Disclaimer: I don't own Sonny With A Chance
~ Chapter Nine ~
~ "Have you ever felt like nothing makes sense?" ~
Sonny grinned at Tawni when she answered the door,
"You got out!"
"Yeah, they said I was free to go." She smiled when Tawni grabbed her hand and led her into the house,
"Do you feel okay?"
"Yeah, I feel great!" Sonny waved at Tawni's parents and smiled,
"Hey Mr and Mrs Hart." She laughed when Tawni's mum embraced her,
"I think she was worried about you." Tawni smiled,
"I am fine, I was just forgetful." She nodded and then let go of me, looking over at Tawni,
"Do you two want anything to eat?" She asked walking over to the kitchen, Sonny shook her head,
"I just ate at the hospital, maybe later thank you."
"What did you have there?" Tawni's dad raised an eyebrow and looked over at Sonny who didn't miss a beat,
"OJ, toast and an apple." He smiled and then exchanged a look with Mrs Hart as Sonny looked over at Tawni who just shrugged.
"We're going upstairs." I waved at them,
"Wait!" We both turned around, catching the water bottles that Mr Hart threw at us, Sonny laughed loudly before thanking her.
"So how are you really feeling?" Tawni asked as they got upstairs to the family gym, Sonny shrugged,
"Stupid?" Tawni grinned and then jumped onto the bike,
"Do you really think I want to be better than you?" Tawni looked at her and shook her head,
"I didn't mean it like that. Sometimes I just jealous, I wish I could fast and I just can't."
"It's not as good as it seems you know. Sometimes I want to be able to eat without feeling so guilty and disgusting. I want it to be how it used to be but it just won't happen." She sighed,
"Are you saying I have it easy?"
"No! I didn't mean it like that! I now you don't have it easy.. I know that."
"Relax, I was messing." Sonny looked down at the treadmill and smiled a little, trying to run as fast as she could,
"Didn't you learn from yesterday's events?"
"I didn't have this yesterday." Sonny grinned, holding up the bottle of water,
"So true."
"Water is pure.. just like us." Sonny laughed,
"You are what you eat."
"So I will eat nothing." Sonny finished off for her,
"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." Tawni said as they swapped machines,
"Hunger hurts but starving works."
"Very true." Tawni winked,
"Everytime you say no thank you to food, you say yes please to thin." Sonny smiled,
"Um... It's not deprivation, it's liberation."
"I like that one, an imperfect body reflects an imperfect person."
"Happy or sad, rich or poor, it's always better to be thin."
"Act as though it's impossible to fail."
"Bones are beautiful let them show."
"The difference between want and need is self control." Sonny giggled and stopped exercising for a moment, grabbing her water bottle and a towel.
"It's going to be okay, isn't it Sonny?" Sonny looked at Tawni and smiled as best she could,
"I hope so."
"Me too." Sonny grinned,
"Well that was fun." She linked arms with her as they linked arms and walked over to Tawni's bedroom.
"It was certainly different."
"I enjoyed it." Sonny ran to the bathroom,
"Who's first?" She asked,
"You." Tawni wondered how light she would be this time,
"One hundred and eight." Sonny muttered, shaking her head,
"Wow! That's amazing."
"It's okay I guess." Sonny got off and watched as Tawni stood on the scales, hitting one hundred and fourteen.
"It's going down." She said, looking at Sonny as she lifted her top up and stared into the mirror, looking like she was about to cry.
"Not quick enough though." Sonny whispered,
"But you can't rush perfection Sonny." Sonny nodded in agreement and then looked back at Tawni,
"We will do this together." Tawni assured her as Sonny nodded and grabbed her bag,
"I have to go, we have rehearsal tomorrow, did I miss anything today?"
"I didn't feel like it, too much gossip would have been going on."
"Yeah, maybe Chad set them straight though." Tawni nodded,
"He loves you so much."
"I love him too." She whispered dreamily as she thought about the Hollywood actor she could only have dreamed of getting.
"I will walk you home." Tawni said before getting up to go into the bathroom and get changed, Sonny nodded and looked around her room before pulling up her top again, looking for any bones.
"You know, I can see all of your ribs." Sonny jumped when she heard Tawni behind her, shaking her head,
"I don't see any." She mutters, looking sadly in the mirror, yanking her top down.
"Maybe one day." Sonny looked down and then went to walk out of the bedroom with Tawni.
~ Sonny ~
I left Tawni at studios so she could drop in and see Nico, explain to him why she hadn't been in today. Walking slowly, I thought about how different my life had become since my diet started. Nothing was the same, it would never be the same again. It wasn't fair, it was just meant to be a diet. I wish I had never found out about Tawni, I wish I didn't know about her now. I wish I didn't ask her how to purge. I sighed and looked down at the ground, nothing was normal anymore.
Arriving home I smiled at my mum as she watered her flowers outside,
"Your tea is inside." I nodded at her,
"Thank you." She put her arms around me,
"I just want to make sure you're okay, you are ain't you?" I nodded at her,
"Of course." I walked inside and then looked at the food she had left for me, fatty fries and fatty burgers. I couldn't help it,
"You know what a diet is, don't you?" I said as I walked back outside, I had the plate in my hands,
"It doesn't include.. this." I pointed at the food with my spare hand and then shook my head.
"You just don't get it do you? I don't want all this fatty food anymore. I am on a diet, I need to loose weight. Just try to understand that." I dropped the plate on the floor and stormed back inside the house, slamming my bedroom door, I jumped onto my bed and started to cry. I hated all this. I hated everything. I just wanted to be thin and nobody seemed to understand.
The next day I got up out of bed and looked into the mirror, my usual routine. I quickly got dressed and then took one last look in the mirror before leaving my room.
"Are you going to have any breakfast?"
"I am going to be late."
"I don't care. Sit down and eat something. NOW!" I looked at her, she was red in the face and she looked as though she hadn't slept all night. I sat down and stared at the toast she had put in front of me,
"Did you have to put so much butter on there?" I said as I started to scrape it all off, she shook her head and then took the knife out of my hands,
"Eat it now." I sighed and then looked up at her,
"You just want me to be fat don't you?" She shook her head and then sat down next to me,
"I just want you to eat something."
"But.. it's just s-so many calories. Don't make me." I could feel a tear fall down my face.
"I am sorry. But you ain't leaving this seat until you take one bite." I nodded at her and then grabbed a piece of toast, biting into it, I pretended to chew it and then I smiled at her. I moved the toast in my mouth to the side and then looked up at her,
"Can I go now?" She nodded at me and then kissed me on the forehead. I walked out the house and then spat it out of my mouth, wiping my mouth with my hand, I looked at the food on the floor and shook my head, almost laughing at the thought of eating it. I sighed and then ran off down the road towards the studios.
"Hey how are you feeling?" Chad saw me as I walked into the studios and I smiled at him,
"Great thanks and yourself?" I kissed him on the lips and then he put his arm around my waist. I grinned at him as we walked along, I loved the looks I got from the other girls. They all wanted my boyfriend, but I had him. He loved me and he didn't even look at them twice. He slowly removed his hand from my waist as we carried on walking and then he slipped his hand in mine, I smiled at him and laughed when he had to go to his own rehearsal.
I avoided the looks I got from the other actors. I was told by Chad on the phone last night some people thought I was pregnant, others thought I was on drugs. Out of all the rumours anorexia was not one of them. I obviously wasn't thin enough.
It was lunchtime already and people were finally starting to realize I was fine and that I was not on drugs and nor was I pregnant. I just tried to keep my cool, there was no point getting worked up about it. Tawni was just sitting there next to me, staring at a blank space in front of her. I just shrugged it off, I would ask her later when everyone wasn't around. Grady and Nico pulled out this massive sandwich and I noticed Tawni look up for a second, she looked like she was about to be sick. I just turned away and stood up, after all standing up burns more calories than sitting down.
I looked at Grady and then he looked back up at me,
"What?" He had only just finished eating and I just stared at him, putting my hands around my wrist, just to see if I had lost any weight. My wrist didn't seem to be getting any smaller, bigger if you ask me. I shrugged and then looked down at what was left of her lunch,
"Do you have any idea how many calories you just had?" I looked at her and raised an eyebrow,
"No I don't." The boys looked at me and shook their head, Tawni looked up as well and just looked behind me,
"At least 1000."
"I don't really care to be honest."
"I was just saying." Nico stood up and looked at me and I stared right back, I wasn't going to let him win. I don't care if he doesn't give a crap about calories, he should. He keeps gaining weight and he doesn't even care. He doesn't diet and he hardly exercises, how does he even live with herself?
"Not all of us are self obsessed." He said as he came towards me, I shook my head,
"It's got nothing to do with me being self obsessed. I was just pointing out the obvious."
"No Sonny, the only reason you fainted was because you never eat. Nothing to do with forgetting to drink water. You fainted because you are so vain." Portlyn joined in, seemingly appearing from nowhere
"I cannot be bothered with this anymore. You're so full of yourself, all you think about is yourself. You're just selfish."
"Whatever! At least I care about what I look like." I shook my head,
"I care.. just not overly like you do. Both of you!"
"Don't bring me into this." Tawni muttered, Portlyn just shook her head,
"You're both stupid, selfish cows. I have tried to get past it, I have tried to pretend like nothing is going on but at the end of the day you are both so involved with each other that you can't even see what is going on around you. I don't care about calories or weight, and that makes me normal. Unlike you two." I shook my head and then slapped her as hard as I could across the face "I hate you." Portlyn raised her own hand and slapped me back, Tawni stood up and came in between us.
"Come on Sonny." She grabbed my hand and I grabbed my bag. I stared at them all as we walked past them and they all shook their heads,
"Off you go then, go be sick or whatever it is you do."
Tawni led me past everyone else and into the bathroom, I noticed nobody else was around so I slammed my bag down and looked in the mirror,
"She deserved that." I looked at the slap mark on my face, it was bright red. I looked into my eyes and saw that the tears were threatening to fall and and I shook my head. No Sonny, you are not going to cry, I told myself. I wasn't going to let myself cry this time, no tears will fall from these eyes. Tawni shook her head,
"I know she did but you shouldn't have said anything in the first place." I looked at her,
"I don't even know why I did. It wasn't meant to come out like that.. I don't know. I just wasn't thinking." I shook my head and then turned away from the mirror,
"I hate her."
"No you don't." I shrugged,
"I know I don't but I wish I did."
"It's hard, we have to loose friends sometimes. It had to happen." I nodded and then looked at her,
"I just didn't think it would be this hard. I didn't know this was going to happen. I didn't mean to say anything." I couldn't hold back the tears anymore, I couldn't do this anymore. I let them fall, I told myself it would be the last time I cried in front of anyone, but I knew it would be a lie. I knew I would end up crying in front of someone soon, I just can't keep it all in check sometimes. Tawni walked over to me and wrapped her arms around me, I cried into her shoulder,
"I want to die Tawni," I whispered,
"I can't take this anymore, I can't loose anyone else. Everyone hates me. Even my mum is catching onto me now, even she thinks I am being stupid."
"I don't hate you." She rubbed my back as I carried on crying,
"I can't control it anymore. I just wanted to be in control but I can't even do that. I have nothing."
"You have me." I nodded,
"I know. Thanks." I pulled away from her and wiped my eyes, I was going to be so thin. I looked at myself in the mirror and shook my head. I wasn't good enough yet, but I would be one day. Sighing, I looked at Tawni and tried to smile,
"We need to get to lesson." She nodded,
"At least I am with you this lesson." I said,
"Yeah. Should be fun." I grinned at her,
"Sure." I muttered before walking out with her.
I opened the door to the classroom and blushed when the teacher asked me what was wrong, my eyes were probably still red from before,
"I just didn't feel well. Sorry, I asked Tawni to come with me." She just shook her head,
"No problem. Take your seats please." I walked past Portlyn and Grady, Portlyn just stared at me and shook her head and then she looked towards Grady who just shook his head at her and smiled at me. I tried to smile back, I was surprised he wasn't taking her side
I nodded towards Tawni as we both sat down and she smiled at me.
"Right Class.." I pulled out all my books and started to read them as instructed to do so. I was going to do well in school this year, I had a good feeling about it. And it was all thanks to my new diet. I smiled to myself, and then looked up at Tawni. She grinned at me and then went back to her own books, I did the same as I tried to take in all the information. This was easier than I thought it would be.
I was going to loose people along the way but I was going to gain happiness in the process. Everything was going to be okay in the end. I was going to be thin and clever. Nothing was going to be wrong. I was going to make it through all this. I was going to give my children the life I always wanted. I smiled to myself and shook my head, it was going to be okay.