Eremika drabble #10

Title: One Thousand and One

Rated: M (for dark themes)

Summary: One thing more painful than dying was coming back to watch it over and over again. But he knew there was one thing even worse than that

Notes: Gosh I haven't updated this fic in like forever. I guess this is sort of a refreshment break from Hourglass, and I'm in the mood for something angsty (don't hate me). This is something that I've been wanting to write for a long time - kind of a mix between SNK's time loop theory, Steins;Gate, and a manga titled All You Need is Kill (Hollywood version is titled Edge of Tomorrow and played by Tom Cruise and Emily Blunt. Really good movie and manga too. Check them out if you haven't)

Warning: Character death, many times

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

One thing more painful than dying was coming back to watch it over and over again.

The first time it happened, he thought he was having some kind of bad dream. He saw her there, flesh ripped, her eyes hollow and dead, mouth slightly opened as though in a silent scream.

Eren

She was screaming his name. At the end of her life, she begged to see him one more time.

But he could do nothing – he was frozen, paralyzed by fear. The smell of death strangling him, tears burning his eyes, until he felt rage inside his chest. It was too late, too late to save her – he was never going to see her again, she's dead, she's gone… She's reduced to nothing but a pile of torn flesh, bones, and splattered blood.

Mikasa Ackerman was no more.

And then, a searing white-hot pain shot up through him. He knew he must have been dead. He didn't mind being dead – he didn't fear death, if it would lead him to the same place as hers….

But then, he woke up with a start. The smell of grass hitting him, along with the familiar sweet scent of wild flowers. He knew this place, he used to come here with Mikasa and Armin to play in their childhood, when they still lived in Shiganshina District. And when he opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was her face. She was looking at him with wonder, her dark-grey eyes widened slightly, her soft dark strands playing in the wind. She looked pure, innocent, and so… young. She was a child again. He couldn't believe his eyes.

He looked around, and then to himself. He had small hands. His body was considerably lighter. His voice was not the usual deep voice, but that of a higher pitch. He was also a young boy again. And he was in Shiganshina, the place of his birth.

"Why are you crying? Did you have a bad dream?" she asked him, and only then did he notice the crystal drop on the corner of his eyes.

"I don't know…," he said, hesitantly. Were those all real? Or apparently, were they just a dream? But could a dream have been so real? It felt so vivid, yet in the same time, it felt like a distant, blurred memory that he couldn't quite recall. The only thing he remembered was the surge of dread and despair when he saw her dead.

But she was alive.

And so he thought to himself that it must have been a dream.

But then it happened again.

She was dead again, this time she died protecting him. She was always reckless when it came to anything about him. Somewhere in his heart, he always knew – he always feared that her endless devotion to him would send her to death.

And this time, she died in his arms, smiling, as though she could find peace only in death.

He cursed him for letting this happen to her. He cursed her for being so selfish. So she wanted to protect him – so she wanted to sacrifice herself for his sake, and then what? What was he supposed to do after she died? Live and let die?

How the heck was he supposed to live alone without her? He wanted her to see the ocean. He wanted to venture the world outside the walls with her. He hadn't even done any of those yet. He hadn't even freed her from this goddamn hell.

And now she was gone.

Tears and anger burned through him again. He wanted her to live.

And then he found himself waking up again, on the grass field, under the shades of the tree. Her face was looking at him again, questioning. This time, he remembered everything more clearly. He jolted up, grasping her face in his hands and drew her closer to him, none too gently. She gave out a cry of surprise.

"Eren, what's wrong?"

It wasn't a bad dream. It was a reality. It couldn't have been a dream.

He saw her dead, twice. And saw her alive again as a small child, twice. Unwilling to let go, he kept repeating the moments after her death. He refused his own helplessness, refused to see her die before him. Even though he had to continue living the horrors afterwards, he would keep repeating the time until he can save her.

But he never could. She died, and he went back in time, trying to save her. Every time, it was the first time for her. Seeing him waking up from his nap underneath the tree with tears on his eyes. And then, she would ask him if he'd had a bad dream. It had been his many times seeing her, so many times that he couldn't even count. Every time he woke up, he swore that this time, he would let her live. But he had witnessed her die, in so many ways. And no matter how she died, there was one thing that remained unchanged.

It was her love for him, pure and untainted. Selfless love that placed him above the rest, the kind of love that made her fight restlessly for him. And it's always the very same love that sent her to her death.

He alone lived with the memory. He alone lived with the guilt. He alone remembered all the pain when she was taken away from him, again and again. And he alone remembered all the helplessness that he felt when he couldn't protect her. In one thousand and one different time lines, he still failed to save her.

He opened his eyes. The familiar curtain of green leaves above his head greeted him, and he felt the cool breeze blowing. And he saw her face, staring into him.

He wondered how many times he had been here.

"Mikasa…? Your hair is long again isn't it?"

"Are you still dreaming?" she asked, somewhat wary, as she began to collect her firewoods. "We should go home soon." Then she paused, her eyes widened as she studied his face more carefully.

"Eren… why are you crying?"

He wondered how many more times he would have to be here, before he can save her.

And this time, he seized her into his arms. She was surprised, he could tell. But amidst the clattering sound of firewoods that fell to the ground when he carelessly pulled her into an embrace, he still held her tightly.

"You will live," he said to her, trying to swallow back the bitter tears that were beginning to choke him. "This time, you will live. I promise."

He knew that he was being silly, that she wouldn't understand what he meant by this time – because to her, there had only been one time. But he could care less about that – he only wanted her to know that she will live. He will save her.

She didn't reply, and he let her go. Confusion occupied her otherwise impassive face, and there was a blush on her pale cheeks. Her cool manner was replaced by agitation.

"I will not die," she said, "I have to protect you. You'll die an early death without me."

"You don't have to protect me," he said, a little harshly. "I'm not your brother, or your kid. I can protect myself."

She recoiled, and he knew he had hurt her. In other timelines, previous world lines, he had said the same thing, hoping that she would distance himself from him. But she never did.

"Why is it so important that I lived?" she asked him. And he couldn't answer. He only stared.

"I wish I didn't know you," he said finally, very quietly. "But I do."

He ignored her confused glance, and brushed past her. It would be better if she didn't know. Better to keep her in the dark.

One thing more painful than dying was coming back to watch it over and over again.

But he knew there was one thing even worse than that – it was coming back to watch her die over and over again, and he was just that powerless to stop it.