A few authors notes.

1. Thanks again to Kayozm for continuing to be my Beta!

2. Some of you have commented that you want Bella to get off the booze and drugs. I don't see her use of those things as being a big problem, rather she is just a normal rebellious teenager and it aids my story.

3. In a few weeks, I am moving to Japan to teach English and will not being working on this until I get settled. It might be a few months, but the good news is I've already started writing bits of my last three chapters. I intent to finish this story, but there might be a gape starting January.

Chapter 10

Bella's POV

"I don't understand. Did I do something wrong?" Edward asked with heavy eyes, in desperation, gripping onto my truck's window frame as I tried to leave his house. It was Saturday and I had come over to appease him. I could see the pain and confusion on his face when I rejected his rides to school. My desire to comfort him caused my convictions to waver, though I stood my ground, I offered to spend the day at his house.

My time at his home was identical to so many days from before, but a cloud of melancholy followed me around. Memories that I had pushed down during his months away resurfaced and left me breathless. Edward would catch me in these moments, staring blankly at nothing or clutching my chest.

Alice had been showing me old newspaper clippings and photos in her bedroom. I had missed her overwhelming glee and high-spirited energy, but when her attention started drifting towards my hair and wardrobe, I was more than happy to find Edward leaning against the doorframe.

"Not now, Alice." His arms were crossed, and he spoke with a charming smile. "I want to show her the new flowers Esme planted."

I sprang from my seat and took the hand he extended. He was my hero, always saving me from his sister's clutches.

"Thanks, I saw the huge bag of beauty supplies. I would have never gotten out of there."

"You should be scared. She has a lot planned for you." He winked.

I pretended to shutter, "I'm terrified." We laughed.

He lightly placed a protective hand on the small of my back as we began descending the stairs. On the third step down, as the arch of the living room window came into view, a memory swarmed my mind.

I paused mid-step, remembering a time on this very spot. Having just been released from Alice's barbie time, he had swooped me up into his arms. "We better run before she changes her mind," he whispered. We had laughed, making our escape from her.

However, I wasn't really recalling that time. I was remembering the last time I had remembered that. I had been here, dropping off that ridiculous scholarship money. The house was empty, I was high and wanted to hide a few bottles of alcohol in the house.

Finding a good spot in Carlisle's old study, I peeked into Alice's old room. An invisible wall kept me from entering, and I shut the door quickly. I couldn't face going up another flight and turned on my heel to go down. Sure enough, I slipped on the first step and clung to the railing to stop myself from falling.

I had steadied myself on the third step. The one I stood on now. The one he had swooped me up on. I had remembered our fun escape, and it stung. I sat down on the third step and opened the bottle I hadn't yet hidden. I gulped it down, stared intently at the arch of the living room window. I had tried desperately to ignore the lack of decorations, sheet covered furniture and the wandering ghosts that haunted my mind.

"Are you alright?" I blinked out of my memory. Edward appeared in front of me with a concerned hand on my cheek. I focused on his worry written face. It was the shamed, guilty, self-hating look I was growing tired of. I knew why he'd left but healing took time, and this look he gave me made me feel bad for feeling bad.

I tried to shield him from my pain, latching my arms around his torso and hiding my face in his chest. "I'm fine. I'm glad you're here." I gave him my best smile and looped my arm through his.

"Don't let me fall. These stairs are cursed." I joked, and he had relaxed.

Now it was mid-afternoon, and I wanted to see my friends in Port Angeles. I hadn't originally planned on going down there this weekend. However, each time I received that look, when I failed to gracefully walk on his eggshells, the yearning to escape grew.

I finally had enough in the garden. Esme's newly planted flowers were beautiful and vibrant. Yet, I couldn't help but compare them to the dead, brown leaf piles that had occupied the space only weeks before. Even in the cold winter, I was positive Esme could have kept the old plants alive. Unfortunately, she wasn't around to water and care for them, they died, and so she was forced to plant new ones.

My initial enthusiasm quickly morphed into pensive silence. I caught Edward giving me that look again. He hadn't thought there could be anything upsetting about flowers. I couldn't stand seeing that hopeless, self-loathing look anymore. Was it so wrong that I wasn't completely happy all the time?

With the last of my fleeting energy, I forced the corners of my lips up. "This was fun, but I need to get going now." I turned quickly towards the house, glimpsing for a moment the confusion spreading over him.

Advancing briskly towards my few belongings, I fumbled at the front door, causing the bowl that held my keys to fall. The smooth, translucent blue rocks that had laid in the bottom of the bowl clattered to the ground. Kicking myself, I bent to pick them up, but Edward was already standing with them and the bowl in his hand.

"Do you have to leave so soon?" There was fear in his voice.

I couldn't risk seeing that guilty face I was constantly causing, and responded while walking out the door. "I forgot I have plans and need to go." My lie was unconvincing, and he shadowed my steps.

"I don't understand. Did I do something wrong?" I inwardly cringed at his assumption as I lifted myself into the driver's seat. I couldn't stop hurting him.

"Everything is fine." I patted his hand from inside the cab. "Today was great. I just want to see my friends. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Your friends in Port Angeles?" He asked dubiously.

"Yeah, don't worry, we're just going to hang out, nothing crazy." I laughed, trying to lighten his obvious disapproval.

"Well, can I or Alice come with you?" I sighed, he was going to make this difficult.

I gathered my courage and looked him straight in the eye. "Edward, I think it's a good idea if I maintain a part of my life outside of you and your family." I agreed with my father's advice. Independence and some time apart were not bad things. Yet, as I uttered the excuse it felt like a lie.

"Bella, I am not going to leave you," he spoke each word slowly and firmly. This was a phrase he said to me every day, knowing the root of my fears.

"All the same," I said with a flick of my wrist. He could say that all he wanted, but it didn't mean I shouldn't protect myself. We stared at each other in silence, waiting for the other to give in. He eventually closed his eyes, pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head.

"Can't you take up knitting? Or see friends like Angela?" He sounded annoyed. "Why drinking? Do you know how many people accidentally get hurt or die while drinking?"

This irked me. Of course he knew what I was up to. I had taken privacy and secrecy for granted while he was gone, and now I hungered for it. I dropped my half-held façade.

"You know, I think it would be good for us if you could learn to give me some privacy," I barked. "I would appreciate it if you did not follow me or ask Alice to look into my future."

"Bella please, don't get angry," he pleaded with me quickly. "I trust you. You know how I worry." His hand clasped mine, caressing it like a delicate flower.

"It'll be okay. I'll call you if anything happens." My words did not reassure him and he stood silently, staring at his fingers that brushed over my fragile hand.

"Why does it feel like I'm losing you?" His eyes lifted, and I was met with the drowning man from my kitchen floor, the man begging me to return to him. It broke my heart to see him like this again. Why did he have to look at me like that, like I was the bad guy.

I was at a loss for words. Instead I sat up in the cab, placed both hands on each side of his face and gazed into his eyes. "Edward, I love you," I spoke with my thumbs stroking over his cheekbones. "Everything is going to be fine." I leaned forward and kissed him.

He responded with need, uncomfortably reminding me of our last kiss after my wretched birthday party. My lips moved with his, but the hypnotizing spark that I once knew was dulled, and I pulled away.

I shifted my truck into drive and gave him one last reassuring smile. "I'll see you tomorrow."

From my rearview mirror, he waved me goodbye. I knew I would see him tomorrow, why did it feel like I was saying goodbye. I had never felt this self-conscience leaving him before. I wanted to turn around immediately and apologize. Instead I drove on, feeling guilty the whole way and repeating his words. Why does it feel like I'm losing you?

I stopped at home for a few things and called Charlie.

"Be safe, tell Sydney I say hi." He bid me goodnight, believing we were having our regular girl's movie night, and happy to hear I was not being sucked back into the Cullen vacuum.

Spring was in full bloom. As I drove, green trees and blooming flowers framed the road, brightening the path to Port Angeles. The fridged, winter snow melted, and the grey, barren branches had come alive again. Time could bring about some amazing changes.

As Forks' city border flew behind me, I focused on the colors, but Edward's words and troubled expressions crept back into my mind. I knew he didn't like me drinking. I would keep my promise not to go crazy, but somehow I knew that wasn't the real issue.

The last glimmer of light was on the horizon as I arrived. I hadn't warned my friends I was coming, and surprised them when I marched through the door.

"Bella!" They cheered, after their initial fear that a stranger had let themselves in fled.

"We didn't know you were coming." Rodney lifted me into a hug and spun me around. "We thought the ghost might have gotten you." Everyone laughed, Edward's pale and sudden appearance last week, created a trippy, haunted sight and left him with the funny nickname.

"Ha ha ha." I mocked myself and rolled my eyes. "Only I would start calling people when I'm out of my mind."

I had explained to them that I had stupidly called a friend and made them worry so much that they picked me up. They accepted the excuse and didn't pry, but we now had a fish bowl to deposit our phones in for safe keeping.

We talked, joked, and the night went on. I felt better here. This place was supposed to be my oasis, but my mind kept wandering back to my and Edward's goodbye.

"Ugh! He is so clingy and overprotective!" I complained to Sydney as Brett and Rodney tinkered with guitars on the other side of the recording glass. I had been nursing my drink long enough for her to notice something was bothering me.

I fill Sydney in on my situation, holding the vampire details. She did her best to understand as she sipped her third drink. "Let me get this straight. He dumped you, move away, came back, you took him back, but now you're mad cause he wants to be with you too much?" Her eye squinted and voice rose in pitch as she tried to grasp what the issue was. "Are you sure you really wanted to get back together with him?"

"Absolutely!" Her suggestion was absurd. "He is all I've ever wanted. What we had was so beautiful and perfect."

"And is it beautiful and perfect now?" I stared at her, mouth agape. I hadn't expected this question. My posture sank and I hid my eyes as I answered her.

"No." Despair washed over me as I admitted the truth. My finger traced the rim of my cup. "It's forced, fragile, and" - I took a deep sigh —"sad." I took a large chugg of my drink, letting the warmth fight against the sorrow that flooded me.

"But you know, it's only been like two weeks." I defended my love. "I'm sure in time it will be like it was." I watched the boys laugh at something behind the glass, and smiled at their antics.

The pity in Sydney's eyes spoke for themselves. "I don't know Bella." She shrugged. "People change."

My smile faded as her insight set in. She was right, people do change.

No, I thought, humans change. Edward and Carlisle have both told me how rare it is for a vampire to change. That my presence in Edward's life changed him indefinitely. He wasn't different from the man he was before he left. His overprotectiveness, concern for my safety and desire to continuously be around me was nothing new. He was the same, his love for me was the same. It was me who was different. I changed.

What did this mean for us? Had I strayed so far from the girl I had once been that I had lost the girl Edward loved? Have I mutated so much that I can't enjoy his presence? The old me wouldn't have willingly left him today to come here. She wouldn't be drinking and indulging in drugs. She would be ashamed of me. Was this new person I had become the cause of our troubles?

These questions were on my mind for the rest of the night. Even as the guitar tinkering transitioned into a cringe-worthy karaoke attempt, I searched for remnants of my old self. Surely that girl still existed and could come back.

In the morning, after I bid my friends farewell, I texted Edward that I was on my way home. It's what my old self would have done, I thought. Following my musing from the night before, I could only find one striking similarity with the girl I use to be, and it was that I still loved him.

I still loved Edward. I still yearned for and needed him like I had before. Even when the hurtful memories of the past pelted me with pain, I still felt whole and secure in his embrace. I couldn't let him go. My attempts to put distance between us were hurting us both. He was losing me because I was allowing my bruised self to control me and push him away. Our time apart had crumpled me like a piece of paper. I just had to smooth the edges back out and we'd be fine.

"Edward," I welcomed him breathlessly as I swung my front door open. I had invited him over when I arrived home, finding Charlie had gone fishing. With a peck on the cheek and a bright smile, which he returned, I cheered myself on. This is what I use to do.

He lifted me up, wrapping my legs around his waist, he shut the door and kissed me passionately. His icy lips burned mine and I melted into him.

"How was your night?" He pulled his head back, still holding me close.

"It was good!" How much should I tell him, I wondered. We found ourselves on the living room couch as I enlightened him about Rodney and Brett's band and their desire to be famous.

"That's neat." He was interested. "I wonder if they need a keyboardist?"

"I'd love to see that!" I laughed. His polite 1918 mannerisms comedically clashed with the 90's grunge style I imagined. I pictured him bowing in black skinny jeans on a lit up stage.

"I use to play at small jazz clubs on open mic nights." He smirked proudly

"Really?" I hadn't known this. The idea of him seated at grand piano, set in a low lit room with well dressed people and fancy cocktails surrounding him, was more fitting to the Edward I knew.

"Yeah, it was really fun. Esme or Rosalie would usually go with me, but it's been a few years." He shrugged.

"I'd like to see that," I gave him a sidelong smirk and a raised brow, visualizing him in a black coat tail suit.

He slung his arm behind me, along the back of the couch and leaned in. "Hmm, maybe you will." His sweet breath tickled my face and intense, molten eyes dazzled me.

Our conversation continued until Charlie came home not too long later. Given he was not supposed to be in the house, Edward made a sneaky exit before being discovered.

It's working, I thought. That's the happiest interaction we've had since his return. I can be that girl again. The thought echoed through my mind like a crisp voice in an empty hallway, but my heart stuttered, feeling the burden of loss that girl once carried. Remember the risk, a dead voice warned. I told that voice to shut up. I could fix this.

I kept up with this tactic for a few days, repeating the mantra constantly. Trust. Love. Kindness. Fake it till you make it.

I gathered my things when trigonometry ended. He'll be waiting for me outside. As I passed through the door, I scanned the area and met him with a smile. I grabbed his hand before he could reach for mine.

At lunch, I managed to eat most of the food on my tray. He worries when I eat too little. My stomach felt painfully bloated, but I knew I use to eat like this all the time. I peeked up at him as he spoke to Alice. His lips were upturned in a pleased and carefree manner, and his eyes were proud when he glanced at me. I took it as a sign that I had eaten a satisfactory amount.

In the parking lot after school, I stretched up onto my tiptoes to kiss his cheek. "You'll come over tonight, right?" He had been over every night since I unlocked my window and I wondered when he had last hunted. His eyes were still golden but had darkened over the past few days. I didn't mention it though. I sleep better when he's with me.

I wanted to change back into the girl he loved, but it was exhausting.

I collapsed on my bed after school on Tuesday. It was a relief to be alone. I didn't have to smile or laugh or watch my expression. I let the memories that I had shoved aside during the day reappear in my mind. I felt the pain, anger, and grief that accompanied them. It wasn't pleasant, but I felt relieved.

I knew this was my free time, that I had until late night before I had to continue my mental exercises. I crawled over to the floorboard that held my stash. Maybe I shouldn't, I hesitated for a moment. I've gotten this far already, why take a step back? What would the old Bella have done? I glanced at my aged computer, then at my copy of Wuthering Heights on the bookshelf. I thought about the stove and laundry machine downstairs. All somber ideas. A little bit is okay, I reasoned, he doesn't have to know.

I lifted the floorboard out of place. Inside were only my pictures and CD. My pulse raced, and eyes flew open in panic. Where was my weed and rum?! My hand shot inside the space, feeling at the edges. My head whipped back and forth, searching. Did I leave it somewhere? No, no, no, no, no. Did Charlie find it?

I froze as comprehension dawned on me, and erupted with fury. He took it!

That asshole stole from me. My teeth were clenched, nostrils flared, and whole face was scrunched in anger. I knew he didn't approve, but this was unbelievable. He took away my choice! My blood boiled as everything I had tried to hold back over the days came through. I can't trust him. He just does what he wants, doesn't care what I think at all.

I jumped up in rage, hurling the floorboard to the ground and slamming my window shut. I screamed horrible insults and profanities in my head. A red film covered my vision and my body shook. He is never going to let me decide what's right for my life. He'll leave again the second I bring up wanting to be like him. We will never be equals.

I closed my eyes and breathed, trying to find my center. Calm down, this is not the girl you want to be, I reminded myself, you can't let Edward see you like this. But the vicious tiger had escaped and refused to be pushed back into the darkness. Why not? He's the one who caused this. You weren't this person before he broke you.

I glared daggers into the floor until my anger eventually dulled, but my cynicism remained. Why should I have to try so hard to change back? This is what he wanted when he left. He's the reason I've changed. I could smooth out the edges all I wanted, but it wasn't going to fix a paper that's been ripped to shreds.

This is all his fault.

Thank you all for reading. Please leave a comment, I love to hear your thoughts and questions. :)