It was on.

Fullmetal and Flame were having a legendary battle, the chosen weapon shouts at fifty paces. The office assistants had fled rather than be deafened by the warring alchemists.

"I'm telling you Bastard Colonel, you're an idiot if you expect to get any good results from that! The alignment is off and you got the points wrong!" Yup, that was Fullmetal all right, as foul tempered as ever. The workers still remembered their surprise that this arrogant, loudmouthed pest was the Hero of the People. Yet, when he and his Excellency the Flame Alchemist weren't having their monthly shouting match, he was a wonderful person to be around. Jean Havoc had once summed it up as 'they both have tempers, they both get stressed, and it's safe to take it out on each-other.'

Still, it was frightening to behold the battles. As evidenced by Flame's next shout: "How would you know? You never bother to draw your arrays. You rely on doing everything without an array, and that's lazy!"

"Oh, I'm lazy? And when was the last time you drew an array then, huh?! Tell me?"

The answer was not as clear, but still Flame's reply had something about last week and Hayate's bowl in it. Then there was a counterstrike about doors.

"It's good practice! At least it would be if you ever bothered to fix it yourself!" Fullmetal's scream resounded far enough that a few workers contemplated moving another floor away. Kain Fury, however simply turned the volume on his 'boss and chief cam' down a few more notches.

Then suddenly, the shouting ceased. Fury blushed and wondered if he had indeed heard what he thought he had.

Ed spluttered. Why did the Colonel have to ask him this of all people? They had been in the middle of a pleasant argument, and then the Colonel had to interrupt the stress relief by asking him how to ask Riza to marry him.

What the? Why isn't he asking Hughes—oh. Because of the pictures. But why did he have to ask Ed? And who the hell was Riza anyway?

The Gate sniggered and several bits of his life flashed into his mind. Mostly, reminding him that that was Hawkeye's name. Mustang and Hawkeye? Hawkeye and Mustang? Horse-shit bastard Colonel and Hawkeye?!

And the Bastard Colonel had that tone that meant this was actually important too, damnit! Keep calm, keep calm! Hydrogen, helium, lithium, beryllium, carbon … "Buy her a really good gun." Nitrogen, oxygen, fluorine, Aluminum, silicon, phosphorus, sulfur, chlorine, argon… hey, the Colonel was blushing! "Engrave her name and yours on it with alchemy, along with whatever other shit you think she'd like."

Ed fidgeted. …potassium, calcium, scandium,… "Then take her out someplace," he began to scrape the mud off his boots onto the carpet in embarrassment, having already made the table and all the paper on it suitably muddy. "Somewhere she'd like." …titanium, vanadium, chromium, manganese, iron, cobalt … "Since you were all stalking me 'n Winry anyway, you saw where I took her." Nickel, copper, zinc, gallium,… Shut up stupid, he growled at the Gate "Automail shops, that kinda shit," …germanium, arsenic, selenium, bromine, yttrium, zirconium, niobium, molybdenum… "Maybe a gun shop?"

The silence as both alchemists looked anywhere but each other was thick. … Ruthenium, rubidium, palladium, silver, cadmium…"Then, end of the day, if she's had a good time, you get on your knee and give her the gun." Indium, tin, antimony… Why was he stuck giving the Colonel love advice?...tellurium, iodine, xenon, cesium, barium, hafnium…

Another pause.

"Well. Shouldn't I say something then, Fullmetal?"

Ed made a strangled noise. …tantalum, tungsten, rhenium, osmium, iridium, platinum… "Equivalence. Trade lives."…gold, mercury, thallium, lead, bismuth, polonium… "Tell her if her life will be yours," …radon, francium, and radium…"Then yours will be hers".

Now that made sense. Roy felt a surge of relief. He had been a bit nervous about asking Fullmetal for help, but Maes' advice hadn't seemed right for Riza. Ed's advice fit and was something he understood.

There was long, awkward silence.

"Aw, damn, we're getting along." Ed muttered.

"Ugh, you're right."

"I'm going to need so much therapy."

"You already need therapy."

"Not as much as you do, Fuhrer Mustang." The title fell off his tongue oddly.

The Colonel jerked. "Do not call me that Fullmetal! I don't mind Colonel, I can take Bastard, hell I'll even take horse-face! Anything but that."

"So you don't want me to use your hard earned title then?"

"Not from you, Fullmetal. Never from you. No one else would dare."

Ed smirked with demonic glee. "So you actually want me sticking pins in your ego? Officially?"

"I want," Roy corrected, gritting his teeth, "things to stay the way they are without you being respectful and making me worry if Envy's still alive!" Although, he wouldn't deny that Fullmetal's flippant disrespect was nice, knowing that Edward didn't care about rank, but would give him an honest opinion, even if was rude. That was what made him such a good advisor.

And that was why he had asked for love advice.

Riza had enjoyed the outing once she was finished being suspicious with him, but he still worried. His heart was in his mouth as he knelt and presented her with the gun, and as she stared, he -remembering a few previous attempts- found himself blurting, "My life is yours! Will yours be mine? Equivalent Exchange!"

She remained silent, staring at the gun, and the resulting silence was so thick that a ten ton boulder would have fallen like a feather.

In an odd voice, she asked, "Who did you go to for advice on this?"

Was he about to die? "Fullmetal." Roy answered, staring at her feet.

"Ah."

Suddenly he was jerked to his feet and being kissed senseless. Maybe he should ask Fullmetal for advice more often?

A familiar ringing chime rang out, and the ground flowed, reshaping. When he was done stumbling, the ground was black, a mound had risen, and Ed was smirking his trademark smirk! "Congratulations, Fuhrer Bastard. She said yes!" golden eyes were examining the mound triumphantly. With a sinking feeling, Roy turned. On its side, in letters fifty feel long and three feet deep were the words Edward had just spoken.