Chapter 10:
I stand over the sink in Mary's bathroom, tears in my eyes with one hand pressed against my stomach, the only thought on my mind is, this can't really be happening.
It started out small. Well actually that is a lie. I think maybe I knew from the very beginning, I just didn't want to believe it. I actually tried to convince myself that I was physically sick from being in the same room as him. I didn't want to think that my body could be so receptive of his. I wanted there to be a god out there somewhere that would realize the true evil of Charlie and not allow his body to pro-create. I am carrying a baby inside me. A baby from a man that is all sorts of horrible, every type of wrong imaginable.
On Sundays the preacher stands up there and tells us all that babies are god's gift. He looks out from his podium at all of these women who are round with their husband's unborn children, and smiles and talks about the miracle of life. I was always glad that I had escaped that life. I didn't even want to be married; mama and dad made the decision for me, and now here I am trapped in this house filled with pain and tears. How am I supposed to bring a baby into this world? How am I suppose to tell it about all the goodness in this world when I forget every day?
But really all I can think about is how can I grow a life inside of me when every day I fantasize about taking my own life. I picture taking a few pills, or slicing my wrists. I picture the pain, the exquisite beautiful pain that would come with knowing it is all almost over. About a month ago I was so close; maybe this baby inside me stopped me from going through it. I didn't even know I was pregnant but maybe some part of me did, maybe god was watching out for me and decided I couldn't let this child die. Maybe he is meant for great things. Or maybe I am just a coward.
But now it's been two months without my monthly passing. Eight weeks that some virus is growing inside of me, feeding off of me without its permission. I don't want to be responsible for another person's life. I am not responsible enough for mine. If I was ready to have a kid, I would be ready to stand up for myself against Charlie. I would be able to run away or smack him back.
I come out of the bathroom, and Mary is smiling at me, hands fast away knitting a blanket for her child. I walk over to her and she presses my hand against her belly. "Oh Esme, can you believe it? I'm having a baby; I'm going to be a mama." I am used to this. Mary constantly has me feeling her stomach. The baby kicks and she complains but all around her, there is this aura of content. She is at peace with whatever decision she has made. Sometimes I catch her husband looking at her from the corner of his eye. He just stands there and watches her and I think I should look away but I can't. I like being here with them. I like being surrounded by love.
Sometimes he stands right in front of the window when the sun is setting and the light streams in from behind him making his light brown hair, look almost like a blonde halo and I can't catch my breath. He haunts me; I think he will for my entire life. A half hour in his presence has tainted me for my entire life. When Mary's husband stands in front of that window and looks at her like he does, I imagine it is my own doctor looking at me. During those brief glimpses I feel like my life could be like Mary's. For a second everything that is cloudy and unsure comes into focus, but the sun always goes back behind the clouds and I always go home to Charlie.
Every once in a while I think that maybe I made up Dr. Cullen, but I quickly convince myself that it was real. To think otherwise is just too damn depressing.
Apologies for the late update. Thanks for sticking with me.