"This is going to be awesome Haley," I bounce a little excited as we walk down the sidewalk. "We get out of school on Friday and today we get out early for pep-rally."
"Yeah…great…" Haley's tone flat as she nervously bounced on her feet.
"You don't sound pleased, Hales," I frown and twist on my feet into her. "If you don't want to cheer, you don't have too. I don't want you to feel forced doing it," I tell her because I remember when I was younger my parents always made me do things I didn't want. Whether it was dance or piano or when my father thought it would be great for me to take up French because I should be fluent in another language.
Which I will say I never learned.
But all in all I wouldn't make her do something if it truly made her uncomfortable and she hated it.
"No, it's not that. It's just…that's a lot of time to spend with Morgan and girls who hate me," she gave a light shrug and bit down on her lip. "I mean, at practice so far she has been nice, but I don't believe it. It feels like she is plotting something."
"She isn't plotting anything, Hales." I reassure that I know without a doubt. Well, not plotting on Hales, me that's a different story. She has been making my life hell, making me do almost impossible stunts, putting me through crazy workouts and when I'm off a hair she makes me run about fifteen laps I don't need. Girl hates me and I'm still unsure why. Probably because I don't care what she says or because I embarrassed her my first day. Either way I don't care. I can handle it. "She isn't stupid; she doesn't want to mess with me."
"I don't get her issue with you," Haley reads my mind as we walk up the steps to the old cafe. "I mean, other than that first day, you have been nice," she walks inside and I release a laugh.
"Yeah nice, let's go with that, Hales," I shake my head as we move toward the counter. "Let's forget all the under the breath comments I make when she is on my couch with my brother."
"That's not your fault, those are funny," she defends and I can't help the loud laugh the escapes me. I love Haley James, in the last couple months of being here, I can honestly admit she has turned into one of the closest friends I've ever had and it's genuine. She truly cares about people and their feelings, about me and my feelings.
"Hey girls," we look up to see Karen coming from the back with a smile on her face. "How are you two?"
"Great," Haley answers for us and I just step up to read the menu, as if I might actually get something different. "Just starving. Skipped out of that nasty school lunch in hopes of something better," she explains, this being an ongoing thing over the last few weeks. Haley James has come out of her shell, I'll tell you.
"Well, let's see what we can do," she starts typing into the computer and before we know it we hear our order print out in the back. "Give me fifteen minutes and it will be up."
"Thanks Karen," I hand over the cash, ignoring when she tries to give me change, taking out drinks and heading to sit in a booth in the back.
"You know, Brooke, sooner or later you have to let me buy lunch," Haley puts her bag down and takes a seat in front of me. "Or buy you...something," her hand flips around and my eyes roll.
"Hales, my parents have more money than they do sense and because of it I will spend it on what I want," I inform her, honestly not caring about what I spend. Plus, I'm sure they aren't going to go bankrupt because I buy Haley's lunch once or twice a week. They won't miss a daily total of four bucks.
"If you say so," Haley shrugs and I catch her go off into space and I twist looking at her.
"Something on your mind, Tutor Girl?" I wonder and she bites her lip, pulling it into her mouth thinking. "Hales..."
"You ever..." she stares at her cup before looking back up at me." Ever have something, something great and just loose it and you not realizing you miss it until you kinda get a taste of it again?"
"Yeah, kinda," I tell her knowing I didn't realize how much I missed my brother and this stupid town until I was forced back into it, but I have a feeling she isn't talking about family and school and cheer. "I know sometimes we push feelings and thoughts deep down and sometimes they start to stir up before we can stop it."
"Yeah..." she glances away and I wait a moment before speaking again.
"Something stirring up in you, Hales?"
"A little," she releases a dry laugh and starts to shake her head. "It's stupid..."
"If you are feeling something and it's bothering you, it's not stupid," I make clear and she forces a smile and scratches her brow as she glances off. "Why don't you just say it?"
"Because then it's out there and if I say it out loud I'll hear just how dumb it actually is and then I'll have to admit-"
"That you like Nathan," I finish for her and watch as she cowards back in her seat.
"Am I that obvious?"
"Not in the least," I tell her because it's true, if it wasn't the fact I paid a creepy amount of attention to the two I wouldn't notice. Yet, I'm choosing to focus on them so I don't have to address the weirdness that is between me and Mr. Scott. Still pissed at him. "But I watch you, I watch him.'
"Him? Why would you watch him?"
"Because he stares a lot," I tell her and laugh a little that makes her smile.
"No-"
"Yes, he does," I interrupt her and her eyes cast downward. "It's like he always keeps a safe distance but he watches you. At practice, in class. One guy makes an off handed comment about how hot your ass is and he smacks them so hard they feel it a few days later."
"Does he?" hope perks in her and I nod because it's true. I wouldn't say it if it wasn't, I wouldn't give her false hope if I didn't think there was a chance for any.
"All the time," I promise and she bites her lip to hide her smile. "What happened with you two? I mean, I feel like it's more than what you two say."
"It-"
"Here you go girls," Karen arrives at our table with the food in a bag. "Put some extra stuff in there and also would ya'll mind dropping this off for Lucas?" she holds up a third bag and I shift a bit nervous. "I know he doesn't eat right, lives off vending machines food and weird string things he eats way to much of," her mother side shines through and I smile a bit, must be nice.
"Sure, Mrs. Roe," Haley grabs it and I silently curse Karen's timing because I just watch every wall in Haley shoot up. She won't tell me now, probably take some more time.
"Thanks, and Brooke," she pauses mid step back to look at me. "Missed you the last couple weeks for dinner. I hope you come by tonight for it?" she asks and I wish she didn't. If she only knew why I was avoiding that place and everywhere else like the plague.
"I'll see what's going on," I force a smile and watch her read me a moment before nodding.
"See you at eight," she more orders and I know my night's plans are set. Damn it.
"So I'll see you at lunch?" Haley comments as we walk back into the school and I nod. "Cool, I'll drop this off with Mr. Scott and then-"
"Haley," we look up to see the assistant principal walking toward us and I swear Haley looks like she is about to shit herself. "Mr. Turner needs to see you."
"Uh," Haley tosses a look between us and her mouth runs dry and she swallows hard. "Ok..." she nervously passes the bag to me and I resist everything in me that says scream to her please don't make me take this to Lucas. For the love of all that is holy don't make me walk into that room alone. "B, drop this off please."
"Ok," I look back at Mr. Steal, who looks more than impatient at the moment. "See you at lunch," I speak, knowing there is no way Haley is getting in trouble. I mean, anything she has done it has been with me and if I'm not in trouble there is no way she is.
"Bye," I give her a reassuring smile and she nervously walks down the hall almost zombie like, as if she is being led to her death.
"Ok," I breathe out a long breath and slowly start to move toward my English class. Pausing outside the door, I curse when I glance in to notice he has a free period and is sitting there snacking on chips and then smile as I catch him suck down some 'string thing' covered in sugar. Giving a light knock, I allow myself two minutes of him not answering before I trash the food or give it to a homeless man and sprint away. However, annoyingly when I get to a minute thirty, he clears his throat and mutters a come in.
Asshole and stupid slow time counting.
Pushing the door open, I think he is more shocked when he glances up to see me standing there and trust me, I'm feeling the same way.
"Brooke..."
"Your mom asked me to drop this off," I ignore him and move toward his desk and drop the food down and step back like it's a bomb. "Well, Haley was going to, but she had to go to the principal, but I don't think she is in trouble," I mumble out and his brows pull as he starts to unfold the bag on his desk.
"Well that's good," he peers inside the bag and slowly starts to pull out the meal his mom prepared.
"I assume," I scratch my neck before awkwardly giving a wave. "Well see ya," I spin on my feet and move to the door, fast enough to get out within seconds, but slow enough so he doesn't know I'm losing my confidence.
"Brooke..." he calls and I feel his voice tickle on my neck as I pause mid reach of the door. "Wait..." I hear his chair move back and turn to see him rising up. "Just wait," he asks, and I chew my lip as I cross my hands over one another.
"What, Mr. Scott? What?"
"Can we stop this?" he pleads annoyed and leans back on his desk. "This tip toeing around each other. You're pissed at me, I get it. I screwed up something..."
"Something? You screwed up something?" I repeat what he said and can't help the bite in my tone. "I mean, really Lucas? Seriously?"
"Look, I know something isn't right with you," he speaks and my eyes widen at that. "Not what I meant," he holds his hand up in defense and I pull in a steady breath through the front of my teeth. "But just...just talk to me..." he pleads and my gaze drops down. "Please, help me understand you. Help me get it."
"Are you kidding me?" my temper rises and my hands go up. "Lucas, you think what happened, whatever happened, was because I'm screwed up and want attention? Because I can't find a normal relationship with a person my age? I'm so screwed up I go after you?"
"Brooke, look-"
"Don't, don't you talk to me like I'm some child. Like, I'm a little girl begging for daddy to pay attention to her. And please don't flatter yourself Lucas; don't see yourself as some knight in shining armor coming to protect the poor little screwed up girl."
"Brooke, I didn't say that and you know I don't mean it that way," his tone flips sharp and I deflate my anger a fraction. "I just want to help you. I'm so sorry I give a damn and worry about you," he scuffs and spins on his feet and moves toward an empty space in the room. "I shouldn't have said that," his head drops and I tangle my fingers together and bite my lip. "I really wish I didn't," he speaks to himself and I'm unsure if he meant he wish he didn't care and worry or he wished he didn't say it. Either way I don't know how to respond.
"Well why do you?" I hesitantly ask and give a light shrug. "Why do you even care so much what I do? The shit I get into? I could drive off a cliff tomorrow and who truly would give a damn."
"That's not funny," he snaps at me and my mouth slams shut. "You just… you aren't Brooke."
"I told you Lucas, I'm not-"
"I know you're not a kid anymore, but the core of a person doesn't change. And for the life of me I'm going crazy with myself trying to figure it all out," he tells me and I pull in a long breath and hold it in. "You're driving me nuts, Brooke."
"I'm not meaning too," I sway more into the class room and give a shrug as I drop beside him on the desk. "Not like you're a walk in the park, though," I mumble to him and he releases a deep chuckle. Looking down at our hands a few inches apart, I swear I'm going to freak out at how close his damn pinky is to me.
"Can I ask you something?" he asks and I turn my head to look at him. "And you be honest, completely honest?" he asks and I give a nervous nod, unsure of what he might say. "Who's Michael?" he looks down at me and I feel my body begin to tense. "Talk to me Brooke," he places his hand on top of mine, his thumb stroking back and forth.
"I wasn't always like this," I tell him, cursing myself for getting upset. "When I first left I was still shy and quiet and didn't bother anyone because I thought if I was good they would let me come back home," I let a dry laugh out at that thought. "But weeks passed and then months and no one would talk to me and Tony completely cut me out of his life, well at the time that's what I thought and I had no one. So I thought if my parents thought I was this troubling teen I would become a troubling teen."
"Cause then you get their attention."
"I wasn't getting it by being good," I point out and he lets out a half smile. "But I got into a group of friends that weren't… ideal and before I knew it I was always out and getting into trouble and doing so many things I weren't proud of at all."
"Like?"
"Like drinking and some drugs, nothing major but I did become one of those try anything once people," I let out a small laugh, dropping my gaze to my notebook in front of me. "Then guys, I did lots of things I'm not proud of and I'm sure I was the definition of a slut. I couldn't even try to hide it, if there was a rumor it was probably true, if girls called me names for sleeping with their boyfriends I couldn't argue it because I had and when guys would just show up or ask me out because they knew what their night would hold I didn't try to change their opinion."
"Brooke…" he looks down at me and I know he is judging, he may not want to but you can't hear what I'm telling him any not judge me.
"Well being as I was out so much I started to flunk, well every class," I take my hand from out under his and start playing with his fingers. "So the Dean suggested I get a tutor, I was so pissed. I didn't want to spend my time with some person who thought I was a complete idiot. I already had my mind set that I wasn't going to really care what the tutor said or what they wanted because I'm not an idiot. I know everyone thinks it but I'm not," I look up at him so tired of people thinking I'm stupid.
"I don't think you are," he gives a gentle smile. "I think you are very bright and can do anything you want," his smile and tone sending a wave through me.
"That's what he said," I smile at the memory. "When I walked into the room there were so many people and half of them knew me and the other half have been around when I've done something stupid, if I hadn't done it with them. Yet there was this one boy and god I still remember what he was wearing and doing," I look up and stare straight recalling him. "He had on a white polo shirt and a pair of these real old, torn jeans with holes running all through them and these ugly flip flops that looked just as bad as his jeans. His hair was black, his face clean shaven and sitting on the bridge of his nose were these thick glasses that proved just how blind he was and he looked up at me," my voice completely cracks. "And he smiled."
"Brooke…" Lucas reaches up and knocks a tear I didn't know fell.
"God I thought for a nerd he was pretty cute but I was still pissed," I let out a broken laugh. "So I walk on over and drop down next to him…" I tell him, the memory taking over.
"You must be Brooke," he looks happy and I have a complete bored look on my face. "I'm Michael," he extends his hand and I look down at it like it's some sort of disease. "Ok lesson one," he keeps on smiling, reaching my hand that is resting on the table and grabbing it before I can say anything. "You shake hands when someone offers it," he informs me, bringing our hands together and giving it a shake.
"I'm not stupid," I yank my hand back giving him a glare.
"Didn't say you were," he winks behind those glasses and looks down at his papers in front of him. "Because if you were stupid you wouldn't have done so well on this test," he holds up my last econ test that has a fifty four written across the top in big red writing.
"Look jackass…"
"You're not stupid," he leans over in his chair, placing his hand on top of mine, my eyes squinting into a glare as I look down at his hand. "I have no doubt you are smart Brooke, I just think you need someone to help you."
"And what that's you? You are just going to magically make my grades better?"
"No," he shook his head. "You are going to change your grades, I'm just here when you need help," he smiles, giving my hand a pat. "And if you want to reward me…" my head flies up to look at him. "With cookies each week I won't be upset."
"Cookies?" I crease my brow thinking that was the last thing I thought he would offer.
"Yeah, I like cookies," he removes his hand and shuffles through my papers. "I mean find me someone who doesn't and I will call that bullshit," he winks at me, a sparkle in his eye. "Now let's do this studying thing," he stands up and grabs all his stuff.
"Aren't we supposed to study here? I mean where are you going?" I look at I'm completely confused.
"I don't like studying in libraries, people get so pissed when you talk, I like talking," he slings his old backpack over his shoulder. "So come on, chop-chop, study to do, cookies to receive," he informs me, walking off and leaving me a moment alone completely confused. "Brooke!" he yells across the room, way too many eyes snapping onto him and giving him a shh.
"Oh," I stand up and follow over to him.
"See that," he shakes his head pushing the swinging door open. "So angry with talking," he smiles and even I'm surprised when I laugh.
"He was always smiling," I tell him, wiggling my nose a little to stop if from burning so much. "And at first it was just someone I could talk to you know? He made me laugh and he didn't treat me how I was normally treated by other guys, even though he knew what I had done he didn't seem to care. He liked me, he got to know me," I look up at him and he gives me a nod understanding. "And I changed for him, because I wanted to be someone who was good enough for him. He was different, he treated me different. He didn't even kiss me until our third actual date and he never focused on things in our relationships unless I wanted it. Even knowing I had slept with many people he didn't care that I wanted to wait, a month, two months it didn't faze him and when we finally did it was perfect, being with him was perfect, he was perfect."
I look back down; closing my eyes and remembering the feelings I got by being with him. The way he smelled, the way he touched me and held me, how he kissed me and I curse every day that it keeps getting harder and harder to remember.
"I told him I loved him. I just was sitting there watching him work on some homework and I just watched him and I just said I love you and he looked back at me, gave me that signature grin and goes 'well that's good because loving someone and them not loving me back would just suck,' and then he kissed me."
"He seems like a good guy."
"He was the best guy," my head snaps up to look at him. "Michael Black was the most amazing guy I've ever met."
"So what happened, Brooke? Why do you never talk about him or why do you have his name tattooed on you and get so angry when it gets mentioned?" he wonders I know thinking about when I snapped at Morgan that day at my house, stupid bitch.
"Michael had this best friend, Camden," I tell him. "And they had known each other since grade school and at first we got along, but when we started to get real serious he started to turn against me. His whole attitude was completely different and I could never figure it out. I thought it was because I was just taking his best friend away but Michael would laugh and say ignore him, he was just moody," I let out a laugh standing up and walking over to the window.
"Brooke…" Lucas walks up behind me as I stand quietly looking out the window. "Brooke," he leans up against the window next to me. "It's ok, talk to me," he knocks away another tear.
"I noticed things but didn't, you know? I would notice how he would get tired easily but he was so happy all the time. How he was so big on me going to class but he was so whatever to it. He was senior so he should have been more into it you know? He wouldn't let things get to him though, he would laugh all the time and just say 'don't sweat the little things'," I quote the old line I heard so many times from him. "But he would always make me promise that I had to finish school and that he wanted me to do what was best for me always, that he believed in me and knew I would be great."
And I fall silent again closing my eyes and picturing him again, his smile, god his amazing smile and those dark eyes that held such a mystery to him, god I loved him so much.
"One night I was studying for a final that I had the next day and I was so upset with him because I called him a million times and he wouldn't answer and I would leave a message and I was such a bitch. I was so mean to him because he wouldn't answer his phone and because he promised to come over and he wasn't there and then the last time I called Camden answered," my voice shatters. "He says that Michael wasn't ok, that he was in the hospital."
"Things aren't good Brooke," Camden himself sounding so broken on the other line. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do but he told me not to say anything to you but I…"
"Camden…" I cut him off. "Tell me what's wrong? Please," I beg, my heart already racing.
"When Michael's mom was about seven months pregnant she went in for a routine check-up but they found something wrong with him. They had found a large lump on his back but they couldn't do anything about it until he was born."
"I don't get what you are saying Camden, I don't understand."
"Michael had cancer Brooke," he tells me straight forward and my heart drops into my stomach.
"What?"
"They thought they had got it all and he was better and he was until this year," he tells me and I just keep shaking my head knowing that wasn't right, it couldn't be right. "It came back Brooke and I don't think it's going away this time."
"That's not true, you're lying, that's not true," I grow angry with him for saying something like that. "I'm with him all the time I would know, Michael would not lie to me about something like this."
"He didn't lie, Brooke, you never asked and he didn't want you knowing," his voice sounding so caring, sounding in a way that he has never talked to me before. "He really does love you; he never wanted to hurt you."
"Will you stop," I order standing up from my bed. "Stop talking like that, Michael is fine. I don't get why you are being like this."
"Brooke…" he sighs. "You should come see him. I'll come pick you up."
"No!" I snap not meaning to. "I'm sorry but no, I don't want you coming to get me. I…I just need to think."
"Brooke…"
"I need to think Camden, I just…I can't…" I shake my head hanging up the phone, a sudden feeling of not being able to breathe taking over me.
"Brooke…" Lucas places his hand on my shoulder and steps closer.
"He had good and bad days," I tell him, not even trying to stop the tears anymore. "And he stayed alive longer than anyone thought he would but it wasn't fair you know?" I turn to look at him. "I mean I never asked for anything ever and I know I'm not the best person ever but Michael was a great person. He never did wrong by anyone and I don't get why they took him away from me. Why did he leave me? What is wrong with me? Why do I lose everything important to me? Am I that terrible of a person?"
"No, no, no," Lucas shakes his head, quickly pulling me into him. "Brooke you are an amazing person," he holds me close as I let out a sob into his chest. "Michael is gone and I know that hurts, god I understand but you are here, you can't stop living because he did," his soothing voice rings through me as he kisses the top of my head, running his fingers through my hair.
"I have no one, he was all I had," I cry and he starts shaking his head no.
"No," he pulls out of hugging me to look at me. "You have so many people Brooke," he pushes the hair that is clinging to my face away. "You have Tony and Haley, I've never seen that girl open up like she has since knowing you," he points out taking my face in his hands as he wipes away my tears. "You have me," he gives a slight shrug looking me.
"Lucas…" I slide my hands to rest on his sides.
"God Brooke," he leans his forehead against mine and closes his eyes.
"Lucas…" my breath rushes over his lips in a whisper and his eyes close tighter. "It's ok," I run the back of my fingertips across his jaw, feeling the muscles tighten then release. "I promise," I tip up on my toes, his forehead still against mine as I slowly lift my chin brush my lips against his.
I feel the sigh that escapes his mouth as I nibble slightly on his bottom lip, begging him to return the kiss I so desperately want. Snaking my arms around his neck I push my mouth harder against his before running my tongue along his bottom lip and sucking it between mine, thanking everything when he finally loses his inner battle and returns the pressure.
It's not a pity kiss; it's not a rushed my feelings are hurt kiss. It's true and it's honest and for the first time since Michael, this little kiss makes me feel something.
Stumbling a few steps I feel when my lower back hits the window seal behind me, Lucas slipping his arms around me and picking me up to sit along the small slightly uncomfortable piece of wood. However when I feel his tongue part my lips and stroke his with mine, the uncomfortable feeling of my ass quickly vanishes.
Threading my fingers through his hair, his hands gripping tight on my hips and his tongue doing a dance and sucking on mine I feel myself get dizzy. Almost like a tingling feeling that starts in my toes and races up to the tip of my head and makes me light headed and as weird as it feels I enjoy it, enjoy the feeling I never thought I would feel again.
"Brooke…" he rips away from me, panting heavy and his lips swollen, a slight hint of lust in his eyes I see before he shakes his head and it vanishes.
"Lucas…" I reach for him but he takes a step back, his hand touching over his lips as he shakes his head. "Lucas please…" I hop off the seal while he moves to his desk and shovels all his things into his briefcase.
"Go home Brooke," he orders me, doesn't even lift a glance as he heads towards the door.
"Lucas please, I'm sorry," my voice sounding so weak, so not like me but making him freeze at the door. "I'm…sorry…" I repeat and I swear the look in his eyes breaks me. It's a mix of regret and pain and hate all in one and I wish to everything a hole would open up and swallow me whole. Yet, he doesn't say anything, just looks at me, holds that painful gaze way longer than I wish and turns and moves out the door. Leaving me just feeling completely stupid.
Hope you enjoyed!
Please Review!