Author's Notes 1: (Passes around the cheese platter) Sorry about the whine fest in my last chapter. It had just been one of those mornings…At any rate, I have to say that the readers on this board are much more generous with the reviews then other boards I've posted my stories on, so to my lovely reviewers, I give my heartfelt thanks. Now, on with the fun.
'Ironhide report,' Optimus Prime's voice commands through the communication link some time later, jolting Ironhide from his quiet musings.
'Situation…satisfactory', a very mellow Ironhide responds a few moments later.
'Ironhide, what is the matter with you?' Optimus demands worriedly. 'What is going on?'
'I'mm fine,' Ironhide assures him. 'She fed me earlier than usual. Guess she didn wanna forget with all of her friends here.'
'Where are Alex and her friends now?' Optimus questions.
'They're sittin' around next ta me,' Ironhide replies, sounding not the least bit concerned about this.
'What are they doing?' Optimus asks, having a sinking suspicion he knows why his weapons expert is acting oddly and he sends a private communication to Ratchet.
'Mmmostly they're just sittin' around,' Ironhide tells him. 'Willow's been doing most of the talkin'. She talks an awful lot, but she's got a nice voice. Oh, and they've sung a couple times. Something about circles inside of circles and then something about earth, air, fire and water. Wasn't really paying attention. Hope they're not practicin' for any thing 'cause they're slaggin' awful.'
'Ratchet here,' Ratchet suddenly states.
'Hey, Hatchet,' Ironhide happily greets. 'What's up?'
'What is with you?' Ratchet asks, confused by Ironhide's strange behavior.
'Alex fed him early,' Optimus tells the CMO.
'How many cubes did she give you?' Ratchet demands.
'Two and I feel gooood,' Ironhide nearly purrs.
'How far apart did she give them to you?' Ratchet questions worriedly.
'Few mminutes,' Ironhide tells him contentedly.
'Why in the Pit did she give you two that close together?' Ratchet nearly yells. 'She was told to give you only one unless it is cold out or she has driven you a lot and she is supposed to wait at least an hour between cubes!'
'I wouldn't start and she promised me two if I started,' Ironhide chuckles smugly.
'Have your logic processors gone offline?' Ratchet demands loudly. 'That's the most potent form of High Grade I could make. If the twins were here and they knew I had been making Energon this potent, they would fritz.'
'Whoa, Hatchet, is good,' Ironhide tries to assure Ratchet. 'We don't leave 'til tomorrow.'
'Oh, what I would not give to be there when she goes to start you in the morning,' Ratchet growls.
'I'll be fiiiine,' Ironhide states, thoroughly enjoying the feeling of the Energon in his systems and no longer paying attention to the humans.
'As the human's say, you will be eating those words,' Ratchet snarls. 'Now if you will excuse me, I need to go step up my production of Energon since she has used up one more cube than she should have.'
'Wonder what crawled up his tailpipe and died,' Ironhide snickers as soon as Ratchet disconnects.
'Ironhide…,' Optimus starts warningly.
'HEY! Whoa!' Ironhide suddenly interrupts in a panicky voice. 'No touching!'
'Ironhide, report!' Optimus demands. 'What is going on?'
'They're touching me!' Ironhide yells, quickly sending Optimus a visual of what's going on.
Thirteen men and women, including Alex, have surrounded the weapons specialist and are simply laying their hands on him while singing. If Optimus wasn't worried about how Ironhide might react in his current condition, the sight would be rather amusing.
'Get off!' Ironhide snarls and even though all he has is the comlink to go by, Optimus knows things are about to get ugly.
'IRONHIDE!' Optimus shouts before the mech can do anything foolish. 'STAND DOWN!'
'But…,' Ironhide tries to object.
'I said "STAND DOWN"!' Optimus repeats loudly. 'Is that understood!?'
'But…,' Ironhide starts again weakly.
'Do not reveal yourself unless the situation warrants it,' Optimus snarls. 'Them touching you is not a good enough reason to frighten all of those humans.'
'They're leaving fingerprints all over me,' Ironhide mutters.
'And I will let Ratchet leave something much more permanent on your aft if you so much as show one cannon to them,' Optimus warns angrily. 'Is that understood?'
'Yes, sir,' Ironhide grumbles, the effects of Energon not nearly as nice as before.
Optimus keeps the comlink open to make sure Ironhide obeys while sending a warning to Bumblebee to be ready to do damage control if the black mech decides to misbehave. Once he receives confirmation from the scout, Optimus turns his attention back to the group of humans that have his weapons specialist surrounded. After a couple of minutes, one of the women that's standing at Ironhide's tailgate asks some Lady to protect Ironhide so that he can bring Alex back to them safe and sound and then she leans over and kisses the Autobot emblem. The others follow suit and also bestow a kiss to that sacred symbol with Alex hesitantly being the last to do so before they return to their seats.
'They…they…,' Ironhide stammers.
'Did nothing that would warrant revealing what you really are,' Optimus finishes for him. 'I suggest you get some rest. You have a long day ahead of you and the amount of Energon you have consumed will make it seem even longer. Optimus Prime out.'
Optimus breaks the connection before Ironhide can so much as whimper and the black mech quietly grumbles to himself while he watches the humans. They're currently drinking from little paper cups and eating some type of food, though he can't be certain, it looks a lot like cookies that he's read about on the internet. They're talking fairly quietly amongst themselves and rather disconcertedly, he finds that they're talking about him.
"I've never known a car to be so warm," one of the men says.
"It's black and it's been sitting in the sun all day," Alex tells him. "But I've noticed that it continues to radiate heat for hours after the sun has gone down."
"What's that symbol on the tailgate mean?" asks one of the other women.
"Not a clue," Alex answers with a shrug. "I think it's some personal symbol of the person who designed the truck, but Tommy thinks it's something else. He thinks there some big government cover up on the truck. He's been trying to match the symbol all week on the internet, but he hasn't found anything yet. I doubt that he will either. That kid needs to get a hobby."
"He has one," another lady snickers. "It's driving you crazy with his conspiracy theories."
The others chuckle at this and even Alex smiles and nods in agreement.
"Well, he's going to have to find himself a new hobby as of tomorrow," Willow says with a smile of her own. "I remember how my sisters and I used to all drive each other nuts growing up. But now that we're all adults and living apart, we're the best of friends."
The conversation turns to siblings and the antics that they would pull as children and Ironhide loses interest. He turns his awareness to the surrounding area and belated realizes that the Energon has dampened his sensors. He forces them to work and sluggishly, they respond to his demands though his range has greatly been hampered. He detects another Cybertronian and it takes him several seconds to identify the mech.
'Ironhide to Bumblebee,' Ironhide calls grumpily. 'What the Pit are you doing here?'
'Following orders,' Bumblebee tells him casually and Ironhide just knows the pipsqueak is laughing at him.
'I should…,' Ironhide starts to growl.
'Get some rest,' Bumblebee finishes for him. 'I'll keep a watch over things until they're gone.'
'I can take care of myself,' Ironhide snarls.
'Prime's orders,' Bumblebee replies. 'You've taken care of me enough times, let me return the favor.'
The idea galls him, but Ironhide can feel the Energon shutting down his systems and exhaustion starts to take a hold of him. He fights off the effects of the stuff for a while, but eventually it wins and he's pulled into stasis while the humans continue to talk, blissfully unaware of what's going on.
He's pulled out of stasis by someone opening one of his rear doors and tossing something in. He tries not to moan as Alex slams the door shut and then goes to open the tailgate, climbing up into the bed so she can fold back the tarp she had placed there the night before. He barely bites back a groan as he realizes that it's still dark out and a check of the local time puts it as way too early in the morning for any decent being to be awake.
As his systems slow come back online he's aware of one major thing: he feels like he's in the slagging pit. He tries to slip back into stasis, but she's starting to load the last of the items into his bed and he can feel the buzz of the Energon cubes as she loads the crates and secures them in place. He nearly moans as the vibrations of the cubes sets every single one of his systems to aching.
He manages not to say a few choice curse words as she finishes climbing around in his bed to make sure everything is secure, the tarp is tied in place and then she hops out to slam the tailgate shut. He's nearly trembling in agony when she climbs up behind the wheel, straps something into the passenger seat and then puts her own seatbelt on. He gets a whole new definition of pain when she starts his engine and they start to roll over the uneven dirt.
He practically sighs with relief when his wheels finally touch pavement but the relief is short lived as they head out onto the road. He nearly growls when he sees a familiar yellow Camaro on the side of the road.
'Good morning,' Bumblebee cheerfully greets.
'Slag off,' Ironhide snarls and then closes the link.
He doesn't pay attention to where she's taking him, only concerned about trying to get his systems back up to running at optimal levels again. He hardly notices her filling his gas tank or going through a drive through to get her own breakfast as he tries to run a diagnostic on himself. While waiting for a light, she slips a CD into the stereo and he realizes a second later that his torment is only beginning.
With a loud bang of electric guitars and horns the music starts and he can't stop the shudder that runs through his chassis as the noise coming out of his speakers causes his auditory processors to nearly fry out. He barely manages not to whimper as the drums start up and he's fairly sure some of his processors are going to explode at any moment. Just when he thinks things can't get any worse, to his utter dismay, he finds out that he's so completely wrong.
Dear Primus, he silently groans. Who told this female she could sing?
Completely unaware of the agony she's causing, Alex happily sings along at the top of her voice to the song between bites of her breakfast as they pull onto the freeway.
He had thought that the glaring headlights of the cars going the other way had been bad, but then that blazing ball of pure visual receptor torture came over the mountains to the east and he's pretty sure that at any given moment his CPU is going to explode. The past several hours have been a living nightmare for the Autobot and he's on the verge of praying for Megatron to rise out of his watery grave and put him out of his misery. He's lost count how many CDs she's put in, but the latest one has her screeching about how she feels like a woman.
'Ratchet to Ironhide!' Ratchet calls at an obscenely loud volume.
'What the Pit do you want?' Ironhide growls, shuddering in displeasure and pain.
"Be good, truck," Alex tells him as pats his steering wheel. "We'll be there soon and then you'll get more of your Energizer juice."
'Dear Primus,' Ironhide groans. 'This female is trying to kill me.'
'Serves you right,' Ratchet chuckles evilly. 'How are you feeling this fine and beautiful morning?'
'Like I've been dragged through the Pit and back,' Ironhide grumbles. 'How do I make it stop hurting?'
'You do not,' Ratchet tells him gleefully. 'You get to suffer until your systems work the extra Energon out.
'You are one sick and twisted son of a glitch, you know that?' Ironhide snarls and Ratchet just laughs at him.
'You were warned that the Energon she would be given is stronger than what you are used to, but you insisted on tricking her into giving you two of them,' Ratchet gruffly tells him. 'You have no one to blame for your condition except for youself.'
'Fine,' Ironhide grumbles. 'Can you at least suggest a way to make her stop singing?'
'Not for all of the Energon in the universe,' Ratchet snickers. 'Have a nice trip. Ratchet out.'
Slaggerd, Ironhide snarls to himself as they continue on their journey, Alex blissfully unaware of the rather nasty thoughts going through the truck she's driving CPU.
"Um, Optimus, is there a reason Ratchet is humming 'Man, I feel like a woman'?" Mikaela softly asks.
"I have no idea, but I have my suspicions," Optimus quietly confesses as the two of them stand and watch while Ratchet organizes his medical bay, happily humming to himself.
"Should I be worried?" she inquires.
"Probably not," he assures her.
"Probably?" she nearly squeaks. "Bumblebee's warned me about Ratchet when he's in a good mood. It's almost as bad as when he's in a bad mood."
"Do not worry, Mikaela," he says, looking down at the small human. "You are not the reason for Ratchet's current mood. The one who is is too far away for any type of retribution."
"Ah, Mikaela," Ratchet happily greets when he notices the teenager. "Did the protective gear arrive?"
"Yeah, I've got 'em right here," she answers, holding up her bulging backpack. "How did you know what size to get me?"
"I scanned you and took your measurements from that," Ratchet replies as Optimus leaves the area.
"You know, if you were human and you did that, it would be totally creepy," she tells him.
"Did I do something wrong?" he asks.
"Don't worry about it," she says with a dismissive wave of the hand. "So what were you humming about?"
"Ah, that," he chuckles and he waves her closer. "Come here, I want to show you something."
He leads her over to a storage area behind his med bay that's located in the dead center of the building. There are several cubes filled with some type of glowing rainbow colored stuff that are nearly as tall as she is. She can see one of the cubes is only half full and there's a large hose attached to it that's hanging from the ceiling.
"What are these things?" she asks.
"This is Energon," he answers as he picks up one of the cubes. "We use them as an energy source."
"I thought you guys used gasoline," she says, a bit confused.
"We do, but we also use Energon," he responds. "There are certain elements in Energon that help us run more efficiently that we cannot get from gasoline and it is a much cleaner source of fuel. However, since we can't produce Energon in sufficient quantities yet, we are still dependent on human made fuel."
"Ok, but that doesn't explain why you were humming," she points out.
"True," he agrees as he walks over to a more human sized crate and opens it. "The reason I was humming was partially because of these."
"These just look like smaller, brighter versions of the bigger ones," she responds after looking in the crate.
"You're partially correct," he tells her as he carefully picks one up and puts in her hands. "One of these cubes is about the same as three of the big ones. I've been making these for Ironhide's trip up into the mountains and last night he managed to trick Alex into giving him two of these when his system didn't need it."
"So?" she says.
"Consuming too much Energon is like a human consuming too much alcohol," he states.
"So you guys can get drunk off of this stuff?" she asks, trying not to snicker at the mental image of a drunk Optimus Prime.
"Essentially, yes, and the aftereffects are about the same too," he answers and she quickly puts two and two together.
"So, Ironhide pretty much had six cubes of Energon last night and now he's driving to Northern California with a Megatron sized hangover?" she questions, an occasional snicker escaping her lips.
"That is correct," he chuckles. "And it could not have happened to a nicer mech."
Disclaimer: I don't the rights to 'Man, I feel like a woman'.
Author's Notes 2: Yes, as a couple of people have guessed, Alex is a Pagan, but her parents aren't, hence why they're behind the barn and for those worried that this might turn into a romance between Alex and Ironhide, there will be no interspecies romances in this story.