Smile

Ayra - Gran 757

Shanan wasn't in the infirmary. Not too much of a surprise, since he'd been recovering well, but he still slept there instead of a room of his own and he wasn't there. He wasn't with Finn and I didn't ask because he was occupied by Ethlyn, who doted on him as she did her own brother. I couldn't find Oifeye. Alicia, for once, wasn't in the infirmary either, which meant I had no idea where the hell she was. The only time I'd seen her leave the infirmary had been when she went to the field infirmary! So here I was, rushing about Marpha Castle, desperately trying to figure out where Shanan was, because no one was where I expected they would be!

"If you keep storming about like that, you'll bring a thundercloud inside the walls." And to make matters oh-so-much better, Lex was here. "You're scaring the servants," he noted, casually leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. "Not very nice, you know."

"Perhaps I'm not a nice person," I replied automatically. I knew I should feel bad about scaring them, especially since they had to deal with all of our messes, but until I knew where Shanan was, I honestly couldn't care less. I had to take care of him. I had to keep him safe. Mariccle had asked me to, so I… "Don't think it matters either way. Are you just here to prod me?"

"Well, I could just watch you run about like a headless chicken as you have been, but Azel would scold me. Or worse, pout." Lex shrugged, and I barely suppressed the urge to glare. "If you're looking for Shanan, he's out back with Sigurd and Alicia."

"...Thank you…" Didn't like being so easily read, but then again, I was certain that everyone in the damn army knew two things about me. One, I was Isaachian royalty. Two, I took care of Shanan.

"Not a problem. Sigurd seemed to drag both of them out quickly, so I was sure that no one had told you." He shrugged, pushed off the wall, and walked away. "Get some sunshine. We really don't need rain, you know."

"Ah…" I watched him leave, and realized… I realized that he hadn't been there randomly. He had actually been looking for me. Because he knew I'd be scared and frantic. And that just reminded me of something I had needed to say for days. "Um… I'm sorry!" I blurted the words out before my pride slammed my mouth shut to make the words crash into my teeth, and he turned back, looking bewildered. "For what I said in Genoa. At the arena." I looked down at the floor, in the hopes that would make it easier. Because I needed to apologize. I'd known that for a while. No matter how annoyed I was, or how patronized I had felt, as soon as I had accused him of lying… that locked up look on his face was so different, and it told me that I had done more than hit a nerve. I'd gouged it and poured salt on the incision. "I… I appreciate the effort, but I have to work past…"

"Yeah, Alicia reminded me of that, and I logiced my way through once I'd calmed down a bit and all." He spoke softly, and when I glanced up, I saw he was smiling. A very different smile than I had seen before. It was softer, gentler. "But I do mean it. Sigurd is too straightforward to even think about lying."

"I'm learning that." Not just that, but it was how bright he was. It seemed like he simply couldn't be anything other than straightforward and be exactly as he appeared. His own light burned away any shadows where he might have hidden masks and lies. "It's hard. But I am learning." And I was learning the rest of this army was much the same, because they loved their lord. They loved Sigurd, and so, they risked treason to keep Shanan and me safe. All because he had promised me. "You said Shanan was out back?"

"Yep. When you get outside, just follow the laughter." Now he grinned. "You can't miss them."

"Thank you."

I escaped before I got too embarrassed and blurted out something random that would make me seem like a fool. I thought I heard him chuckle, but I decided to ignore him if he was. Instead, I ran outside, circling around until I heard the laughter Lex had told me to use as a guide. Then I came on the courtyard, where Shanan and Sigurd were playing tag or something, Sigurd making sure to keep things fair, and Alicia watched them with a small smile, mending something as she always did. But most of that barely caught my attention because Shanan was laughing. Shanan was smiling. I had seen and heard it before, of course, but it was still a relief to see him so happy. Oifeye, Finn, Sigurd… they had given Shanan back his smile. That was another reason why I was moving past. No matter my feelings for Grannvale, it was hard to hate the people who helped Shanan so. It was hard to distrust them.

"Alicia, you sure you don't want to play?" Shanan asked, rushing over to her. She set her mending to the side so that he could rest his hands on her knees and better look up at her. "It is really fun!"

"I can tell, but I am content in watching," Alicia replied, gently touching his cheek. Her smile was different from the one I was used to her wearing. It was much softer and warmer, not something meant to soothe the looker, but something she truly felt. "Go on, and don't worry about me. I'm having fun too."

"You sure?" Shanan hesitated for a split-second before hugging her and rushing back to Sigurd to continue the game. Which quickly turned into Sigurd picking Shanan up to spin him around, to Shanan's excited shrieks of laughter.

Alicia turned back to her mending, but she looked up and saw me standing there. Her smile turned more into the smile I was used to seeing, and she beckoned me over. "Lord Sigurd wondered if Lord Shanan might want to play outside," she explained as I gingerly sat down next to her. Didn't want to sit on a needle. That hurt. "I worried for his health, and so, Lord Sigurd suggested that I come outside as well to watch."

"I see," I whispered, smiling slightly. I couldn't help but laugh when I looked back to Sigurd and Shanan playing. "I'm glad he's recovering."

"He still has quite a ways to go, but he is doing well." She focused on her mending; I wondered why we had so many people tearing their clothes. "I imagine we can switch him to a more typical diet soon. I am certain he will enjoy having sweets again."

"Oh, of course."

"Ah, Princess Ayra!" Sigurd walked over, with Shanan sitting on his shoulders. Shanan continued laughing, and he beamed at me. "Would you like to join in?" he asked me. Then he paused and looked at Alicia. "Er… Shanan can still play, right?"

"I don't see why he can't, though I do worry about your schedule, Lord Sigurd," Alicia replied, something about her serene expression more playful than normal. I briefly wondered if the two were in those early stages of mutual attraction before dismissing the thought. It wasn't my business at all. "Do you not have meetings?"

"Quan has been badgering me about taking a break, so I pushed things on him." Sigurd grinned and lifted Shanan up to set him back on the ground. Shanan immediately raced for a nearby apple tree, tripping a few times. "Regardless, though, Princess Ayra? Would you like to join?"

"I suppose," I replied, standing up and heading towards the tree. Sigurd quickly fell in step with me. "But you can drop the title, you know." I smiled bitterly at him. "I'm the 'princess' of a country that has fallen, or will fall soon."

"A country is its people more than its rulers, yes?" Sigurd countered easily. "If your people are half as determined as you are, then I don't think even the gods could make Isaach fall." The words were firm, even if they were spoken with a warm smile. "However, if you feel more comfortable or safer, then I will gladly drop the title."

"It is… safer, yes." I just did not know how someone like this was raised in Grannvale, much less survived to adulthood. "Besides, with the way Shanan is running, it's a good idea to save your breath."

"Seems so!" Sigurd just grinned. "Race you to him!"

"You're on!" The words were automatic, my competitiveness kicking in, and by the time we reached Shanan at the tree, I found that I was smiling too.

I… I had worried I had made a mistake. But maybe I hadn't. Maybe it was just… oh, philosophizing wasn't like me. I'd just take the days one day at a time, and hopefully, smiles would be more common. I thought they might be, one day.

Author's Notes: Another Ayra POV, this time set between Chapter 4 of Memoirs of the Holy War and Interlude - Marpha. Mostly focused on Ayra trying to move past her own trauma.