Chapter 9

For three and a half years now Beth had refused to give up on the idea of Daryl still being alive and out there. That anything different was just not possible and that he still was the last man standing. She had long since come to realise and accept that before she was taken she had started to fall in love with Daryl Dixon. She even allowed herself to believe that he had felt the same. But that had been a long time ago and she wondered if those feelings still held true. It was definitely true that she still thought about him, often and sometimes at the weirdest of times. She had continued to ask everyone she meet if they knew a Daryl Dixon but no one ever did. Until they saved that small group from a herd of walkers and the leader had given her the oddest of looks when she started to ask her questions.

Now she was in a car heading north to a place called Alexandria where apparently her whole family waited for her. It all seemed beyond surreal. It was not quite 4 years since the prison fell and she last saw Maggie, Rick and the others. Little bit less time since she shared a candlelit moment with Daryl before the world once more turned to shit and stole away what good she had left. But she had been wrong about them all ending in Terminus, whatever had happened, her family hadn't died there. She should have had more hope she guessed, but at that stage hoping beyond belief had been beyond her. But regardless of the time, if counted in days, months, seasons or years, it had been a lifetime for her. So much had happened, both horrible and amazing, and she was no longer the same person as when she saw her family last. She had mourned them, had her heart pulled apart by the loss and then she had somehow rebuilt. She had made a home, lost Rina and others but kept going. Rebuilt again, stronger than ever, always learning from past mistakes. So much of her innocence had been lost in the years on her own but truth be told Beth didn't feel any sadness for the girl gone. She had been sweet, full of light and hope but the woman Beth was now was a survivor. And she liked to believe that she still managed to look at the world with hope for the future. In the prison Beth had been part of the original prison family and she had been responsible for Judith, which in itself was no small task, but asking for her advice or opinion on anything but diapers had never occurred to anyone. On the farm she was part of the council and a leader, healer and huntress. She no longer felt unsure or uncomfortable speaking her mind, standing up for her opinion or making big decisions. She was still only young but she was well respected within their community, people trusted her.

Michelle sat next to her in the car, Beth was currently driving and Michelle had taken the chance to catch some sleep. Beth had been very unsure about bringing Michelle with her on this trip but the other woman had refused to let Beth go on her own.

'No way I'm letting you go on your own! What if this is all a trap and your family is long gone!' Beth had just given her a look that told Michelle in no uncertain terms that she thought her reasoning was silly but in the end she had relented. Michelle was obviously worried and scared to let Beth go on her own. But nothing had changed between them. They did not share a room but they were still lovers. Michelle loved her, she was well aware of this fact, but Beth had never managed to return those feelings. She loved Michelle and was deeply attracted to her, but she didn't love her in a romantic fashion. What would it be like to see Daryl again? What would Maggie think of her and Michelle? What would Daryl think of her and Michelle? If she still felt something for Daryl how would Michelle react? What if Daryl was with someone else? A hundred questions kept bussing around in Beth's head, refusing to quiet down until she had a headache from turning every possible angle and turn of events over and over again in her mind. A tight little knot of nerves low in her belly made her almost nauseous when walls and a large gate came into view and she realised that they must be at their goal.

Beth laid in bed that night in her own bedroom, in a guest house that Maggie and Glenn used when they were visiting Alexandria. Beth was happier than she could remember being in a very long time but she also had a feeling of anticlimax. As if she had gotten everything she had ever dreamt of and more, and it still wasn't enough. Alexandria was nice and it looked so much like a normal community from before. Well, the house structures did anyway, lots and lots of things were very different. Entering had been easy, she had been reunited with her family and everyone had been so happy to see her. So why did she feel like a little kid who didn't get any presents on Christmas eve?

'Newbies are not allowed weapons until they have been cleared as trustworthy' Benji had told the women as they got out of their vehicle inside the gates.

'No way am I giving up my weapons without knowing what this place is!' Michelle was obviously still not trusting Benji but Beth suspected that a large part of her negativity stemmed from a fear of losing Beth back to her old family.

'Let me see someone from my family and then they can decide if they think we need to de-arm' she said in a placating tone. Benji just shrugged his shoulders, smiled and left saying he would see if he could find Rick.

Some time went past before she heard footsteps coming up from behind her and she turned around with her heart beating furiously. She couldn't help to feel it drop with disappointment when she saw that Daryl wasn't one of the men coming towards her. But the look of complete astonishment on Rick's face made her smile and she felt love fill her soul at the sight of her former leader. Without hesitation she walked up to the man and embraced him while he hugged her back with a strength that reminded her why Rick was a man to lead.

'Beth, you look so different, I can't believe you found us after so long!' Rick said after he let her go. Beth felt touched to see he had tears in his eyes and seemed truly thrown to see her. But then she had sat in unbelieving shock for quite some time after she had realised her family was still alive.

'Is Daryl here?' she blurted out before she could stop herself. She hadn't planned to ask for him first but the words left her lips before she could reconsider them.

'No he is out on a run with Aaron, but your sister is here…,' Rick gave her an odd look and a slight smile as if he wondered why Daryl was the first name she mentioned but also kind of knew the answer.

'You're lucky, she just came by yesterday visiting from Tree top hill.'

'Maggie is here? Now?' Beth was elated, she had been told Maggie and Glenn lived in another community together with their son Herschel. Beth couldn't quite wrap her head around the idea that she was an aunt. 'Is Glenn and the boy here too?'

'No, they stayed, Maggie came over to give me a report on the crops and help us plan next year's planting as well. She is very good at agriculture and planning, we are lucky to have her.' Beth just nooded, Maggie had always been good at anything she really put her mind to.

'Come on, let's get out of the sun. I think Carol is up in the mess, let's go see her.' Rick turned on his heal and started walking, just taking for granted that everyone would follow his lead.

'What about the weapons?' Beth asked. Rick just looked at her and smiled slightly again.

'If you really think you need that many, keep them all. Otherwise you can leave some in the armoury or in the house I will show you too later.' Beth and Michelle just nodded their assent. As they walked Beth allowed herself to watch Rick properly. She had first known him when he was a righteous, kind man with high morals. She had seen him go cold and hard after experiencing Lori's betrayal and having to kill Shane. Then she had seen him lose his mind after Lori's death, she had raised Judith pretty much by herself in the beginning as Rick wasn't able to even look at his daughter, much less care for her. She had seen him slowly come back to them and try to regain his humanity under her father's tutoring. But after the fall of the prison she had no idea what had happened to him. He seemed stable but there was still a hardness to him. Has if he was still Rick but a Rick so used to making hard choices he often failed to see any other way then the hard one. As if he was sensing her scrutiny he turned his head and smiled at her.

'I look different?' he asked but nodded and spoke again without waiting for an answer.

'You do too… Very different. I guess you have been through a lot too.' Beth just smiled and nodded. Yes they had all been through a lot, no doubt. Just then a little girl rounded a corner and came running towards them. Dark brown hair like her mother and light blue eyes like her father, the sight of her took Beth breath away.

'Daddy, daddy, look what I made' the girl yelled excitedly waving a crude wooden doll made from forest materials. When she saw Beth and Michelle she stopped immediately and watched the strangers with hooded eyes. Beth felt tears fill her eyes, she hadn't been told that Judith was still alive, she hadn't been mentioned and Beth hadn't asked. That Judith had survived all the way here had seemed so unlikely she hadn't allowed herself to even wonder if it was possible. Beth guessed that the world was still capable of holding miracles.

That night they had had a lovely dinner with all of the prison family that was in Alexandria at the time, plus some more people that Beth didn't know. Everyone talked over each other, trying to tell Beth everything that had happened to them. When asked to tell her story she was very vague on the details before she and Rina found the farm. Even though it was obvious to everyone that she was not telling them the whole truth no one pushed her for details. They all knew that some things were too painful to talk about and if she was going to tell them it wouldn't be in such a public setting. She told them about the farm, how they had reinforced it, built walls, ditches and layers of high fences travelling outwards. She told them about the tree huts they had spread out throughout the forest, even miles away from the house. That way there should always be a safe place for people to hide if they got overrun by walkers while outside the fences. She told them about how they had built a two-story living quarters completely underground with tunnels leading out and away from the farm. The building couldn't be seen from the ground, it was completely camouflaged and most people slept there. Safe and sound in case of an attack with possibilities to either escape the farm or re-enter it without being seen. Beth was extremely proud of the fact that they had taken action and learnt from every single incident they had experienced. But she was humble enough to know that it was not something she could have done on herself. You couldn't make it alone in this world, you never could.

Her sister sat next to her at the table, they held hands and hugged often. Beth could feel Maggies need to ask more questions, but she didn't and Beth was thankful for the respite. She wasn't ready to tell Maggie any details either. She was so happy to see Maggie but they had both changed so much and they would not be able to fall back into their old behavioural patterns, that much was clear. Beth could not be the little sister who was loved but not listened to. That was not enough for her anymore. By the end of the meal she was exhausted and felt grateful when people started to say their goodbyes and take their leave. She thought she would fall asleep immediately, an exhausted but happy mess. Instead she laid in her clean room and stared at her clean ceiling and feel a hollow emptiness that didn't make any sense at all. He wasn't here yet but he would be. She had been patiently waiting to see him for so long, what was another day or two?

He drove his motorbike in through the gates after Aaron's jute. They hadn't found much on the run but had come across some important supplies. It was funny how food was no longer the most important thing they needed. They were growing enough nowadays to survive without tins and dried goods. But clothes, paper and pens were always in short supply and they had not yet perfected the art of making their own. On the way back they had also stopped for a hunt and Daryl had managed to take down a large deer. Aaron drove the animal straight up to the slaughter house and Daryl followed. He dressed the animal and hung it. Aaron had long gone to see Eric by the time Daryl finished and the sun had set. He started walking through the dark streets and enjoyed the quiet. Soft light and soft voices spilled out of some windows and it made him feel good to know that he had helped to create this community. He still felt more comfortable watching it from the edges than getting involved in the heart of it. He was close to some but he had never managed to feel completely at home here. It was home but it wasn't HOME, Daryl couldn't even explain it to himself, only knew that something was missing. A warmth that he had never truly experienced but that he had once glimpsed. And that one glimpse had been enough to fill him with a longing that still endured all these years later. A longing that endured knowing that she was dead. It didn't matter that his logical mind knew that he could never have that warmth. That that promise of love had died unanswered, it didn't matter because his heart wanted it. He had tried to move on, had tried to find peace and solace somewhere else. One drunken night he had given in to years of hints and tried to find peace in Carols willing arms. But it had only left him feeling even emptier, it was so clearly not what his heart desired, it was worse than having nothing, this fake desire. Carol was his best friend but two broken pieces do not necessarily make a whole, sometimes their sharp edges just cut the other even more. Their affair had been short lived and by now they had both moved on from it and were friends again. But he knew that he had hurt her and in typical Carol fashion he suspected that she hadn't truly let go of it. Sometimes he saw a deep, dark pain in her eyes and he still didn't know how to deal with it. He had tried to love her but had failed miserably. His love for her wasn't romantic or sexual and he was a one woman's man. Maybe it was old fashioned but it was just the way he was made. He didn't know how to love a little bit, how to be casual about his feelings. His love was a passionate flood that took all of him with it and now that it was gone before it even happened he was left just longing for a promise. He had grown up a lot emotionally since losing her and he no longer tried to hide from the fact that he had been heads over heels in love with Beth Greene.

Light was spilling out of the windows of Glenn's and Maggie's spare house and he had time to register that they must be in residence before his whole world started to swirl violently. Faint piano music was coming out of the open door and with it a high sweet voice that hunted his dreams. The words were beyond the comprehension of his brain, all he knew was that it was a voice that couldn't be. Light and song drew his up the stairs as irresistible as food draws a starving man. He entered the sitting room as quietly as a ghost and before him was what an apparition seemed. A young woman sat at the piano with her back to him, blond hair breaking free of her high bun and curling slightly at her neck. She looked older, even with her back to him it was obvious that all of the girlishness was gone. The light around her was soft with candle light and for a moment time swirled for him and he was back in the funeral home, just watching this angel he wanted so badly to touch. But it felt like an impossible task, for someone like him to touch someone like her. How would that even be possible? So he just stood in the shadows and watched her. Have I gone crazy he thought, have I finally lost it and started hallucinating? Then he could see a slight shift in the woman sitting at the piano in front of him and after a moments silence a new song started.

'It's unclear now what we intend, we are all alone in our own world

and you don't want to be my boyfriend and I don't want to be your girl,

and that, that's a relief.

So we'll drink up our grief and pine for summer.

And we'll buy beer for shotgun and we'll lay on the lawn and we'll be good.'

The deja vu was complete and he felt his knees give way under him as tears started to cloud his vision. She was here and it was real, but it couldn't be and he couldn't comprehend it.

She knew when he entered the room. Not because she could hear him, he was much to practiced at soundless movement for that. And not because her training had made her more aware of her surroundings, even though that was true. No, she knew when he entered because she felt him, felt him in her spirit, felt his energy as it pulled on hers. But she didn't turn around, she allowed herself to get used to him being there before she turned to actually see him. Her fingers found the notes by themselves and the words started spilling before she was conscious of the fact that she was singing him the same song as she had in the funeral home. A song that had been so painfully accurate for how they had acted turning their time together. Unsure of what to do with their emotions, unsure of how to handle what was growing in between them. When she heard him hit the floor her song grew quiet and she knew she had to see him. An insensible fear filled her and for a second she wished she was anywhere but there in the room with him. Alone with him at a piano with candles setting the lightning. Every fibre of her soul and body was vibrating with anticipation and in time she turned around. She found him on his knees, staring at her as if seeing a ghost. She knew then with certainty that he had believed her dead and that hurt so much. But he had not forgotten her, as much was also clear. She looked at him, took him in but avoided seeing him straight in the eyes. She wasn't quite ready for that just yet. His hair was longer and she was surprised to find that she liked it. His half long tresses had always made it itch in her fingers to clip them but now it was past the awkward stage and his hair was long and she wanted to run her hands through it. He was somewhat older but looked less haggard, as if life here had been good to him. When her eyes meet his she wasn't surprised to see that they were filled with tears, what surprised her was the emotions it awoke in her. As if all the hurts that had happened her since last she saw him came at her in one powerful wave. She felt herself start to shake with pain and lose. She started to cry in a way she had never done through it all, 3.5 years of suppressed emotions came rushing up. But when looking at him she could hold nothing back. He looked at her and saw her, really saw her and that was her undoing. She took five wobbly steps and threw herself into his arms, tears streaming down her face and shaking her body as he held her tight and she was finally safe. She cried until she ran out of tears and then she just laid in his arms. He sat on the floor with her in his arms and none of them spoke a word. Beth feel asleep feeling like the world was right again, like she could relax, if even just for one night. Daryl held her not believing that he was so lucky, afraid to fall asleep in case he would wake up to find it all a dream. But eventually he dozed off, still holding her.