A/N: Finally over the hurdle, the feelings are out there. Again a little into the mindset – I think all these feelings were there after the first games. Age and circumstances kept them buried. I poured over CF again and wrestled with the obvious struggle between feelings for Gale and Peeta, what's real, what's not. So again, I will try to explore the differences that may have appeared had she reached the conclusion to the mind and heart battles sooner. I am planning to deal with the remainder of the tour in this chapter and maybe one more to get us to the point of the Quarter Quell. Enjoy!
All credit for characters and story themes goes to SC.
A "Growing" Journey
I open my eyes and he's still there. Last night I spoke those three words that had eluded my lips my entire life. I have definitely never had the courage to say them to Peeta, afraid of the monumental damage they could do.
But last night, I spoke from the heart. Now in the pre-dawn hours, I watch him sleep. He looks so young when he's asleep. Peaceful even.
I made it through the night, or the remainder of it, without any nightmares. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I feel somewhat rested.
As I watch him, I wonder if I have had the same effect on him. What was it he once told me about his nightmares? My nightmares are mostly about losing you, and when I realize you are still here, I am fine again. I was floored by his nonchalant admission that my presence is the difference between restful nights and those of endless terror.
I may never truly understand what it is that I did to capture his heart. He has told me several times it was the way I looked when I was five, or the way I sang the valley song in school, or this or that, but I am still amazed that someone could love another person so deeply and never have spoken to them.
The warmth of the bed keeps me drawn in, so I snuggle a little closer to Peeta. When I look up at his face again, his eyes are wide open. Endless blue orbs of hope and love are staring back at me and his mouth forms into a soft smile.
"Good morning," he says. And it is a good morning. I know it won't be long before I am in a total state of panic, as I never get many moments of peace, but I will take this one.
I am still not completely sure what is happening in my life. I felt more emotions then I could comprehend when I uttered those simple words that held the weight of the world. I, forever, linked myself to Peeta with a simple admission.
The knock on my door signaled that play time was over. Effie's over-eager voice on the other side proclaiming our next big day filled with big plans helped motivate me to disentangle myself from Peeta's embrace.
Instantly, I was embarrassed at the thought of someone finding Peeta in my room. While everyone in Panem assumes we are insatiable lovers, it is not common place where I come from to invite a man into your bed.
I wasn't brought up that way. It never bothered me that I didn't date. I was too pre-occupied with survival to think about it, but upon returning from the games, my mother's instinct appeared when she reminded the gaggle of reporters that I was too young for a boyfriend.
What might be common place in the Capitol was certainly not acceptable in District 12. I guess the alarm splashed across my face in various shades of crimson gave me away and Peeta made some comment about how he would slip back to his room and let me get ready.
A gentleman. I thought to myself and smiled.
After a shower and a little more time to try and clear my thoughts, I walked to the dining car and found our entourage had assembled and were engaged in light chatter over breakfast.
I found a seat next to Peeta and smiled when I saw the tea sitting in front of me. "I thought you might like some this morning," he said.
It was in the little things that reminded me how much I didn't know about him. Sure I know the basics – he likes to paint, he can bake and decorate pastries and cakes, and he loves me.
Even to say it in my head causes some alarm and anxiety, yet makes my skin tingle with excitement.
We will be in District 10 by late afternoon and the process will begin anew. After the fiasco in District 11, we decided to stick to the approved script and schedule.
When we arrive in 10, we are ushered from the train to the Justice Building just as we were in District 11, although this time it didn't have the feel of being herded around like cattle.
Every person we passed on our short journey seemed to look at us with a certain excitement. It wasn't the same kind of excitement as if we were pieces to their scheduled entertainment, but as if they were looking at…heroes.
Being a victor in the games elevated you to some form of stardom, although I never felt it, this is what we were led to believe from the lessons in school. But this hero feeling wasn't one of admiration for a champion, but one of excitement for a spark.
Just as I had assumed in District 11, the energy here made it pretty clear that nothing a simple pair of teenagers from District 12 could do would squash down the energy level that had obviously been created.
It was at this moment that I feared for my family and the families of those that I loved. I wish there was some way I could communicate with them, just to know how they are doing. I just have to silently hope that they are free from harm.
I am beginning to wonder if the President will honor his thought process that keeping me alive was in the best interest because of the popularity factor in the Capitol.
It would be simple to engineer a tragic train accident, or some crazed lunatic taking me or both of us out. The nation would mourn and Snow would play it up with the best sympathy performance of all time.
"Are you alright?" asked Peeta. I snapped back to the present and nodded, but his grip on my hand tightened ever so slightly as if to say I don't really believe you.
After the ceremonial speeches, plaques, and flowers, we waved good-bye to the crowds and stepped back inside the Justice building. Dinner was large and over-the-top in my opinion, but I was hungry nonetheless, so I tried to relax and eat.
Peeta and I danced, often interrupted by girls and boys our age that are privileged enough to be in attendance, but we always kept our eyes on each other and quickly resumed our stuck next to you routine as soon as we could.
Back on the train, after tucking in a completely drunken Haymitch, we made our way to the couches in the commons area of the train.
Peeta came to sit down beside me and I immediately adjusted so I was leaning into the crook of his arm. Without saying a word, he tilted my chin upward and placed a warm soft kiss on my lips.
These kisses were so different from the hundreds we had in front of the crowds or the cameras. While I enjoyed each one, these were my favorite. These kisses weren't ordered by anyone and did nothing to help our cause.
Peeta didn't linger long and turned his attention to the replay of our ceremony being broadcast over and over on the television. I hadn't realized I was tired, but rather than give in to slumber and the possibility of wrenching nightmares, I sit up straighter and turned to Peeta.
"Tell me something I don't know," I said.
His puzzled look meant I wasn't clear. "About you, tell me something I don't know about you," I clarified.
"Hmm, well I am not sure. I am pretty simple really. I like to daydream," he said.
"What do you mean," I replied. I knew what daydreaming was, but really had no idea how that was an attribute of him. Didn't we all daydream at some point or another?
He continued, "Well, I think of how things could be if circumstances were different."
"Sometimes I will play out day by day, or months ahead of what I think my life would look like if certain factors were different then they really are," he said.
I still wasn't exactly sure what he meant, partly because I never thought of the future beyond our next meal. So I pried a little further. "Give me an example of something you would dream about in that way," I said.
I couldn't help but notice the deepened shade of red that was showing up in his ears and the tips of his cheek bones. He was embarrassed. But why, I wasn't sure.
Then it dawned on me before he spoke. His daydreams were probably about me. Of course they were. Not because I deserved that kind of focus and attention, but because he was Peeta and I was his object of affection for as long as he could remember.
This made me feel guilty and unsettled at the same time. The guilt was from the obvious pain I must have caused, never seeming to give him the time of day. Not even a smile that I could remember.
The unsettling feeling was made up of the fears I had of losing him, of him suddenly not being in my life. It was also made up of the lack of self-worth I felt. I wasn't worthy of someone's love. I had done nothing to deserve it and my upbringing taught me that you got nothing for free in this life.
"I used to think about what may have happened with you and me if I hadn't been so afraid to come to you after…" he said
I already know where his thought process is – the bread.
"Maybe it wouldn't have been so hard to get here and maybe you wouldn't be so skeptical of someone finding you desirable," He softly spoke.
It was like he was reading me like an open book. Was I this transparent? I thought girl's hearts and minds were supposed to be the place of dark mysteries that stumped the male species until the day of his death.
"I think everything had to happen the way it did. We may not have survived the games had we already been closer," I offered.
And it was true. Would I have been focused enough to survive in the games if he had been the center of my attention from the very beginning? Would we have been able to pull off the surprised star-crossed lovers act?
Of course Peeta would have. He can do anything, and charm his way into any heart. That starts my mind on a whirl-wind of thoughts and new fears. I have never really considered Peeta's affection for me to be anything other than 100% genuine.
But what if he was just manipulating me to satisfy some sick obsession. One look into his eyes again and the fear melted away almost instantly.
"We should probably get to bed," he said, breaking me out of my trance.
Walking down the hallway to our sleeping quarters, I became a little nervous. Would he want to sleep in my bed again? Did I want that, or was it too fast? While I was embarrassed and felt a little immoral about our sleeping arrangement last night, it wasn't really anything romantic, but more protective.
But with our feelings out there in the open air, it didn't feel right to ask him to sleep with me, regardless of the context.
So I turned to him and thanked him for a pleasant night. I kissed him briefly on the lips and said, "Good night."
After stepping out of my clothes, I catch site of my body in the mirror. Sure I have seen me more times than I can count, but I take a second glance and wonder if I posses any outward beauty. Does Peeta see me as a beautiful person on the outside? He has told me time and time again about loving my spirit and personality, and that is surely enough.
But the teenager in me wonders, even for just a brief moment, if there is another side to his affection. I know that I have noticed his muscular build and of course those soft blonde locks that fall sheepishly over his endless blue eyes.
I find my heart rate has picked up a little and I am flushed in my cheeks. This is definitely new I think, but quickly dismiss it and slip into my pajamas and into bed.
I am not sure why sleep won't come. Maybe it is my minds resistance to keep the nightmares at bay for as long as possible. But as I lay there, I swear I can hear soft footsteps outside my door ever so often.
After fighting the sleeplessness for two straight hours, I get up and walk to the door. I quietly open it and peer down the hallway in the direction of his room.
He is standing outside his door with his back to me and one hand running through his hair at the back of his head. When he turns, he seems surprised to see me looking at him.
"I hope I didn't wake you," he said.
"You didn't. I haven't been able to get to sleep," I replied. "What are you doing out here?" I asked.
"This is what I usually do. Just walk the hallways thinking," he answers. "It's my dreams…sometimes they can be really hard to deal with, so I have kind of developed a little insomnia," he said.
It was then that I remember what he said those dreams were about – me. Poor Peeta. His thoughts, during the day, are consumed with the what ifs and now at night the worry over me being gone.
I feel bad for him. Guilty at the thought of it being my fault. I am unsure how he will take this request, but I make it anyway. "Peeta, will you come and lay with me? Even if it's just until I fall asleep," I ask – somewhat timidly.
He walks toward me without saying a word and we go into my room. I tentatively climb into bed with him and it's different than last night. Last night, I was shaking with fear from the nightmare and really didn't even realize he was lying down with me.
But tonight, it is with perfect clarity, and I am nervous. But his gentleman's personality shines though and he simply offers me a warm, protective arm to lie in.
I put my head on his chest and listen to his heart beat and his breathing. A warm feeling of satisfaction comes over me when I sense the rhythmic breathing of a sleeping Peeta.
It is then that I feel like I have truly done something for him, maybe for the first time. It was as if my presence was a heavy dose of sleep-syrup.
I am relieved when my eye lids become heavier as well and again sleep with relatively no nightmares.
The next couple of days are much like the District 10 day. We travel, eat, get dressed up, dance, laugh, and repeat. District's nine, eight, seven, six and five are mostly uneventful aside from Haymitch finding new ways to embarrass us with his social drinking problem.
What I find over time, though, is the calming sense I have at being genuinely in love with Peeta. That calm is battling with something in my mind and I am not quite sure what it is. Something President Snow had told me when we met before the tour – convince me.
I am not sure why that plagues my thoughts with fear and uncertainty, but it is always there. I wish I could gage if we are helping calm the unrest in these districts. I have all but resolved in my mind that it doesn't matter, that it's out of my control.
But I am still secretly hoping I can accomplish this, seemingly, impossible feat for the sake of my family's safety.
Haymitch must be sensing the need to escalate our performance as well as he prods us to be more open with kisses and touching. I just scowl at him for that last comment, but try to steal more kisses and giggles with Peeta, especially when we are around our audience.
I even suggest that maybe we can stage a marriage proposal during some televised part of the tour. Haymitch likes the idea, but it seems to hit Peeta all wrong.
He just looks at me with a pitiful countenance and quietly agrees. "Sure, we could do something like that," he said.
Then without word, he gets up and walks toward his room. "Did I say something wrong," I ask Haymitch. Really not sure what I did.
"Maybe it was the suggestion of staging a proposal," he replied. "You have to understand that while you are warming up to him, he has already been there – for a while now," he said.
That confuses me even more. "I would have thought this is what he would want then," I said, somewhat sarcastically. "He does, but he wants it to be real," replied Haymitch.
Then the guilt is there again. I wish I could see the reaction before I open my mouth sometimes.
While I do love Peeta, I haven't really translated that into a lifelong commitment. One, I am only 16 years-old, and two, I have been resolved after watching my mother struggle with my father's death, to never allow myself to become that intertwined with another person.
Marriage just isn't in the cards for me. Even with my new-found love of Peeta, I guess I thought we might just date for the next few years or something. I am not really sure I even know what I thought.
He is the daydreamer. I am the survivor. My thought process is still stuck in the day to day mode.
I guess I still live with the idea that District 12 is a little bubble that isn't of any concern to the Capitol and somehow they would enjoy the excitement of the marriage proposal, but not care enough to see it through.
After a while of self-reflection, I get up to go to bed. I walk past my door and stand in front of Peeta's room. I need to talk to him, though I am not sure what I will say, but I feel like I owe him an explanation or an apology.
I knock softly on his door, but he doesn't answer. After a few minutes of this, I make my way back to my room and change for bed.
Again, sleep is eluding me tonight. The usual fears of nightmares about the games, but also the unsettling feelings from our conversation tonight.
Is it possible that Peeta really cares so deeply for me that he would want to marry me? I wonder at how much I have underestimated his affection. Wasn't it just yesterday that I was contemplating whether he was playing me?
After his reaction tonight, I think I can put that idea out of my head. This makes my heart ache a little. He doesn't deserve this kind of relationship, I think.
Peeta deserves someone that is able to reciprocate his love and admiration, and someone that truly treasures his selfless devotion.
At that thought process I find myself becoming a little angry. Not angry at Peeta, but angry with the imaginary person I just introduced into my thoughts. Jealousy would be a better description of this feeling.
I am shocked at myself for becoming jealous of someone that doesn't even exist. But the more I think about Peeta finding someone else, the more my heart aches and my soul seethes.
It's love. That can be the only explanation of why, just the mere thought of him not being mine, causes such a torrent of emotion.
It is then, that I begin to realize that I have already subconsciously put Peeta in my forever. He was there from the moment of the bread when I was 11 and that, which controls our universe, has put us back together at the right moments to emphasize that forever.
For the first time in my life I begin to think about the possibility of being someone's wife. It is foreign and I can't even really picture it, but somehow I know that I want Peeta to be a part of me forever.
Another thought invades my mind and I am back to fearing the damage I may have caused. I can't help myself; I speak, and then realize the impact. I have, once again, stirred the one fear that really grips Peeta – losing me.
I guess suggesting we stage a marriage proposal was enough to plant the idea that he could still lose me somewhere down the road. My heart aches again for the pain that I am sure I have caused.
How many times can I keep dashing his hopes before he shuts me out completely?
I silently wish for some way to convey my feelings for Peeta so that he sees just how much I need him and that I will always need him, but that I am slow in this process and afraid to completely give in to it.
Sleep just isn't coming tonight. I get up and make my way back to the dining car, order a cup of tea, and settle into the couch. It's dark and quiet, and I am alone with my tea and my thoughts.
"I'm sorry," he says and I nearly drop my tea as he startled me. Pretty stealthy I think, remembering the thunderous noise he made traipsing through the woods during the games.
"You don't have anything to be sorry for, if anything it should be me apologizing to you," I quietly reply.
Peeta takes the seat across from me and stares at his hands. "I just don't know how to keep my emotions in check when they concern you. I have dreamed of a life with you for as long as I have known you, and I just don't know the right things to say and…" he says, but I cut him off by reaching out and taking his hands.
"Peeta, I am scared. I am scared of letting go and taking you in completely, only to have you taken from me," I said.
"I have never given marriage a second thought…" I began, but paused. Then continued, "Until now."
He looked up at me and I went on, "I am trying to balance my hope that we can somehow convince everyone that what we did wasn't rebellious, that it was love. Balance that with the newfound feelings I have discovered for you."
"I am not capable, at least not right now, of thinking beyond tomorrow. It's just not me. I know certain things and have accepted them. I know that I love you. I know that I want you to be a part of my life. I don't know what I am capable of giving you, and it scares me," I tell him.
How can I convey that my fear is that I am dashing his hopes of happiness by being in his life and not being able to give him what he obviously wants – marriage, kids, a family?
"Katniss," he begins, "I don't know what you think I want right now. Honestly, I am not even sure what it is – completely either," he said.
"I felt my heart flood with joy when you told me you loved me, and I guess it inspired hope that with love, nothing could come between us. Sure I have daydreamed about marrying you and raising our children with you," he said and the thought of kids makes my skin crawl, but I try to suppress the facial expression.
"I want a life with you, a life that is forever. I guess I just over-reacted to the thought that you wanted to pretend that's what we wanted for the cameras," he said.
"That's what I am sorry for. I don't mean to over-react and I know that all of this is new to you; it's new to me as well. I am willing to do whatever you think may help keep our families safe," he finished.
"We can think about it then," I replied. Not sure what I should say anymore, an old habit of just getting to the end and shutting down was creeping up in me.
We just sat there in silence for a few more minutes and it felt like hours. I have no idea what he was thinking about, but was fully aware that my heart was still processing my last words we can think about it then.
Think about what? Was I thinking about the prospect of actually marrying this boy, or was it thinking about staging a proposal without any regard for it coming to fruition.
Then I am back to thinking about my life with Peeta, a life as his wife. Confusing, utterly confusing is the only way to describe it. I know that this will not be something I can resolve in one night, so I suggest we try to salvage some of the night and get up to go back to my room.
Without saying a word, as if we were both thinking the same thing, he follows me into my room and takes up, what could only be known as, his spot in my bed.
Sleep is quick, but the nightmares persist this night. I wake up to his soothing voice telling me it's alright, that he's here with me and it was just a dream.
Morning comes and we are approaching District 4. I was actually a little excited about this stop because I would see the ocean for the first time in my life.
Peeta told me how one of the tributes from District 4 had described the beauty of an ocean sunset and knowing that the colors of sunset orange were his favorite, I was a little excited for him as well.
There was no more mention of proposals either. Whether we were just both purposely avoided the subject, or that we were caught up in the beauty of the beach, neither one of us made mention of it.
I still wrestled with the feelings that had been conjured up surrounding our relationship and its future, but I kept all those thoughts to myself.
It wasn't until I was alone with Haymitch and he kept eyeing me that I finally opened up a little.
"What's bothering you now sweetheart?" he slurred between long drags on the flask in his hand.
Without really thinking about it, I told him how I was confused about the whole marriage proposal thing.
"It may go a long way to helping prove your case," he suggested. Then he continued, "But I am guessing that this is another one of those truth moments, huh?
Just the way he said the word truth stung a little, but I have long since given up on the idea that I could hide my true feelings from Haymitch. He reads me like an open book.
"Why didn't you ever settle down?" I asked him.
"Probably for the same reason you are afraid to think about doing it. Figured they can't hurt me by using the ones I love if I don't love anyone," he said. It was like I was talking to myself. Funny how alike we are. It's also probably the reason why we have this love-hate relationship.
"But if you are thinking about it, I will tell you this…you could do a lot worse than that boy," he added.
He is right. Peeta is pretty much the pinnacle of what any girl would want or need. Strong, carrying, compassionate, and selfless are all attributes that could have his picture next to them.
Our conversation is interrupted by Cinna, who announces it's time to get ready. I make my way to my room and lying before me on the bed is a beautiful orange dress. The material is a lightweight fabric and feels so soft on my skin.
When I have it on, I look in the mirror and know that Peeta is going to love this. It's his favorite color – sunset orange.
It is in that moment, standing there, that I realize that my first thought with regard to how I look or how I feel is how it will affect Peeta. He is my first thought about everything.
Growing – that is what this is, a growing passion for him. What started out as a ruse to survive has slowly continued to blossom into a heart that is opening for him and making room for him to…take up permanent residence?
When I see him standing by the doorway, I see his lips curve into a smile and his eyes take me in. Without thinking about it, I am spinning for his delight. As we join hands and prepare to walk out, I tell him, "I love you Peeta."
All eyes are on us, and I realize that it's the first time I have said those words in the presence of anyone other than just us. Haymitch gives me a slight smirk and we are on to the banquet.
The air in District four has a distinct smell of salt water. Not like the kind my mother would give us for sore throats or raw sores, but a warm comforting smell that instantly relaxes you.
After our speeches, and awards, we are eating and dancing, but I have an alternate plan brewing in my mind.
We mingle around the room until I have strategically steered us near the back exit. When another high energy song strikes up, I take the momentary excitement from the crowd as my opportunity to slip outside with Peeta in tow.
"Where are we going," he says.
"I want to see something, and I want to see it with you," I reply.
We walk across a wooden pathway with sand on each side until we are looking at the most expansive body of water our eyes have ever seen – the ocean.
Its perfect timing, as the sun has started to cool and the radiance of its light is beginning to dull toward that muted color that Peeta described.
Hand in hand we watch as it dips lower and lower, kissing the water and seemingly melting into the horizon. When half of the sun has been eclipsed by the water line, I turn to Peeta and take his face in my hands
Our eyes are locked on each other, searching for something, some sort of confirmation.
We both start toward one another and meet somewhere in the middle with our lips. This isn't like the other chaste kisses we have shared; this kiss has passion behind it.
As if the sun has transferred all its energy to us, we continue to explore each other's lips with a heated rush. Somewhere in the middle of this exchange, my mouth has parted slightly and I feel his tongue brush across my lips.
I allow this exploration and return the favor. The heat that welled up in my core during that one kiss in the cave has returned here and now.
But rather than back away, fearful of its meaning, I embrace it. I have never felt this way before, and subconsciously my hands have found Peeta's back and we are drawing each other impossibly closer.
Sometime during this moment we end up lying in the sand with me partially on top of Peeta's chest. The sound of a large crashing wave brings me back to the sense of reality and we break free of our kiss.
Peeta caresses my jaw line as we continue to stare into each other's eyes. The feeling of morality creeps back in and we sit back up starring out into the ocean.
The entire sky is blanketed in that sunset orange as the sun has disappeared from our view. With a smile I grab Peeta's hand and pull him to his feet. I have another idea now, and start toward the water.
Peeta gives me a weird look as if I am serious, and I answer that look with action. In a few steps we are ankle deep in the ocean, and in a few more, the waves are crashing against our waists.
It is in the silliness of all this that I get my answer about Peeta. The answer to the struggling question of whether I could ever marry him or not. That answer is…of course I could. Someday, I could see myself as his wife.
The shriek of an Effie Trinket signals that our ocean romp has been discovered and that we are sure to get a talking to.
Back on the train and in dry clothes, we make our way together toward the dining car where an obviously distraught Effie is glaring at us. Haymitch has begun the process of maintain his state of drunkenness, but smirks when he sees us.
"I know you are in love and it's natural to…well…," says Effie. She continues, "But it is very poor manners to just disappear like that!"
"Leave em' alone," pipes Haymitch. "Young love…does what young love does," he muses, almost to himself.
We apologize for being disrespectful, but the squeeze on my knee under the table underscores my own feelings. I wouldn't have changed it in any way.
When it's time for bed, I am a little uncomfortable. Not because I am afraid of Peeta escalating things, but because I am not sure I have complete control.
However, as we crawl into bed, I assume my place on Peeta's chest and he makes no further advances. With a small kiss on my forehead, his embrace warm and comforting, we drift off to sleep.
The last three stops on the tour are rather uneventful, however the last stop is looming ahead – the Capitol.
As we have gotten closer to the Capitol, the news reports have been abuzz about the festivities awaiting the insatiable star-crossed lovers from District 12. Whereas in past years, the news may have been about the victor marching triumphantly into the gala, all our press seems to be about love.
This is good I think as the stark reminder of the task at-hand comes to the forefront of my mind.
When we arrive in the Capitol we are interviewed by an endless stream of reporters and we silently giggle at the crazy fashion that has gripped this place. Everywhere I look, I see my mockingjay symbol.
The naivety of these people will never cease to amaze me. It must be driving Snow crazy. The symbol of the rebellious girl that sparked all the unrest in the districts is everywhere you look. Small victories I think and smile.
We are escorted back to our original quarters in the training building that we shared during our last stay in the Capitol.
Cinna takes me to my room and my prep team gets to work bathing, scrubbing, soaking, and prepping me for the party tonight.
We will do a live interview with Caesar and then go to the President's mansion for the party of all parties we are told.
When I emerge from my room, Peeta is nowhere to be found. After a few minutes he comes in the front door and I inquire as to his absence.
"I was asked for a personal interview," he said. "They will probably ask you to do one by yourself too," he finished.
Within a half hour we are seated on the love-seat style couch in front of the cameras and the large crowd gathered for the interview.
Caesar inquires as to how the tour has been, and Peeta replies for the both of us while I just smile.
After endless questions about our new life together, Caesar cuts to the quick and asks us what the future holds for the nation's favorite couple.
Peeta looks at me with nervous eyes and then stands and tells Caesar that there is something that he needs to do if it's alright with him.
My heart begins to race as he slowly lowers himself to his good knee. The noise of the crowd gushing over this new unexpected turn of events fades away as I hold his gaze.
"Katniss, I have loved you since we were five years-old. I have prayed, hoped and dreamed about this moment for so long. You are the perfect piece to complete my life. No one could ever fit the way you do. I want to spend the rest of my life with you by my side…as my wife. Will you do me the honor and be my wife?" he says.
We hadn't discussed this since I first brought it up before we got to District 4. I hadn't really thought about it much since then either.
I looked into his eyes, as if I was searching his soul. I wasn't sure what I was looking for. Truth - that was it. Was this real? Was this Peeta asking me to spend the rest of my life with him?
I knew the answer. Just like I knew the truth when he said he loved me. I don't deserve this, I will surely do things that make it difficult to love me, but he doesn't care.
I give him the most sincere look I can, trying to communicate to him, so that he is not, in anyway, confused by my answer. "Yes," I almost whisper. "Yes, I will spend the rest of my life with you," I say with more confidence and volume.
The crowd erupts and Peeta produces a simple, yet beautiful diamond ring. I raise my eyebrows at him, personal interview huh? He simply nods and smiles. But his smile has more telling behind it. He believes me.
My moment of pure ecstasy is shattered when he walks out onto the stage. Instantly my skin becomes clammy and my grip on Peeta's hand tightens. President Snow wraps his arms around both of our shoulders and congratulates us on our engagement.
He then says something about throwing us a wedding in the Capitol and we simply smile. It is then that I wonder if we have been convincing and I give him a look that asks, how did we do? His unnoticeable shake of the head tells me we have not accomplished our goal.
I am crushed inside as the weight of what that could mean begins to eat at my heart. I am instantly worried for my mother and Prim. Gale, his family, Peeta's family. All in danger.
But what is different about this day, from any other day? We live in constant fear every day of our lives, so nothing new.
But it is the hidden meaning behind the mischievous grin on Snow's face that scares me to my core. Convince me. It pops out again in my mind and I am still unsure of its meaning.
The rest of the night is spent with endless congratulations, parties, music, dancing and food. When we make it back to the car and are on our way to the train, I take my first breath as an engaged woman.
I look at Peeta who is beaming with a joy that is too much for words. I am happy that I was able to bring this to him. Whatever part I played, I have managed to be a part of happiness for him and that makes me smile.
On the train, we lay facing each other and he smiles.
"I love you. I know that this wasn't expected and that you might still have doubts, but I am willing to wait as long as you need to be comfortable with the idea. Just knowing that you love me and are willing to pledge your life to me is more than I could have ever imagined," he says.
Although I know with the Capitol in the mix, my timeline may be dictated, it warms my heart to hear him express how much respect he has for my feelings and confidence. This is why I love him. This is why I will marry him one day.
I close my eyes and sleep is upon me quickly. My dreams mix with my nightmares, but I manage a decent night's sleep.
I am thankful for that. Who knows what type of hell we will face back home, having failed in our assigned task. So for tonight, I welcome a peaceful slumber and the comfort of lying in the arms of the man that I love.
A/N: Wow. That felt like it took an eternity to get through. I hope the length didn't bore you to death. This was a fun chapter to write. I am planning one more chapter to see how their world has changed in 12, and to see how they will react to the Quell announcement. The Gale angle will re-emerge, I think. It's easy to act one way when there isn't any pressure from the "past". Should be interesting! I think getting them to the Quell will suffice as an ending as their apparent love shines through more prominently from that point. I may do an add-on story that deals with the time in 13 as I think my Katniss would behave a little differently from the one depicted in MJ. I am also thinking through my own version of post MJ. Please review and give me feedback. Always welcome!