Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions.
If I Only had a Clue or Crows can be Murder
Narrator: In the previous segment, Rocky and Bullwinkle escaped from Boris's "werewolves", which were actually guard dogs named Fluffy and Pooky. The dogs were distracted by an interview with Edgar and Chauncey, two very inexperienced reporters. Their interview with Fluffy and Pooky went well, but there were several blunders when they were interviewing the guards and spies. As a result, our heroes and reporters are trying to escape from the no-goodniks while solving a mystery about the strange happenings in Pottsylvania. While searching for clues, Bullwinkle looked for jack-o-lanterns in a pumpkin patch. They found out that the pumpkin patch is inhabited by a murder of crows, which are swooping down on them!
The crows swoop down at them.
Joe: Caw!
Moe: Caw!
Poe: Nevermore!
The other two crows stare at him.
Poe: ...Caw?
Narrator: While running away from two crows and-
Edgar: A raven with an identity crisis?
Narrator: -Bullwinkle comes up with another not so bright idea.
Bullwinkle: We can hide behind that scarecrow!
Narrator: The reason why this is not a good idea is that crows are intelligent birds. They can easily see Bullwinkle's antlers sticking out from the sides of the scarecrow.
Bullwinkle: You could have told me this earlier, Mr. Narrator. I never learned this stuff in Wossamotta U.
Narrator: However, a flock of territorial birds isn't the only thing that the minimally educated moose has to worry about...
Scarecrow: Get off of my lawn!
Edgar: Now there's something you don't see every day, Chauncey!
Chauncey: What's that, Edgar?
Rocky: Hokey Smoke!
Bullwinkle: Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!
His companions stare at him.
Bullwinkle: I thought we were saying our catchphrases.
Narrator: After the shock of seeing a talking "scarecrow", they can easily see that it is really Boris in a disguise.
Rocky: Why are you disguised as a scarecrow?
Boris: Well, since my latest trap meant to keel you is an angry murder of crows, I thought that a scarecrow costume would make sense. Isn't it brilliant?
Rocky: If you ask me, your disguise isn't even convincing, let alone brilliant.
Bullwinkle: Gosh, a talking scarecrow!
Boris: It is to him.
Rocky: Why are the crows angry anyway? They usually aren't aggressive.
Boris: We had a backup plan. If the dog whistle didn't work, I would use a crow whistle. It makes a sound that is so high pitched, only birds can hear it. Allow me to demonstrate.
He blows the whistle.
Narrator: Like in "Ring of Terror", Boris's plan backfires on him.
Moe: Argh! It's that darned whistle again, caw!
Joe: Yeah, and it's coming from that scarecrow, caw!
Poe: We must act on our instincts and peck at it, nevermore!
They stare at him again.
Poe: Oh, sorry. It's kind of a habit. Caw.
Narrator: Thoroughly annoyed by the whistle, the crows retaliate by pecking at the "scarecrow".
Boris: Ow!
Narrator: Soon after our heroes and observers use this distraction to escape, Natasha and Fearless Leader show up. Much to their disappointment, Boris once again failed to arrest "Moose and Squirrel". This time, it was because he cleverly decided to use a scarecrow costume in the middle of a flock of crows. Not to mention the "crow whistle".
Natasha: Boris dollink! Are you okay?
Boris is dizzy and confused.
Boris: We're off to see the wizard!
Natasha: ...Excuse me?
Boris: You know, the Wonderful Wizard of Pottsylvania. If we see him, you can get back home by using Upsidasium slippers, and I can have a brain.
Natasha: Fearless Leader dollink, what is he talking about?
Fearless Leader: I'm just as lost as you are.
Boris: Oh, you must be the Wonderful Wizard of Pottsylvania! Mr. Wizard, can you give me a brain?
Fearless Leader: Badenov, that is even more impossible than you successfully completing a mission.
Natasha: Do you think he will be okay?
Boris: Thanks for the brain, Mr. Wizard! I will show off my new intelligence. The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to-
Fearless Leader hits Boris on the head.
Boris: -capturing Moose and Squirrel!
Fearless Leader: He's fine.
Narrator: The expert mystery solvers continue their search for clues. Let's see, how many clues have you guys found so far?
Rocky: *sighs* none.
Bullwinkle: But you don't have to be so sarcastic about it.
Edgar: Now there's something you don't see every day, Chauncey.
Chauncey: What's that, Edgar?
Edgar: A walking jack-o-lantern.
Chauncey: Are you feeling all right?
Edgar: I'm fine. There really is a jack-o-lantern. It's right over there.
Narrator: He points out a pumpkin on the other side of the pumpkin patch that really is moving by itself.
Bullwinkle: Well, what do you know. Those two kids were right after all.
Rocky: That "pumpkin" is really suspicious.
Narrator: His suspicions are correct. When taking a closer look, they see a familiar shadowy figure around the jack-o-lantern.
Mr. Big: I am so good at spying. No one will suspect a walking pumpkin. This is why they call me the world's greatest spy!
Narrator: They follow Mr. Big from the pumpkin patch to Lake Eerie. Even our expert mystery solvers can follow "the world's greatest spy".
Bullwinkle: You're in a sarcastic mood, aren't you?
Startled, he jumps out of the jack-o-lantern.
Mr. Big: Who's there?!?
Bullwinkle: You're right, Rocky. That really is Mr. Big!
Mr. Big: Aha! You have made a big mistake, stupid Moose. I am going to arrest you and your friend Squirrel!
Narrator: Thanks to Bullwinkle's brilliant espionage tactics, the tiny henchman is completely aware that he is being followed. Rocky climbs up a tree, Edgar hides in a nearby cave, Chauncey hides in a log, and Bullwinkle stands behind a tree. With his antlers sticking out.
Bullwinkle: I'm thinking of a new Mr. Know it All episode, called, "How to find a Good Secret Hiding Place... which isn't really a secret anymore, because I just told you".
Narrator: The title needs a little work.
Mr. Big looks around and tries to find them.
Mr. Big: I must have been hearing things. I can't find Moose or Squirrel anywhere.
Narrator: The mobster continues to sneak around in his "disguise". The three somewhat intelligent mystery solvers emerge from their hiding places.
Rocky: Why didn't he see you?
Bullwinkle: I'm Mr. Know it All, and I'm an expert at espionage.
Edgar: Which is exactly why you blew our cover earlier.
Bullwinkle: Yeah, about that, I was, uh... showing you guys what you're not supposed to do when spying.
Chauncey: I found a clue!
Edgar: Now that's something you don't see everyday. Or the previous nine episodes.
Chauncey: The little guy's talking to his boss. We could spy on them, and find out what's going on.
Narrator: They terrible trio are waiting for Mr. Big.
Boris: Boss, what was the answer to that math problem? Was I right?
Fearless Leader: No. The answer is the square root of the remaining side.
Boris: My answer made more sense.
They see a large shadow.
Natasha: Dollink, Mr. Big is here to see you.
Fearless Leader: So he is. Can you two leave us alone for our meeting?
Boris: Aw, do we have to?
Natasha: We have been wondering about his appearance for years. We never got to see what he actually looks like, only his shadow.
Fearless Leader: And it will stay that way.
Natasha: But why can't we see him?
Fearless Leader: Because I told you to leave.
Boris: That doesn't tell us anything.
Fearless Leader: If you fail to leave in one minute, Gidney and Cloyd will scrooch you!
Boris: But the space aliens don't work for you.
Natasha: And I saw them earlier. They were trick or treating.
Fearless Leader: I will hire them, and then they will scrooch you!
Boris and Natasha: Yes, boss.
Narrator: The dastardly duo run off somewhere in less than one minute, out of fear that they could be frozen by the space explorers' ray guns.
Mr. Big: Hello, boss. What did you do to scare them this time?
Fearless Leader: I told them they would be scrooched by Gidney and Cloyd. Of course, this proves how gullible those numbskulls are. Only an idiot would get themselves scrooched, right, Mr. Big?
Mr. Big: ...
Fearless Leader: Mr. Big?
Mr. Big: ...Gidney and Cloyd scrooched me a few hours ago. It was in, "Ghost to Coast".
Fearless Leader: Bwahahahahaha!
Mr. Big: What's so funny?!?
Fearless Leader: And I though Boris and Natasha were stupid.
Mr. Big: Stop laughing at me or else!!
Fearless Leader: Sorry, I'll stop laughing at you... *snickers*.
Mr. Big: Will you shut up and tell me why you wanted me to come here?!?
Fearless Leader: Hehehheh- oh, er, the meeting. I ordered you here because I want you to dump these boxes into the lake.
Mr. Big: What is in the boxes?
Fearless Leader: Something that is top secret. No one should know about this.
Mr. Big: But you know what's in them.
Fearless Leader: Yes, but no one else does. It is at utmost importance to hide the contents of these boxes because they cancel the effects of the secret formula.
Mr. Big: So you are saying that we can't tell anyone about this.
Fearless Leader: Exactly. We especially can't tell the reporters and Moose and Squirrel.
Mr. Big: I understand the reporters, but why not Moose and Squirrel?
Fearless Leader: Moose and Squirrel have ruined every evil scheme in my entire career as a villain! Every last one of them!
Mr. Big: I know how you feel. They have ruined two of my evil plans.
Fearless Leader: You only had two of them? Quitter.
Mr. Big: I resent that!
Narrator: While the villains argue about their past attempts to commit evil schemes, Rocky takes note of the mysterious parcels.
Rocky: *whispers* What do you think it is?
Bullwinkle: I don't know, but there's only one way to find out.
Chauncey: *whispers* He's going to peek in the boxes while they're distracted?
Edgar: *whispers* Yeah, I guess he's going to do something intelligent.
Bullwinkle: *shouts* Hey, can you tell us what's in the boxes? You know, so we can use them to stop your plans for world domination?
Edgar: Or not.
Narrator: Well, Bullwinkle screwed up another search for clues.
Chauncey: He screwed us over, too.
Narrator: Will our heroes and reporters be caught and unable to stop Fearless Leader from taking over the world? Or will our villains be distracted enough to allow them to escape? Hopefully the latter will occur, but stay tuned next time for, "An Eerie Predicament" or "A Matter of Life and Depth".