Prompt 26: Breakable
A/N: Just a quick one before you start. This isn't a future telling story – Lily hasn't seen the future here. This is a fic about Lily in her most vulnerable moments. Longer explanation afterwards.
The hardest part is knowing that she's going to die.
Oh she pretends, like they all do, that there's hope, that this new plan of Dumbledore might actually succeed. She plays along with the rest of them, laughing, talking about what they'll do after the war is over, how nice it will be to visit Diagon Alley again without seeing shadows in every corner. But she knows.
The nights James aren't at home she spends curled up in the large bed with Harry clutched to her chest as he sleeps, sobbing. She can't let James see her like this, he needs her to be strong. She is the optimistic one, she is the bright eyes, the smiles, the gentle words. She is the flashing temper that explodes when someone suggests they might not make it.
James pretends as well. James pretends that he is the strong one, that he is still believing for victory, that they can beat him. She sees the brittle smile, the hurt and fear behind his determination, the hollowness of his laughter. She sees the way he watches Harry as he starts to crawl, as he says his first word, as he gurgles and laughs. She knows that wistful smile, that bittersweet love, the ache of loss. She feels it too. If James knew that she too was slowly crumbling, he would break.
It gets harder when they're forced into isolation. There aren't any more missions or fights to help prolong the false sense of purpose. There aren't any more communications from the outside world, except a rare visit from Dumbledore. They have placed all their hopes, their loves, their future, into the hands of a small boy with a nervous laugh, the same boy who used to hide under his covers whenever there was a thunderstorm.
She feels sick.
James insists it was the right thing to do. It will burst out of his mouth while they're washing up. "It was the right thing to do Lil," he say, swallowing and not meeting her gaze. He'll mutter it after they make love, when they're giving Harry a bath, when Harry started to take his first tentative steps. She doesn't believe him.
By now they're all pretending.
She sits cross legged on their bed, Harry and James playing downstairs with the toy broomstick. She hears a strangled yowl, a loud crash and giggling and knows she should go down there shortly. Instead, she is flicking through the empty pages of the photo album Alice and Frank got her and James when Harry was born. The first few pages are full of photos (Harry's first bath), locks of hair (Harry's first hair cut), filled in answers (Harry's first word – mama). She turns to the page set aside for "Harry's First Day Of School" and feels the tears well up. This page will always stay empty. She knows.
It's Halloween and she is sprinting up the stairs, Harry screaming for his Dada over her shoulder. She hears the laugh, the crashes, the shout of pure rage and anguish from James. She knows he's left his wand on the couch. that there's no hope for her or Harry, but she pretends it will ok.
She's gotten so good at pretending through out this war.
A/N 2: I was having a discussion with a friend (my unofficial Beta) about this fic and she raised some good points.
1. I believe that Lily is a fighter. I don't think that she accepted death per say – I think that when it came time to fight, she fought and she fought gladly. But I also believe that there were moments where she wasn't able to be strong and unbreakable any more and that's what this fic was about.
2. If you've ever been in a situation where you desperately want to believe that everything is going to work out ok and you put on a brave face, you still fight to the very end, even though deep down inside you KNOW that it's not going to be ok…this is what this fic is about
3. About the Secret Keeper thing – I don't think Lily wanted Peter to be their Secret Keeper, but I think that James insisted. Remus and Sirius were always going on about James considered it the height of dishonour to mistrust a friend and I think James would be blinded by that and agree to Sirius's "great plan".