming the front door as I did so.
Peeta walked straight through to the kitchen, placing the pot on the hob over a low heat. His attention was fully dedicated to the stew as he continuously stirred it, letting the whole pan reheat. I simply took a seat at the table, glaring at the back of his head. If I hadn't been so hungry, I'd have demanded we continued the conversation straight away - but the smell of the stew filling the room as it warmed through was already making my stomach grumble. A few minutes later, Peeta was pouring the stew into two bowls before placing them onto the table - along with a small loaf of bread he must've baked during the day. He took the seat opposite me and wordlessly sliced us both a couple of pieces. I waited until he took his first mouthful of stew to begin mine, trying not to make it obvious that I was studying his reaction. The corners of his mouth instantly curled up into a smile as he chewed on the meat.
"Squirrel," he clarified once he'd swallowed. I nodded quickly. "It's really good."
"The meats a bit scraggy, but the taste's the same." I shrugged.
Peeta shook his head at me, "Don't be so modest." He laughed lightly. "You know squirrel's one of my favourite meats."
"I don't know why," I scoffed. We'd been to the Capitol and tried to prime cuts of meat they served on a daily basis, I never understood why he rated it so highly.
"Because it reminds me of you." He answered like it was the most obvious thing in the world. His eyes darted away from me as I looked up to him, although the smile was still clear on his lips.
"Where were you today?" I blurted out suddenly. My patience wearing thin as I waited for our previous conversation to continue. Peeta sighed loudly, sensing the peace had ended.
"Here." He stared at me and I raised my eyebrows. He knew that wasn't going to cut it. "Okay, I'm sorry I didn't come round Katniss. I thought I was doing the right thing."
I groaned loudly, dropping my spoon into my now empty bowl. "Look, I know I said I needed space. But I needed you. I kept staring at the door all day, thinking you were going to come through any second." I refused to acknowledge the bright red tint I was sure had adorned my cheeks by now. I hated being so honest about how I felt. "It was unlike you to stay away."
"I had a bad night last night." Peeta sighed, running a hand through his dishevelled hair. It was the first time I'd taken it in, and it looked like he hadn't even brushed it all day.
"Nightmares?" I asked tentatively. I instantly felt awful for making him leave. I knew I'd have a bad night on my own, but I didn't even stop to think about how being alone would affect Peeta.
"Kind of," he wrung his hands out in front of him, and suddenly it clicked. The reason why Peeta had stayed away all day, why he'd been painting after dark.
"You had an episode didn't you." I didn't mean for it to come out as an accusation, but the look in Peeta's eyes told me I'd hit the nail on the head. I quickly sprung up from my seat and moved round to his side of the table, crouching down so I was eye level with him. "Why didn't you tell me?" I sighed, my voice much softer. I reached both my hands up to cup his face, trying to ignore as he flinched away slightly from the contact.
"It wasn't a bad one. You had enough going on today." He dropped his eyes to his lap, suddenly refusing to make eye contact.
"Hey," I spoke sternly, using my hands, which were still placed either side of his face, to force Peeta to look at me. "I've told you before, I don't want you hiding your episodes from me. No matter how small or big they are. I want to help you."
"I don't want to force my problems onto you, Katniss. I can handle them."
I growled in annoyance, "And we both know I can help you with them. It's my fault to begin with."
Peeta's expression suddenly turned into a frown and he reached for me; hands wrapping around my waist as he pulled me into his lap. I didn't fight it, simply letting myself fall into his embrace as I entwined my hands together at the back of his neck.
"Don't you ever say that again. It was the Capitol, not you." His eyes bore into mine.
"But the only reason the Capitol took you-"
"No," Peeta cut off my argument, and I found myself falling into those familiar blue eyes as they wildly searched mine.
"Dr Aurelius said the same thing, about it not being my fault." I sighed. If only it were that easy to believe.
"Well, Dr Aurelius is a smart man." The edges of Peeta's lips threatened to turn up into a smile, but instead he busied himself playing with the end of my braid with one hand - the other still holding me securely on his lap. "What else did he say?" He asked after a moment. I could tell he was worried he'd overstepped the mark, even though I'd already told him I'd wanted to talk about it.
"He was saying I need to talk to people more," Peeta raised his eyebrows, it was a point he'd been making for weeks. But I refused to admit he'd been right. "And we spoke about a nightmare I had last night."
"What nightmare?" He asked quickly, both his arms were securely around me again, instinctively pulling me closer. I told Peeta about the nightmare, it took several prompts from him for me to be able to make it the whole way through, especially as I described what happened to him. I tried to hide that my hands had begun to shake by bringing them into my lap, and Peeta only held me tighter - he knew I hated to talk about my nightmares.
"You can't blame yourself for what happened to any of us." Peeta's lips brushed against my temple, and I leant into his touch - needing his comfort.
We stayed like that for a while, simply holding each other. I understood now why I needed to start talking to people about my problems, especially Peeta. It wasn't helping anyone keeping them bottled up.
My fingers absentmindedly began tracing along the lines of his scars. Following the lines as they ran up his neck, licking across his face slightly to just above one of his eyebrows. You could barely even notice them now, he'd been looking after them properly. But I could probably map out every scar on his body after I'd seen them the first time.
"Do you hate them?" He murmured. I pulled back slightly, frowning in confusion. "My scars." He explained. I suddenly dropped my hand, very conscious of what I'd been doing.
"Why would I hate them?" I asked softly.
"You said in your nightmare, you'd seen me without them first." His eyes looked conflicted as he glanced at me, and I recognised hurt within them. "The scars were the part of your dream you hated."
"Oh, no Peeta." I breathed, my hands came up to rest on his shoulders. "I don't hate your scars. I just feel responsible for them, if you'd never been in the rebellion..."
"Katniss," he growled. I stopped talking, knowing he would reprimand me for blaming myself. But to make sure he knew, I leant forward - brushing my lips along the line of the scar running across his eyebrow, until I followed the line down to his neck.
"They offered to remove them when I was in the Capitol." Peeta murmured after I'd pulled away, although I caught the hitch in his voice. I couldn't help the slight satisfaction that filled me, knowing even the lightest kisses affected him still.
"Why didn't you get them removed?" I asked, more out of curiosity.
He shrugged lightly, biting the inside of his lip before answering. "I don't really know, it just felt like I was erasing an important part of my past."
I nodded in understanding. I hated my scars, but they reminded me of what we'd fought for. It was a constant reminder that I was lucky to be alive, and I'd been given a second chance.
"I'm glad you didn't." Peeta looked at me, a slight air of surprise in his eyes, but slowly the corners of his lips turned into a smile. "You got most of them trying to save me, I'll never forget that."
Peeta opened his mouth to speak, but before he got chance to I place my lips on his. I didn't know what had spurred me to do it, usually I had to think about kissing him, it still wasn't as natural to me as it should be - but this felt right. As we both moved deeper into the kiss I let my hands explore the paths of his scars along his neck and shoulders, as far as my hands could slip under his shirt. They were part of him, everything that made up Peeta; my friend, my saviour, the boy that had fought through hell and back just to be with me. The boy I loved.
I could feel our breaths mingling as we parted, foreheads resting against each other. I panted for a moment, trying to catch my breath before the words slipped out effortlessly.
"I love you."
I wasn't even sure I'd said it, it had come out as easy as breathing. But the look on Peeta's face gave me the answer.
"You do?" He asked gently, his soft blue eyes gazing into mine, happiness seeping into them fully for the first time all night.
"Of course." I frowned. He knew I loved him, I'd told him before.
"It's just... you haven't said it since we came back to Twelve."
I froze, a crushing feeling flowing over me as I realised just how closed off I'd been. I hadn't even realised I hadn't said it - of course I loved him. He was the same boy he'd always been, but I'd been so worried he'd fallen out of love with me that I'd stuck up a barrier.
"I love you, Peeta." I confirmed, laughing lightly as the widest smile lit up his face. "Of course I love you, I never stopped."
Peeta's arms came around my, pulling my flush against his chest as he buried his head into my shoulder.
"You love me too, right?" I murmured. I felt his chuckled against my shoulder.
"Katniss, I loved you since I was five years old. That's not going to change anytime soon." He pulled back to look at me for a moment before he swooped in to steal another kiss.
"Can we make a promise?" I asked as he pulled away.
"What kind of promise?" The giddy smile never left his face, causing me to just smile back at him.
"That we won't hide from each other anymore, no more pushing away, or not telling each other things." He nodded eagerly, leaning forward to kiss my forehead. "I need you, and I don't plan to spend another night away from you." I murmured, glad that he couldn't see the blush exploding on my cheeks.
"I need you too." He sighed, his eyes flicked up to the clock on the wall before returning to me. "It's getting late." He pointed out, before effortlessly standing up, scooping me up in his arms. "I'm going to assume you're staying here tonight." He winked before carrying me the rest of the way to his room. For once I didn't feel anxious or awkward, I knew this was where I was meant to be.