"To douchebags!" Dean said, raising his glass, gesturing towards Seth. "And to boys that break your heart," he bowed his head to Roman. His eyes lost focus. "And to the absolute fucking horror of losing your best friend because you were stupid enough to fall in love with him. Cheers!"
Dean, Seth, and Roman still managed to go for lunch. They didn't tell Seth about what happened and figured it'd be better to keep this from him for a while. So, they agreed to go for lunch, and tried their best to be cordial to each other. But it just wasn't the same, Seth could sense the tension between Dean and Roman but he knew better than to question them at the same time so he thought he'll talk to one of them later. Throughout their meal, they managed to have a few small conversations. Mostly it was just Seth and Dean talking, Roman would just nod along. They were acting cool, until Dean decided that maybe he needed a little bit more alcohol to forget about the occurrences of the day. Ultimately, a few too many bottles of Bourbon later, Dean felt like he should make a toast.
And that was his toast.
"To douchebags!" Dean said, raising his glass, gesturing towards Seth. "And to boys that break your heart," he bowed his head to Roman. His eyes lost focus. "And to the absolute fucking horror of losing your best friend because you were stupid enough to fall in love with him."
Roman looked up at Dean, finally making eye contact with him for the first time since their talk earlier. Well, he didn't see that coming.
"What the hell, man?", Seth asked, wondering as to where that came from.
"What?" Dean let out a little chuckle, "Did you really think I don't know about what's happening here?", Dean asked, pointing his finger towards Roman and Seth.
"What are you on about?", Seth was mildly confused.
"Cut it out, Seth. I know you have a little bit of a hand in all of this. Don't act like you don't know."
Oh, so that's what this is about. Seth never really told Dean about Roman confiding in him about the whole situation. He wasn't sure as to how Dean found out about it but he figured it probably wasn't that hard of a thing to guess.
Seth was about to respond but Roman interrupted, "Dean, don't put it on him, he was just trying to help. Don't take-", he was cut off by Dean. "No, no, no, you don't get to speak in this. It's between me and him."
"Yeah, actually, Ro, stay out of this. I want to see where this goes.", Seth said, staring right at Dean.
"Well, then I'm done here.", Roman sighed, getting up and picking up his jacket off the chair. He decided now that the facade is over, he'd much rather be somewhere else and have a moment to himself.
Dean let out another hollow chuckle, "Yeah sure, run away. Run away like you always do.", he said, looking into his glass and then downing the leftover liquid in one go.
Roman couldn't believe Dean was actually doing this right now, but he was not in the mood to create a scene unlike the other two so he ignored and quietly headed for the door.
Before he reached the door, Seth came up behind him. "Take the car keys, the house isn't that close."
"Nah, I'm not going to his house, I'll be somewhere else.", he wasn't sure where but he was sure as hell not going back to Dean's house until he's got his mind in the right place.
"You sure, bro?", Seth asked, keeping his hand on Roman's shoulder offering some sort of comfort.
Roman nodded, then turned away and left the pub.
Seth mentally prepped himself before going back to their table. He wasn't sure as to where this conversation would go but he could do it. Although a drunk Dean is a harder person to argue with than a sober Dean, but he was up for it.
"Hey, you're back. I thought you were running away with your buddy too,", Dean exclaimed when Seth came back to sit down across the table from him.
"Why... what are you doing?", Seth asked, struggling to form a proper question.
Dean leaned back into his chair and kept staring at Seth for a while, "You're an asshole, do you know that?"
"Dude, you ha-"
He was cut off by Dean.
"Nah, man," he waved his hand around motioning for Seth to stop, "You just answer my one question, and for once, cut the bullshit. What were you thinking?", Dean asked, as he leaned in.
There were so many things Seth could've said but he decided to go with the simplest of reasoning. "He really loves you.", he answered, softly.
Dean closed his eyes, and took a long breath, "Don't tell me that."
"If you want to live in denial, go ahead because I'm not with you on that."
Before Dean could reply, Seth shot him a question.
"Where were you after breakfast?"
Dean doesn't dignify that with an answer, just narrows his eyes.
"You know, I ask because Daniel called me around twelve wondering if you were with me. Said he tried to call you but your phone was switched off. Apparently he'd skipped out on you for breakfast at that cafe you like, and wanted to make up for it after he got off work." Seth notices how Dean closes his eyes momentarily when he mentions Daniel, "He left you hanging again?" Seth asks quietly, voice full of genuine concern.
Dean stares at the glass in front him, rather than looking at Seth who was staring at him intently, because he knew where this was going, and he doesn't want to hear it. "It's OK, though.", Dean finally manages to say.
"It's not," Seth says with a sigh.
"It's not. But it is what it is," Dean says, still looking down.
For the most part, Daniel is a great boyfriend. He's smitten by Dean and takes him out to some fancy dates. He has a snarky wit that rivals Dean's and he never backs down from an argument. The only problem is that well…Daniel sometimes forgets to meet up with him when he promises he will. He sometimes goes days or so without contacting Dean and then the next week he'll be sort of suffocating. Daniel is never possessive and really doesn't seem to care if Dean flirts around at clubs or parties. Maybe it's because Daniel knows that Dean will be going home with him at the end of the night. Maybe Dean wanted Daniel to feel a bit more possessive about him, you know, the way a normal boyfriend would.
They don't have to talk about that. They're fine.
Dean is shaken out of his thoughts, literally, when Seth slaps his shoulder.
"Well, if you weren't with Daniel, where were you after breakfast, then?" Seth asks. There's a knowing glint in his eye and Dean knows he's already figured it out.
Dean remembers throwing his phone on the couch after he got back home from breakfast this morning, then he headed up to Roman's room and well, they talked for a long time after which Dean just stayed in his room until Seth came to pick them up. Maybe Daniel called sometime during that. He wasn't sure, he never got around to checking his phone since then. But Dean wasn't about to confide in Seth right now and tell him about what happened between him an Roman, because he's pissed at him, well, at least he thinks he's supposed to be.
"It doesn't matter where I was. Just know that Roman and I are not happening.", Dean said, voice stern.
"You have to give it a shot." Seth said, almost sounding like he was pleading.
"What? Where's this even coming from? Are you not the same guy that told me to forget Roman and move on? Cut it out, man."
"I did, but that's before I knew what he felt for you. I also told you that maybe someday down the road, he would start developing feelings for you and at that time; you shouldn't let your heartbreak cloud your judgement. And that it depends on you whether you want to let him in or not. But I'll say it's good, you know, you moved on. But is it with someone better?", Seth asked.
"Daniel's a better guy.", Dean managed to say after a long silence.
Seth knew better than to believe that tone Dean was using. Sure, Seth first did think that Daniel's a good guy, but as time passed, he wasn't quite sure about that anymore.
"Okay, I'll believe that. But remind me, once again, who was the one who cancelled breakfast with me so he could give his ex-best friend company because he found him sitting at a cafe all alone", Seth said, making air quotes with his fingers for the term 'ex-best friend', "and why was that? Oh right, because his 'ex-best friend' just got stood up by his current lover for the umpteenth time.", Seth said, then pretended to think, "Actually, you know what? Your lover does sound like a top notch dude, solid guy, yep. Well done, Dean".
Dean is starting to regret bringing up this topic, he hates the way Seth knows what exactly happened, and as to what could be said that would break Dean's shield.
"That doesn't change anything.", he replied, voice low.
Seth could see Dean's resolve fading, it didn't matter whether it was because of the alcohol or the fact that he was trying to get his mind in order, Dean was quieter than earlier and Seth realized that this is the moment he could talk some sense into Dean.
"I know you think I'm going against you or whatever, but it's not like that. I love you to pieces, man. I'll always be here for you whether you want it or not. I've never seen you struggle so much with yourself as much as I've seen in the last few months. I want you to be happy. I will support you wholeheartedly through everything but only if you're sure about that decision."
"Then why are you behind Roman on this? Why can't you be supportive of Daniel if you're that worried about me?", Dean asked, feeling frustrated.
"Daniel doesn't seem like a sure decision to me, so I'm not going to back him up. You trying to move on seemed like a sure decision and I was more than happy to help you through it. But you have to remember that Roman and you are family for me, and I care about him as much. That's why when he came to my house way past midnight right after he met Daniel at yours, and started telling me about what he was feeling, I knew something was up. It was sadness, it was jealousy, he wasn't even sure what it was but at the end when I asked him why he felt that, he told me it was because he's in love with you."
Dean wasn't sure whether it was the alcohol taking a toll on him or if it was the fact that he was being given all this brand new information which he had no idea how to process but his mind was in a daze.
"That's when it happened?", it was all Dean managed to muster up.
"I saw him that night, Dean, it wasn't a choice, he just felt it. And I told him to tell you but then he decided it would be better to sort things out with Galina first, just to be fair to you. He waited weeks for her to come back, to see what's next for him, and then she asked him to choose. And without hesitation, he chose you; he was so sure of his love that he was willing to leave everything behind."
Dean's mind was going at a 100 miles per hour, there was a lump in his throat, his chest was burning, and he almost felt dizzy. This wasn't supposed to be happening. Seth shouldn't be defending Roman, no one should be defending Roman, he basically doesn't want anyone try and tell him that he is wrong in letting Roman go.
Dean was silent, so Seth decided to continue.
"And that's when I backed him up because when a guy leaves something he spent years building and working on just so he could pursue something else knowing it might not end well for him, knowing there is a chance that in the end, he might not have anything left; that's what being sure is to me. He was in love and he was ready to fight for it. That's all the confirmation I needed." Seth said, his voice sounded so genuine saying all of that and Dean hated it. He hates where this went.
"I am allowed to do this. Nothing dictates that I have to forgive him for breaking me in every way. It's not fair that he gets to crush me and I have to be the one to forgive and forget."
"But he never even knew you loved him. You never said that to him, your heartbreak was a consequence of falling in love with a married man. Him hurting you in that way was partially unintentional. But then he confessed his love to you and you threw it out. That was intentional. It's not the same.", Seth was well aware of how bad this sounded, but he knew it had to be said.
"No", Dean whispers, looking up to meet Seth's eyes, "I'm not doing it again. I'm done. Thanks for lunch". Dean took a deep breath, got up and was about to leave when Seth called him out, "Dean, just remember, this time is different. Please don't run away from something you love because it scares you."
It's a quiet car ride after Dean picks Daniel up from his flat the next day. There's nothing but the radio crooning out some music as Dean turns into the parking lot of the restaurant Daniel suggested they go for a little alone time. There's a strange air to the way that Daniel is carrying himself. He's taking way too many deep breaths and fidgeting with his fingers more than normal as he stares out the window. Dean could almost taste the awkwardness in the air.
"Ready to go?" Daniel asks, trying to keep his voice light and unaffected by the tense situation as Dean parks.
"Yeah," Dean says with a shrug, unfastening his seat belt.
Dean sighs and is about to get out of the car but Daniel reaches for his hand and pulls him back. He leans in and crashes his lips onto Dean's. Dean makes a startled noise in the back of his throat but returns the kiss. It's easy and familiar kissing Daniel. Daniel brings a hand up to Dean's cheek and softens the kiss before pulling back.
"What was that?" Dean sputters out, eyes wide, staring at Daniel.
"Just wanted to kiss you," Daniel says with a shrug.
"But you've been quiet and weird this whole time and now you want to kiss?" he asks, still trying to make sense of it all.
Daniel shrugs again and Dean has had enough with these noncommittal answers. Dean purses his lips and stares at him waiting for him to continue.
"Where were you yesterday?" Daniel asks, running a hand through his hair.
Dean's not sure how to answer this. He could lie and feel guilty, but he already feels guilty for not telling Daniel about the Roman situation and he doesn't need any more guilt, thanks. He could tell the truth and hope that Daniel doesn't push the subject.
He settles for a middle ground.
"Well, while I was waiting for you to show up, which you never did," Dean starts. Daniel has the good grace to look mildly ashamed. "Roman showed up at the cafe…," and let the lies begin, or continue, or whatever, "so we ended up talking for a while, had some food, and then he needed to run some errands and I left and then just drove around for a while and enjoyed some time by myself." Daniel rolled his eyes when he heard Roman's name, and Dean hates it. He hates everything that's happening.
Daniel watches his face for a while, as if trying to see if the tilt of his mouth or the crease by his eye was going to give him away. No luck there. Dean is an ace liar; he has perfected the skill through years of lying through his teeth to avoid getting in some serious trouble.
"Then why didn't you pick up my call when I called you later?", Daniel asked, making Dean groan internally. He sure as hell doesn't want to tell Daniel about what happened between him and Roman at home and as to why he was MIA, so, here come more lies.
"I told you, I was driving around and I needed some time to myself so I switched off my phone. I didn't need any disturbances.", Dean said, with a shrug.
"Deano, you know I don't like it when I can't reach you," Daniel says, finally.
"Yeah, and I don't like being stood up," Dean retorts, frustrated, stepping out of the car.
Dean hates to admit it but he flinched when he heard the nickname. Somehow it didn't sound right coming out of Daniel's mouth. It reminded him of the day they spent by the pool when Roman called him that and pushed on his bruises until it left Dean feeling all kind of things he didn't want to acknowledge.
Daniel sighs and follows him. When they reach the building, Daniel opens the door and Dean nods his thanks as he walks past him. The awkwardness is back, or it never really left, and Dean is not enjoying this. He thinks about how everything was fine before Roman decided to confess. He couldn't believe this was happening.
"I'm sorry I stood you up. I got caught up in a meeting that I couldn't get out of," Daniel tells him as they enter an elevator and he presses the number 14.
Dean leans against the back wall and watches the numbers steadily climb from 1 to 14. At floor 8 Daniel corners him in and peppers kisses all over his face. Dean wants to push him away but refrains. They've both been snappy this morning and Dean has tension holding his muscles together by a tight thread that's ready to snap, and he needs the distraction. He lets himself relax into the soft kisses Daniel places on his face and along his jaw and breathes in the familiar smell of the minty cologne Daniel always has on. Maybe Dean will start loving it at some point. Because although it's been a few months he still remembers that musky vanilla scent that used to surround him while he used to spend his nights with Roman on a bed in some hotel in God knows which city. He wasn't fond of it at first but then it grew on him, and now he can't get it out of his system.
NO, Dean mentally screamed at himself. I have such a good guy in front of me, why am I thinking about Roman? This isn't right.
Dean pushed Daniel away subtly as the elevator reached the 14th floor. They got out of the elevator and started walking towards the restaurant when Daniel intertwined his hands with Dean's. Dean wasn't sure anymore, he didn't know what was happening, why was this contact making him feel weird and comforted at the same time? Why was everything reminding him of Roman today? This hasn't happened to him in a while; he got over that phase weeks ago where everything used to remind him of Roman. But now that he finally decided to put an end to all that, this is coming back to haunt him.
Dean couldn't sleep that night. He kept tossing and turning but he couldn't get his mind to slow down. And that's how he found himself sitting on the cold tiles of his balcony overlooking the dim lights of the city. Sometimes when his world was falling apart he would just sit and watch the sun rise, or set, or the stars twinkle in the night sky. Here in the dead of night, with no prying eyes to watch him and read his thoughts, Dean lets himself think about Roman. Really think about Roman and what's going on. Let's himself think about the fact that Roman's hands still feel like sparks of fire every time they touch him, how his mind still turns to mush when Roman smiles, and the fact that this man gave up his life to be with him. But he doesn't take it as a weakness; Dean still remembers every sleepless night he spent screaming into his pillow in Roman's memory. How he just left dumping all the guilt on Dean. Left Dean all alone to suffer in silence. Roman made Dean lose faith and trust in his own heart.
Love is such a vile thing, Dean thought. It makes people so vulnerable. Taking away everything you stand for and leaving you with nothing more than a sad smile and a hurricane of bittersweet memories. He remembers how he hasn't done this in a while, because up until a few weeks ago, he would often find himself drowning in a sea of regret and sadness at around 4 AM, and after a long time today, he feels the same. He has been crushed and shattered by the same person, but he was sure that no matter what, he's never going back to that place again. Doesn't matter how much Roman loves him, it just didn't matter anymore. He was almost numb now. His heart had been torn apart so many times that it bared no resemblance to what it once had been.
He hadn't seen Roman since he left the restaurant yesterday, he wasn't even sure if Roman was in the house or not. He was worried as to where he was, but he was also glad he didn't have to see him.
Dean started thinking about how he was always afraid that when he would finally try to move on, Roman would maybe decide that he wants him, and Dean knew he won't be happy with anyone else knowing that. But it can't happen, can it? It's Roman. He doesn't want to hurt him. He can't. He won't. But maybe it's a little late for that. Well, Dean hasn't the kindest person to Roman lately. But he thinks it's fair for all the times Roman hurted him.
Or so he lets himself believe.
He wonders often what life would be like if they were together and as much as he would die for that, he remembers that it has killed him once and maybe that's why they can't be together anymore. They hurt each other way too much with what ended up to be love.
I fucking needed you and you left me and I should hate you but I know deep inside I don't and I fucking hate myself for that, Dean thought to himself.
But the one thing that kept popping up in his head the entire time was the last thing Seth told him the previous day.
Don't run away from something you love because it scares you.
A/N - Not the best chapter but I had to establish Dean's relationship with Daniel a bit more. Basically this chapter is focused on Dean, and the next chapter will focus primarily on Roman.
Hope you like it. Favorite, Review, Message me, just let me know. And a quick THANK YOU to all of you who are reading this story, liking it, and for taking the time to give me your response. I highly appreciate it. Thanks for reading!