Episode 10

It's a wrap!

'What the hell?' said Arthur, running into the middle of the room and kneeling to pick up the precious stones in the middle of the dining room floor. 'These are from the Pendragon vault! Those guys might be hypnotists, but they're also thieves!'

He waved at his knights. 'Go and see if you can stop them at the gates. If not, get a posse together and we'll go looking for them. Who knows how much of my family's personal fortune they've stolen'.

'Right, Sire' said Gawain, and hurried outside with Galahad and some of the others, to see if they could catch the Leylands before they left the confines of the castle.

'I have to go' said Arthur to Gwen. 'This is my family's future at stake'.

'I know' said Gwen. 'You go. I'll take care of Uther for you'.

Arthur gave her a funny look, and Gwen frowned. 'Come on! What do you think I'm going to do? I'll make sure he doesn't get into any trouble'.

'Okay' he said, kissing her forehead. 'I'll see you when I get back'.

Morgana was standing staring at the Goddess Eris, trying to figure out what the hell was going on, when someone tapped her on the shoulder. It was Lancelot.

'Oh! Where have you been?' she asked him. 'Gwen's over there'.

'I'm not looking for Gwen' said Lancelot, training his seriously hot dark eyes on the king's ward. 'She no longer has feelings for me. I'm interested in someone else…'

Morgana was completely oblivious to the very obvious point he was trying to make. 'Well, if it's Camilla, she's with Merlin, now' she told him. 'And Eris is… well, you can see what's going on with her. I'm not entirely sure what it is, but she's been catatonic for the past ten minutes, so…'

'I'm not interested in Eris, you goose' said Lancelot, a corner of his mouth turning up in a charming smirk.

'Then who?' Morgana asked. 'This isn't exactly the best time, you know. Uther's lost his mind, Eris is buzzing like a mozzie sapper, the Leyland Brothers have taken off with God only knows how much of the king's personal fortune, and I'm suffering from the world's worst case ofchafing from this God damn chastity belt!'

Morgana's voice had risen a few notches over that last sentence, and now it was her that the entire room was staring at, not Eris, or Uther, who was busy counting the tiny little sparks that were erupting from the surface of the goddess's arms.

Lancelot laughed nervously, and glanced around the room. 'Um… you seem to have gotten everyone's attention there, Morgana'.

'You know what? I don't care' she announced. 'I've spent the past twenty odd years trapped in this thing, and I'm sick of it! I want out! I want to be normal! And for Christ's sake, I WANT A MAN TO MAKE LOVE TO ME!'

This was said with a petulant stamp of the foot, as if to drive the point home, not that the point needed any embellishment. Lancelot grabbed Morgana by the upper arm (as dozens of the kingdom's most eligible men volunteered their "services"), pulling her out of the room, where she wrenched out of his grip and glared at him.

'How dare you? I'm the king's ward! You can't just throw me over a shoulder and whisk me off to your cave, you know'.

Lancelot grinned, and fumbled in the pocket of his jacket. 'I think you'll change your mind when you see what I have, here' he said.

'What is that?'

He held out his hand, and opened his fingers. On his palm sat a gold key.

'Give you one guess what this opens?'

Morgana's jaw dropped. 'Shut the fuck up' she breathed. 'No way!'

'Yes way'.

'How did you find it?'

'Remember that old chest in your father's room; that he gave to Uther before he died – the one with his initials on the lid?'

Morgana nodded. 'What about it?'

'I went down to the basement when I heard that the Leylands had looted the place, and they'd left the door open. They also left whatever they couldn't take with them in a hurry. Including that chest. And in it, in a compartment under the lid, was this key. As soon as I saw it, I knew what it was for'.

Morgana looked up at the tall, dark, exotically handsome knight with a knowing smile. 'You know what?' she asked him. 'I'm rethinking the whole caveman thing'.

Lancelot grinned, widely. 'Are you sure, my lady? Might be a bumpy ride'.

'I don't care' she declared. 'It'll be worth it'.

With that, Lancelot scooped up the king's ward, throwing her over his shoulder in a fireman's hold, and headed up the stairs for Morgana's chambers!

The Leylands had undoubtedly left the scene the moment they realised the spotlight was no longer on them. Arthur led his troops to the city's gates, and gave orders for them to split up and search different areas of the surrounding fields and woods. He took his father's personal guards with him to search the area of the forest where they'd first come across the old, brightly coloured gypsy wagon the previous night.

'Lancelot says they've taken whatever they could carry' he told Gawain, Galahad and Percival. 'Which means that old gypsy caravan could be crammed with loot! If you come across them, put them under arrest, and send up a flare so I can find you'.

'Uh, Sir?' said Percival, the newest addition to the king's personal guard. 'What if they try to hypnotise us?'

Arthur rolled his eyes. 'They're not sorcerers, Percival, they're common thieves and confidence men. Okay, they know a few handy mind control tricks, but they need time to work those. They can't just click their fingers and have you under their spell'.

'But how do you know…'

'Let's go' ordered Arthur. 'Before those charlatans make off with the Pendragon family jewels'.

Gwen took the befuddled king gently by the arm. 'Sire' she said, 'Would you like to come and see the elephant?'

'Oh yes!' said Uther, excitedly. 'Elephants have big, long trunks. And long memories'.

'Yes, they do' said Gwen, feeling like she was talking to a toddler, not a grown man. 'And this one's extra special, because he's in your garden, and you get to stare at him for as long as you want…'

Merlin glanced around the room, looking for Camilla. After Arthur had confronted her about her boss, the poor girl had rushed off in tears. She probably thinks we blame her for all of this, Merlin thought. Which is silly, because Eris is the God, not Camilla!

He looked over at the Goddess, who was still standing in the one place like a neon coat rack, emitting sparks and a low humming noise. Merlin turned to Gaius. 'What should we do about her? I mean, we can't leave her like that'.

'She's attached to Uther' Gaius explained. 'At least, that's what I think has happened. She entered a part of his mind that has never been tampered with before, rather like a kind of parasite. Who knows what will happen to the both of them if she retreats? His body might not be able to cope with the stress without its host'.

'So… she's supposed to just stay like that, until she either dies, or he does?'

'I'll look into it' Gaius assured him. 'I'm not promising miracles, but I might be able to reverse what's been done, if I have the right spell, and materials'.

'But why would you want that?' Asked a random villager; a middle-aged, rotund female, who was standing close enough to Gaius to overhear their conversation. 'The King is a tyrant. He's held all of us in bondage for twenty years – ever since the Great Purge – and woe betide anyone who practices magic!'

'She's right, you know' said Villager No.2, a stout man with a reddish complexion. 'Why should we have to put up with his crap any longer, if he can stay in a child-like state, and be happy? We all know Arthur would make a far better king. That goes without saying. And the kingdom deserves a better king… a fairer king'.

'And Arthur's as fair as they come' joked a younger, albeit fatter, version of the first villager. Her friends tittered along with her, like a pack of lusty schoolgirls cooing over Robert Pattinson.

'The kingdom deserves magic' someone yelled from the back of the room.

'And lower taxes!' shouted someone else.

Gaius tried to get the villagers to pipe down, but they were obviously of a single mind about this. Before long, they were stomping their feet and chanting "Make Arthur King! Make Arthur King!"

'All right, all right' Gaius shouted. 'I'll speak to His majesty when he gets back from his mission! But for now, I think it's time you all went home, and got a good night's sleep. We may have a big day tomorrow – one of the biggest in recent history, if Arthur agrees to don the crown'.

That did it. A huge cheer went up as the townsfolk filed out of the palace doors, heading home with full bellies and high hopes of a new dawn, and an end to Uther's tyranny. Gwen headed out the back door to escort the confused royal back to his chambers, but found the king in a startling state of undress, pissing into the concrete fountain. She rushed back in and told Merlin, who promised to try to get Uther to put some clothes on and come back inside.

After he'd seen to Uther (which took some doing – the king wanted a bedtime story before he fell asleep) Merlin went to look for Camilla. He found her packing her bags in the room she'd shared with Eris.

'What are you doing?' he asked her, confused. 'I thought you and I…'

'Face it Merlin' she said, sadly, 'We're too different. I'm a pixie, I practice magic for a living, and if your physician manages to restore Eris and Uther to their former selves, and your king ever finds out I have magic, he'll kill me. This is not a safe place for me'.

'Do you think it's a safe place for me?' asked Merlin; then slapped a hand over his mouth. The only time he'd used his magic in the last week was to save Arthur and Uther from the dragon, and thankfully they hadn't figured out that it was him. He was almost too afraid to use his gift, afraid that one of the many strangers staying at the palace might find out his secret. He'd wanted to tell Camilla, but never quite got around to it. Until now.

'You've got magic, too, haven't you' she said, not looking surprised at all. 'Come with me, Merlin. Let's go away together. Leave this place. The minute Uther is back to his old self, you'll have to keep hiding who you really are! Do you honestly want that?'

'I don't have much choice' said Merlin, sadly. 'My destiny is tied to Arthur's. I have to stay here, to help him become king, and protect him'.

Camilla took Merlin by the hands, and stared up at him, her large blue eyes filling with tears. 'Then I fear it is goodbye' she said. 'Because I can no longer work for Eris. We had a fight in the dungeons and now it's all weird between us. If Gaius does manage to undo whatever has been done, life will not be worth living, as her subordinate. I must leave, and never come back'.

Merlin felt tears prick his eyes. 'Will I ever see you again?'

Camilla shook her head. 'I don't know. Maybe? In a few years' time, when all this has blown over…'

'A few years? So much could have changed by then' Merlin pleaded. 'Please, Camilla! Reconsider…'

'I can't' she said. 'I'm sorry'.

And the young warlock watched his new love leave the room, and the castle, for the last time.

The posse headed west, along the border of one of Britain's great lakes for twenty or so miles, but there was no sign of the gold, green and blue gypsy caravan, or of the devious Leyland Brothers. Arthur growled and thumped his thigh with his fist in frustration. 'They can't have just disappeared into thin air' he exclaimed. 'Where the hell are they?'

Suddenly a red flare lit up the night sky.

'It's Marcus' said Galahad. 'He had the red ones'.

'They've found them' Arthur stated, barely able to contain his relief. 'Let's go'.

They rode in the general direction of the flare until they came to a clearing by the side of the lake. The gypsy caravan was surrounded by a ten man posse of the king's strongest and best knights and guards. There was no sign of the brothers but it was a fair bet they were holed up inside.

'If you don't come out we're going to start hitting your caravan with all the artillery we've got' warned Arthur, in a loud, authoritative voice. 'So you might as well give up, now'.

'They're not there, you know'.

Arthur and his men turned toward the voice, but could see nothing. They glanced at each other, confused.

'I'm up here, losers'.

Arthur looked up. Dangling almost directly above his head was the Leyland's rebellious young daughter/niece, Beatrix. Before Arthur could warn her to be careful, she let go of the branch and dropped to the ground, landing on her feet like a cat.

'Wow' said Arthur. 'That was almost impressive'.

'Thanks' said Beatrix. 'I'm pretty flexible, too', she added, winking at him.

Arthur bit his lip and wished away a blush he knew was creeping up his neck and staining his cheeks. 'That's a little too much information' he told her, as he dismounted his horse. 'Enough of the innuendo, by the way. You're a kid, and I'm spoken for'.

'All right, all right' Beatrix groaned. 'I get the hint! But it's so much fun baiting you'.

'So where are they, then?' asked Galahad. 'Do you know where we can find them?'

'Maybe'.

'What do you mean, maybe?' asked Arthur, impatiently. 'Do you know, or don't you?'

'I'm not just going to give them up that easily' Beatrix said. 'I want something, first'.

Arthur rolled his eyes. 'You can have a horse, and all the hydroponically grown pot your little heart desires. Okay? Where are your father and uncle?'

'I've got all the pot I could want or need' she shrugged. 'But there is something I do want'.

'Spit it out' Arthur commanded. 'We don't have time for this. It's getting cold out'.

'A kiss' said Beatrix/Bella. 'From the future king of Come-a-lot'.

'You already got one of those' said Arthur, embarrassed. His fellow knights were busy making kissing noises and "woo-hooing" and generally acting like fourteen year old schoolboys. 'Remember? Front steps of the palace? Which, by the way, got me in a world of trouble with…'

'Gwen, I know' finished Beatrix. 'But we're not going to tell her, are we, guys? This is just for posterity. And for all those times I'm lying in bed thinking about you'. She grinned. 'You wouldn't deprive a girl of a harmless fantasy now, would you, Prince Arthur?'

Arthur sighed, turned and yelled at his troops to shut the hell up.

'All right' he said, with an air of resignation. 'Come here'.

'It has to be on the lips' she told him. 'Or I won't give you the time of day… sorry, night'.

'I can't believe I'm doing this again' Arthur muttered as he leaned in.

'Again? What do you mean, again? I'm the one who kissed you, last time' she reminded him. 'And you wiped your mouth right after, like I dirtied you up, or something! That was less than ideal, I can tell you'.

'I'm sorry' said Arthur. 'Do you want me to kiss you, or not?'

She grinned and puckered up.

'Close your eyes' said Arthur.

'No way. You could get your horse to lick my face, or something!'

'Never even crossed my mind' lied Arthur, suppressing a grin.

'Will you just get on with it? Have I got bad breath, or something?'

'Yeah, go on Sire' Galahad crowed. 'Kiss her'.

That started the whole bloody lot of them, chanting "Kiss her, kiss her, kiss her", so in order to get them to shut up, Arthur pulled the lanky girl into a tight, Gone With the Wind embrace, and gave her the best swoon-inducing, panty-creaming, heart-stopping snog he could muster, at a time like this anyway, with all his mates bearing witness. It was hugely embarrassing, but it had to be done. When he finally let go of her, the girl was so stunned you could knock her over with a feather.

'Acceptable?' Arthur asked, trying to ignore the pungent taste of marijuana in his mouth. What, did the girl chew the damn leaves, or something?

'Yes' said the girl, in a dreamy voice. 'Very acceptable'.

'Good… so where are they?'

To Arthur's dismay, the girl shrugged. 'I have no idea. I just jumped on the front of the wagon while they were setting up for the night's entertainment, and took off. Oh, I threw their bags out the door, let me tell you. Those two freaks can find their own way back to London – if that's where they're going. They could be anywhere'.

Arthur bristled, trying to control his irritation. 'So you're telling me, you don't know where they've got to, and you made me kiss you, for nothing?'

'That's about the size of it' the girl said, smirking. But when she saw the look on the prince's face, she scurried up the nearest tree with the agility of a squirrel, before he could lay a hand on her, to throttle her!

'Beatrix, get your butt down here before I come up there after you, and wring your scrawny little neck' Arthur hissed.

'Wait' the girl said, from her perch on the lowest branch, which was still too high for Arthur to reach without climbing up there, himself. 'Don't you want to know where all the loot is?'

'What?'

'They didn't take it with them, if that's what you want to know' she practically sang. 'It's in the caravan, doofus! All of it. Take it. Heck, take the caravan too, if you want'.

'What about you?' asked Arthur, as his men converged on the van to check if what she was saying was true. 'You're a kid, on your own. And you took off with your father's stolen treasure. If he finds you, he's not going to be a happy camper'.

'No shit, Sherlock' said Beatrix. 'That's why I'm not planning on being around much longer'.

'Where will you go?' Arthur asked. 'What will you do? You know, for food, and shelter…'

'I'll get by' she told him, confidently. 'And besides, I've always wanted to look up my mum, but Father never let me. He said she was a no-good whore, but then he was no prize either, so…' she shrugged. 'Guess she's the lesser of two evils… especially if he's mad enough to kill me, after this'.

'We could protect you' Arthur found himself saying. 'Come and stay at the palace for a while. We could find you a job… just so you can stand on your own two feet when you do decide to leave'.

She appeared to consider this. 'I don't know ', she said, finally. 'Can I think about it? I mean, if I decide to come back, will the offer still be open?'

'Absolutely' said Arthur. 'Anytime'. He knew Gwen wouldn't be thrilled with the idea of this little usurper living under the same roof as her man, but Gwen would just have to deal. Besides, Arthur thought, she ought to be happy if I slip a ring on her finger…

'Okay' said Beatrix. 'You're on. Can we go now?'

'Wait a minute'. Arthur turned to the van. 'Is it all in there?'

'Just about' said Galahad. 'They've taken your great aunt Tessie's gold tiara, though'.

'Oh, that ugly old thing? They can have it' said Arthur. 'How much is there? Enough to carry? Or will we have to tow the van back?'

Galahad surveyed the inside of the caravan and shook his head. 'I think we'll have to tow the van back. Jesus, they must have done a few trips back and forth, to collect all this'.

'You'll have to hitch one of your horses to the wagon, then', said Arthur. 'I don't trust this one…' he pointed a thumb over his shoulder at Beatrix, 'To ride it back to the palace on her own. She could take off, again'.

'Yes, Sire' said Galahad.

He turned to Beatrix. 'Well… we don't have a spare horse, so you'll have to ride the wagon with one of my men'.

'Oh, can't I ride with you?'

'Absolutely not'.

'Why not?'

'Because I said so, that's why'.

'That's not a good enough reason'.

'My Lord' Gawain interrupted, 'It's getting late, and cold. If we don't get the horses back to the stable, they'll freeze. We might, too'

Arthur sighed, and glanced down at Beatrix, who was hitting him with the best puppy-dog eyes she could muster. 'Please?'

He groaned and rolled his eyes. 'Oh, all right! Whatever! Get on'.

'Cool' she grinned, and pulled herself up onto his horse. It was a snug fit, with two people in the saddle. Which no doubt suited her just fine! She wound her arms around his waist, and he could feel her pressing herself against him, even through his chain mail. It was disturbing, but kind of flattering at the same time. He hoped he wouldn't end up regretting this!

'Hold on tight' he told her. 'Alright, men, let's move out'.

Gaius made his way down to his dungeon where he kept all the strongest, most potent ingredients for his spells, tinctures and potions. There has to be something in here that can undo the magic done on the king, he thought. Not that anyone seems to want him back to his old self…

He stopped in front of the large pantry and pondered one possible future for a moment. Without Uther, Come-a-lot could go back to the days before the Great Purge, when people didn't have to live in fear of being found out as witches or heretics. They could practice magic to their heart's content. And more importantly, Merlin would be safe.

That was the deciding factor. Gaius closed the door of his pantry and locked it.

'Sorry, my Lord' he said, aloud. 'But Merlin's life is more important than your sanity'.

He turned and headed down to his favourite basement cell. Frodo the hobbit was spread-eagled on the iron cot inside, naked but for the One Ring around his neck. He started to cower and tried to draw his knees up to protect himself, but the chains binding his feet didn't allow for much movement. Gaius let himself into the cell and approached the cute but terrified little Halfling.

'Thirsty?' he asked.

Frodo nodded. 'Yes'.

Gaius felt the old hunger bite at him, the familiar old fever that made him do terrible things to innocent people, just for the fun of it. Then he looked in the hobbit's big, pretty eyes, and remembered a time, not so long ago – in fact, just the other day – when he'd been given a dose of his own medicine. He knew what it was like to be at the mercy of another's evil (well, maybe not so evil, it was Merlin, after all) intentions. So instead of doing what he wanted to do (which we won't go into here, because it's far too explicit – not to mention, gross), he went into the next room and got the key to the chains, and let the boy go.

Gaius watched the young hobbit pull on his clothes frantically, and race out the cell before his captor could change his mind.

'Oh well, old chap' he said to himself. 'One day…' *sigh*, 'One day your prince will come'.

And he laughed at his little play on words.

Gwen felt the mattress behind her dip with extra weight, and suddenly Arthur's strong arms were around her. 'Did you find the Leylands?' she murmured, half asleep.

'No such luck. But we did find Beatrix. I mean, Bella'.

Gwen didn't reply. Uh-oh, Arthur thought.

'We couldn't just leave her out there, Gwen. She stole the loot from her father and uncle. They're going to be plenty angry, if or when they catch up with her'.

Gwen turned toward him. 'That's why I love you, you know? You care. Your father would have left her out there, to rot'.

'I know' said Arthur, thoughtfully. 'Do you think he'll ever be the same again?'

'I don't know' admitted Gwen. 'I'm not a physician, but Gaius says the prognosis isn't good. We ought to look at getting him long term care'.

'What, stick him in Broadmoor?' Arthur asked. 'I don't know if I could do that'.

'We'll see' Gwen assured him. 'I do know one thing. Eris is headed for a padded cell and a 24 hour Thorazine drip. She hasn't stopped buzzing, and she's still catatonic! I wonder what did that to her?'

'Who knows' said Arthur, slipping a hand down beneath the sheets, until Gwen gasped and giggled. 'Arthur! We're trying to have a serious conversation, here!'

'Not anymore' Arthur laughed. 'Time for seriousness is tomorrow. For now, the new King of Come-a-lot's going to do something the old king never did – or at least, not to my knowledge, thank god for that'.

'Oh? What's that?'

'Thank one of his servants for her loyal service' said Arthur, before diving under the covers…

THE END

Epilogue

So all's well that ends well in the kingdom of Come-a-lot. The people have a new king, who is just, and loyal, and "hawt as" (which of course is the most important thing, if you ask Beatrix, who has finally learned to accept her crappy name, but has shortened it to Bea).

Uther is sitting in a comfy armchair at Broadmoor Lunatics Asylum, painting pictures of pretty purple ladies and re-learning to tie his shoe-laces, while Merlin has taken up with an old flame, the shapeshifter, Freya.

Gwen and Arthur marry, of course – it's part and parcel of the whole Knights of the Kind of Round but Slightly Oblong Table legend – and are shagging like rabbits, hoping to bring an heir (or heiress) into the world.

Morgana and Lancelot broke up sadly, but she's now dating a Druid and Lance, as Morgana has taken to calling him, has just been made the caretaker of Come-a-lot while Arthur prepares to fulfil his lifelong dream of going on a quest to find the Holy Grail. And the rest, as you know, is down to myth and legend…