Mida| Hi guyyyyys! it's been so long. i am terribly sorry about this, i've been really busy with life. i'm not gonna get into details but just so you know, i'm a survivor of depression now. I had to deal with my darkest corners of mind and i was in no shape to be writing such delicate chapter. as you all know, I'm starting a new relationship for Dean just when Cas broke it off with Balthazar. so for a change, the roles are gonna be reversed now. BUT don't think everything will be peachy. you know the silence before the storm? well, these next 3-4 chapters will be like that. so, don't get too comfy.
now, for this chapter i wanna thank my baby, the girl who saved me from myself, precious-passenger . baby this is for you. Thanks for making me believe again when i was almost done with life. :)
oh and guys please listen to The memory - Mayday Parade while u read the chapter. :D
March 17th, 2009
Dean was working on his new song, slowly strumming down his guitar. He had another 30 minutes before the show started. He was becoming an addict to that silly little show.
He wrote the last few notes down and nodded satisfied. It was a sad song but he couldn't help it. Ever since he remembered his first audition, he couldn't shake Cas off his mind. He missed the blue eyes. Hell at this point he even missed the fights they had.
He took a deep breath and started playing the song one last time for himself, so he could put it aside to show it to Lisa later. Just like every other night these days she was out with the doctor. He was actually waiting for her to tell him that she was going to move Lisa's relationship with the doctor had become something serious when Dean wasn't looking, too preoccupied to notice how the flirty glances turned into something more. He shook his head playing the song one last time for himself.
"I, I who have nothing
I, I who have no one
Adore you, and want you so
I'm just a no one
With nothing to give you
But Ooh, I love you"
Dean glanced at the sheets and changed a high note that felt too early in the song.
"He, He buys you diamonds
Bright sparkling diamonds
But believe me, boy, when I say
That he could give you the world
But he'll never love you the way
That I love you…"
He took a deep breath. Man, he hated Balthazar so damn much. He could just start swearing at this point of the song. something along the lines of "He's an asshole and a son of a bitch, he can never buy enough colognes to make that disappear." he knew better than to even try though. Only Ceelo Green could swear in a song and get away with it.
"He can take you anyplace you want
To fancy clubs and restaurants
But I can only watch you with
My nose pressed up against the window pane
Ooo Yeah... Yeah
I,I who have nothing
I Who have no one
Must watch you
Go passing by
Wrapped in the arms of somebody else
When darling it's I
Who loves you…"
Why couldn't he ever go and tell these to Cas? Why had he never tried harder? Why was it so hard for Cas to understand that it was Dean who was in love with him… He'd probably never figure any of it out.
"I want to be the one that you just can't live without
I want to be the one that you never feel no doubt
I want to be the one that you let give you the lovin'
But, I have nothing
I want to be the one that you always want to be near
I want to say the words that your body and soul need to hear
I want to be the one that you let give you all the lovin'
But I have nothing …"
His phone started ringing as he put down his guitar and reached to change some little details about the song. One quick glance towards the phone and he knew it was Pam. He was so not in the mood for her. He'd call her back later.
Minutes later he set his guitar aside and picked up the remote control, turning the volume up. The show had started. Country week. Of course it was! This one had to be cool. It was actually good to have a distraction these days.
"First off, wanna wish everybody a happy Saint Patrick day." Ryan said and Dean spat out his water. Fuck. He had totally forgotten about this day. That was probably why his phone had been going crazy all day. Not that he'd answered anyone anyway. He knew Sam would call him after he came back from work later that night.
Huh… his baby brother was a full on lawyer now. It was kind of cute.
He wasn't really paying attention much till Kris came on stage. His performance reminded him of his own on the second week. It had been the first time for him to put down his guitar. For it had been the Elvis week. And he had sang "Always on my mind". He could still remember his own tears. That was the moment everyone started noticing the "Hot boy with emotions". Man he hated that phrase.
He'd always wanted to be as big as Elvis. He wanted his songs to still be heard years after he died. Sadly he'd never know if he succeeded or not.
It was Adam's turn and Randy looked like he had been punched in the guts. Dean snorted when he heard his reaction to Adam's nail polish. Well, till now everyone thought he was nice so maybe… Dean stopped himself there. No maybes till he met Adam himself.
"Love is a burning thing
And it makes a fiery ring.
Bound by wild desire
I fell into a ring of fire.
I fell into a burning ring of fire,
I went down, down, down as the flames went higher
And it burns, burns, burns,
The ring of fire, the ring of fire.
The taste of love is sweet
When hearts like ours meet.
I fell for you like a child,
Oh, but the fire went wild.
I fell into a burning ring of fire,
I went down, down, down as the flames went higher
And it burns, burns, burns,
The ring of fire, the ring of fire.
I fell into a burning ring of fire,
I went down, down, down as the flames went higher
And it burns, burns, burns,
The ring of fire, the ring of fire.
And it burns, burns, burns,
The ring of fire, the ring of fire,
The ring of fire, the ring of fire."
Dean found himself a little breathless at the acts. They messy hair, with spikes of green and blue, the piercing blue eyes, the full lips … and in the middle he even glimpsed a bit of the tanned skin on the boy's belly. The whole performance made his breath come out short and he was really, really attracted to Adam. This was not good. Not good at all. Sure it wasn't country but it had the feeling of some old Led Zeppelin songs to it.
He booed Simon when he started smashing Adam with his words.
"Not cool dude! Not cool! He was good and you have to admit…"
He jumped, mid-sentence, when his phone started ringing and he leaned forward fetching it from the table. Sure enough, it was Sammy.
"Hey ya Sammy." He breathed out still a bit breathless.
"Hey lover boy. How are you?"
"Shut up!" Dean spat back, but his smile was showing in his voice.
"Yeah, love you too bro. Happy Saint Patrick's day."
Dean's smile turned to a grin.
"You too Sammy. How's Jess? You two ok?"
"Yeah, what about you? You ok? Still not drinking I hope?"
"Oh come on! Of course not. I'm not crazy you know…"
"Ok fine! Sorry I'm worried about my big brother."
Dean rolled his eyes.
"Did you see him? Is he good or what?"
Sam pulled yet another roll of eyes from Dean.
"Yes I saw him. He's… he's good."
"Good? Dean come on! He's not good, he's awesome. He kinda reminds me of you."
"Oh come on Sam! Now you're comparing him to me?"
Dean whined.
"You know I'm right! I can feel you already like him!"
"Fuck you! Stop pushing your nose up my ass bitch!"
Dean said, his humor showing in the vibrating tone of his voice, he was trying hard not to laugh out loud.
"Shut up jerk! You know I'm right."
"Oh go away I wanna sleep."
"Again, I love you too. You got any idea when you're on?"
"No, not yet."
Dean paused.
"But Pam called earlier. Maybe she has news. I'll call her back when I can… You and Jess gonna come see me this weekend?"
Man, he hated sounding this needy. But he missed the Sasquatch more than he was willing to admit.
"Yeah Dean, we'll see you on Saturday. You keep safe ok?"
Dean smiled.
"You too kiddo. Say hi to Jess."
He put the phone aside and smiled as he leaned back on the couch.
"Oh come on! Really?" he muttered as the Indian guy started singing always on my mind. Couldn't he get one fucking hour of peace without an image of Cas overshadowing his life?
"Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied, satisfied
Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine
If I make you feel second best
Girl, I'm sorry I was blind
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied, satisfied
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You are always on my mind
You are always on my mind…"
Dean sighed and turned the TV off. Whatever. He needed to call Pam and then go to sleep.
He fished hi phone and dialed his agent, and sure enough she picked up before the third ring.
"Dean! Where the fuck have you been?"
Dean sighed dramatically.
"Home! 'was working on a new song. What's up?"
"Nigel's agent called. They want you to go in for top 8. You game?"
"Do I have any other choice?"
"Not from where I see…"
"Yeah…that's what I thought!"
Dean mumbled.
"Dean… that's not the only reason I called…"
"What now?" Dean almost whined.
"Balthazar… he called and… he said he's not going to extend your contract."
"WHAT?"
Ok. This was just… he'd always known that Balthazar was an asshole but this was just…
"WHY?"
"Seriously? You need to ask why?"
"Yeah Pam. If this is about Ca…, him, then why did it take Balthazar so many years to realize he's not cool with the situation?"
"Dean… I don't know, ok? All I know is that your, our, best chance is that you behave on Idol and I'm pretty sure Sony will take you on. Just, please…"
"Yeah, Pam. I got it. Behave! Jeez! It's not like I'm a crazy asshole or something."
Pam snorted in a way that indicated she didn't think of Dean any less than a crazy asshole. Whatever.
"If you're done making fun of me, I'm gonna go and sleep." Dean said annoyed.
"Alright you big baby. Don't forget, you're on for top 8, ok?"
"Send me an e-mail so it goes on my calendar."
Dean hung up before Pam could get the chance to protest.
He tried not to think about why Balthazar had backed off, and honestly he could care less. He needed to sleep.
March 21st, 2009
Adam took a deep breath shaking his hands by his side. He still couldn't believe he was gonna meet Smokey Robinson, was that just awesome or what. He made sure he was wearing his smile before going into the room.
He was really stressed, considering Randy's reaction from last week. And it didn't help that he kept dreaming about Dean. He wasn't really surprised about his wet dreams starring the guy though. He's roommates with Kris and honestly the guy is the only one Adam feels attracted to in the whole group and to top all the frustration, not only he's straight, he's also married! He was being sexually tortured. Not fun.
Smokey was smiling at him when Adam entered the room so he stepped forward, shaking the older man's hand.
"Hi, I'm Adam…" he said, his voice a little shaky. Ok where the hell was the confident Adam Lambert now that he needed to make an impression?
"Hello Adam, it's nice to see you here." Smokey fixed him with a scanning look.
"You ready?"
Adam bit his lip. Why the hell did he choose a Smokey song? He cleaned his sweaty hand on his thigh, gripping the piano with his other hand.
"I'm really nervous right now." Adam laughed shakily.
"That's ok, what you gonna sing?"
"Yeah I mean this is your song. One of your songs… um… tracks of my tears!"
"Oh, fantastic." Smokey said kindly. "Go on then, lemme see what you got boy."
Adam took in a deep breath and nodded at the guy behind the piano. He started singing and slowly the nerves left his body. This is it, isn't it? This feeling is why he wants to do this. He belongs in the music world. If only…
The song finished and Smokey looked happy with it.
"Including me, everyone I ever heard sing it, um, it…it's sorta like pushing doors, and it goes up, and especially when you get to the ending it's like 'America look at my face'. But you just kept it tender and sweet and soft and I've never heard it done like that." Smokey said in his usual enthusiasm moving his hands all over the place and Adam felt on top of the world.
"Awesome… uh, well I wanted to ask you, what inspired you to write it?" Adam asked. He wanted to know if he chose the song for the right reasons. He needed to show his softer side. The side from years before… Years before, when his boyfriend…
No he can't think about that now. Not now.
"I thought about what if a person had cried so much, until if you got really close up to them and looked them in their face, you could see that the tears have left tracks on their face…" Smokey said looking closely at his face and Adam closed his eyes.
"oooff…" he breathe out shaking his head. Don't think about him, not now. He told himself and tried to look like he was only thinking about Smokey's words.
When he got out of the room, he knew he had chosen the right song. This was his way of showing Dean he wasn't just some happy kid who knows nothing about real life and how hard it can get. He could show Dean how they had so much more than just music in common. That is of course if Dean watched the show.
March 24th, 2009
Dean sat down on the couch handing Pam her beer and smiled as he spotted Adam on the stage, looking amazingly different. He had styled his hair back and was wearing a grey suit. It was refreshing to watch him like that, sitting in the dim lights.
"Wow, you really do like him don't you? I thought Sam was just pulling shit on you again the other night but…"
"Oh for heaven's sake, shut up!" Dean groaned and leaned back to his couch listening to Adam.
"People say I'm the life of the party
'Cause I tell a joke or two
Although I might be laughing loud and hearty
Deep inside I'm blue
So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears
Outside I'm masquerading
Inside my hope is fading
Just a clown ooh yeah since you put me down
My smile is my makeup
I wear since my break up with you
Baby, baby, baby… take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears
I need you… I need you… I need …"
Dean took a deep breath staring at the screen. He felt so… ok maybe, just maybe, Adam was more than what he'd given him credit for. Dean was absolutely out of breath. Those last high notes had left him speechless. Everything about that performance moved him to his very cores. He felt the lyrics seep into his veins and clench his heart.
He was now very excited to meet this guy. He wasn't stupid, he knew when a person was faking their emotions but Adam… Dean wanted to know what, or who, ha hurt Adam so hard that he'd poured his soul out in the song like that.
March 30th, 2009
Castiel was really trying not to feel so hollow but it was getting harder by second.
Days had gone by and Dean had never called. Castiel knew he must have heard about his break up with Balthazar and this meant that Dean was not interested anymore.
Honestly, he didn't know what he'd been expecting anyway.
Dean had a life now and Castiel wasn't a part of it, not anymore. He didn't know who was to blame for that, Dean or him, and honestly? He didn't care. He just wanted this Dean shaped hole inside his heart gone.
As much as it hurt to admit, Castiel knew Dean was over him now, building a new life away from him, or alcohol. For that, he was grateful. He knew his beloved deserved the peace. And just as well, he knew he had no right to go back and ask Dean to take him back. It wasn't fair to either of them.
So he took all there was left for him to take. He bought all of Dean's singles and albums, every music video and interview he could get a hold of. He downloaded every performance and started catching up on the years he'd missed, spending time with his love. Between the endless chain of operations and half eaten meals, there was only Dean and his voice to comfort his aching heart.
He knew well enough this was beyond masochism, but for the life of him, he couldn't find it in himself to give a damn. The Dean he was spending time with, was still very much in love with Castiel, his every word was meant for Cas… words he had spent years trying to avoid, no matter how much he loved Dean's songs. Except for the occasional singles that he hadn't been able to avoid, the rest was new to him.
Everyone knew the only way into Dean's head was through his songs, and for that Cas considered himself lucky. He now got to learn his ex-lover in and out once again.
He didn't know which hurt more to watch, Dean's early performances on the talent show, or his later works, specifically after that drunk-dial session they'd had. "The guilt" really shook him badly and he could tell from the live performances, Dean was not sober in most of them. The numb pain was clear in his eyes and Cas knew it indicated more than just the heart break from him.
That day, when he got back from work, he put his ITunes on shuffle and started his everyday routine. There were still new songs for him to listen to, and it amazed him how much really Dean had in him.
He started cooking some chicken for his supper while listening when a song he didn't know came on shuffle, and from the very first note he knew this would wreck him.
"He is everywhere I go, everyone I see
the winter's gone and I still can't sleep
Summer's on the way, at least that's what they say
but these clouds won't leave…"
Castiel tried to take a deep breath. Every damn word just hurt like fire burning through his veins. He left the pan on fire and took his IPod reading the name of the song again and again. "The memory".
"Walk away, I'm barely breathing
as I'm lying on the floor
take my heart as you're leaving
I don't need it anymore…"
The bass picked up and with every beat Cas could feel his world cracking. He could picture Dean, his every tear shed on this song, every drop of alcohol he had gulped to write these words, play these notes. He could hear the pain in his baby's voice, and God help him, he wanted to die at that second. He was pretty sure he couldn't take much more of this.
"This is the memory
This is the curse of having
Too much time to think about it
It's killing me
This is the last time
This is my forgiveness
This is endless…"
Cas sank down to his knees against the wall, pulling them to his chest and curled in on himself. His tears were burning his eyes just as his thoughts were burning his brain. Maybe if he hadn't been so busy pushing Dean away, being angry at him, things were different now. He knew better than anyone else that Dean would never come and beg when Cas was still with Balthazar. He was trying to ignore the little voice in his head, telling him Dean actually HAD begged him to leave Balthazar. He might have been drunk, but he was Dean all the same. But all he had done was push him away.
"Now spring has brought the rain
But I still see your face
And I can not escape the past
Creeping up inside
Reminding me that I
Can never bring you back
This is the memory
This is the curse of having
Too much time to think about it
It's killing me
This is the last time
This is my forgiveness
This is endless"
Castiel felt his tears wash his face as he let out the sobs that had been suffocation him for months. He could feel every word cut through his heart with a knife.
"Someone help me
'Cause the memory
Convinced itself to tear me apart
And it's gonna succeed before long
This is the memory
This is the curse of having
Too much time to think about it
It's killing me
This is the last time
This is my forgiveness
This is endless
This is endless"
Castiel knew the next words by his heart already. He was one of the only two people in this world who knew exactly what those words meant. The memory was going to be the last of him…
"Someone help me
'Cause the memory
Convinced itself to tear me apart
And it's gonna succeed before long
He is everywhere I go, everyone I see
But these clouds won't leave…"
He didn't even stop after the house was filled with smoke and the smell of burned chicken. He let the alarm go off and the artificial rain washed over him. He needed a drink.
By tradition you can find the song credits here. and BTW guys, DO listen to the songs. it will give u a better perspective of how emotional they are. :D
IN this chapter we had:
1)I who have nothing - Haley Reinhart's version from Idol season 11
2)Ring of fire - Adam Lambert's version from Idol season 8
3)Always on my mind - Elvis (:'( yes i hate myself for this one too!)
4)Tracks of my tears - Adam Lambert's version from Idol season 8
5)The memory - Mayday Parade (PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS WHILE READING THE CAS PART!)