Chris Redfield looked at his nemesis, Albert Wesker. The obnoxious albino was becoming quite a problem. His ability to dodge bullets had given Chris and Sheva quite a bit of trouble. Now they were fighting him on the dark deck of a ship.
"…And I will judge it," said Albert Wesker.
"You're going to judge us?" asked Chris, "Do you get all of your ideas from comic book villains?"
At that moment Albert threw a missile at Chris and Sheva. The female BSAA agent screamed as she was hit with the missile. She fell dramatically to the floor, dead.
"Sheva!" screamed Chris as the Your Partner Died screen came up.
Kagura growled in anger. For the past twenty minutes she had been trying to defeat the ridiculously overpowered Albert Wesker. She had used her Dragunov to shoot out the lights, yet every time she shot Albert he merely stepped backwards. Then he would jump up next to the bomber and throw missiles, and this always killed the useless AI that controlled Sheva.
"Why doesn't he die?" yelled Kagura as yet another missile killed Sheva.
Wait, thought Kagura, is that a rocket launcher?
Sure enough, an RPG launcher lay in a nearby case. Kagura hit right bumper right trigger. She hit the blue X button on her 360 controller. Aiming the anti-tank weapon Kagura fired at the albino while he was in the darkness.
What?
Wesker had caught the rocket with his bare hands. The annoying albino was in fact pushing it back. Kagura sat on the couch, completely stunned.
"That's just stupid!" she yelled at the top of her lungs. "Rockets move slower than bullets, but he dodges bullets…so how can he only block rockets?"
The Sheva AI shot at the rocket, causing it to explode. The cloud of smoke soon wafted away. Kagura was shocked by what she saw. Albert Wesker was still alive, merely stunned by the explosive force of a weapon that American tankers fear.
"This is so stupid!" she yelled. How the f— is this asshole still alive?
Kagura rushed up to the evil man. She pressed the X button to grab a hold of the struggling Wesker. Holding his arms back Chris Redfield called for his partner.
"Do it now! Give him the shot!" yelled Chris.
Wesker tossed Chris over his head. Fricking God, thought Kagura, this guy is so annoying. She tried to find another rocket for the RPG, but Wesker did that gun spin thing. Kagura wandered towards Sheva, but before she was revived Albert hit Chris with a spin kick.
"Chris!" yelled Sheva as the former Air Force member fell to the floor dead.
Kagura nearly screamed. She had been fighting Wesker for almost an hour now. This was the closet she had gotten to defeating the man. She wanted to throw her controller at the TV screen. Maya jumped up onto the couch, snuggling up next to the girl. This was a welcome change, considering before he usually just peed on her pants.
"Sheva!" The sound of another failed attempt to kill Wesker filled the living room.
"Wake up in the morin' feelin' like p-diddy—"
"No!" yelled Yukari, "Not again!"
"What?" said Nyamo, "This is a great song."
"I've had to hear you play that song for three days," said Yukari, "It wasn't even that good to begin with."
"Maybe I should play my Lady Gaga albums—"
"Gah!" yelled Yukari.
Why the Hell won't she leave my apartment? Does she think that this is her own personal hotel or something? It seemed as if the annoying "friend" of hers would never leave.
"Well I'm going out," said Minamo.
"Where are you going?"
"To pick up my grandfather," said Minamo.
"But he's old," said Yukari, "You can do better."
Minamo shook her head in disgust. The very idea was insulting.
"Just shut the f— up Yukari."
"Damn it!" yelled Kagura.
She had finally gotten past the difficult ship deck battle, now she had to defeat Wesker once and for all. She had run through the lava pit unharmed only to find herself stuck and needing to save Sheva from Wesker. A rock had stood in her way and it was proving difficult to knock down.
"Come on you stupid thing," said Kagura.
Maya rubbed his head against her leg and started to meow. At first the sound was easy to ignore. Then it began to grow louder. Kagura was becoming frustrated with both the game and the cat. Maya started yowling at the top of his lungs.
"Stop that," said Kagura. Frigging Wesker. How many shots can he take? Kagura pulled out her revolver and started shooting the albino bastard in the chest. She was running out of ammunition. It wouldn't be much longer before…. The Red Ring of Death. Kagura nearly screamed.
"The phone is ringing. The phone is ringing. The phone is ringing."
"Hello?"
"Hi Kagura."
"Coach?"
"Can you help me with something?" asked Nyamo.
"What is it?" asked Kagura, remembering the awkward moments she had had with Minamo.
"I need help to get my grandfather out of the nursing home."
"Um, sure. I'll just meet you there."
"Okay," said Minamo, "See you there!"
Kagura wasn't sure about whether or not she should meet up with her former high school gym teacher. Then again the Xbox had died so there was no alternative. She just hoped that her former mentor wouldn't be so unusual this time.
"Hi grampa."
"Who the Hell is she?" asked Little Brittle.
"This is Kagura," said Minamo, "You've talked to her before."
"Nice to meet you," said Kagura, "For the third time."
"No," said Little Brittle, "I mean who are you?"
Minamo was shocked by this statement. She had known her grandfather since…an unspecified date. They had been together so long that Minamo had no idea why he would forget who she was.
"I'm your granddaughter."
"Oh yeah!" said Little Brittle, "If it isn't little Minamo. How are my great grandchildren comin' along?"
"I don't think they are," said Kagura.
"No one called my family sterile when I was fightin' the reds in Korea," said Little Brittle, "I spent twenty minutes over there before being hit by a grenade!"
"You were never in Korea," said Minamo, "What are you on?"
"Well," said Little Brittle, "I'm on this bed, which is hard and sticky!"
"Oh right," said Nyamo, "I forgot that you aren't familiar with slang."
"What about my great grandchildren?" asked Little Brittle.
"I think she's gay," said Kagura.
"I'm not sure why that has something to do with her not having children," said Little Brittle, "Happy people can have children you know."
"That's not what I meant," said Kagura, "I mean she's a homo."
"What's that?"
"It means human," said Minamo, trying to keep her cool.
"Argh!" growled Kagura, "You caught me on a technicality."
"And that's why I went to college and you didn't," said Minamo.
"Wait," said Kagura, "I thought we were friends."
"Friends can be rude to each other sometimes," said Minamo.
"What does this have to do with great grandchildren?" asked Little Brittle.
"She's single," said Kagura, "and probably a homosexual."
"It hardly matters," said Little Brittle, "Haven't you heard of adoption?"
"I'm not gay!" said Minamo.
"Well which one of you is the robotics expert?"
"What?" asked Minamo and Kagura.
"Why the Hell do you think that I had Come Visit Me Dawg released in Asia yo?" asked Little Brittle. "I had it released in Asia, so I could get a robotics expert to come to my room. Then he could remove my brain and put me into a Roomba, making me immortal! Then I would be able to get out of this bed and leave the Hellhole they call a retirement home."
"That's crazy!" yelled Nyamo, "Whoever prescribed that medication to you will die."
"Actually the doctor is already dead," said Kagura.
"Really?"
"Yeah. Poor girl jumped in front of a bus."
"She may have escaped my wrath for now," said Nyamo, "But when I die I will find her soul and wedgie it to oblivion!"
"How am I supposed to get out of this bed?" asked Little Brittle.
"Well there are two options," said Nyamo, "One is to use a wheelchair, and the other is to have your brain stuffed into a Roomba which is impossible."
"Well then wheel me out of this crap shack!" yelled Little Brittle, "My bed sores aren't going to heal lying on this cot!"