Casey slept off and on the next day, the stress and strain of trying to help him was wearing on Kelly and he spent most of the day parked on the floor as well. He dozed off for a while, waking up constantly, looking over at Casey, making sure nothing was wrong. He woke up once and Casey was curled on his side with the teddy bear in the crook of his arm, like a lifeline. He woke up again, Casey was rolled on his other side and the bear was between them on the floor, collapsed on all fours and looking like it was in a permanent yoga position. The next time Kelly woke up it was because Casey had rolled over onto him in his sleep again and had his face pressed in the crook of Kelly's neck. It seemed to him that whatever Casey was dreaming about, it was not his attack. Instead, sleep seemed to have become a source of escape for Matt, and Kelly was thankful for that.

That night, Casey sat against the couch and looked around the room. Kelly noticed this but wasn't sure whether he should broach the subject or not.

Finally, Casey turned to him and said, "I want to try having the lights out tonight."

Kelly nodded, "Okay, sure, whatever you want." He hoped that it didn't backfire on them, he turned off the lights and they sat on the floor watching TV for the next few hours before they finally fell asleep. The night seemed to pass without incident, and Kelly took that has a huge improvement.

The next night however, they took a step back when out of nowhere, there was a loud noise and all the power went out in the apartment.

"Kelly!"

Severide was two rooms away from Casey and his first instinct was to get to the breaker box.

"Hang on!" he said as he made his way through the apartment in the dark. Working by pure instinct, he found the box and flipped it open, not having a light to see the switches by, he felt them all to see if any were in the wrong place. He found one that didn't align with the rest and threw the switch. The lights came back on.

"Casey?"

Kelly found him on the kitchen floor beside the table, his arms up covering his head, his eyes were closed and he moaned incoherently. Kelly fell on his knees beside Casey and nudged him to get his attention.

"It's alright, Casey, the lights are back on, it's alright."

"It's not that," Casey moaned as he lowered his arms and opened his eyes and reluctantly looked at him. "I hate this, I hate everything about this...I hate myself. I hate what I've become. He...he...he," Casey's chest started heaving as a dry hiccuping sob tore through him, "He's in my head, and I can't get rid of him. I'm never going to get rid of him...it's like he...possessed me...he owns me...I'm never going to get away from him."

Kelly was at a loss for words and his only response was to put his arms around Casey and hold him as tightly against him as possible, wanting nothing more than to be able to promise Matt that that wasn't the case, but he couldn't.

"Why..." the word came out of nowhere and surprised Severide, as Casey struggled to keep speaking, "Why did he do it? Why...why did he target me?"

"I don't know, buddy, I don't know," Kelly said, "I'm sorry."

A particularly heartbreaking sob made its way out of Casey as he sucked in a desperate breath and told Kelly, "I'm never going to be normal again...I'll always be broken."

Kelly shook his head, furious that he didn't know how to help Casey get past this mental block the attack had left on him.

"You are not broken, you are recovering, and you are going to get past this, you just need to be patient with yourself. I know it's hard, I know it feels impossible, but I know you can do it. That's the kind of person you are."

Casey held onto him and tearfully replied, feeling far less sure of himself than Kelly did, "The kind I used to be."

Kelly shook his head again. "You still are, Matt. Nothing's changed that."

Casey collapsed against Severide, out and out sobbing, any words far beyond his ability to form now. It took some coaxing but Kelly finally managed to get Casey up off the floor and led him out to the living room and got him settled on the blankets and got him tucked in for the night as Matt started to wear out, a while later he was actually asleep, and Kelly hoped he'd stay that way. It went without saying, the lights would be on all night.

The next morning Casey sat at the kitchen table with his hands on the sides of his face and his eyes cast down towards the table, he'd been this way practically since he woke up, and so far he wouldn't tell Kelly what it was about, though Severide suspected it had to do with what had happened last night.

Finally, Casey looked over at Kelly and told him, "I'm ashamed of what my life has become. I shouldn't be this way."

"It's not your fault," Kelly said. "Your mind is just responding to the attack the only way it knows how."

"By crippling me," Casey replied as he leaned back in his chair, "I can't do anything. I'll never be able to go back to 51 at this rate...how the hell am I going to operate in zero visibility when I freak out if the lights go out here?"

"It's just going to take time, Casey."

"I don't have time," Casey pointed out. "It's only one more week until we're supposed to go back on shift."

"A lot can happen in a week, look, obviously you won't be back at 100% in 2 weeks, but you'll be a lot better than you were immediately after it happened," Kelly told him. "I'm sure you'd at least be well enough to go back to work, and you'd still be recovering while you did it."

"I can't have anyone else find out about this," Casey shook his head, "what will I do back at work?"

"Well, maybe by then you'd be up to speaking to a therapist about this," Kelly suggested.

"No!" Casey shot that idea to hell.

"Okay then," Kelly thought again, "maybe you could talk to Orlovsky."

Casey's face took on an expression of pure horror. "I can't talk to a chaplain about something like this."

"You wouldn't have to tell him the whole story, just fine tune the details...fact, you were attacked, fact, you were nearly killed, fact, you are having a hard time processing this, it's still the truth, just not the whole truth, and he'd understand that."

"I'm pretty sure it's a huge sin to lie to a chaplain, Kelly," Casey remarked, "even if it is only by omission."

"You could always tell him you don't want to go into all the details, he counsels people through all kinds of stuff, he wouldn't think that's unreasonable."

"But he'd know what that meant," Casey said. "You tell somebody you were attacked and you don't want to go into all the details, that only leaves one possibility as to why. And that's not even..."

Kelly's eyebrows knitted together, "That's not what?"

Casey looked down again and shook his head, "I can't tell you. You don't understand."

"I'm trying."

Casey moaned in defeat, "No, you don't understand, you don't know what happened, what...really happened...I don't want to talk about it."

"Then you don't have to."

"I wish I could, Kelly...I think if I could that it would make some difference, that it would help...but I just can't."

"If you ever change your mind-"

"I don't think it's possible," Casey shook his head miserably.

Kelly reached across the table and patted Casey's hand with his own. "If you ever decide you do...it doesn't matter what it is, Casey, it's not going to change what I think of you."

Casey lifted his head up and nodded, "Yes it will...it will change a lot of what you think. I never meant...I didn't want...I can't tell you about it, I'm sorry."

"Matt, you haven't done anything to be sorry for," Kelly told him. "This wasn't your fault."

That night Casey opted to try having the lights out again, the TV was kept on but as the night got later and both men got tired, Kelly turned the volume down to practically mute, hoping they'd both be able to get some sleep. The light from the screen was still enough to wake him up repeatedly. One time he woke up, and turned over and saw the second sleeping bag was laying open and empty. Confused, Kelly got up on his hands and knees and moved over to the other side of the makeshift bed and quietly called out, "Casey? Casey?"

It wasn't that he heard something that made him turn his head and look, but somehow a feeling just came over him to look behind him. And from the light of the TV he was able to make out Casey sitting on his knees beside the couch, his arms wrapped around himself and his head hung low. Kelly moved over towards him and up close he saw Casey had Hallie's teddy bear hugged against his chest with his chin pressed against the top of its head, and though he didn't move, and his breathing wasn't erratic, and in fact he wasn't making any sound whatsoever, it was impossible not to notice the two trails of tears running down his face, that spoke volumes about everything he was trying to hold in and gradually failing to.

Kelly didn't say anything, he didn't know what to say, he wasn't sure there was anything to say. He just sat beside his friend and pulled Casey into his arms, and pressed his chin against the top of Casey's head, and let him cry until he fell asleep.

The next thing Kelly knew, he opened his eyes and saw the two of them were still sitting up against the couch, Casey laid against him, still sound asleep, the teddy bear still tucked firmly in one arm. Kelly's back was sore but he didn't want to wake Casey up, slowly he pushed himself down to lay flat on the floor with Casey on top of him, through it all the Truck lieutenant never stirred. Kelly reached over and grabbed a sheet from the pile of linens and draped it over both of them, and closed his eyes and waited for sleep to take him again.

"I didn't want to tell you what happened, but I don't think I have any choice," Casey said to him when he woke up the next morning. It was early, it was still dark outside, the only light in the living room was from the TV which had been playing a marathon of 'Bewitched' for most of the night and the disc had restarted itself. Casey's eyes stayed focused on the TV and not the man sitting beside him, as he tried to explained, "I told you that you didn't really know what happened..."

Kelly tried to prepare himself for what was coming, tried to imagine what the worst news could be. Tried to brace himself not to react to what it was that Casey said.

That however seemed to be all the further Casey could go without any noticeable trouble. He cast his gaze towards the floor and anxiously rubbed the side of his head with one hand as he tried to get up the nerve to talk.

"Can I ask you something?" Kelly wanted to know. He was sure this went against everything of how to get a victim to open up, but something had been eating at him that he just had to know. "Did we get there during the worst of it?"

"Um..." Casey hesitated as he continued to compulsively touch his face, "that's just it...I don't think the worst had started yet...I told you about what he did to me the first time..."

He remembered the boot grinding into his back, the kicks he'd taken to the ribs, to his face, that had been easy to deal with compared to what came next.

"He uh...he...he grabbed me," Casey forced the words out. "That was the first time I realized that he was...was going to..." he gagged before the next word came out. But he pressed on.

"After I tried to get away, after he body slammed me into the boards...I was on the ground and I was in so much pain I couldn't move, I couldn't fight. I felt his hands...I felt him taking off my belt...I still couldn't get up...he..." Casey squeezed his eyes shut as he recollected, "He took off my clothes...then he jerked my arms behind my back and tied my wrists together with the belt..."

With every word it was physically obvious how much harder it was getting for Casey to continue, finally Kelly decided he had to intervene.

"You don't have to tell me anymore, Matt...whatever happened it wasn't your fault."

"But that's just it," Casey turned to him, a shamed look on his face, "nothing did happen...I wasn't...he didn't...I-I-I...wasn't...raped...not really...not yet."

Kelly looked at him confusedly, "What do you mean? I saw-"

What had he seen? More than he ever cared to, that was for sure, but what had he actually seen?

Casey lowered his head and burst into tears as the memories came flooding back, he latched onto Kelly and clung to him, unable to continue with his confession, for the moment at least. Later, gradually, with much difficulty, he finally confided in Severide what had actually happened before he and the others arrived.

Kelly waited until Casey was taking a shower, the only time he could be sure Matt wouldn't overhear what he was doing, and he called Antonio.

"Casey gave me a few more details about what happened, that maybe it'll help you catch the guy," he said reluctantly. "The problem is...I'm not sure I can tell you."

"What the hell does that even mean, Kelly?" Antonio asked.

"He didn't want to tell me...it's taken him this long to even do it...and...I understand now why he didn't want to...I think I understand now why he wanted to kill himself."

"Why what?" Antonio asked.

Kelly shook his head dismissively, "Nothing...just forget I said anything."

"What happened, Kelly?"

"Uh..." Kelly reached up with his free hand and grabbed a handful of his hair and yanked it nervously. "I...I don't think I can say it."

He heard Antonio sigh in frustration. "Kelly, you know we're not allowed to ask people leading questions about stuff like this."

Severide nodded. "I know."

"But I'm gonna do it anyway so we can narrow this down," Antonio told him. "Did Casey say he was raped?"

"No...not exactly."

"Alright," that didn't seem to slow Antonio down, "was he assaulted?"

"Yes."

"Sexually?"

There was a pause.

"Yes," Kelly admitted.

"I know this is hard, Kelly, but bear with me. Was Casey penetrated?"

Oh God, Kelly ran his hand over his forehead, to say he knew why Casey didn't want to tell anyone this was an understatement, he didn't want to tell anyone either and he knew he had to if the cops were ever going to catch the bastard responsible.

"Yes," he finally answered.

"Was he sodomized?"

Kelly groaned and just about dropped the phone. No wonder Casey struggled to tell him any of this.

"Kelly?"

"I don't...I don't think so..."

"If he'd had any symptoms of internal bleeding, you would've noticed long before now," Antonio pointed out.

"I know."

"But he was penetrated."

"Yes," Kelly hissed, wishing all of this was over and done with.

"Did he specify?"

Kelly looked at his phone then put it back towards his ear as if he'd heard wrong, "What?"

"Look Kelly, I don't get kicks out of asking this, but we gotta know. Was it anal, oral, or digital?"

Kelly hit his phone against the table and was just about to start hitting his head against the linoleum too.

"Kelly?"

"What?" he asked helplessly as he picked up the phone again.

"Did Casey specify?"

Kelly sighed in aggravation, "Go with number three."

"I know this is hard, Kelly, but this could help us find the bastard," Antonio told him.

"He's embarrassed about the whole thing," Kelly said. "He can't figure out why it's traumatized him so much since...since he wasn't...actually, raped."

"Violation is violation, Kelly, of course it's going to affect him, when somebody does something like this, it takes away their sense of security, they feel powerless, and we know Matt doesn't do well when he can't be in control of a situation, let alone his own life."

"Believe me, I've noticed," Kelly murmured.

"Did Casey put up a struggle, do you know?"

Kelly shook his head. "He couldn't, I think...I think he was too scared to try."

"That might not be the worst thing possible, Kelly. These guys aren't one size fits all, sometimes it pays to fight back, sometimes it just makes things worse. Given that he didn't do anything to Casey while he was unconscious the first time, it's possible he's one of these bastards that lives for the fight, it drives them on to watch their victims struggle...it's possible Casey delayed the worst of it simply because he didn't try to fight, the sooner this guy got what he wanted from Casey, the quicker he'd lose interest and probably kill him."

Kelly had had his suspicions about that but actually hearing somebody confirm it was far worse.

"Doesn't do much for his peace of mind though."

"Even though we advocate people fighting back, we still teach people not to fight, as long as they survive what happens they can probably learn to deal with that."

Kelly wondered something for a minute and asked, "What if you can't?"