Neela thought about how to approach Abby. She had been especially irritable in the past days and she didn't want to piss her off even more "Abby. Could you help me with the lady in Curtain 4? I can't seem to get any useful info from her…".
Abby didn't even bother to look up from what she was writing "I'm a nurse today. Find Gallant or Morris". She was finishing the nurses' schedule for the following month when Susan appeared from the lounge out of her lab coat.
She grabbed the charts on the rack "Neela… bounce back migraine in 5 when you're finished with your lady in Curtain 4. Run everything with Dr Chen".
Chen passed by and she handed her the remaining charts "Sorry to dump this on you, but I have RN's interviews in ten minutes".
Jing-Mei nodded and smiled "Do you and Chuck want to go out for dinner later? We're thinking that new italian place on Broadway".
Aware that Neela and Abby were in the earshot, Susan lowered her voice "Me and Chuck are done".
Chen raised her eyebrows at her "Again?".
Susan threw her a mock glare "For real, this time. Have fun you two – but not too much, Greg's on the morning shift", she winked and the other woman smiled slyly. She turned and asked "Abby? You ready to go?".
The nurse gathered her files and followed her down the hall. Things had been awkward between them and Susan felt tightness in her chest every time she noticed Abby averting her eyes away from her.
In the elevator, she tried to make small talk "We haven't worked the same shift in a while…" and the brunette nodded absentmindedly "Uh-uh".
Susan looked at Abby's trademark pout and let her mind wander for a second before declaring gently "You've been avoiding me...".
Her words made Abby frown at her "I'm doing exactly what you want".
Susan had called her a number of times after their falling out in the on-call room and Abby hadn't returned any of those calls. She sensed Susan looking at her and she forced herself to look away - those eyes would be her undoing.
The elevator doors opened with a bleeping sound and they walked in silence to the office they used for personnel interviews.
The first candidate was already waiting for them. Abby managed a smile "Nice to meet you, Sam. Abby Lockhart, nurse manager. This is Dr Lewis, our ER chief".
She had been acting out of character for some time now.
First, getting engaged to Dix, then running back to Chicago when she realized she'd spend the rest of her days in the damn desert with someone she couldn't hold a conversation with.
Once settled in Chicago, managing to start a dead-end relationship with Carter like they could be more than just good friends.
Then inviting Abby over for a threesome and turning it into a regular thing, until she realized she couldn't keep it casual because all she could think of were Abby's lips on her.
And as the pièce of résistance – getting married to a guy she met on a flight to Vegas, trying to prove herself that she wasn't already hopelessly in love with a certain brunette.
Alone with her thoughts, Susan admitted she loved her. Acknowledging it aloud was scary and not just because of the jarring thought of everyone knowing about them.
What disturbed her the most was that she didn't want them to sneak around. She wanted them to go on walks by the river, to go ice skating in Millennium Park in the winter. She wanted to be able to hold her hand and kiss her in public if she felt like it.
Abby had that inscrutable thing about her, it was part of her charm. She could see it in her eyes that it wasn't a one sided crush, Abby wanted her too. But she suspected she'd never have the guts to let them be together, become a real couple. Every time she had tried to address the subject, Abby had changed it smoothly.
Susan started to accept that they just weren't on the same page and she had to move on.
Her work was what had kept her sane since med school and she had to focus on that. When things got tough with Chloe, she'd immersed herself in annals and medical textbooks; a broken heart could be mended with a few graveyard shifts.
Susan never wanted status and fancy job titles. She remembered how Mark had offered her chief residency and how she'd declined much to his dismay.
She was the boss now and she had to set the tone. She couldn't be frolicking around with a med student!
Susan asked herself once again why she'd accepted the position.
Of course she knew why she'd accepted it. When scared, Susan ran away. She did it when Mark Greene started looking at her differently, she'd done it with Dix and she was doing it with Abby now.
Years of therapy made her recognize the pattern, even if the reasons in each situation were different.
She was running away from her feelings now because she knew that if Abby rejected her, it would be unbearable to handle. She'd lowered her guard and let Abby in and the result was this crazy mess.
Susan only had herself to blame.
Susan looked at Weaver feeling like a kid in the principal's office.
The redhead hung up her phone, shifted in her chair and smiled apologetically "Some psych patient tried to slice his wrists in the cafeteria. So, it's been a month since you've been in charge and I wanted to review some topics with you".
Kerry looked at the blonde with full attention for the first time since she entered her office. She looked tired but Kerry noticed that her eyes that were usually so full of life lacked something. She asked matter-of-factly "How's it going?".
Susan rolled her eyes "Everything I say seems to hurt someone's feelings, no one takes me seriously and I don't have a chief resident ".
Kerry smirked at her "Being in charge sucks".
The blonde looked at her skeptically "That's it? Come on. You're good at being in charge".
The chief of staff gave her a knowing smile "I've long been accustomed to not being liked. We – women - we still worry about what others think and want to be please everyone. When you're in a position of authority you have to make unpopular decisions and you're going to piss people off. You're also going to lose friends in the process".
Susan sighed "Jeez. That's encouraging…".
Kerry looked at her reports from the last weeks and smiled "Esprit de corps is high, the staff feels positive – I never had these numbers".
She knew Weaver was trying to cheer her up and she deadpanned "Yay, they like me".
Weaver propped her glasses on her nose "Which isn't to say there haven't been a few little glitches. First, the average wait time to see a physician is almost 10 hours. I think we'd all agree that's a bit excessive. Second, we had a record number of patients leave without treatment, which resulted in a record number of complaints coming directly to the administration – that would be me".
"Yes, Kerry, I've tried…".
The redhead continued "Third, the number of bounce-backs in under 48 hours was up 11% signifying an increased rate of misdiagnoses, improper treatment and really just poor follow-up planning".
Susan tried to stop her "Kerry. You can give it to me straight. If this isn't working out…".
She looked up from her files and shook her head gingerly "Oh, don't be silly. I think you're doing a great job. I just wanted to make you aware that there are still many, many, many problems for you to work on. And if there's one word I can't emphasize enough, Susan, it's leadership. That's it".
Susan pushed the trauma room door open with her back and froze at the scene before her "What the hell are you doing?!". Abby was inserting a chest tube and she looked at Luka searching for reassurance. The tall doctor spoke as he checked the patients resps "I asked her to do it". She glared at Abby "You're not allowed to perform chest tubes! You know that!".
Abby nodded, her eyes always on the patient "He was critical, bleeding into his chest..." but Susan interrupted her "As far as I know, you're on nursing shift today! Your insurance doesn't cover this kind of procedure! Are you guys crazy?!", she looked at both and Kovac tried to reason with her "Susan, it was a tough intubation. I couldn't put a chest tube at the same time".
Susan remembered Weaver's words and after making sure the patient was stable, she spoke up assertively "Dr. Kovac, a word, please". She nodded towards the adjoining room and stood with her arms crossed. Luka watched her with a smirk on his face and she sighed "Look, if you want me to pull rank on you, there you go: this is my ER and I expect my attendings to do as I say and don't question me in front of the staff".
He shook his head "I didn't mean to disrespect you. This is a teaching hospital and Abby knows how to insert a chest tube, you've taught her".
"You can stop with the condescending tone, Luka. She's not even on rotation today! What if she had botched it and the patient sued us?! You're a senior attending, I don't even know why we're having this conversation".
Shaking her head, Susan left the room exasperated.
She was in a foul mood for the rest of her shift and nurses and residents now magically nodded at her every request. Susan hated having to act like a bitch to be taken seriously.
Randi, being Randi, was oblivious to everyone else's reserve and nodded at her "I really like that color on you. Makes your eyes really stand out". Caught off guard, she smiled "Thanks Randi. That's the nicest thing I've heard all day. I think my popularity is going down the drain".
The desk clerk returned her attention to her computer and smirked "Sometimes a girl just has to kick some ass".
Her eyes caught Abby going to the drug lock-up and she followed her.
She rolled her eyes at the blonde before she even opened her mouth "I'm just restocking the narcs. Which is, actually, a task on my job description".
Some other time, Susan would've chuckled at her attitude. But she hated them being like this "Believe it or not, I was trying to protect you earlier".
Abby didn't turn back and kept stocking the cabinet "I'm a big girl".
She closed the door behind them and the soft clicking sound made Abby turn around to finally face her.
"Why are you doing this?", she whispered as she close the distance between them. The brunette looked like a deer caught in the headlights and shook her head "Doing what?".
She knew exactly what she meant, Susan knew it. But she spoke softly "Delaying all my orders, putting up with an attitude every time I ask you something, inserting chest tubes just to piss me off...".
"Don't flatter yourself, Susan".
The blonde crossed her arms and leaned closer "We can't let our personal lives bleed into our work..." and the brunette plunged and stopped just inches away from her face. She whispered huskily "Why did you corner me in here, Susan? Is there anything you want?".
Abby could feel the sweat breaking on her temple, the desire she felt burning in her veins was threatening to unravel right there. She was taunting the other woman. But she just couldn't understand her - acting like some raving nazi one minute, then leaving sweet messages in her voice mail. She was trying to forget about what had happened between them but Susan wasn't making things easier.
Susan could feel their breaths mingling and she hated how her body reacted to the closeness. She was tingling all over and closed her eyes to assert herself.
She turned away nervously and gasped for air when she finally opened the door.
"Dr. Lewis? Are you feeling ok?".
Susan opened her eyes and saw Neela watching her curiously. She cleared her throat and took a deep breath in "I'm fine. What you got?". Neela handed her the chart and presented her the patient.
Neela couldn't help noticing Abby leaving the drug lock-up behind them with the longest face she had ever seen.
She was wallowing at a bar, like she had done so many times before. Abby ordered a diet coke but what she really craved was a shot of vodka. Or three or four. But getting back to the bottle would be too much of a cliché, even for her.
She had seen desire in Susan's eyes, it was still there. The realization only seemed to enrage her more - they were great together, how could Susan not see it?
A tall guy sat next to her, made a point to watch her not so discreetly. Abby eyed him too, he wasn't bad looking with his five o-clock shadow and hungry eyes.
He subtly told her that he was in town for a couple of days, staying at the Langham.
It was perfect, she could just fuck him and never see him again.
When he started dwelling on about his work - investment banker or something - Abby gracefully got down from her stool and smirked "Wanna share a cab?".
The guy threw some bills on the counter to cover their tab and followed her willingly into the night.