Disclaimer: I do not own Cats or any of the characters, save the ones I create for the purpose of this story. I gain nothing from the writing of this, it is simply for my own pleasure and the pleasure of those who read it.
She stared in fear as he backed away from her. When she felt a paw on her shoulder she hissed. "Get away from me." So much hurt in those gentle eyes, hurt put there by her...
Solstice bolted awake and stared around herself before relaxing. "It was just a dream." She closed her eyes, intending to go back to sleep, when she realized it wasn't just a dream, it really happened. A soft whimper escaped her, disturbing the queen who was dozing nearby.
"Solstice? What's wrong?" A week and a half had passed since the young queen was rescued and most of the bandages were gone. The shallow cuts were healing nicely and would eventually fade, but Solstice wouldn't come out of this without some scars. There was a deep gash across her stomach and another on her right hip that would heal, but she would always bear the marks.
Solstice looked up at Demeter and felt tears stinging her eyes. "I hurt Jennyanydots... how could I do that to her? She's nothing... like Freya."
Demeter relaxed. "It's okay, you weren't in the right frame of mind. Jenny knew that."
She felt stiff but when she tried to stretch it hurt. "How long has it been?" she asked. They'd kept her asleep for the most part so she could heal.
"A week and a half. Now, before you get upset, we felt that what you needed more than anything was rest."
Solstice sighed. "That's why I feel so stiff... and hungry."
Demeter laughed softly. "I'll go get you something to eat."
"Thank you. Demeter, if you see Jenny..."
"I'll let her know you want to see her. Tumble's here too. He hasn't really left the infirmary since you were rescued."
Her eyes widened. "I can't... not yet." She felt dirty, vile, how could she ever be good enough for him now?
"It's going to be okay Solstice, just give it time," Demeter said before leaving.
Jenny was making Tumble eat something when Demeter came out to the front of the infirmary. Both cats looked up at her expectantly. "She's awake, really awake, and she's hungry."
"Thank Heaviside, I was really beginning to get worried about her," Jenny said. Solstice had barely eaten anything since her rescue and if she didn't start eating soon she might not get better.
"I know, that was my thought too. She's asking for you Jenny."
The older queen's eyes widened a bit before she brushed off her paws and went to see what her patient needed.
Tumble watched Jenny go sadly. Solstice didn't ask for him and it made his ears droop just a bit. "What about me? Can I see her Deme?"
Demeter looked at him, saw the sadness in his eyes, and felt so bad for him. "Not yet Tumble. She's still too shaken up."
Tumblebrutus growled. "How can I prove that I love her if she won't even see me Demeter? How can I make her see that I just want to make her smile again if I'm not allowed back there?"
"It's going to take time Tumble. You can't rush something like this. It took weeks before I'd let Munkustrap near me, much less touch me, and she went through so much more than I did."
Demeter was the one who would pull Solstice into a comforting embrace when the medicine began to wear off and the nightmares started. She'd already been told by Jenny that Solstice had suffered serious damage, but that knowledge hadn't prepared her for the nightmare ramblings as Solstice relived those events. As far as Demeter knew, the only ones who knew the full extent of damage were her, Jennyanydots, and Jellylorum. "You have to give her more time Tumble. She's been through some things you can't even begin to imagine."
"I know what he did to her Demeter. I -saw- what he was doing to her when I rushed into the room. I love her, I just want to help her heal."
The black and gold queen stared at him a moment. "I can only imagine what you're going through. We've all been so worried about her, we never thought..."
"Yeah, well, it doesn't matter right? Solstice was the one who was hurt. I just happened to see a little of it. I just want to hold her Deme. I want to help her forget."
"You'll get to Tumble, just be patient a little while longer."
Jenny tentatively entered the back area, not wanting to upset the younger queen. "Hello dear. Demeter said you were asking for me."
Solstice scooted up when Jenny walked in. She hung her head at the memory of the hurt she'd caused. "I'm so sorry… about how I acted. I knew you weren't like her but... I was so..."
"It's alright dear. You were hurting and you were scared, no harm done." Jenny sat down next to her. "How do you feel?"
"Weak," she said quietly. "And hungry. That's a good thing though, right?"
"That's a very good thing. You haven't eaten much and you need to regain your strength." Jenny looked at her a moment. "You have a very devoted tom sitting out there stubbornly refusing to leave."
Solstice swallowed. "I can't see him..."
"Shh now, no need to get worked up. No one is going to make you do anything you're not ready to do."
"How can he even want to look at me now?" she whispered.
"Because he loves you dear," Jenny said simply.
Solstice hung her head in shame. She couldn't face him, not now, maybe not ever again.
Demeter carried a dish of cream in one paw and some fish in the other. It was a balancing act really, getting the food to Solstice without dropping anything. "Here we go. This should hold you until later." She set both down for the ginger queen and smiled when Solstice dug in. She and Jenny talked quietly while Solstice ate.
"I think it might do a lot of good if we start letting her have visitors. I know Jemima, Electra, and Etcetera have been anxious to see for themselves that she's really here," Jennyanydots said.
Demeter glanced at the younger queen. "I think you're right. It might help her with other things if she starts seeing her friends."
Even though they were being quiet about it Solstice heard them. "I'd like to see them," she said quietly. "I also want to thank you, Demeter, for... staying with me like you have. I know it couldn't have been easy." It no doubt brought back some memories the black and gold queen didn't want to remember.
"You're welcome. You needed someone who could understand what you went through and that was me."
"I still don't understand why you did it." Her voice was so soft it was barely audible.
Demeter looked at her and recognized the lost look in Solstice's yellow eyes. It was the same look she once had in her own eyes. "I told you Solstice, you're a Jellicle and Jellicles help each other. I'm going to go let the kittens know they can come visit, then I'm going to go see my mate."
Five minutes later, three excited voices were heard approaching the infirmary. Demeter had informed the princesses they could visit their friend as long as they didn't upset her and all three rushed over. Etcetera and Electra rushed towards the back, barely stopping to wave at the young tom who was curled up in a corner looking miserable. Jemima, however, saw him and went to him. "Tumble? Are you okay?"
Tumble looked up at her and tried to smile. "Yeah," he said but at the look she gave him he shook his head. "No, not really," he admitted.
"What's wrong?" she asked, concern in her voice.
"I'd give anything to be the one going in there right now. She doesn't want to see me Jemi, she doesn't want me near her."
Jemima gave her friend a comforting hug. "You know she loves you Tumble. Maybe I can talk to her, find out why she doesn't want you in there."
"Would you? It hurts so much Jemi. I just want to hold her."
"I know you do. I'll talk to her." She nuzzled him and continued on to the back room.
Solstice sat curled up on the bed with Etcetera and Electra on each side of her. Etcetera was being her usual hyper self and rambling on a mile a minute. She didn't seem to notice that her friend was stressed out by all the chatter.
"Etty, give Solstice a minute to think," Jemima said when she saw the panicked look in her friend's eyes.
Ectetera looked up and squeaked before smiling sheepishly. "I'm sorry, I'm just so happy you're awake. I guess I got a little carried away."
"It's okay Etty," Solstice said softly. "I'm just... I'm still shaken up I guess." She looked down at the bandage that still covered her hip and felt tears in her eyes. She shuddered at the memory that assailed her. She'd gotten that particular wound when she wouldn't fight back.
Jemima saw the shudder and having sat down across from Solstice, she leaned over and nuzzled her. "It's okay, you're safe now. It's okay to cry Solstice, we won't think less of you for it."
Solstice buried her face in her paws and cried silently. When she felt her friends nuzzling her she let go of the grief and really cried. It felt good to let it out and know it wouldn't be used against her later.
After the crying stopped Jemima licked her friend's fur to smooth it. "Feel better?" she asked.
Solstice nodded. "Yeah, thanks you three."
"You don't need to thank us, you're our friend," Electra said.
"Yeah, that's what friends do," Etcetera added.
They talked for a little while longer before Electra and Etcetera had to leave. Once they were gone Jemima gave Solstice a thoughtful look.
"What?" Solstice asked nervously.
"Do you love him?"
"Huh?" she was confused by the sudden question.
"Tumble, do you love him?"
Solstice wouldn't look at her. "Yes," she finally answered.
"Then why won't you let him come in here? He has been sitting out there since they rescued you, he refuses to leave, and it's destroying him to think you don't love him now."
"I can't Jemi. I'm not good enough for him, not now."
"Yes you are Solstice, you're still you."
"No, you don't understand... you don't know. They thought I was asleep, but I heard them. I may never be able to mate Jemi. He deserves a queen who can give him a family, not this damaged thing that I am."
"Shouldn't that be Tumble's decision to make?"
"You just don't understand. I can't, I just can't Jemi. Please go, I think I need to rest."
Jemima nodded and left quietly and once she was gone Solstice curled on her side and cried herself to sleep.
Tumblebrutus looked up when Jemima came out. The look on her face made the hope he'd been harboring fade and his ears droop. If Jemima couldn't get through to Solstice, who could?
"I don't know what they did to her but she's hurt and she's scared. She doesn't think she's good enough for you now. She thinks you deserve better."
"There's no one better than Solstice," he said vehemently.
"I knew that's what you'd say. Don't worry, I haven't given up. You better not either."
"Never. I'm crazy about that little queen."
Jemima smiled and left him to his thoughts.
Over the next week Jemima, Etcetera, and Electra visited every day. When Jenny finally decided she was well enough to leave the infirmary Solstice panicked. She felt safe there, she didn't want to leave, but she knew she had to; she couldn't stay there forever.
She hesitantly stepped outside the infirmary and almost bolted back inside. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath to calm herself, opened her eyes again, and stepped away. Of course Jemi, Etty, and Lectra were there to greet her, but so were Tumblebrutus, Pouncival, and Mistoffolees. The toms were staying back a bit so she wouldn't panic and bolt and for that she was grateful.
"It's nice to see you up and about," Misto said, watching the skittish queen. Etty was right, Solstice was really shook up still. None of them were aware of what exactly happened to Solstice while she was with Macavity, so they didn't fully understand why she was still so skittish.
"What... are all of you doing here?" Solstice asked.
"We're here to keep you from feeling lonely," Jemi answered. She knew Solstice was going to be nervous about having to leave the infirmary.
Solstice smiled faintly. "Thanks." She looked at Tumble and her heart felt like it was breaking. She loved him but she wasn't good enough for him anymore.
Jemima nudged her friend to get her attention. "We have a surprise for you. Come on."
She followed hesitantly, watching Tumble from the corner of her eye. She missed their closeness but she would have to get used to that. She couldn't be the queen he loved, she couldn't have that closeness with him again.
Pouncival was being his usual self and accidentally bumped into Solstice. He started to apologize but her reaction cut him off.
When she realized it was Pouncival and not Etcetera who'd bumped into her Solstice snapped. "Don't touch me," she hissed, eyes widening and claws unsheathing. It took her a second to realize that first, it was an accident, and second Pouncival wouldn't hurt her. Once she realized it she started to calm down.
The young tom stared at her, mouth agape. "I... I... sorry, I wasn't going to hurt you or anything."
Jemima was suddenly there and she wrapped a comforting arm around Solstice. She felt Solstice bury her face against her and she licked the top of her head to calm her. "It's okay, just be careful Pounce."
Solstice looked up and shook her head. "No... I'm sorry. I just... you scared me is all."
"It was my fault, not yours. I'll be more careful," Pounce said sheepishly.
When they reached her den she blinked. "Wasn't this... in a different part of the junkyard?" She could have sworn it was.
"It was. We moved it, so you'd feel safer," Tumble murmured.
Solstice looked at him and her lips flickered in a faint smile. "Thank you." It did make her feel a little safer, being closer to the others.
They all sat down outside, though Solstice kept away from the toms, and talked a little. Then Misto got an idea. Sparks flew from his claws as he started doing little tricks to entertain them. Granted it was mostly for Solstice's benefit, but they all enjoyed it.
Tumble watched Solstice, who huddled away from the others, even if only a little, and he wanted so badly to wrap his arms around her. He ached to comfort her, ached to erase the pain from her eyes. She wouldn't let him though. He felt rage again towards the ones who'd hurt her so deeply.
He scooted closer to her, not enough to scare her but enough for him to speak softly. "I would do anything, give anything, to erase the pain they caused. No, hear me out please," he said when she started to interrupt him. "I love you Solstice, but I know you need space right now. I'm willing to wait however long it takes. I won't push you into something you're uncomfortable with. I just needed you to know that," he said softly. Then he got up and slipped away, unnoticed by all but Solstice.
Misto was winding down from his magic tricks when they all realized Tumblebrutus was gone. "Hey, where's Tumble?" Mistoffolees asked.
"He left, a while ago," Solstice answered.
"Left? Why?" Pouncival asked curiously.
"Because of me," she whispered.
"What happened Solstice?" Jemima asked, looking at her friend.
"I don't know. He said... he loved me, that he wouldn't pressure me, then he left." She wrapped her arms around her legs and pulled them to her chest. "I don't know what I did. I told you, I'm no good anymore Jemi."
Misto knelt down close, but not too close, and looked at her. "You're not to blame for what those monsters did to you Solstice. They hurt you, they did unthinkable things to you, but none of it is your fault."
"I should have been able to stop them... I should have..." She closed her eyes. "I couldn't have stopped them though. They were too strong."
"No, you couldn't have. It's not your fault. If you blame yourself, then you're letting them win Solstice. You're better than that. You're stronger than that. You're a Jellicle. You're better than they could ever hope to be."
The others looked at each other and blinked. Who would have though Misto could be so deep?
She lifted her head and looked at the tomcat. Maybe he was right. "Thank you Misto," she said softly.
"You're welcome." He glanced up at the night sky and sighed. "It's getting late. We should all probably let Solstice get some rest." He figured that way she could have some time to herself.
"Misto's right, it's getting late," Electra said, catching on quickly.
"What? It's not -that- late," Etcetera whined.
"It's late enough Etty," Jemima countered. "Have a good night Solstice," she added before she and Electra looped arms with Etcetera to drag her away, with Misto and Pouncival bringing up the rear.
Solstice watched them go before crawling into her den. Once inside she looked around at the pillows Tumble had acquired for her when he'd put the den together and a soft sob escaped her. She didn't deserve him, she really didn't. He was so kind, so gentle. He deserved a mate who could give him all the things a tom wanted; love, affection, kittens. The mere thought of ever being touched like that again made her shake. She doubted she would ever be comfortable with actually being touched. She wasn't sure she was strong enough to let him go though, and that wasn't fair to him.
Curling up at the back of her den, Solstice clung to one of the pillows for comfort. If she could get up the courage to let him go then the den was the only thing she would have to remind her of what they might have had.
After slipping away, Tumble found a spot far enough from Solstice's den for her to not see him but close enough for him to watch over her. He was giving her space but he wasn't abandoning her. He would sleep nearby just in case. Never again would he let someone hurt her; he'd kill them first.