Author's note: here's the final chapter of 'A bloody nuisance'. It has an open ending (but then again: when is a story truly finished?) and I hope you'll enjoy it.
A bloody nuisance
Chapter 10
What they do when you command them as their 'maker', comes on you.
Mrs Cooper's words slowed Bill down. He recalled how Sarah wearing a pretty frock on occassion of her brother's baptism had made him picture giving her away to her bridegroom. The idea had made him sentimental and proud at the same time. Focusing on the here and now he asked his guest: "You want me to promise you that I won't command them anymore?"
"I want you to be unable to command them."
"You want me to set them free?"
Mary, who had planned to convince Bill to allow the fivesome to return home before making her most important request, feared she'd overplayed her hand.
"Would you have let your infants play on a high way Mrs Cooper?" Bill sharply continued.
"The five of them are adults. Will they make mistakes, like thinking that they are stronger than they really are? Yes they will. I err too at times. Do you think my mother feels to blame for that?"
"You don't kill people."
"The five of them could have drained all of Merlotte's patrons. They didn't. Had you commanded them yet?"
Bill clenched his jaws. He felt cornered by this Texan mortal, who obviously didn't truly understand who she was dealing with. Immediately his arrogance made him scold himself.
"It's too soon," he lamely said.
"What would be a 'normal' period?"
"I was released after fifty years. Eric Northman's progeny Pam is still bonded to him. She was turned some hundred years ago."
"I take it there are also vampires who turn humans and never pay them attention anymore?"
"There are vampires who do that yes. They act irresponsibly and disrespectfully."
"You've proved to be the opposite," Mary patiently said, "You care for them."
Bill didn't respond and saundered away from the house. Mary followed him along.
"And I appreciate that Mr Compton. It can't be easy to share your house with people who are practically strangers. And one of those strangers being my Sheldon... I love him, The Lord above knows that I do but he's a know-it-all and a hand-full and that's saying it nicely."
A throatily sound of agreement escaped Bill.
"I was told that you have a friend in Bon Temps? Is she a vampire too?"
"No," Bill said, wondering where the conversation was heading to. "Sookie is human."
Mary agreed with Penny that Bill made his girlfriend's two syllable name sound like a complete sonnet. A sonnet of longing.
"I hope Sheldon didn't treat her... well, not too condescending? His friends got used to it, but most people get upset with him."
"He hasn't met her. None of them has. I am very protective toward Sookie."
"I see. You wouldn't be able to control all of them should something go wrong?"
Bill stood still and stared at Mrs Cooper. He was about to say that considering what she'd just said about Merlotte's patrons her remark was rather strange, but at the same time he pictured his children getting high on Sookie's blood.
"Is your girlfriend all right with you having children now?"
"We barely spoke since it happened."
"Because you wanted to look after them? That must be hard on your relationship," Mary said sympathetically.
Bill briefly got a far-away look in his eyes, that didn't go unnoticed by his guest.
"You know, Penny is rather charmed by you," Mary said, ticking off another item on project Freedom's checklist.
"She is my daughter," Bill said sounding appalled.
"I doubt she sees you as a father figure."
"She ought to do so."
OoOoOoO
When Bill and Mary entered the house the former was the first to locate the source of a vile scent. He called for Rajesh.
"You'd better clean that," Bill told him, gesturing toward a modest pile of cat-puke in the hall.
"I'm afraid," Raj whispered into Bill's ear, "that the tuna-in-oil was too much for Arya's delicate tummy. I'd like to get her some kitten food?"
Bill stepped back. "You can't go to the store all by yourself."
"I'm sure he did his groceries all alone before Mr Compton."
Raj nodded eagerly.
1600 miles away.
"We passed a supermarket on our way here. I could give him a ride?"
Raj swirled his flask to let Bill know that he had enough Tru Blood with him.
Bill hesitated for a moment. He couldn't be with his children all the time and they were hardly tottlers. He inclined his head. "I'd appreciate that Mrs Cooper."
"Come along Redge."
Raj and Mrs Cooper left. The puke remained.
"Sheldon!"
Sheldon appeared along with Leonard, who carried a tray of Tru Blood.
"Would you care to clean that up?" Bill said, indicating the puke.
"Why?"
"Arya produced it. You took her in."
"We all did. I didn't hear you complaining. Why don't you ask Raj to do it? He claims to be her 'daddy'."
"He and Mrs Cooper went to buy her food."
"If you knew how I responded to puke, you'd think again to ask me to get rid of it."
"Yeah. He'll just add to it," Leonard said.
"A vile scent won't make a vampire puke," Bill informed his sons.
Sheldon raised an eyebrow. "Your phrasing suggests that puking isn't alien to vampires. Howard will be pleased to learn that. What makes a vampire puke?"
"That's not something we're going to test Sheldon."
Ignoring his friend Sheldon questioned Bill some more. "The human body uses vomiting – among others - to get rid of dangerous food. What if blood is poisoned? Will we vomit to get rid of it? And what sort of poison must we fear? What if any or all of the bottles we drained were poisoned? We need to get to a hospital! Penny! Howard!"
In a flash his two friends appeared in the hall.
"What is it Sheldon?"
"We might all be poisoned!"
Penny caught Bill's eye. Bill shook his head and said: "Tru Blood won't be poisoned."
"How you made it to be over a hundred years old is a mystery to me. Of course Tru Blood might be poisoned. Why didn't I think of this before? What about all those people who hate vampires: they have all day to meddle with the bottles and add...?"
"Aids?" Leonard said when Bill didn't finish Sheldon's line.
"The only human disease that affects us is hep d. Its effect is limited though. It will merely weaken us for about a month."
"Do the human authorities know about it?"
Bill's shrug was responded by Sheldon's eye roll.
"What about other substances? Arsenic? Cinnamon?" Sheldon tried.
"Cinnamon?"
"Yes, why not Leonard? Imagine being beraved of eternal life by something as insignificant as cinnamon. Of course it used to be a valued spice and my Meemaw's apple pie wouldn't be the same without it. Did you know Bill that finding its source was one of the reasons why the Europeans set out to explore the world, so they could bypass the Arab cinnamon monopoly?"
"I don't feel sick. Do you?" Leonard asked his friends.
"I feel sick at the thought that I might have poison in my system."
"We could develop a test to check whether Tru Blood is save to drink?"
"Oh yes, what a wonderful idea Howard. Why don't we go to Bill's well equiped laboratory? Besides, Bill obviously doesn't have a clue as to what might be fatal to us. A tiny bit of rat poison or a minuscule drop of the juice of taraxacum officinale could do the trick. Or perhaps a splinter of wood. Do you have clean stockings with you Penny? We could use those for a sieve."
Bill expected Penny to object to Sheldon's plan but she blushed and looked away.
"Silver," Bill said. "That's fatal to us. Solid or liquid."
"Only silver huh?" Penny said. "What were you going to test Sheldon?"
"I want to examine the effect of Tru Blood on strenght, speed and sensitivity."
"Why don't you start by examing how long it takes to clean a cat's puke," Bill suggested. "It stinks."
"Just breath through your mouth," Sheldon haughtily said.
Anger flared through Bill but it left him the moment Sheldon chuckled in a disturbing way.
"Bazinga. A vampire doesn't breath."
Meanwhile Leonard had taken a chair from the living room and he held it above his head. It happened to be a mid 18th century chair, as the proud owner had informed Leonard previously.
"A chair? Really Leonard. That is not practical. Or are you by any chance trying to impress Penny?"
Turning to Bill Sheldon said: "As you'll recall I mentioned that Leonard longs to make Penny his girlfriend. I told him that his plan will fail and may I add Leonard: especially since Bill is around. It is common knowlegde that women seek for a strong, stable and therefore usually older mate to start a family."
Penny becomingly looked at the floor.
"I take it that vampires are sterile but unfortunately the neocortex loses the battle too often and in Penny's case it certainly will. Even though it isn't working anymore."
"I thought Penny was your friend," Bill said to change the subject. "Why do you always talk people down?"
"Did you hear that Leonard?" Howard said. "Bill is already acting like a knight standing up for his lady."
Penny's bent face now showed a charming smile.
1600 miles away.
"I'd like you to be kind Sheldon."
"You sound just like my mother. She too wants me to apply social rules. I've told her two hundred and seventy six times that what she really wants me to do is to lie. And that act ought to go against her Christian beliefs. Does the Bible tell people to hide the truth?"
Thinking Sheldon had asked a retorical question, Bill simply waited for him to continue talking. Instead Sheldon raised his eyebrows.
"No," Bill said, feeling dumb, "it doesn't."
"Yet you want me to lie."
"No. I want you to be kind. And to clean Arya's puke."
"I'll do that for you Bill," Penny said and before Bill could object she went to the kitchen to get some cleaning devices.
"Good," Sheldon said. "We will wait for Penny to clean up and then we'll start our test. I will assume that our current supply of True Blood is safe to use. You may assist us Bill. You must be thrilled seeing real scientists at work. The circumstances are primitive of course, but that is hardly our fault."
Sheldon told Bill what would be expected of the guinea-pigs and Bill played along. In the back of his mind he suspected that he was seeking out Sheldon's company to cement a decision. While following Sheldon's instructions he recalled how free he'd felt after Lorena had released him. For decades he'd been used to being bonded to her, whether it was by being summoned or by her coming to his side when she sensed that he'd been hurt. A summons usually resulted in bloodshed. In the years preceding his release Lorena had had to command him to do certain things. Painful, bloody things. Neither the deeds nor his state of mind had ever bothered her.
What they do when you command them as their 'maker', comes on you.
These days there were cell phones and webcams and those might even make up for the distance between Bon Temps and Pasadena. Besides: he'd been Lorena's sole progeny whereas his children could rely on each other for help.
Through his musings Bill was aware that Penny applauded him for being victorious in every test. Leonard got increasingly chagrined and not wanting to alienate his son Bill thought it best to ask Penny to prepare a bed for Mrs Cooper. The words had barely left his lips or he realised how sexist they were. Penny however practically danced her way up the stairs to fulfil his request.
"Oh yeah," Howard told Leonard after Penny had disappeared from view. "You don't stand a chance."
"Not that he ever did before. Penny is aesthetically pleasing and she can have any man. And as a vampire she will never loose her looks."
"Nor will I," Leonard said.
Sheldon snorted. "That is true, you'll always be a homunculus."
"You'll always be you!" Leonard angrily said. He marched outside.
"I wasn't insulting him in any way!" Sheldon informed Bill who sternly looked at him.
"He took it as an insult."
"You don't know what a homunculus is, do you?"
OoOoOoO
Penny dropped the bedclothes she'd found on a mattress, seated herself on a plain wooden chair and enjoyed the tense conversation that floated toward her. When Leonard re-entered the house, followed by Mrs Cooper and Raj, she quickly made the bed, while wondering whether her landlord would object to having some windows covered with fibreboard. Don't get ahead of things, she told herself, you're not home yet.
Sensing a heartbeat coming near she cried out: "I'm here Mrs C!"
Mary entered the room and gave an approving nod.
"This is how I'd imagined a cell in a nunnery," she told Penny.
"No crucifix though."
Downstairs a verbal fight had started between Sheldon and Leonard. Raj sided with Leonard and when Howard refused to take sides Raj accused him of being indecisive.
"Can you imagine how surprised I was when Sheldon told me he was in search of a roommate? I reasoned he wanted more money to buy toys and comics."
"How did the shopping go?"
"The poor boy didn't say a word. For his sake I hope it will wear off. Now, he put only a few cans of food in the cart, but I told him to buy plenty. Don't want little Arya to starf, now do we? Your friend was eyeing this cat-leash, would you believe those things excist? I told him he might as well get one."
"Let me guess, it was pink with lots of bling?"
Mary nodded.
"Did the leash come with a matching coat?"
"A coat? We're talking about a cat Penny."
"And about Raj. Can you imagine him in Fangtasia?"
Mary grinned.
The argument downstairs reached a peak.
"Doctor Sheldon Lee Cooper, B.S., M.S., M.A., Ph.D, Sc.D and V is driving people nuts once more," Penny commented.
"I love my son but I'm not blind for the fact that he can make a saint follow satan's path."
"Or make a vampire step into the sun," Penny mumbled.
OoOoOoO
Standing amid his quarreling sons Bill once more thought about living in a nest. His family of six definitely was too large for a group of vampires and every one of his sons could make the people of Bon Temps march to the Compton house, torches in hand.
Bill walked to the kitchen, zigzagging between trays of cat food. It took him five drawers before he'd located the coffeepads, but at least he'd found the spoons and the sugar by then, though they belonged in the cupboard where he'd stored them. The Tru Blood was still located in the refrigerator.
"That's something," Bill muttered. In the background he heard Howard say something in a strange tongue, which made his friends laugh. He thought he recognized a name from a Lord of the Rings film.
Arya walked toward him and sniffed at his shoes.
"At least they're behaving themselves again," he whispered to the kitten.
Arya ran to a corner of the kitchen, where a bowl of water stood. With the Tru Blood warming in the microwave Bill squatted next to the animal. He found himself smiling at the sight of the cat's tiny tongue spooning up water. He was reminded of Tina sitting on his lap and that made him think of Sookie. Sookie with her sun-kissed locks and silk skin. Sookie who'd slept in the upstairs bedroom and whose scent still lingered there, if only in his imagination. What if someone threatened to hurt Sookie unless he'd order say Howard to kill a stranger?
Sookie would be safe and I'd be devastated to see Howard broken. I've done too many painful bloody things in my days as it is.
PEEP
Bill prepared coffee, placed all beverages on a tray and nearly tripped over Arya. He cursed under his breath, hurt his foot against a tray of cat food, and cursed some more. At the bottom of the stairs he called out for Mrs Cooper and Penny.
"Coming Bill!" Penny cried out.
Sweet, affectionate and clever Penny. What if someone will make me command her to do something she loaths to do? What if I turn into a freak?
In the living room the white boards were being covered with test results.
"Any good?" Bill asked.
"You wouldn't understand," Sheldon said.
"Try me."
"Well all right," Sheldon started, "what we found out -" and after that Bill didn't get a lot of what the physicist said.
"Normal language Sheldon," Mrs Cooper said on entering the room. "So everyone can understand it. Oh, that reminds me, I bought you something."
She searched her handbag and produced a rolled up magazine. "Here you are Shelly."
"Mother, National geographic? You do realise that vampires don't have to relieve themselves, do you?"
Mrs Cooper raised her eyebrows. "Excuse me? I brought you something scientific to read -"
Sheldon huffed.
"- and all I expect to hear is 'thank you mother'."
"How would you feel if I got you a magazine for four year olds?" Sheldon held his magazine up. "This might be nice for the likes of Penny and Bill but giving it to me is an insult. But rest assured: I know a way for you to make up for it. You can join our experiment -"
"No Sheldon."
Sheldon pouted. "But you don't even know what I mean to ask you."
"I do know I won't like it."
Addressing her host Mary said: "I've had my shares of tests with my son. Every since he was two years old. At least once a week he'd come up with something silly."
"My tests are never silly!"
"Most of the time it didn't lead to the result you'd hoped for."
"That's why scientists test mother. Unlike religious people we need proof. Oh, speaking of which: I meant to ask you Bill whether you could take us to Mr Merlotte -"
"Why don't we sit down?" Bill said. "Our drinks will be drinkable by now."
Sheldon would have finished his line if it wasn't for the fact that Arya entered the room. Both he and Raj tried to lure the kitten and Sheldon smiled victoriously when Arya crawled up his leg.
"Does. She. Like. Her. Food?" Mrs Cooper asked Raj.
Raj bent over to Howard's ear.
"He wants to feed her at regular times and – ," Howard started his broadcast.
"Oh no honey, cats hunt whenever they can," Mary slowly told Raj.
Howard, seated between the two, did his best to make his slim frame even slimmer.
"You'd best place several bowls of food in the house, and water bowls as well. Allow her to eat and drink all the time, yes?"
Looking slightly fearful Raj nodded.
"Maybe we could make these runways for her, you know, along the walls, with stairs and all!" Penny enthousiastically said.
"Yeah!" Howard said. "It could go all the way through the house, with small gates through the walls to connect rooms."
"You would like that, wouldn't you?" Sheldon said, lifting Arya so he could look her in the eyes. "Cats after all like to look down at their surroundings."
Raj whispered into Howard's ear.
"He wants to make her little pink hangmats," Howard told Mrs Cooper. Sheldon protested that Arya Stark wouldn't care for the colour pink. Howard, bottle in hand, walked to a white board where he drew a sketch of Bill's house. Leonard fantasized out loud that it might be fun to install slides.
Right then and there Bill knew he'd come to a decision. I may feel like a self-interested failure for making it, but a maker ought to think of his progeny first. And if they weren't the vampires they are, I wouldn't do this. They're ready and able to continue their lives.
"May I remind you that this is my house?"
Howard shrugged. "We have to live here too."
"For now..."
"What do you mean Bill?" Penny said.
Mary noticed that the blonde's hurt expression made Mr Compton look uncomfortable. Her son was obviously mistaken by concluding that Penny's lack of work as an actress was related to her acting skills.
"Howard, please join us here," Bill said. After the engineer sat down, Bill continued: "I may not have been clear about this, but it hasn't been my intention to keep you here forever."
Sheldon wanted to comment but Penny nudged him into keeping his mouth shut.
"It took me a while to fully realize that things are different now," Bill said. "In my time newly created vampires had to start another life yet these days they can more or less continue their lives. It is clear to me that you don't have the intention to hurt humans. Your behaviour showed that you live up to your intentions. Because of that, I think it is only right that I allow you to return home."
Bill looked to his right were Raj and Howard wore huge grins and Mrs Cooper smiled at him as if he were a boy scout winning a price for selling cookies.
"But what if I'd want to stay?" Penny said in a small voice.
"You're not staying here. You know I hate change. I need to know that when I check Bill's database, you'll be stealing our Wifi in 4B."
"And in case you're attracted to Bill," Leonard merrily said, "may I remind you that in a vampire way he is your father. Would you want to have intercourse with your father?"
"Ew!"
Leonard looked smug.
"But Bill isn't really my father," Penny said. She looked at Bill for support.
"It feels that way to me Penny."
"It does?"
Bill nodded, glad that the topic was being addressed.
"Yeah, I guess when you add incest it's less appealing," Howard muttered.
Penny sat back looking defeated. Bill smiled at her reassuringly but she avoided eye contact.
OoOoOoO
After Bill and Mrs Cooper had gone over the travel arrangements the latter retired for what was left of the night. She hadn't mentioned the topic of releasing his progeny, but Bill had no doubt that she would. She wouldn't be disappointed by his reaction, but he needed a little more time to take the last step.
Bill joined his children outside. Howard was in the middle of telling his friends that his mother's basement, scary as it had been to him as a child, would now be the perfect place to spend the day. Bill listened until he was finished and then asked for everyone's attention.
"You don't want to hurt humans and I don't want you to hurt humans. I do realize however that your ignorance on how vampires have fed in the past centuries might cause harm. Therefore I will teach you when to stop drinking. Could you catch a small mammal please Penny?"
Penny returned fairly soon holding a struggling opossum.
"Close your eyes Raj," Howard advised his friend.
"You don't have to watch," Bill said, feeling that he was the first maker ever to say this, "as long as you listen. Penny, what can you tell me about the animal's heartbeat?"
"It's rapid."
The opossum made angry sounds, as if it challenged Penny.
"Extract your fangs and make sure the animal doesn't see them. If it does, its heartbeat might become too rapid, causing heart failure. Now what I want you to do is bite the animal and slowly suck its blood. However, every moment you should be aware of its heartbeat – it should be steady – and of the amount of blood you already took. Take no more then one tenth. For an animal this size that would mean no more but four modest sucks. For a human it's no more than a bottle of Tru Blood. You'll understand that the human has to be willing."
Four voices dutifully said: 'Yes Bill." Raj nodded his agreement.
"In case you feed off a human, make sure to recommand vitamine B and iron supplements."
"You haven't thought this through, have you? Most people don't have a clue as to the food that contains both vitamine B and iron."
"Red meat is always good Sheldon," Bill said.
"Once again you fail to see something. What if people are vegetarians?"
"There are supplement pills these days."
"Also known as expensive pee pills. Anyway, this demonstration is redundant: we won't drink off humans or animals. I'd also ike to say that I don't see Didelphia Virginiana go in search for red meat after Penny is done with him."
The opossum found that he couldn't move a limp in his captor's grasp and he doubled his vocal protests. Raj whimpered. Howard and Leonard didn't seem to happy either. Sheldon had spoken coolly but his voice was higher than usual and a muscle near his eye was twitching. Penny, who felt bad for being curious about the taste of animal blood, retracted her fangs and shrugged at Bill.
"All right, let go of it," Bill said. He studied his children: Leonard, Howard and Sheldon looked relieved. Penny grinned at the sight of a smiling Rajesh who waved at the fleeing opossum.
"Question: we all ate meat so we didn't think that buying a part of a slaughtered animal to feed ourselves was wrong. Knowing this, would you still suggest us to merely take a sip of an small animal? And wouldn't it be easier, more hygienic and less hairy to make an incision and collect the blood in a bottle or so?" Not waiting for a reply Sheldon continued: "I must say that I don't understand why you wanted to test us this way."
"To teach you that restraint is good."
"We won't cause harm to humans," Leonard added, his tone of voice betraying that they'd discussed the topic more than once.
"I know. But perhaps you recall Sheldon saying that in case a human is willing there was nothing wrong with feeding off a human."
"For science Bill!" Sheldon pointed out.
"For that or perhaps for other reasons," Bill said. "You might want to make love to a human."
"Absolutely not!"
"Let the man talk," Leonard told Sheldon.
Bill looked at four curious children and one shocked son.
"You will find that when you are aroused your fangs will show unless you will them not to."
"It would be impolite to show them," Sheldon said, "for every homo sapiens sapiens knows that laughing excluded showing teeth is an act of aggresion."
"You couldn't show them if you wanted to. And people who have sex with vampires might actually be aroused by fangs," Leonard said.
"Because they are so called 'forbidden fruit'?" Sheldon asked. He eyed Penny for support.
"Partly," she said. "From what I heard in Fangtasia it is not uncommon that while making love a vampire will suck some blood from his human lover. It was described as -" Penny struggled for a description fitted for Sheldon and she came up with: "- driving both partners to an instant orgasm."
Raj giggled, Leonard looked smug and Howard responded to Penny's words by showing a small smile. Sheldon raised his eyebrows.
"I stand by my remark that it is a shame that vampires feel the need to engage in coitus."
"You'll remember that when I bit y'all, it hurt."
"'Cause the magister ordered you to turn us 'the tough way'?" Howard asked.
Bill nodded. "Should you make love, you will find that the pleasuring way to drink comes naturally. But remember: no more than one bottle. And your partner -"
Bill looked at his children to finish his line. Sheldon stood with his arms folded to indicate that he would have no part in the conversation. Raj wore a dreamily smile.
"Needs to be willing," the three other vampires said.
"I also heard," Penny said for educational purposes, "that after giving a human lover a love bite, smearing a drop of vampire blood on the puncture marks will heal the wounds."
"That is true, yes."
"It is? How interesting," Sheldon said.
"That's all you have to say?" Howard asked.
"This is what Bill will reply to my request for intelligence: 'I don't know' or 'It's magic'."
Picturing his future life Bill evenly said: "You're a good student after all Sheldon."
OoOoOoO
Before retiring for the day the vampires had a nightcap in the kitchen. Raj busied himself by setting the table so Mrs Cooper could enjoy breakfast the following morning. He wrote her a note to ask her to make sure Arya's bowls were filled. Leonard and Howard were talking about necro-tempered glass from Angel. Bill found the topic interesting but he could barely pay attention to it: after Sheldon had lectured him on the difference between good and brilliant, his son unexpectedly talked about vampires and coitus. The description reminded Bill more of lusty things than slang would have done but Sheldon's remarks relating body fluids and how absurd it was that vampires produced any at all almost made sex loose its appeal. He was glad when Sheldon sharply interrupted a glass-related theory voiced by Leonard: "It can't be done the way you suggest it Leonard. Sometimes engineers are right. I'd also like to remind you that the vampires from Buffy and Angel are fictional characters. Now for something different: I think it might be wise if we were to rent a laboratory. I don't want Caltech to claim ownership of our inventions on account of us using their facilities."
Peep peep.
"Ah, my dutiful watch. I wish I had one with a little devil in it, like they have on the Discworld. It would say 'doctor Cooper: it is time for you to prepare for the day'."
"Doctor Cooper: a vampire shouldn't need it," Leonard said in a high voice. "The sun will rise in thirty minutes, right Bill?"
Bill nodded.
"How often have you worked on equations and found that it was four in the morning?" Sheldon said.
The three scientists looked at each other and set their watches.
OoOoOoO
"I'm glad this is our last night here. I look forward to sleeping in my own room," Sheldon said as he crossed his arms in front of his chest.
"In the apartment you share with Leonard," Bill remarked as an introduction to a topic he wanted to address.
"Speaking of which," Sheldon said, "I came to realise Leonard that with your artificial attraction of being a vampire you might have a wider selection of partners for coitus and knowing you the way I do, you'll probably want to take advantage of that. I will therefore adjust our Roommate Agreement. I'm giving you notice right now that I will not allow for intercourse in our apartment."
"What?" Leonard said, leaning on his elbows and glaring at Sheldon, "You can't do that!"
"The Agreement says that I can."
"But you wrote it!"
"And you signed it."
Bill thought it ironic that Sheldon's lines were actually helpful. "The reason why I mentioned your living arrangements," he said, "is the fact that three of you live in the same apartment building, on the same floor. When vampires live in a group, and group is 'over two', they will badly influence each other and become aggresive toward humans and toward other vampires. It would eventually happen to the six of us. Apart from that humans might feel threatened by the nearness of a nest of vampires. I think that in time it would be best if either Leonard or Sheldon found another place to live."
"I'm not moving out," Sheldon said. "Leonard's the one subletting."
Leonard objected but Penny, who feared that Bill had come up with a reason not to let them return home, interrupted him.
"What if you have a girlfriend Leonard?"
"Haven't you heard what I just informed him about?"
"You know Leonard," Howard said, "It might be... convenient to have a place of your own."
Someone giggled.
"You might be right!" Leonard discovered. "Wasn't there an apartment for rent near Caltech?"
"Problem solved Bill," Sheldon concluded.
"Can you inquire after that apartment tomorrow Leonard? You may use my computer."
"Hold on, what about my transport to work? You'll have to drive me Penny!"
Penny laughed. "You can flash sweety."
"Flash," Sheldon whispered in awe.
Penny felt Raj press her hand and she wished him goodnight.
"Do you know what I noticed?" Sheldon asked. "Raj and Leonard fall asleep first, then Howard – Leonard, are you awake still?"
"I am," Howard said.
"It makes me wonder whether it has to do with the order in which we were turned. What do you think Howard?"
"Possibly. Bill?"
"There might be a connection."
"Howard?"
When no reply came, Sheldon told Penny to ask him questions until she heard no answers anymore. Penny wasn't in the mood for a Q&A, so she simply said: "I recall the title of a TNG episode 'ship in a bottle'. What was it about again?"
Sheldon talked for a minute and then he stopped in mid-sentence. Penny heard the musical spider at work. She wanted to thank Bill for allowing them to go home but if she phrased it that way, he might guess that she'd played him. She settled for: "Thank you for trusting us Bill."
"I know y'all be human vampires Penny. You pride me."
Penny blinked and told herself that she was becoming sentimental. I should ask Bill about glamouring, she thought, but expecting to go 'out' any moment she merely said: "Night Bill."
OoOoOoO
As it happened Penny didn't have to bring up the subject of controlling people's minds: on waking up she sensed two human heartbeats and one of them turned out to belong to detective Bellefleur.
The officer had heard about an Indian vampire spending time in the mall with a 'decent looking lady'. Fearing that he'd soon have a murder to investigate Andy Bellefleur had made it for the Compton residence. The lady however was very much alive and she assured him that she'd not been hypnotized into being a vampire's servant. Bill confirmed her statement but Bellefleur didn't trust Bon Temps oldest vampire. The policeman's mood improved when Penny entered the hall but Sheldon's arrival made him grunt.
"I see that you've met before?" Mary concluded. "Detective Bellefleur, this young man is my son. I learned about his... condition and I came to see whether he was all right as well as behaving himself properly."
"I'm not a child mother and -"
"Hush Shelly," Mrs Cooper cut off Sheldon to Bellefleur's pleasure. "Now detective, I assure you that Redge didn't mess with my mind in any way. The poor thing wouldn't even be able to do so, for he can't talk when there are ladies present. It's some weird disease."
"Mrs Fortenberry mentioned his stange behaviour ma'am," Bellefleur said while casting Sheldon a look.
"And now you think that it were best if my Shelly had the same problem, don't you?"
Bellefleur turned red. Mary laughed, took him by his arm and walked him to the front door.
"Let me tell you that life would be much more... peaceful if that were the case. Now detective," Mary said as she opened the door, "thank you very much for checking on me. Penny already told me about you and I agree with her: this town is fortunate to have such an involved officer to look after its inhabitants."
Penny softly told Sheldon to keep his mouth shut.
When Leonard, Howard and Raj emerged the smiling detective just drove away.
"Detective Bellefleur paid us a visit for he feared that Mrs Cooper had been glamoured into coming here," Bill explained for the benefit of the late risers. "And I'd like to talk about that in the car."
"The car to the airport?"
"No Howard. Mrs Cooper hired an RV -"
"The back of which is completely light-proof."
"Vampires can travel in aircrafts mother."
"For kittens it might be dangerous!" Raj whispered in Howard's ear.
"Are you implying to bring Arya home with you? Mum! Tell him she's mine!"
"Redge has no one to talk to at home and you'll have Penny. The kitten is his."
"What do you mean 'he has Penny' Mrs Cooper?" Leonard asked.
"Mr Compton informed me that you're moving out. I can check the place you're after during the day if you like."
"You don't plan to come with us, do you?"
"I want to make sure you're settled in Pasadena Sheldon. I can buy light-proof stuff for all of you and talk to your landlords and bosses and have a mother to mother conversation with Mrs Wolowitz if need be. I'm coming along period."
Bill didn't voice the fatherly concerns that made him drive to California. He would check their living conditions, offer advise on hiding places and such and last but not least introduce them to the Pasadena vampire community. In the back of his mind he reasoned that after spending over twenty-four hours in an RV he'd be ready to part with his offspring.
OoOoOoO
Fifteen minutes after they'd left Shrevesport behind them, Penny was humming off key and accompanying herself by tapping the door. Arya had peed in her brand new carrier and miaowed as if she were ten times her size. Sheldon was relating interesting facts about the US system of highways and questioning driver Bill to see if he was paying attention. Howard and Leonard were arguing about products for WHKC, with additional input from their friends. Mrs Cooper was snoring in the back.
When Penny asked Bill why he was smiling, he looked at her via the mirror and said: "We're on a family outing. What's not to like about that?"