Chapter 10
Despite being mentally and physically exhausted and the high level of alcohol in her system before she attempted sleep, the darkness still found Shepard and haunted her.
She woke after many restless hours to the sound of a Banshee scream. It took her a moment to settle back into reality, blinking hard to erase the nightmarish images from her mind. Once she did she found herself alone in an empty apartment. Her head ached and when she touched it she realized her body was covered in a cold sweat. She pulled herself up to sit cross legged and buried her face in her hands.
Her door beeped indicating someone outside and she realized that must have been what finally roused her from the nightmares. She looked towards the shaded windows and noticed it was morning.
She pushed herself up and made her way to the door. Tapping the vid com she saw Ashley Williams standing outside her door. As if sensing her eyes, Ashley held up two steaming cups of dark liquid. "I figured you might need this," she said through the vid.
Shepard allowed herself a smile and opened the door.
Ashley, looking fresh and pressed in her BDUs, arched a skeptical dark eyebrow at Shepard once she was inside. "Rough night? Geez you need a shower."
"Are you here with a peace offering or are you looking to get your ass kicked again," Shepard grumbled dryly.
Ashley smiled and handed over the coffee. "I thought you should see what's going on in the traverse this morning." The Commander walked to Shepard's personal com and after a moment, a news report was on the screen.
"…the sudden spike in reported sightings of Commander Shepard on the Citadel have the galaxy buzzing today." Several blurred images of Ashley leading Shepard through the Presidium on their way to the Officer Tower appeared. "After deflecting comment for months about the ultimate fate of Commander Shepard, Alliance Chief Admiral Hackett released the following statement just moments ago." The video cut to Hackett, looking impressive and in control as usual. "I can confirm that Commander Shepard did survive the Reaper invasion and subsequent attack on Earth. The details of her whereabouts these last few months are classified. However, the Alliance, humanity and I would expect many species across the galaxy will be happy to know that recently promoted Captain Shepard is alive and well."
The video cut back to the reporter. "No word on if or when we can expect comment from the Savior of the Galaxy herself, but no doubt the Captain will have to address the public soon."
"Is that Diana Allers?" Shepard said squinting at the reporter in the vid over her coffee.
Ashley nodded, "None other. Since her stint imbedded on the Normandy she's become the Alliance's go-to reporter."
"Good for her. I never had much luck with reporters but she was one of the few I didn't want to punch in the face. At least not all the time." Shepard turned the vid off.
"No doubt she'll be using her charms to coax you into an interview soon," Ashley said.
Shepard rubbed the scar on her forehead as had become a recent habit when she was stressed.
Ashley studied her covertly through the steam over her drink. Her former commander looked pale and weary, her blue eyes normally clear and focused seemed instead clouded and uncertain. In a word Ashley thought she looked haunted.
Clearing her throat she asked, "So what's your plan?"
"Plan?"
"Yeah, you always have a plan Shepard."
Shepard sat down with a heavy sigh. "I dunno." She winced, touching her abused left side.
"Well, you'll pardon me for saying so Captain but you're looking a little… puny. All those months in a hospital bed or... wherever the hell you were, didn't do much for you."
Shepard glanced down at herself, for the first time noticing how thin her own body was. Her muscle mass was greatly reduced and she'd certainly noticed a difference in her stamina.
"I mean look, you're like a pale, floppy Hannar…" Ashley was saying.
"A pale, floppy Hannar that kicked your ass," but her words had no sting to them. "I assume you have a point in here somewhere?"
Ashley smiled, "I've got some down time while the Normandy is docked. We should do some PT training together. Get you back in healthy, fighting form again. You'll feel better." She paused a moment, "And maybe the effort will help chase some of the demons up here," she tapped her own forehead, "away for a while." She glanced at her feet a moment, "It does for me."
"You spoke to Liara," it wasn't a question.
Ashley shrugged, "She's worried about you." She rolled her eyes dramatically and sighed, "What else is new."
"You're right," she nodded, suddenly feeling more invigorated with something to do. Something she could wrap her head around. Something to provide much needed focus. She put down her empty cup and stood, "Lets go."
###
A few hours later when she returned to her apartment, Shepard showered and collapsed onto the bed, her body pleasantly exhausted from physical effort. Ash had pushed her and it had been just what she needed. She felt more clear headed than she had since… well, so long she couldn't recall.
Her personal com was blinking indicating a message waiting for her. She contemplated ignoring it but the slight possibility it could be Liara motivated her to play it instead.
It was Hackett calling her in for an official debrief. He also mentioned the Counsel would want to hear from her directly as well. This was all to be expected, but caused anxiety to swell in her gut just the same.
"Just get it over with Shepard," she mumbled to herself. She walked over to her closet and found uniforms hanging in place waiting for her, all with an added Captain's bar.
Looking at herself in the mirror with her dress blues on, her uniform hung loose on her weakened frame. A few more weeks with Ash and she was certain that wouldn't be an issue. She ran a hand through her shoulder length hair, letting it fall into place. Her eyes travelled to the scar above her left eye, still red and fresh with new skin. Her cheeks were gaunt and her lips were pale but her eyes were bright and a clear, piercing blue. With one last grimace at her own reflection she headed to Hackett's office.
The officer posted outside snapped to attention when she arrived and saluted her crisply.
"Captain Shepard, it's an honor. The Admiral is expecting you." The young soldier opened the door for her.
She graced him with a salute and a smile, "As you were Lieutenant."
She found Hackett at an oval table surrounded by galaxy maps speaking quietly with Miranda. They looked up when she entered.
"Captain, thanks for coming." They mutually saluted. "How does it feel to be back in uniform?"
"To be honest, a little strange."
Miranda avoided Shepard's gaze, instead busying herself with prep of the debriefing material.
They sat around the table and Hackett began, "Alright Captain, we have detailed information leading up to your final push for the beam. Please start there and detail your movements and the events resulting to the best of your ability."
Shepard took in a breath to focus herself. She could remember standing on the ridge with Anderson very clearly. She detailed the push to the beam. The Reaper fire increasing as they approached. The several ton vehicles flying through the air like toys. Doubling back and calling the evac for Liara and Ashley. Watching the Normandy fly away from the war zone as she pushed forward to the beam that would carry them to the Citadel. Harbinger. The blackout. The blood. The choking smell of death and decaying flesh. Anderson's voice. The Illusive Man.
She stared at Miranda as she detailed trying to reason with the Illusive Man. He had been the mastermind behind Cerberus and Miranda's boss, not to mention Shepard's for a time. He had planned and funded the Lazarus Project that brought Shepard back from death the first time. At one time he had been a visionary, a leader, an advocate for humanity. But his motives became twisted over time, corrupt, diabolical. Shepard described when she realized his indoctrination by the Reapers was beyond reversal. Watching him end his own life, too far away and slowed by injury to stop him. She spoke of sitting with Anderson as he died.
She paused.
"Anderson was a fine soldier," Hackett said respectfully, no doubt assuming her pause was instigated by reflection on the loss of her long time commanding officer.
"The best," she answered. But her reason for the pause was not Anderson. It was the fact that she was about to fabricate history.
"Once the Citadel and the Crucible were connected, nothing happened immediately, Hackett prompted. "I contacted you via com link. What did you do to activate the Crucible?"
"By that time I had lost a lot of blood. My memory is fuzzy. There was a control panel on the platform. I crawled to it… I'm not sure what the controls were. I just remember trying everything I could… then a bright flash and…" she looked up at Hackett, "darkness."
But it hadn't been darkness. It had been an AI in the form of the boy she'd witnessed die on Earth during the initial Reaper attack. And then came the impossible choice.
She swallowed and met Hackett's gaze steadily. "For me there was nothing else until I woke up in the med bay with Oriana Lawson two weeks ago." She shook her head, remembering the panic rushing through her body as she became aware of her surroundings. "I didn't even know if we'd succeeded. If the Reapers were defeated… if anyone survived."
Hackett pressed a control to end the debrief recording. "Thank you Captain. I know reliving that… it can't be easy."
"It's not. For any of us." She glanced at Miranda, who was staring at her hands.
"I will file this report and send it to the Counsel. They will no doubt want to speak with you directly. They are finally appointing a new human representative tomorrow so perhaps then."
"Yes, sir," Shepard said.
Hackett made his way back to his desk. Shepard stayed at the table a moment with Miranda. "I'm sorry about the Illusive Man. I know you believed in him," she said quietly.
Miranda looked up, her eyes glistening with unexpressed emotion. "I did once. But he cost us a lot more human lives than was ever necessary by trying to control the Reapers. Now all I can do is try to make use of the resources he built to make things right."
"Right according to who?"
Miranda looked at Shepard and smiled sadly, "You of course."