Autumn came as sure as it always did, spreading like a slow and brilliant wildfire over the landscape. The trees had started to glow in hot reds and golds, the air turning sharper, smelling lovely and of decaying leaves. And, as it became colder, she found herself asking Togao to come in rather than go out.
This was not in and of itself a problem; he moved very quietly, always graceful despite his size, and he could hear well enough that he was in no danger of being caught – anyone coming into Izayoi's room would be heard long before they reached her, so he had plenty of time to slip away. It was far better to stay in, anyway, since Nodoka had taken to the obnoxious habit of randomly returning to Izayoi during the night, as though she suspected her of sneaking around. It was especially bad whenever Takemaru was visiting – so as long as Izayoi pretended to be asleep when her old nursemaid checked on her, nobody was ever any wiser about her late night visitor.
The real problem with him staying inside with her was simply his proximity. Though he seemed to be appropriately disinterested, she was not so fortunate; every kiss made her want to scream in frustration, always too innocent and gentle for her liking. Wanting him seemed natural to her, but it was ultimately fruitless.
Of course she would not press the issue with him, since he had been brutally clear about his feelings: they would not do anything that might complicate matters further, not yet, not when there were still so many unanswered questions about their future. She could understand his reasons perfectly, but it did very little to soothe her. There was really nobody she could talk to – her maids would probably assume she meant Takemaru, and he was a subject she wanted to avoid as much as possible. Her mother might actually encourage it, which also felt wrong to her. And of course, because the mansion itself seemed to have ears and eyes, she was terrified that somebody might find out and relay it to Takemaru himself – and she certainly did not want to encourage him.
Not for the first time, she wished she had a sister to confide in.
She considered writing a letter to Ayako to tell her the truth and to ask for advice, but if her letter was intercepted and read by prying eyes – as letters so often were – then she would be caught. There was nobody else who would understand like Ayako would; she was the most willing to listen, the most open, the most accepting. If anyone would be able to keep a secret, Izayoi was sure it would have to be her cousin.
Finally, out of sheer desperation, she begged her mother and father to let her visit the Matsushita's mansion. She was met with a considerable amount of hesitation; the question was, of course, whether she should be allowed to make the journey by herself or if she should be accompanied by her mother (though certainly not her father, lest the mansion lay barren and deserted without its lord). Lady Nanase was hesitant to leave, with winter coming and so much to be done in preparation for it, so Izayoi made the case that she was old enough to go by herself.
"A trip on my own may even be overdue," she said, picking the subject apart relentlessly over dinner. "Since I'm well into adulthood and even engaged now. When else will I get the chance to do this?"
"When you're married," her father said, looking at her over his cup. "But if you insist on going, I see no reason to stop you."
"Thank you, chichi-ue!" she cried, delighted, springing up from her seat to fling her arms around him. He made a face, as though he was unamused, but she felt him shaking with suppressed laughter.
"You must write and ask for permission," her mother finally said, when Izayoi had mostly calmed down from her fit of excitement. "I will certainly recommend you to my sister, though I doubt she'd have any good reason to refuse."
That was all she'd needed to hear. As soon as the evening meal was over, she pulled out her papers and brushes and set to work writing the politest sounding letter she could come up with:
Kind and generous Lord and Lady of Matsushita,
Have you all been well? This Izayoi would request a chance to visit, whenever it is most convenient for you.
I pray for your safety and prosperity,
Nanase Izayoi
And then, in more loose hiragana at the corner of the paper:
How is Ayako, in particular? Dearest cousin, I long to see you!
Finally, when it had been read over and approved by her mother – which included a little note of her consent and good wishes – it was sent off and Izayoi began the painful process of waiting for a response to come. Fortune seemed to be on her side, because in less than two weeks they received a reply, incredibly informal and written with obvious affection:
Darling niece,
Of course you are welcome! If you see it fit, please come before the weather turns.
Give your mother and father my unending love,
Matsushita no Tomiko
-and Ayako sends her love as well, she is practically bursting at the seams with joy to see you.
Relieved and thrilled all at one for the response, she immediately tried to persuade her parents that she should go before the week ended.
"After all, what if the weather turns sooner than we expect, and I'm caught in the middle of it?"
"It's hardly even fully autumn yet, Izayoi, I'm quite sure you won't have any problem," her mother laughed.
"You know how quickly it can change!"
"Let her go," her father cut in. There was a sparkle in his black eyes, the skin around them crinkly and kind. "She's not going to give up trying to convince us, and I'm starting to miss the quiet."
Izayoi was beside herself, bowing and spilling words of thanks and blessings upon her father, who only laughed.
That night, when Togao had arrived, she told him about the trip.
"Good timing," he said distractedly, watching her as she fluttered around like hummingbird, all excitement and joy as she began packing. "I have something important to do."
"Are you going to tell me what it is?" she teased, looking him over. "Or is this another one of your secrets?"
"I'll tell you when I've actually done it," he laughed. "There's no point in telling you before it's finished."
She bit her lip, considering, and then she finally sat down beside him, resting her head against his arm.
"How long will it be this time?"
"I don't know."
"You never do," she said gently, still smiling. "Can I expect Myoga to keep in touch while you're away?"
"Maybe. He's such a coward that he probably won't be with me for long."
"Is it something dangerous?" she asked, frowning.
"Nothing more dangerous than usual, I promise."
Izayoi sighed deeply, linking one hand with his. It always struck her how different they appeared; her hands were small, pale, and soft from years of never doing hard labor. His were large and dark, laced over with silvery little scars – it reminded her all over again of all of the battles he had fought and won, all of the times he'd been hurt or put in peril. His reputation as one of the strongest demons in the whole of Japan had frightened her long, long ago, but for different reasons than it frightened her now; she was afraid she might lose him, that he would go away and never return to her.
"I know you don't need my protection," she murmured, still looking down at their joined hands, "but if I could keep you safe I would."
"It's enough that you think of me when I'm away," he responded, pulling her in and leaning so that his chin rested on her head. "I'll be safe, Izayoi."
Of course she knew she would still worry about him, but for the moment his promise to her was enough. She let out a great yawn – and then, only moments later, he'd said goodbye and left her to finish her preparations and get some sleep.
Two days later, she was sent on her way. Her parents had arranged an entourage of her two maids, Nodoka, a little guard of five of the mansion guards, and probably more gifts and clothing and food than she reasonably needed to bring with her. It wouldn't be a terribly long trip; the Matsushita's home was only about a day's journey away, even for the size of her travelling party – still, Izayoi settled into the blankets and thick robes that she'd been given to protect herself from dust, peering out from the little curtain in her palanquin at the scenery to help pass the time. Nodoka chastised her immediately, dutiful as ever: "Be careful not to catch too much sun, or you'll ruin your complexion."
Which, of course, Izayoi promptly ignored.
For the most part, they managed without any major disruptions – there weren't any threats of bandits or opposing clans, and the weather held out the entire trip. There was a fairly large town in the center of the village her aunt and uncle looked over, and the front of the mansion was situated at the far-end of it, well enough out of the way that nobody could see the gates immediately. It was sort of in-between; close enough to the common-folk that they could come and walk to the mansion as necessary, but far enough away to remain appropriately aloof and to still require the ladies to take out their palanquins whenever they wanted to make a trip. Izayoi peeked her head out, watching the townspeople bustle about and carry on their daily business. More than a few of them stopped and stared at their party as they passed by, children pointing and shouting, dressed in rough clothing and tottering around their mother's ankles. On impulse, Izayoi smiled and waved at a little group of them, sending them and their parents into a fit of conversation.
As the Matsushita mansion finally came into view, Izayoi gasped aloud. It was bigger than she'd remembered it as a child, the grounds sprawling and beautiful. Past the gates, there was an open garden, filled with man-made streams and voluminous hydrangea bushes, though devoid of their flowers.
Izayoi was helped out of her seat. Before her stood a grand welcoming party, all out on the yard to see her arrival. Her aunt and uncle stood in the center, on either side surrounded by their children: their three sons and their wives, and then Ayako, who out of all of them looked the most excited. There were more servants than she could count immediately. She swallowed heavily, a little intimidated by the crowd of people – her mother's family had always been better off than her father's, and though she'd never paid attention when she was young, it felt like a very stark comparison to her now.
"Izayoi," her aunt said joyfully, coming to her with arms open wide. "It's so good to see you! Your trip was safe, I imagine?"
She immediately began to giggle, a little nervous, but happy to be in the presence of someone familiar and kind. "Perfectly safe, aunt!"
It didn't take long to feel at home. After all of the pleasantries and greetings – and once her things had been allocated to their appropriate rooms – Ayako bodily dragged her into her room, shooing her cluster of servants away from them so they could talk in private.
"So" she said, her eyebrows high, "I've heard you've gone and gotten engaged."
"I have," Izayoi said dispassionately.
"You really think you're going to get away with not telling me how it happened? You're an idiot," Ayako laughed, her face devious. "Who is he? What's he like?"
"He's a samurai who works for my father. His name is Takemaru, and he's… he's alright."
"That has to be the most lukewarm praise I've ever heard in my life. What's wrong with him, exactly?"
"Nothing at all, actually. He's handsome, young, my parents love him, he worships the ground I walk on-"
"-but you don't care a scrap for him."
Izayoi shook her head, eyes wide. "I do! It's complicated."
Ayako settled in, spreading her robes all around her like a nesting bird where she sat. Izayoi knelt in front of her, thinking of what she should say, how much to explain, how vague she could get away with being. She'd come all this way because she needed someone to talk to, but now that she was faced with it she found herself tongue-tied and shy. Her cousin watched her expression carefully, clearly waiting for her to elaborate.
"There's someone else," Izayoi finally muttered, looking down at her fingernails.
"What?" Ayako gasped, rocking back and forth on her knees a little.
"I said there's someone else," Izayoi repeated, louder this time, her face heating up. "I'm in love with a different man."
"I heard you the first time, I just… you, of all people? How on earth did you get yourself into this situation?"
"I don't really know. I was friends with him before I met Takemaru, but I knew we couldn't ever be together, so I just… I got engaged and hoped the feelings would go away," she babbled. "They didn't. And he loves me too, now."
"You're having an affair!" Ayako whispered, clapping her hands together as though it was the best news she'd ever heard. "How exciting!"
"It's not exciting at all, it's awful," Izayoi chastised. "And if anyone finds out about it, I don't even want to think about how much trouble I'll be in. I don't want to hurt my fiancé any more than I know I'm already going to-"
"What's that supposed to mean? He's never going to know about it, so what's the harm?"
"I'm not marrying him when I'm in love with someone else," she hissed, frowning. It did absolutely nothing to dampen Ayako's mood.
"I fail to see the problem here."
Izayoi struggled to find the right explanation, the way to verbalize her feelings; it wasn't simply a matter of protecting Takemaru's pride or of letting him down easily, it was something more. It came to her suddenly.
"This other man," she started, raising her eyebrows and hoping Ayako would understand her, "he deserves to be more to me than a lover I take on the side. I want him more than that."
"Oh," Ayako said, her smile falling slowly, comprehension dawning in her eyes. "You're really serious about this."
"I am."
"Why don't you marry him instead? Surely there's still time for that-"
"I can't," Izayoi murmured, biting her lip in frustration. "There's no way I'd be allowed."
"Is he… is he poor, or something?"
"No."
"A criminal, then? I'm more curious than I was before, actually."
"His reasons aren't… listen, it's not even something you would understand. Please believe me," Izayoi pleaded. "I would tell you if I thought I could."
Ayako frowned, leaning forward to peer at Izayoi's face, honest concern written into her eyes. "That's awfully worrying, Izayoi. He's not dangerous, is he?"
"Not really, no."
"Why don't I believe you?"
"He's not!" Izayoi sighed, lifting her chin. "He's incredibly strong, so I think he could be dangerous if he wanted to be, but he's kind. He'd never hurt me."
Ayako fidgeted, clearly nervous. Izayoi wondered if it had been a mistake to tell her, but then she cracked a smile – albeit a hesitant one.
"You do love him, then?"
"Very, very much."
There was a noise at the door, and both girls jumped, the moment between them passing. It was time for the evening meal.
Izayoi realized that it wasn't something she was likely to be discussing any further with her cousin, later that night as the pair of them laid together and talked. Ayako seemed to know instinctively that there was something strange about Izayoi's affair, something forbidden that even she was too afraid to delve too deeply into. It was frustrating, to be sure, but perhaps it was for the best that they leave it be.
The next morning, Ayako flung the blankets off of her sleeping roommate and in a shout of girlish delight announced that they were going into town.
"What for?" Izayoi asked blearily, voice groggy from sleep.
"What for? What else," Ayako cried, tugging on Izayoi's wrists to try and get her to sit up. "We're taking you shopping."
"Oh no, you don't have to do that," Izayoi replied hastily, her cheeks flushing. "I have little enough money to shop with, anyway."
"Mother and father will cover it!"
"Ayako-"
"No complaints! Get up, already."
She was dressed and prepared, and an entire little group was set up to go out: Aunt Tomiko, Ayako, a few guards, and two maids. They all piled into their palanquins and set off, Izayoi and Ayako in one and Lady Matsushita in another.
The town was even busier than it had been the day of Izayoi's arrival, filled with people all crowding around and haggling with each other. The air smelled strongly of food, animals, and humans – it was complete chaos for Izayoi's senses, all of them apparently being assaulted at once. As they'd done before, there were people gathering to catch a glimpse of the nobles as they passed by, whispering and talking amongst themselves. Finally, the three women stopped and stepped out onto one of the more open streets.
It was as though there were an invisible barrier between them and the common folk. While the villagers all pressed together, shoulder to shoulder, nobody dared touch the women or even to make eye contact with them. Ayako seemed totally oblivious to this, pulling Izayoi along with her to peruse the storefronts.
"It's mostly inns and things," she shouted over the noise, "but some of them are really pretty entertaining."
"Aren't you worried about getting lost?" Izayoi asked, realizing that Ayako had managed to shake off her guardians.
"Not at all. I've been here a million times before, and if anything happened to me father would have the perpetrator's head, so we're perfectly safe!"
It seemed that only moments after she'd finished speaking, there was a great commotion. All around them people were scurrying back and forth, women hauling up children into their arms, the invisible line crossed as people ran past the two girls.
"What on earth?" Izayoi cried.
"Something must have happened," Ayako said, determined. Brave as ever, she pulled her cousin along in the direction people were running away from – off the main thoroughfare.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you!" an old man yelled at them, his eyes wide and nervous. "They're saying they spotted a yokai in the road!"
Izayoi's stomach dropped suddenly, her mouth going dry. Ayako paused where she stood, weighing her options, but Izayoi gave her no time to think – she picked up her skirts and darted, weaving in between people towards the center of the town.
"Are you crazy?" Ayako screamed after her, stumbling to keep up. Izayoi had no reasonable answer; she only kept on following the streams of people, feeling her heart thundering in her chest. She wasn't entirely sure what she expected to find – it could have been any random yokai, like a kitsune or something harmless.
Something told her it wasn't.
Just as she managed to wiggle in through another swarm of bodies, she came through to a back alley that was amazingly clear. Ayako nearly ran into her, breathing heavily from exertion. Where there had been a buzz of noise before there was now eerie silence, as though the two girls had walked across a border and into another world.
Izayoi felt her cousin pulling hard on her sleeve, and turned her head. Her face had gone completely white, her mouth opening and closing, though no words came out. She was pointing towards the end of the alley.
She followed the line of her hand, and her blood ran cold. It was a massive white dog, laying on its side and licking devotedly at a wound on its front leg as though it hadn't even noticed that it had company. Izayoi struggled for breath for a moment, and then involuntarily squeaked. The dog lifted its head, pinning her with a stare that felt oddly familiar.
It was as though they'd seen each other before. The dog's eyes were strange, the sclera blood red but the irises an icy blue. But more interestingly, it had jagged, deep blueish markings that ran along its mouth and muzzle. It tilted its head, clearly confused, and then heaved itself up to come closer.
"Izayoi," Ayako whimpered from behind her, pulling on her sleeve. "Come on."
She wondered why nobody else had found this alley, why they were all alone. She found that her feet were like dead weights, as though she had been affixed to the ground. Before her, the dog lowered its great head, level with her face.
"It can't be…," she breathed, reaching out her hand to touch its fur. It was soft and silky, pure white; the dog leaned into her hand, its eyes slipping shut. "It can't really be you, can it?"
"Izayoi," Ayako repeating, her voice quivering in fear. "What are you talking about?"
"He won't hurt you, will he?" she replied, her lips beginning to pull up into a smile. "What are you doing here? How did you manage to get injured?"
The dog shook its head, and there was a strange burst of energy from its body – it raised the hair on Izayoi's neck, her arms, her legs. It was a feeling she'd felt a hundred times before, and she knew immediately that her hunch had been correct. When the blinding wave of yoki and dust settled, the dog was gone and replaced with a form she recognized instantly.
"Togao," she laughed, forgetting about everything else around her for a moment as she wrapped her arms around his waist. He was fully armored today, decked out completely and looking ferocious, but she was unafraid.
"Izayoi!" Ayako cried, tone raised to a fever pitch. "You'll be killed!"
She pulled away from a moment, turning her head. Ayako's eyes were swimming with tears, her hand clutched to her heart as she leaned against one of the buildings for support.
"No, I-" she said, stuttering slightly as reality sunk in around her. "I'm perfectly safe, and so are you. This is… he's…"
"You're Izayoi's cousin, aren't you?" Togao asked, his voice carefully light, like he was coaxing a child out of hiding. "She's told me about you before."
"Who the hell are you," Ayako spat, her voice still shaking. "What do want with us?"
"I told you about him before," Izayoi said quickly, catching and holding Ayako's gaze, trying to make her understand. "Remember?"
"You aren't serious," she whispered, looking back and forth between the two of them. Togao's arms were still draped over Izayoi's shoulders, claiming her, keeping her body close to his. "Tell me you aren't serious."
"I wouldn't lie to you."
Ayako chose that exact moment to collapse against the wall, sliding down until she was sitting, her legs having given out completely on her. Izayoi turned completely, wiggling out from Togao's hold and coming to kneel before her cousin instead. He only stood still, as though he was afraid to spook the girl even further.
"You never told me you were having an affair with a demon," Ayako breathed, tears starting to spill down her cheeks. "Are you out of your mind?"
"I didn't tell you because I knew this would happen," Izayoi responded, sharper than she'd meant to. She tried to reel in her composure, taking a huge breath and softening her eyes. "But I promise that I'm perfectly sane. He's not going to harm either of us, I promise. Please, just… don't tell anyone about this?"
Ayako was silent for a long moment, but then, slowly, she started to stand. Her stare was trained on Togao, even as she spoke.
"Nobody would believe me, even if I did tell them."
"I'm sorry," Izayoi said, slipping her arms around her cousin. Ayako stiffened, apparently repulsed by the contact, and she shrank back again. Izayoi didn't know what else she could possibly say, so she turned her attention back to Togao instead.
"What happened to you?" she asked, coming back to stand in front of him. He had a large gash in his right arm, the fabric of his kimono ripped and soaked with dried blood, as though the injury had happened a while ago. Izayoi frowned, looking at it and then up at his face, worried.
"I was getting something to eat. I picked the wrong farm to steal from," he laughed, his other hand coming up to touch her cheek. "Don't worry about me, Izayoi, I heal quickly."
"You stole?"
"Only an old ox. It probably didn't have too much longer to live, anyway."
"Oh?"
"I got chased into this town. I didn't realize this was where you were," he went on, still absently stroking her skin. She fought the urge to shut her eyes, her lids fluttering as he touched her. "I shouldn't stay much longer. I'm not welcome."
"Ah," she said quietly. "I'm sure everyone is going to come looking for us, anyway."
"This barrier will hold until I'm gone, at least."
"Is it like the ones you've made in the forest before?"
"Just like those."
He smiled, his face brilliant. Her heart sped up in reply; even here, where the situation was so far from ideal, she was glad to see him.
"You should go," she said softly, splaying her hands out over his chest, feeling the cold metal of his breastplate. "I need to try and explain this to Ayako."
"Good luck," he murmured, bending down to kiss her. It was over too quickly, and in a moment he had turned from her and leapt clear over the roof of one of the buildings and was gone. There was going to be a lot of collateral from this meeting, however small it had been.
"I'm sure mother is worried sick," Ayako said, her voice cold and detached. "We need to find her and let her know we're okay."
Izayoi nodded, following her out of the alley. The silence between them was deafening, painful – she wondered if their friendship would ever be the same after this, or if Ayako would never forgive her. Her heart ached at the thought of it.
"My girls," Aunt Tomiko cried as soon as they were in her sights once again, wrapping her daughter up in a tight embrace. "You aren't hurt, are you?"
"No, mother," Ayako replied, her voice muffled. "Everything is fine."
"We're going home. We've had more than enough excitement for one day!"
"Yes, mother."
The trip back was quiet, but blessedly short. Izayoi wanted to say something, but didn't know what she could possibly tell Ayako, other than that she was sorry for keeping it a secret. At dinner nobody even seemed to notice the distance between them – all the family was abuzz about the excitement at the market.
"I heard the demon was actually the Inu no Taisho," Aunt Tomiko told her husband, managing to somehow be heard over the chatter of her sons and their wives and children. "We've seen him around here before, haven't we?"
"Better him than another yokai," Lord Matsushita replied, shaking his head solemnly. "He's one of the few who has a reputation for getting along with humans. I'd still rather he stay far away from us, though."
"Nobody was killed or hurt today, if that says anything about the rumors. What was that one that was going around? He's so fond of humans that he's taken one as a wife or something?"
Izayoi's throat closed up suddenly, her fingers tightening around her chopsticks. She threw a nervous glance at Ayako, who had also looked up at that. She had the power to tell them everything, right then and there.
"That's ridiculous," Ayako said, speaking for the first time since they'd come home from the market. "Who's ever heard of a demon with a human wife?"
"It happens more often than you think!" her mother said, waving her hand around, and then she set off on a long rant about a story she'd heard from a friend of a friend. Ayako looked back over at Izayoi, her eyes soft, her mouth finally loosening, Izayoi tried to tell her, without words, how thankful she was.
When bedtime had come, she hugged her cousin as hard as she could.
"I know it's frightening," Izayoi whispered into her hair. "But I'm so grateful that you know about it. You're the only person I can trust besides him."
"I'd never tell on you like that," Ayako muttered, bringing her own arms up and hugging her back. "I don't understand how you've chosen him, of all people, but I would never betray you."
Izayoi felt a wave of tears push at her eyes, and she tried to blink them back. "Thank you, thank you-"
"I might… ask you about it later," Ayako said lightly, pulling away. "I'm a little curious, but right now I just want to sleep."
"Of course," Izayoi said, nodding, smiling timidly. It seemed they weren't completely in the clear, but at least she wasn't quite so afraid anymore. After they'd gotten ready for bed, Ayako cuddled up to Izayoi as though nothing had happened, her hand finding and holding her cousin's until she fell asleep.
o0o
As always, the visit came to its end too quickly.
Ayako eventually came around to Izayoi's decision, slowly but surely asking her questions about how the two had met, what they'd been doing the whole time, what the future might be like. It felt good to have someone to confide in, and Izayoi was so relieved by the end of it that she felt like she'd scrubbed her heart clean.
"I'll give you one thing," she'd said, running her fingers through her hair one night after bed, "he's not bad to look at."
"He isn't at all!" Izayoi giggled, stretching her arms over her head.
"What are you going to do?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that you should know whether or not he wants the same things you want," Ayako said, voice suddenly serious. "Is he as serious about you as you are about him?
"I think so," Izayoi replied, quietly. "I think we've just been biding our time, trying to figure out what to do. It's a complicated mess that I've gotten myself into, isn't it?"
"Hm. If he breaks your heart, I'll kill him myself," Ayako huffed, snuggling under her blankets. "I don't care if he is a demon, I'll still do it."
"I love you, Ayako."
"I love you, too, Izayoi. You strange girl."
The next morning, she left the Matsuhita mansion behind. Everyone sent her off exactly as they had welcomed her, all the household out of doors to wish her well as she was loaded back up into her palanquin. She was lost in thought the entire way home – her resolve had been strengthened by Ayako's acceptance, her head clear, her heart decided. A few nights passed before he came to her, and with each one she felt surer and surer. When he finally tapped on her door, sometime around midnight nearly a week after she'd come home, she wasted no time in speaking.
"I want to go to the valley. I have something I should tell you."
Togao made a face. "No hello?"
"Yes, that too. Hello," she said, tugging his wrists so that she could reach his mouth for a kiss. It was quick, though, because she was far more interested in getting away from the relative danger of her home and somewhere they could talk freely.
He obliged. The whole trip over was spent in silence as she tried to work through her thoughts. Down on the ground, and surrounded by peaceful, quiet nighttime, she sat down and set out to explain herself.
"We've known each other for some time now, haven't we?"
"Yes. Though that sounds like an ominous way to begin a conversation," he pointed out. She laughed a little, turning to him and beckoning him to come sit with her. He did without hesitation.
"Maybe it is," she shrugged as he sat beside her. "But I know what I want. I need to know what you want, so that there's no confusion."
"What do you mean, exactly?"
"I love you," she said, looking up at him. He was so painfully beautiful, so kind and fierce, so perfect for her. "So you'll understand if I tell you that I can't marry the man I'm engaged to. I don't want to keep having an affair."
He frowned, but she kept talking.
"Please, I know you might have all sorts of reasons for not wanting to consider me more than – actually, I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to be right now. I understand that this whole thing was an accident, and I know that you have other obligations, and that we're… very different creatures from very different walks of life, but I'm not going to lie to you now. I don't love him at all. I know what love feels like and I can't willingly give it up. I won't marry him."
"It would be much easier for you, if you did," he said, quietly. There was something contemplative in his voice.
"I don't care."
"Do you know what you're asking for?"
"...maybe," she whispered. "Is it too much for you to give me?"
Apparently, that jostled his pride enough that he dropped his weird, quiet behavior and he snatched up her hands to pull her forward to him. It wasn't exactly forceful, but she let out a little cry of surprise.
"I'll tell you what you're asking, Izayoi. You want to leave behind the human life that you, by all means, are supposed to be living. You would rather live with me, even if it's on the margins of existence. I can't promise you safety or any kind of stability right now, but I suppose you'll only tell me that you don't care about that, either. Am I wrong?"
"Not at all."
"Then I suppose it's settled. If you won't be his wife, be mine instead."
She was breathless, slipping her hands out of his so that she could embrace him fully. She buried her face in his neck, her fingers threaded tightly in his hair, her eyes squeezed shut.
"I will," she whispered into his skin. It was warm under her lips. "I want to be your wife, more than anything in the world."
"It's in name only," he told her, voice soft and gentle. "Just for right now. I've been looking for ways to make it more permanent, but for a little bit longer it's only between us."
"What changed your mind? I mean, since it was a secret before, why make me your wife now?"
"Tenseiga," he whispered against her forehead.
"What?"
"It's a sword," he said, kissing her cheek now. "It's a little extra insurance that you'll be protected. It's still not safe for you to live with me yet, and it won't be until Ryukotsusei is dead, but in the meantime… I'm tired of waiting, Izayoi."
"I'm tired of waiting, too," Izayoi laughed, pulling back to look at his face. "Husband. Husband!"
He laughed with her, squeezing her close, strong arms wrapped tight around her waist. She was so happy that she thought she might cry, but instead she pressed her lips firmly against his and tried to explain, without words, how much she loved him, how much she wanted to spend every second of her life as his and only his. Through it all he kissed her back, tender, leaning a little as he did, and then lost his balance completely.
She landed flat upon her back – still seized by laughter and pleasure – and he was over her in only seconds, arms braced at each side of her head, a smile plastered on his face. She recognized him for what he was; someone in love, not really very old in the grand scheme of things, full of the promise of life still unlived and feelings still unknown. Her eyes sought his and they met, dark brown on gold.
Izayoi's breath came out in a rush.
He said something to her, but she hardly noticed. Instead she moved, trying to clear her lungs to allow air in, but everything felt heavy around her, above her.
"You're crushing me a bit," she giggled. He raised an eyebrow, and then began to push away from her – but her hands gripped his upper arms tightly, stopping him. "I didn't say I minded, did I?"
There was something between them. It was thick and strong in her chest, warming her body, pooling in her belly and lower in the cradle of her hips. She was afraid; it was so strong, so powerful, and she was helpless to stop it from spreading. Izayoi reached up and kissed him, just brushing her lips against his for a moment, testing the waters before she gave in. She pulled his lower lip in between her teeth, biting down gently, tugging.
To her surprise, he groaned. It was a sound she'd never heard him make before; it was shocking, exciting, spreading over her like a wildfire. He pulled away from her, his eyes unfocused.
"Izayoi," he tried, but he sounded gruff and unsteady. She didn't need him to speak, anyway. Sure and silent, she reached up her arms and pulled him down by his shoulders, pressing her lips back to his. The world around them seemed dim to her weak, human senses, consumed only by what she knew and understood to be desire. Desire, she had always been taught, was vulgar. It was what set young, passionate people to their ruin and it could certainly bring her to her own. It was vile, primitive, and wrong.
Then so be it; she was vile, primitive, and wrong. She was also bursting at the seams with love, trust, and tenderness. Izayoi knew that she probably never would have wanted him if she hadn't loved him first, and so she could forgive herself just this once for the hot little flicker of lust that was growing inside of her. She parted from him, bringing her mouth to his ear.
"Am I truly your wife?" she asked, her voice deeper and throatier than usual.
"Yes," he said, low and quiet. "Yes, you are."
A slow, languid grin started to spread over her face. She twisted her fingers in his hair, nudging her hips up into him.
"I'm not making love to you on the forest floor," he laughed, though it was still rough. "You deserve better than that."
"Why not?" she whispered. "I don't care where it happens, as long as it's with you."
"Not tonight," he repeated, stern, and then he pulled away entirely, sitting up with crossed legs and waiting for her to come to her senses and follow suit. But for a second, she laid on the ground, feeling the chill of late autumn seeping into her clothes and eventually into her skin as well, just so that she could convince herself that she wasn't imagining everything.
"Will you come tomorrow night?" she asked, voice distant and dreamlike.
"Yes," he replied. "It's getting cold out here. You should return before you freeze."
She sat up, and let him take her back. As always, he kissed her forehead and whispered his goodbye, before disappearing back into the night. He loved her, he wanted her, he had made her his wife, and now he had promised to take her away to live with him as soon as he felt it was safe. She repeated those reassurances over and over in her head, letting them lull her to sleep.
When morning came, Izayoi was filled with nearly boundless energy. She attacked her breakfast with vigor, worked on her sashiko with renewed dedication, talked and laughed with Chiyo and Natsuki – all while keeping her mind set fully on the night before her. The sky began to darken with sunset and the autumny chill of daytime deepened into cold. She retired to bed early that night, claiming exhaustion and headache and carefully asking not to be disturbed. Once she was alone in her room, she fussed with her hair and her face and wondered if would even make a difference to him. She responded to every gust of wind, every sound, as though she didn't already know what a knock sounded like. She sat on her tatami mats. She waited.
And finally, after what felt like nearly years, she heard the light tap. This time, though, he didn't wait for her to open the shoji and come out to meet him. He opened it himself, but he hovered at the doorway. Physically, he was as imposing as ever, tall and strong – but she saw the hesitation on his face, and that was what stood out to her. All she could do was pray that she looked more beautiful and alluring than nervous, that it would be enough to pull him from the edge of his doubts.
"Please, you should come in," she said, so quietly that it would have been hard for anyone else to hear. But he heard, as he always did, and he looked at her.
He was covered in moonlight, the silvery glow of it lighting him like a halo, and she wondered if she was out of her depth. He was heavenly, a demon the likes of which the world had hardly ever seen before, and despite all of this he had fallen in love with her. She wanted him to touch her, to whisper to her. Izayoi called his name, softly, beckoning him inside.
Her plea was enough; he had taken the swords from his side and back and laid them at the doorway, still looking at her. He was maddeningly quiet, taking her in like he needed to memorize the image of her in front of him. Then the armor and pelt from his back was removed, and that too laid by the threshold. He crossed over in only a few long strides, kneeling before her.
"Tell me," he said quietly, his hands taking hers, completely overwhelming them, "that you are absolutely sure. If you've changed your mind, then you still have time to say so."
Her heart was racing, almost to the point where she could feel it pounding in her throat. She met his eyes and couldn't find any reason not to tell the truth.
"I want you. My choice has been made for a long time now."
He heaved a great sigh, as though relieved, but he continued:
"Listen to me," he continued. "Izayoi, there can't be anyone else after this. Not for either of us."
She shook her head, gripping his hand tighter.
"I don't want anyone else."
His hesitation broke and he pulled her in, hands firm on her shoulders, to kiss her. Izayoi felt dizzy from it all, the taste of him on her lips and his hands slipping down her arms, holding her still. She felt the tension between them once more, that thread of desire, pulled tight and only getting tighter and thinner each moment he stayed with her like this.
"I love you," she breathed when he pulled away from her, "I've wanted this for so long."
"Izayoi," he breathed, deep and rich, thrumming through her like a heartbeat. His arms slipped around her waist, pulling her close. He held her tight, his hands sliding against the fabric of her night clothes, shifting it so that the hem slid up her legs. She gasped, and then pushed him until his back hit the ground, her body and hair coming to cover his. She wanted to be joined with him past recognition, so close that it wouldn't be possible to distinguish their differences, so close that she wouldn't know where she ended and he began.
She longed to kiss him again; so she did, once, twice, three times. All at once, he decided that he'd had enough of her lips, and he moved to press hot, fast kisses over her jaw and down her pale neck. She inhaled sharply and tipped her head, baring more of her skin to him. His voice came out in a growl, so that it was nearly impossible to distinguish the words, but she replied by pressing her hips down over his.
The thread snapped, and their shared fate was sealed.
(edit as of 10/09/2016:
hiragana: one of the many Japanese alphabets. back in the day, it was a women's only language, and how most court women wrote to each other.
sashiko: a kind of traditional embroidery
So... surprise, we all knew they were going to do it eventually. Inuyasha had to be conceived somehow, right? This chapter also went from about 5k words to over 7k - I added a LOT to it, mostly with Ayako because I love writing her.)