I know, I'm such a bad person, but I really do have legit excuses this time.

This chap was almost completely written by last Monday but my laptop broke and I lost all of my files that hadn't been backed up. [I'd written this chapter in a day so it wasn't backed up and I lost it.]

I lost all inspiration after that and I'm not entirely happy with this chapter. But never fear! I have a temporary laptop until my new one comes and Chapter11 is being written as we speak!

Now, after my grovelling, I give you...

Chapter 10

[Damon Salvatore]

"It's not what it looks like!"

Oh, how cliché.

Elena moved further into the room so that she was next to me. Her hands were on her hips and the muscles in her shoulders were tense. There was blood all over the room and she looked about ready to snap out of control. I watched her breath catch and knew I had to step in quickly.

"Let's take this upstairs, brother. Where we're not in temptation's way?" I raised my eyebrows, "For either of you."

Stefan glared at me, but stepped away from the freezer all the same.

"Don't pout, Stef. It's not appealing on a man of your age." I quipped.

Elena didn't say a word. She just turned on her heel, took my hand in hers, and led me back up to the kitchen.

I could feel her shaking with some unspoken emotion. Was it anger? Disappointment? Betrayal? I hated not knowing. I could normally read her like an open book but she seemed to have closed herself off from me and I had no idea why.

She took a deep breath of fresh, untainted air and her whole body sagged.

Stefan followed meekly through the door. He was reluctant to ignite the torrent of anger we could both see burning inside Elena, but he knew he'd have to face the music sooner of later.

He stumbled into the room, his hands held up in surrender and his mouth already open to defend himself with yet another weak excuse before Elena's fiery voice stopped him in his tracks.

"Don't you come anywhere near me."

Well, this is new.

"Elena..."

I stepped behind her when I noticed her visible shaking had become almost a vibration. She was trembling with emotion and I knew she needed to calm down otherwise someone was going to get really hurt.

Damn newbie heightened emotions.

I leant down an put my lips to her ear. "Calm down, 'Lena."

She spun on me so quickly I had no time to react. She was right up in my face and I had to admit, for a second, I was knocked completely off guard. Man up, dammit.

"Calm down?" Her voice was low but deadly. The icy fire that seeped through every world chilled me to the bone. She looked and sounded alarmingly like Katherine and it threw me for a moment. "How am I supposed to calm down?"

Stefan had been quiet up until then and I couldn't blame him. The longer he avoided Elena's wrath the better.

"Elena, just hear me out. Please..."

I spoke too soon.

I wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her back against my chest in an attempt to pull her back into her normal emotional state. I knew she'd regret letting her anger get the better of her later, but, right now, nothing I did seemed to be working.

"You promised me." She said simply, her voice a murderous whisper. "I trusted that you had it under control. You said you were fine and I believed you!"

"I did have it under control!" Stefan shot back, "I was trying, but it's so difficult to keep control! It's more difficult that you realise Elena!"

Elena looked like he'd slapped her. "Are you fucking kidding me?" Her voice was deadpan as she shrugged off my arms and strode towards my brother.

Stefan looked rightfully alarmed at the movement and he took a subconscious step away from her advance. Smart move, brother.

"You did this to me, Stefan." She told him simply. "You turned me into this. You of all people should know that I know exactly how difficult it is. If it wasn't for Damon-"

"I get it, Elena. Okay?" He said, exasperated. "You chose Damon, why don't you rub it in a little more?"

Elena gasped sofly. "Is this what this is about?" She glared, "You're gonna turn this on me because I chose your brother? God, Stefan that's pathetic, even for you. You're using my choice against me because I didn't choose you."

She pretty much spat the last word and I cheered inwardly at Elena's sass. I loved her fiery side, especially when it was aimed at someone other than myself.

Stefan shrugged. "I don't agree with your decision." He said simply. No shit, Sherlock.

"But it's my decision!"

Elena threw her hands in the air in annoyance. "Why can't you understand that?"

He said nothing. He just glanced at the floor, silently. Clever boy.

"Look," She said suddenly and Stefan glanced up instantly at the sudden shift in her tone. "You lied to me, Stefan. All you ever seem to do is lie to me. 'For my own protection' you say, but I don't need protecting."

Stefan's eyes turned hard with resolve and he inched forward. "I was trying to keep you safe, Elena. You were just too stupidly blind to see it."

Elena glared at him, her eyes icy. "Damon has never lied to me. He protects me by telling me the truth, unlike you."

I felt a stab of guilt shoot through me at her words. Oh, Elena. If only you knew...

Something snapped in Stefan at the mention of my name and he chuckled coldly.

Woah, mood swing much?

"Oh yes, Damon has been protecting you! Well then, the rest of us don't need to worry then do we? Because Damon will be there to look after you along the way, won't he? You won't need me anymore, will you?"

Elena's eyes flashed menacingly and I moved closer, prepared to pull her back if she kicked off.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" She growled.

That's it Steffy, rile her up why don't you?

"Oh nothing; nothing at all. You're a vampire now, Elena; a monster, just like him. You two are perfect for each other."

Elena moevd so fast, neither of us saw it coming. She pinned Stefan to the wall in the blink of an eye, her heightened emotions making her stronger than him momentarily. The fresh human blood flowing freely through her veins made everything around her more in focus and vibrant.

Her concentration had been everywhere on the way back to the boarding house, but Stefan's actions has her snapped into a perfect mental focus on him. She was directing the violent turbulence of feeling bubbling up inside her at him and I knew it really wasn't going to end well.

"You know what, Stefan? You act like a martyr." She all but snarled in his ear. "Every bad thing you've ever done, you've covered up with Damon's mistakes; because the real monster here is you, Stefan. Not Damon."

Stefan regained his strength in anger at her words and flung her back across the room into me. We stumbled back before I grabbed her by her elbows and held her upright, my back crashing into the counter top and cracking the marble slightly.

Fuck.

"You think he's so saintly, Elena." Stefan chuckled. "You don't know the half of it."

Elena shrugged, her temper flaring in her eyes. "You know what I do know? You are pathetic. You don't deserve me, Stefan; but your brother does."

The words rang eerily familiar in my head and I watched Elena's mind work over time as they triggered something in her own memory. Her speech brought back a deluge of emotions as I recalled the first time I'd told her I loved her and I knew that the "half of it" that Elena didn't know, would soon be brought painfully to the surface.

Oh, shit.

[Elena Gilbert]

"Cute PJs."

Damon smiled shyly at me from his perch on my window seat as I walked back into my bedroom.

"I'm tired, Damon." I told him, not daring to look him in the eye.

He didn't listen to me, as I knew he wouldn't. He stood abruptly and moved closer to me so we were only a foot apart. He looked troubled as he raised his right hand in the air and, for the first time, I noticed what he had hanging from his fingers. My necklace.

"I thought that was gone."

He did that eye thing that always drove me crazy and I felt butterflies churn my stomach.

"Thank you." I reached out to take it but he drew his hand back sharply.

My hand dropped and my heart started racing at the expression on his face. He looked broken and lost and I felt weary of him suddenly. What was he doing?

Oh no...

"Please give it back."

He struggled for words for a second, like he was fighting an internal war with himself.

"I just have to say something..." He slinked forward again and I took an instinctual step back away from the advance.

"Why do you have to say it with my necklace?"

He looked confused for a moment, like he hadn't expected me to ask that question; like it wasn't an obvious reaction given the circumstances.

"Wha..." He shook his head slightly, searching for the right words. "Because what I'm about to say is..." He paused, "Probably the most selfish thing I've ever said in my life."

His eyes were full of self-deprecation and he smiled sadly.

"Damon... don't go there..." I couldn't stop my gaze from dropping to his lips even as I fought not to look at him at all.

I glanced up at his eyes just as he took another step closer.

"No, I just need to say it once." He waved his hands as he stalked me and I kept moving backwards, scared of his proximity and the way it made me feel. "You just need to hear it."

He gazed down at me, his eyes catching mine, and I was powerless to look away. He nodded to himself, as if convincing himself that this was the right thing to do. He needed this.

"I love you, Elena." He said softly, his eyes never leaving mine, but searching for my reaction, wanting to know that there was hope, but refusing to believe that there ever could be.

I blinked at him silently. Of course I'd known what he was about to say, but actually hearing the words spoken from his lips made all the difference.

"And it's because I love you that..." A frown appeared between his brows and his guard dropped completely. His eyes showed how torn he was inside and how much it really hurt him to say the words. "I can't be selfish with you..."

I watched his eyes, refusing to let his admission sink in completely. I couldn't accept the fact that he loved me because that would mean accepting that I felt something for him and the consequences of that would change everything.

I saw those turbulent eyes fall to my lips briefly. "And why you can't know this..." He closed his eyes like he was in pain and his voice became a throaty whisper. I could hear the tears he was fighting back clear in his every word.

He shook his head and smiled self-deprecatingly. "I don't deserve you," He honestly believed in his words, I could see the truth in his eyes. He'd convinced himself that he wasn't worthy of me or my affections and it broke my heart.

I blinked again, opening my mouth to speak but he stopped me. "But my brother does."

What?

I tried to focus around the sudden tidal wave of emotion he'd stirred inside me. I forced myself to pull it together as he leaned forward and kissed my forehead softly.

I knew I had to say something because I also knew what was coming next. It suddenly clicked in place why he hadn't given me my necklace back and I knew I had to stop him but my mind was still hazy trying to think around my emotions.

He was about to cry. I could see the tears shining clearly in his eyes as he tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. "God, I wish you didn't have to forget this..." I tried to speak, really I did, but suddenly my world was lost in his icy blue eyes.

I watched a single tear roll brokenly down his cheek and I felt my heart break for him.

"But you do."

The memory hit me like a ton of bricks and I felt the air leave my lungs in a sudden rush.

I spun around suddenly, and the second my eyes locked with his, I knew it was real.

Oh my God.

[Damon Salvatore]

She remembered.

I could see it in her eyes when she turned to face me. Her face was beseeching at first, until she read the guilt and regret on my face and then it turned accusatory.

"Elena, let me explain. Please."

"You don't deserve me, but your brother does?"

I watched Stefan slip out quietly, unnoticed by Elena. She was too focused on me to care much about anything else.

Now normally, that would make me exceptionally happy, but right now I wished for any distraction so that I didn't have to face her. Call me a coward, but I knew that she wouldn't forgive me for this. She'd always hated me messing with people's minds and, to her, compelling her was probably the worst thing I could've ever done to her.

"Tell me that was the only time."

Her words slammed into me with the force of a truck and I knew I couldn't lie to her. If I didn't tell her the truth now, when she remembered some time in the not-so-distant future, she'd probably try to kill me.

And as a vampire, she had a pretty chance of suceeeding.

Damn.

I opened my mouth and then closed it again, unable to find words. I stood, gaping like a fish, struggling to speak and my silence confirmed everything Elena needed to hear.

"Oh my God..."

She turned to walk away but I grabbed her arm and pulled her back. "Please, Elena. Please just let me explain."

She turned around slowly and put her hands on her hips, taking a deep breath and trying to remain calm. "When was it?"

I didn't pretend not to understand but she elaborated nonetheless. "When else did you compel me?"

I closed my eyes in defeat, knowing I'd have to tell her eventually. "The first time we met, here at the boarding house; when I kissed your hand?"

She nodded her head, not entirely understanding where I was going with this.

"That wasn't the first time we met."

Her eyes snapped to mine and I watched shock and anger bubble up inside her. I knew she'd remember eventually, but I had been hoping up until now, evidently in vain, that I'd have more time to figure out how to explain myself.

"When?" Her voice was unsteady and I could see tears stinging in her eyes as she fought for control over her overwhelming emotions.

"Elena..."

"When, Damon?"

I sighed heavily, my shoulders slumping in resignation. "The night your parents died."

Elena's face was a mask of complete surprise. Her eyes were wide and filled with tears and her hands were frozen in mid air.

I watched her eyes glaze over as the memory of our very first meeting flashed through her mind. She felt something for me back then, and, despite my lack of humanity, I was drawn to her too. I wanted to get to know her. She pulled me in and there was something about her that attracted me. Our connection was indescribable and, even now, I couldn't explain the power she had over me.

She was lost in the memory but I could see the scene in my own mind like it was only yesterday.

Mysterious stranger who has all the answers.

I've been around a long time.

So what is it that I want?

You want a love that consumes you. You want passion, adventure, and even a little danger.

I want you to get everything you're looking for.

Her head flew up suddenly, and she gasped as she returned to the present.

"Elena, please. You have to understand."

I reached out to grab her hand but she recoiled from my touch and I flinched at the pain that hit me at the simple movement.

"I was a different person then; it was under entirely different circumstances!" I felt the need to defend myself, knowing that she was probably going to hate me anyway. Well, if I was going to hell, I might as well go the whole way. Right?

She suddenly snapped into control and I watched, bemused, as she rushed forward. I saw it coming; she wasn't as fast as she thought she was. Still, I made no move to stop her as she raised her arm and slapped me clean across the face.

"You think that excuses what you did?" She hissed at me, turning and storming into the parlor. "You fucked with my mind, Damon! You lied to me! Just like Stefan did!"

I was in front of her in an instant. "There's the difference!" I practically growled, "Don't you see? I wasn't protecting you, Elena! I'm not a martyr. I've already told you that." She didn't get it. She wasn't going to, I could see it in her eyes. "I compeled you to protect myself! So that I wouldn't be broken because I knew you couldn't love me!"

I turned my back on her, picking up yet another new bottle of bourbon and taking a gulp. "I was selfish, Elena. I still am. I keep telling you that and yet you keep putting your faith in me and I don't know why."

"Because you don't deserve me?" She asked sarcastically, "Because "being selfish" wasn't what you said before." She stalked towards me suddenly and I watched her fire blaze brightly behind her beautiful chocolate eyes. Even in times like these, I revelled in the fact that I brought out such passion within her. I loved her like this, all fiery and confident, despite that I was the reason for her anger.

"You said you couldn't be selfish with me. How is that selfish? The fact that you compelled me is selfish, but..."

Her voice trailed off and I watched her eyes widen as a realisation suddenly hit her.

"You gave me up..." She whispered, "You were going to step aside and let me be happy with Stefan, even if that wasn't what I wanted."

I didn't say anything because I knew that, no matter how much I tried to explain my actions, it wouldn't make a difference to her. I tuned out her voice; I couldn't listen to her rejections anymore. God, I'd had enough of those to last me the rest of eternity.

Hearing a few more of her casual brush offs wouldn't make any difference. The realisation that she was inevitably going to give up on me coursed through me suddenly and I felt the fight leave me in a whoosh of breath.

All I'd done for three years was fight. I'd fought against every instinct in me that just wanted to reach out and take her, fuck the consequences. I fought against every fibre of my being that told me to fight for her. I fought and I fought to stay away because I thought she would be happy with my brother.

I fought because I knew she couldn't be happy with me.

She would remember the bad things before anything else, because everyone always did. Everything I'd ever done that was good was always overshadowed by something I'd done to hurt someone and this would be no different.

She would always remember this as a betrayal of her trust. I'd taken away her choice. I hated myself for it now, but at the time I had convinced myself that compelling her, both times, would be for my own twisted version of "the greater good".

But then that had always been my way of life, right? Twisted and tainted with darkness. I'd always been the bad guy, the brother to be feared, at least since Lexi had tamed the Ripper into St. Stefan all those years ago.

I would always make those mistakes, would always, inevitably, fall back into the darkness, no matter how hard I fought against it; and I knew one day Elena wouldn't be able to forgive me, and I'd be left broken.

There's only so much hurt a man can take.

She was still talking to me, ranting at me in anger but I hadn't heard a word she'd said. I had to leave, I had to get as far away from her as possible. I'd had my bag packed for days, waiting for the moment when Elena would go running back into my brother's arms like nothing had ever happened between us. I'd remained in a perpetual state of insecurity and, at least by preparing myself for the worst case scenario, it would be easier to walk away when the time eventually came for me to move on.

That bag was still there, waiting in the entry for me to just pick it up and go. Because I had to leave this place behind and drive until I ran out of road or she'd break me.

Because she would in the end; simply because she was so much better than I could ever be, and I knew it.

I flitted in front of her before she could blink and gazed at her in earnest, making my decision before I'd even moved. I was going to do what I'd always done when the going got tough. I was going to run from my problems and the only good thing I'd ever known in my over-long existence.

I was being selfish; like I always had been, and always would be.

She could tell something was wrong immediately when I didn't speak, but I didn't try to explain myself. That would just make it harder.

I memorised every inch of her perfect face; the fire that burned strongly in her chocolate eyes, her beautiful cheekbones, that gorgeous brown hair that flowed through my finger tips as I reached out to run my hands softly through it.

Those lips. The lips I had only just gained appoval to kiss whenever I wanted, the lips I'd be leaving behind forever in just a matter of minutes.

"Damon?" She asked, confusing marring her perfect features. She looked terrified for moment, and I knew it was because of the expression on my face. I needed her to know that I loved her but I knew that speaking those three words would break my resolve and I would cave before I could go anywhere.

I don't want to go.

Forgive me.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

But I stayed silent, leaning down and kissing her softly on the lips once.

"Goodbye Elena."

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