WIZARD'S QUARTERLY (WQ)
Entertainment for Discriminating Wizards
Cover Story: Seven Most Eligible Witches (Will she be wicked for you?)
Pictorial: Post-Hogwarts Hotties (They'll huffle your puff, make your lion roar, sink their claws into you and make your snake happy!)
Trade-In or Keep: New Wife or Old Wife?
Obliviate! The Mistress Quandary
Fifteen Foolproof Ways to Propose
Centerfold: Miss Lavender Brown
(36D-26-34)
Get your wands ready boys, Miss Brown is ready to paint the town as red as her lacquered nails!Here's her Centerfold Data Sheet:
Name: Lavender Brown
Bust: 36D Waist: 26 Hips: 34
Height: 5'5" Weight: 135
Birthdate: May 5, 1980
Ambitions: To become as skilled at Divination as my mentor, Professor Sybil Trelawney, and to have a big, happy family! Most of all to keep my wizard happy in EVERY way possible! (Little hand-drawn hearts follow)
Turn-Ons: A man who knows what he wants, who won't waffle about and then change his mind for something OR SOMEONE that is obviously the wrong choice.
Seven Most Eligible Witches
Since our illustrious Minister enacted the Ball and Chain Act readers have been divided; half of you lot don't want to be forced into getting hitched while the other half don't want to get hitched at all. Well lads, just like a handful of Bertie Botts' you never know what you're going to get. With these seven witches, though, we think you'll add the Minister to your Christmas Card list.
6. & 7. Padma & Parvati Patil – A Double Helping of Oh Yes
We tried to decide on whether it should be Padma or Parvati but in the end we just threw up our hands and said 'yes, please.' We're sure you lads are more than willing to discover the differences between the sisters. Apparently both of the girls are training to be Healers, and I'm sure we'd like to see their bedside techniques. (Fecundity Rating: 7.5)
5. Hannah Abbot – Definitely Has Something Cooking
Fancy a drink? Fancy a nice meal? Want something more than your typical lass? Hannah Abbot is one collection of curves that will treat you right, girl who's making all the changes at The Leaky Cauldron could make a big change in your life. Rumor has it that you'd better provide an appetite because she most definitely does, if you know what we mean. Was a Hufflepuff so you know she'll get on with your mum. But after seeing her pics? Who cares what dear ol' mum thinks. (Fecundity Rating: 8.4)
4. Lavender Brown – I See Something Wild in Your Future
After seeing this month's centrefold you blokes might want to put her up a little higher on the list. Lav-Lav's a fan of divination and we here at WQ tend to agree; those curves are divine, all right. If you're a Quidditch man or interested in…oh who are we kidding. Just look at those! And that! What are you waiting for, boys? (Fecundity Rating: 8.3)
3. Ginny Weasley/Pansy Parkinson – Are You Feeling Adventurous?
Marry one, get one free? Perhaps. Word on the street is that Miss Weasley and Miss Parkinson are a bit of an item. A lion on one arm and a snake on the other? You lucky bastard.. Maybe you can get the new Sultan of Somewhereistan to grant you residency so you can marry them both. It'll take a special type of guy to handle these two. Extra bonus is that it doesn't matter what side you were on in the war, you're covered! (Fecundity Rating: 10 [She is a Weasley] and 7.9)
2. Gwenog Jones - The Professional
Fame, wealth, a legend in her sport and as fit as possible...you'd better bring your A game if you want to tame this Harpy. But have you seen those leaked locker room pictures? We'd love to put a Quaffle in her goal. Plus you know she knows her way around a broom polishing kit. Better get in line, though, word on the pitch is that lovely Gwenog has been seen canoodling with Viktor Krum. There's the whistle, get going! (Fecundity Rating: 8.5)
Was there any doubt, lads?
1. Gabrielle Delacour - The Blonde Bombshell
Natural blonde? Check. Veela heritage? Check. So hot your cauldron bottom would fall out? Check. Number one on the Drool List for sixteen weeks straight? Double Check Plus. This gal has even surpassed her older sister, and that's saying something. French wines only get better with age, and from the paparazzi pics we have starting on page 17? The ones from that French beach, you know, the topless one? She can inspect our Beauxbaton any time. Oooh la la indeed. (Fecundity Rating: 8.8)
WQ Advisor Letters
Dear WQ Advisor,
I've been a subscriber since 1984, and I have to say the new direction is wonderful! I have a problem, though. As an older wizard I'm worried that all the young and desirable witches won't give me a second glance. I'm not the best looking guy, and my prospects aren't the best. I've got a job and a house, though. What can I do to catch a good one?
Signed,
Anxious in Alford
WQ Advisor writes:
Dear Anxious,
Worried that all the young bucks will snap up all the fit birds before you get a chance? There is something to be said for patience, if you're willing to look a little beyond our centrefolds. Waiting may be your best opportunity, as the sense of urgency for older witches will be at a fever pitch towards the deadline. There's a lot to be said for the older crowd; they're more experienced, their clock is definitely ticking and they'll be desperate.
If you don't feel like waiting there's always Magical Match. You'll know them from their adverts in the back. Send in your profile and a few Galleons and they'll match you up with someone. They even have a Galleon Back Guarantee!
Or you could always stop by Knockturn Alley for a few love potions, but you didn't hear it from us.
Best bet is to wait around the Marriage License Bureau at the Ministry towards the deadline with a ring, some flowers and a Gringotts' statement. We suggest a copy of Lord-Baron Potter Black's statement.