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Whatever. It. Takes.

~JuliaGoldsworthy

"I guess we are who we are
Headlights shining in the dark night I drive on
Maybe we took this too far"

-Nate Russe.

-Headlights.

While I was happy that Eli had a job, I was also lonely. With him gone so much during the day I was by myself in the apartment a lot of the time.

Sometimes Alli would come pick me up and we would have lunch or Adam and I would go see a movie.

Today, though, I was by myself. Alli was checking out a university in the states she was thinking about attending and Adam was meeting with his doctor to see about advancing his testosterone regimen.

I had thought about Adam a lot lately.

I wondered how his mom felt when he told her that he was transgender. When I picture my child I picture him as a boy. But what if one day my son told me he was meant to be my daughter.

I supported Adam in his journey to become who he was meant to be, but I just can't imagine it for a child of mine. I know I would love them no matter what and they would always mean the world to me but it would be so hard. When I think about the bullying and torment Adam has gone through, being thrown into doors and getting in fights. How the first day of school every year he still has to correct the teacher when they take attendance. Everyday he has to fight to do the things guys like Eli and Drew do.

Adam was one of the most amazing men I've ever met but I couldn't imagine seeing my child go through the things he does. I could always try to sum up all the pain to a plan God has for Adam but I didn't want to imagine Him punishing someone for trying to be who they were born to be.

This all raised another good question.

Eli is an athiest and I'm a Christian, so what would we raise our child to be? I had always planned to get my son baptized but with Eli being his father I wasn't sure if he would go for it. Sometimes I thought too hard about all these things and just convinced myself that I would talk to Eli about it later. However, usually by the time he got home, got a shower, and ate dinner, it was too late to start a debate about things like this.

Now it was around noon, and this was the time I usually skimmed through the book of names. I had made two lists with about fourty names total. Twenty for girls, twenty for boys.

For girls I had;

Sarah

Alice

Elizabeth

Lilith

Mikayla

Aislinn

Hayley

Kaitlynn

Jessica

Madison

Ashley

Allison

Rachel

Maria

Chole

Courtney

Kelsey

Sophia

Lillian

Riley

For boys I had;

Theodore

Sam

Mason

Elijah

Jake

Phillip

Munro

Alec

Tyler

Zach

David

Thomas

Conner

Aaron

Jack

Ryan

Matthew

Harisson

Micheal

Noah

I'd been doing this every day for almost a month now, not including the weeks I'd gotten the book. Through all this I'd found that naming a child is no easy task. A name meant everything. It was your identity. How were just supposed to assign that to someone?

Work was getting better. The first few days were sort of rough. I guess it was because I didn't realize that working on Morty from time to time and being a full-time mechanic were two very different things.

I'd had a few jobs. During the summer before sophomore year I had a job at my dad's radio station stacking CD's. Before I went to Degrassi I had worked at a bookstore but that was incredibly short lived. The difference between those jobs and this one was that they didn't involve physical labor.

I came home everyday for the first week sore and tired. I had showered quickly, snuggled up to Clare, and then gone straight to sleep. I honestly missed talking to her. Most things we talked about now were at night when we were in bed together and I was half asleep. I texted her on my lunch but you can't have long, meaningful conversations like that.

Today I'd decided that I would go and talk to my boss, who's name I learned was Jenkins. I guess that was actually his last name but I'd never learned what his first name was. The boys around shop said that he never told anyone though, so I didn't feel slighted.

I walked up to his office during lunch. I figured that would be the best time to talk to him so he wouldn't think I was just skipping out on work. "Sir?" I knocked on his door. His back was turned and all I could see was the back of a tall gray chair. "I needed to ask you about something. Something about my schedule."

He turned slowly, paper work in his right hand, a coffee in the other. His glasses were balancing on the end of his nose. "What about your schedule?" he barked.

I found my courage was quickly fading. "Well, you see, I just feel like I've been working an awful lot lately, and it's not that I'm complaining about that. I love getting so many hours. But if I could just rearrange them so I wouldn't have to work so many days in a row then-"

"Everyone works every day Goldsworthy." he said, reading what was in front of him. He didn't look up.

"I understand but-"

"Are you suggesting that you're better than the other boys?" he asked, glancing at me. "I'm sure Frank and Miller wouldn't be to keen on hearing that." he said. Frank and Miller were the two most intimidating men I've ever met. Frank was missing an eye and had a tattoo of a skull and cross bones on his left arm. Miller only had about four teeth and told stories about 'Nam when he wasn't working on cars. I had been in my fair share of fights, but I was pretty sure that wasn't one I could handle.

"No, sir, no not by any means it's just that-"

He stopped me. "Everyone works everyday. That's what being full time means. You get weekends off. Once you've worked here a little longer, then talk to me. Okay?" I could tell he was trying to sympathize but he didn't understand.

"Sir, I just really need the time off." I said.

He put the papers down on his desk and stood up. "Have a seat Goldsworthy." he motioned to the chair across from him. I eye him, trying to figure out what game he was playing, but I figured my best bet was just to take whatever was coming to me.

"Now, tell me why you think you're so damn special that you should get a different schedule than the rest of the boys."

"I don't think I'm special," I said quickly. "Not at all."

"Then explain to me why you need the time off." his tone was condescending.

I sighed. "My girlfriend, Clare, she's pregnant. She's going back to school in the Fall and I won't get to see her at all." I stopped but Jenkins didn't interrupt so I continued. "Our relationship is going to get really hard and I know she's going to have a rough time with school and I'm just really worried that something bad is going to happen if I can't be there for her more often."

"How old are you kids?" he asked.

"I'm nineteen, she's a year younger."

"She's a senior this year?" he asked. I nodded. He chewed the inside of his mouth and squinted his eyes at me. "Well, I'll tell you what," he stood up. "Stop feeling so damn sorry for yourself."

I was taken aback. "I'm sorry?" I asked, standing.

"You got yourself into this now you have to deal with it. Society isn't going to feel bad for you so neither am I." his eyes told me that this wasn't just about me asking for time off. "Now get the Hell out of my office."

I looked at him for a moment before nodding. "Yes sir."

I got home to Clare late that night.

"Hey Eli." she said. I found her cooking in the kitchen.

"Hi," I came up behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist. I leaned around to kiss her face and she smiled. She smelled like soap and her green apple shampoo.

"How was work?" she asked.

I moved so I was leaning against the counter. "Weird." I said. "Do you need help with anything?" I asked.

"Um, you could get some plates out if you want." she smiled.

I nodded and put them on the table before sitting down.

"How was your day?" I asked her. I liked hearing about Clare's days. They make me wish I was here with her instead of working.

"Uneventful as usual." she said as she served dinner. "I read a little bit and then wrote some. I also took a really long nap earlier, like four hours of napping."

"I envy you." I smirked and she smiled.

"No seriously Eli, I didn't realize being pregnant was going to make me so tired all the time. Who knew creating a person could be such hard work." I laughed and she continued. "Adam called, he was really excited about this next round of T."

"Oh yeah, he texted me about that." I said.

"Yeah," she said. Her tone was strange. I looked up at her and it was like something in her face was different.

"You okay?" I asked.

"Yeah," she said again. "Eli, what is our baby is like Adam."

"What do you mean?" I asked. It took me a minute to realize what she was talking about, I guess it was because I always forgot that Adam was different. "Like trans?"

"Yeah," she sighed. "You think we're having a girl right?" I nodded. "Well what if our daughter says that she was born to be a boy. Then what?"

I laughed shortly. "Then I guess we both would be right about the gender." I smirked but Clare didn't seem amused. "Well regardless if our child is a son or a daughter we'll love it just the same. Right?"

"Of course." she said. "But it would be so hard."

"To love our child?" I said. "Clare-"

"No," she said quickly. "That's not what I meant, I meant it would be hard to see him go through all of the things that Adam is going through right now."

"Yeah it would be but that's why we have to be parents that are going to be there no matter what." I wasn't sure where this was coming from but I knew I didn't like it.

"But all the bullying that-"

"Kids are bullies Clare." I said.

"Is that really what you think? Our kid is going to be bullied no matter what we do."

"Yes, Clare because no matter what we do as parents, kids are always going to be mean to each other. And it's not always such a bad thing."

"What?" she blinked.

"The mean things kids do to each other make them tough. It teaches them how to fight and to stand up for themselves."

She tilted her head and her eyes narrowed. "So how was work today?"

I rolled my eyes. "Is this some sort of trap?"

"No, it's just that mean kids should've taught you how to stand up to your boss today right? They should've made you tough enough to handle that."

"No but they made me tough enough to go back tomorrow."

She rolled her eyes and pushed her plate away from her. "I'm going to bed."

"Clare," I begged.

"I'm tired Eli. I'll see you tomorrow." I heard the bedroom door shut.

I showered before making my way to the bedroom, but only because I knew Clare hated when I smelled like the shop. I knocked on the door, not knowing if she was really asleep or not. "Clare," I said quietly.

She didn't respond. I turned the knob and walked in. The lights were off and she was under the covers, her back facing the door.

"Clare," I said again. She still didn't turn.

I traded the towel I bared for a fresh pair of boxers and climbed in bed beside her.

I still wasn't quite sure why she was so upset. If she really believed that we were going to have a son he couldn't be weak. Our daughter couldn't be either for that matter. Jenkins was right, society wasn't going to feel bad for her, Clare and I had to make sure she was ready for that.

Unlike most nights, I had trouble falling asleep. I stared at the ceiling, thinking about how harsh the world was and how another person could possibly prepare someone for it. I could try my best but it was hard to think that I wouldn't be able to stop all the heartbreak that the world would hand my child.

I felt Clare stir beside me. At first I thought she might be snoring but I could tell by the way she shook that's not what was happening. "Clare," she turned over into my chest, tears streaming down her face.

"Oh Eli," she sobbed. I wrapped my arms around her, I knew we were both feeling the same thing.

We stayed like that for a few minutes. Her warm tears ran down my skin and I bit my lip from letting mine slip into her hair.

"I don't know how to be a mom." she said between sobs. "I don't know how to do the things moms do. I don't know how to heal pain and be there for someone once they've been hurt. I don't know how to do those things and now," she choked. "I don't even have anyone to show me how."

I realized that my words earlier must have been harder for her to come to terms with than it was for me. Clare didn't want our child to feel the same pain that she was feeling.

"Clare," I tipped her head back so I could look her in the eyes. "You don't need anyone to show you that. You already know how." She seemed confused. "Every time I hurt, every time I feel pain you're there and you know exactly how to make me feel better. You know what to say, you know what to do, you know how to act, you're perfect. You don't need anyone to teach you."

"Eli," she said with a small sigh. "I'm just so worried."

"Don't be." I said. "I know we can get through this."

"You keep saying that, but I have a feeling that this is probably one of those things that is easier said than done." she smiled and I did too.

"Probably," I said. "But that doesn't mean that we can't get through it. Clare, you're going to be a great mom. You're going to know exactly what to do. You care so easily for the people you love that this baby won't be any different for you." I said softly. "I believe in you Clare and so does everyone else."

She didn't say anything for a few seconds, she just stayed curled up in my arms before leaning up to kiss me.

"I love you." she said against my lips.

"I love you too." she pulled away and I noticed her blinks growing longer and slower.

Eventually, she turned over and I pulled up the covers.

I put my arms around her again. "Eli," she whispered. "Thank you."

I put my my palm on her belly before shutting my eyes. "Of course."

Thanks for reading! Leave me a review saying what you think Eclare's baby should be named. Let me know what you thought of the chapter also. Like it? Hate it? Tell me!

Also, I'll be updating regularly now that Fall is pretty much over so if you want to keep reading, you have that to look forward to. Thanks!

Whatever. It. Takes.

~JuliaGoldsworthy