Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who

Beautiful In Blue

Chapter Ten

When she left the TARDIS and returned to her cell, mere moments after she'd left, River Song curled up on her narrow bed and cried. She did so quietly, not wishing to be disturbed by concerned or irritating guards. She did so not knowing for certain why she was crying, other than her hearts felt like they were slowly being torn in half.

A week and a day went by without word from the Doctor. She imagined him running himself ragged taking care of Anna, with River not in his thoughts at all. As she dozed off, she experienced a vision of some sort. It seemed to River as if she saw before her a duplicate of herself, one that she either had to dominate or be dominated by. Unable to tell whether she was awake or sleeping, River nonetheless readied herself for a mental struggle within her own mindscape.

"He's left us" spat her doppelganger, in a voice laced with thinly covered deceit. River threw off the verbal spar.

"He never would" she replied; but her voice shook a little, and that tremor betrayed her. The 'anti-River' smirked, and rebutted this not so convincing comment immediately.

"You're not special. The TARDIS is the Doctor's constant companion, and now she's moved in to take our place".

"You're talking as if we're the same person".

"We are the same person, idiot" anti-River replied in a snide voice, sneering. "I've always been here in the back of your head. Don't be blinded by love, River". Her doppelganger adopted a more supportive attitude, though even that was mocking, "love was what made you give up your freedom, and what for? A selfish fool with a stupid TARDIS that goes and gets herself pregnant" she said bitterly.

River couldn't help but agree; after all, these were her thoughts, and her mind was simply forcing her to confront them. She loved the Doctor enough to destroy the universe for him, murder him at his request and let herself be arrested for it. Deep down, she had always doubted the Doctor's love for her; whether he'd married her because of his affections or simply to get close to her.

"What should I do?" she found herself asking her double, who smiled cruelly.

"What you should have done a long time ago".

River hung her head, a stray curl brushing against the corner of her eye. She tucked it behind her ear. Perhaps the other River was right; she should end whatever bizarre, timey wimey relationship she had with the Doctor, and step out of his life. No doubt she'd still meet him at earlier points in his time stream, but leaving him now might soften the hurt of his not knowing her. "You're right" she admitted miserably, "I ought to end it now, before it's too late".

"Yes, you should. Do it before he hurts you or anyone else again. You're asleep, in case you haven't realised" explained anti-River, "so when you wake up, call him, and when he comes running, bang!" she shouted suddenly, and laughed.

River sighed in regret, and looked up at her alter ego. Much to her shock and dismay, her double had transformed into Mels, right down to the jet black braids and snarky smile. "Whilst you're at it, you might as well get rid of that Anna, too. Sure the baby dies, but with a father like that it's technically better off not being born". Mels laughed as if she'd just said the funniest thing she'd ever heard.

Meanwhile, River Song was staring at her past incarnation in disbelief and disgust. "I should have known you didn't mean just leaving him" she said angrily. Mels gave her a mirth filled stare.

"Leaving him dead, more like. Come on, Melody, time to put that training into action!" she said with sickening glee.

River straightened up and glared at her. "Don't call me Melody. I'm not Melody, I'm not you. Not anymore. Do you really think that a little disagreement is all it takes for me to regress?" she demanded angrily.

For the first time, Mels' arrogance wavered a little, but she soon shot back, "They won't stay little for long. He'll always put Anna first, now that she's the one with the baby; get rid of the baby, that's what you should do" she said in a flash of inspiration.

River couldn't believe what she was hearing; from her own subconscious no less. Her anger flared like a disturbed cobra and she stalked forwards, eyes narrowed almost to slits. "Go back into my mind, now. I'll never listen to you, ever" she announced decisively. This echo of Mels, unfortunately, was every bit as stubborn as her real life counterpart. River closed her eyes and willed herself to leave this nightmare state.

"Shutting me out isn't going to change anything. Whatever's going on between you and the Doctor, it might as well have never happened. It'll always be there, hanging over you…he'll leave you, he'll leave you!" With that final lash of her whip like tongue, the pseudo Mels sank back into the darkness of River's subconscious mind.

Upon regaining awareness, River was unable to move or speak. She'd been so deeply asleep for so long, and woken so abruptly, that she was overcome with sleep paralysis. Her limp arms seemed to not belong to her, lying awkwardly on her chest as they did and refusing to respond. She felt dizzy from the sudden change in perspective, and unable to breath properly. At long last her slackened muscles responded to her whim, and she sat up shakily.

So it was still there, the urge to kill the Doctor. River had held back that urge ever since the fateful day in Berlin, when that impossible man saved her life, defended her actions, all whilst dying at her hand. The psychopath within her had fallen in love with his darkness, even as she despised him for it, and when she found there was so much more to him, that hatred blew away, like old cobwebs from her mind.

For pity's sake, it had only been a week! If she was capable of coming close to reviving Melody Pond, the killer of the Doctor, after such a short time, what would happen if he left her here for a month? Or a year?

Well, then she'd just have to go and find him herself. River shook the thoughts of being abandoned out of her head. She was not Mels anymore. She was not the Silence's pet anymore. Her inner recitation was interrupted by the familiar groaning and screeching that heralded the TARDIS. The Doctor stuck his head out through the door. "River? Are you okay?" he asked in concern.

River took a deep breath, ready to release it along with a casual "Hello, sweetie", and suggest a trip to Babylon or the Falls of Novena. She looked up at the Doctor, and the sight of his face brought everything rushing back. Choking back her flirty greeting, River burst into tears.

The Doctor's eyes widened; he stepped from the TARDIS and quickly sonicked the security camera and the lock in succession. "River, River, River" he repeated her name in anxiety, and placed his hands as gently as possible on her shoulders. River's hands flew from her face and grasped his suspenders, pulling him forward. The Doctor just about managed to keep his balance, and held her close. He smoothed a hand over her wild curls as she sobbed into his shoulder.

Leading a still weeping River into the TARDIS, the Doctor held her by the shoulders. "What is it, what's wrong?" he asked quietly. River gulped back a second wave of tears and whimpered. "I…I…" she stammered, struggling to force words past the lump in her throat. "I wanted to kill you!" she cried in anguish, burying her face in his neck. The Doctor held her close and rocked her gently. After a while, River pulled back and wiped her eyes with her sleeve. She was full of mucus, and her hair was an absolute mess… "I must look absolutely hideous" she whimpered.

The Doctor shook his head. "You've always looked beautiful to me" he replied, before giving her a soft kiss. It wasn't chaste, but it wasn't desperate either; it was a Goldilocks sort of kiss, just right. When they pulled apart, River was smiling for the first time in days. Her husband smiled tenderly back at her, before subtly directing her attention behind her with a flick of his gaze.

River turned to see Anna, smiling at her with a motherly expression, and holding out a box of tissues. "Thanks" she said gratefully, if a little nasally, and reached out to take the box. Once she'd dried her eyes and cleared her nose, River gave Anna a second look. The first time she had seen this avatar of the TARDIS, she'd been pale and dishevelled; now her cheeks were full of pink colour, and her long brown hair was wrapped in golden bands, hanging over her shoulder in a curly twisted braid. Her large brown eyes were full of remorse.

"I'm so sorry, River" she began before the other woman could speak. "I didn't mean to trigger this, and I should have realised it would happen much sooner than I did. I hope you can forgive me" Anna said regretfully.

"I don't understand. What did you trigger? Do you know why I had that nightmare?" River asked in confusion, looking between the Doctor and Anna.

"You had a nightmare?" asked the Doctor. Anna shook her head and answered for River, "It wasn't a nightmare. Or rather, it was more than an ordinary nightmare. You're melding" she revealed. The Doctor's eyes widened, and he gazed at River with an odd sort of pity; the sort given to victims of accidents that suffered brain damage. River wasn't in the mood to be pitied. "Would one of you please explain what the heck is going on?" she demanded.

Anna gestured to the captain's chair, and River took a seat, with the Doctor kneeling besides her. She looked at the Doctor and Anna with raised eyebrows. "River, when you regenerated in Berlin, three versions of your consciousness melded, they mixed together. It's both an effect and a cause of post regenerative trauma" explained Anna.

"You haven't had the proper psychic training to cope with it" the Doctor continued, his long fingers wrapped around River's hands. "Your mind is fractured, River, and your past personalities are trying to reassert themselves".

River felt a mixture of relief, that her subconscious desires weren't quite her fault, fear that she'd even harboured any such thoughts, and more confusion. She looked up at Anna and questioned, "I still don't understand, what this has to do with you?"

Anna bit her lip nervously, and swallowed. "Your mind has been fractured ever since Berlin, but…it needed something to bring the conflict to the surface. Or someone, in this case" she explained, with a hint of bitterness at herself tracing her voice.

"It's not your fault" the Doctor murmured quietly, looking up at Anna.

"Yes, I mean, you couldn't have known this would happen" River pointed out.

Anna sighed and nodded. "True, but I still feel responsible. We can heal your mind, River, with time; and I'd like to suggest something…radical, perhaps that's the wrong word, but it ought to ensure nothing like this ever happens again" she revealed. The Doctor and River waited patiently for her to elaborate.

"I propose that we form a three way bond" she stated calmly.

/

A/N: Sleep paralysis actually is a real and, I can attest from personal experience, very disturbing phenomenon.

Expect slight angst and possible risk of squee-ing ahead.