The gym was two times the size of the one back at the Academy. The walls were high and loomed down upon me making me feel like an ant against its size. Black padding lined the bottom ten feet of the concrete walls and the lights lit up everything in a glowing fluorescent; stark in contrast to the dim lighting everywhere else in the hotel that was meant for the sensitive Moroi. It was obvious this place was built to perfectly fit all of the Dhampir who stayed here with their charges. Walking in the room I scanned idly for Dimitri only to find him sitting against a far wall with a book in his hand. I couldn't see what it was but I didn't need to, I knew it was one of his worn out and barely held together western novels that he loved so much. I've never been inclined to want to read for fun but a part of me wanted to read his cheesy western novels just to feel closer to him. Reread the words again and again to understand this little part of him and know all his favorite words by heart.
It felt so childish of me to want to keep him away for myself when he was needed by so many others. I just wanted to have this one thing for myself, this one thing that no one else could say wasn't more important than the Moroi. As I drew closer to him I felt more uncomfortable in my black baggy sweats and my old work out shirt. He stood and I took in all of him towering above me. He was in his usual black muscle tank top and comfortable but still fitted black work out pants. A small part of me wondered just where he found to hide his duster while he was without it.
"Glad you finally saw it fit to arrive, you're ten minutes late."
I opened my mouth to give an excuse but I stopped knowing he already knew what it would be. Cringing I remembered his stern and disconnected face when he saw Adrian in my room with me. Adrian. His words still wandered about the forefront of my mind. The desperate and insane form of a woman fluttered through the thoughts but I wasn't sure if it was supposed to be Anna or Sylvia Plath. I suppose it doesn't really matter considering they both met the same end. Was that really going to become me?
"Rose?"
Dimitri's voice shook me from my reverie and I found him looking down at me, brows furrowed and his look obviously concerned. I had grown so used to that look from him lately; all I do is worry him again and again.
"What are our plans for today?"
I didn't acknowledged what just happened and hoped he would take the hint to let it go. He was hesitant but did and then he began explaining what he wanted me to do for the lesson.
"I think we should use this time to get in some hand to hand combat. I believe it would be good for us considering the amount of aggressive tension that we've been finding holding against us."
He was talking about last night when we had the spat in the hallway. He was right though, as much as I'd rather be holding him another part of me wanted so badly to just fight him. Get out all of my physical tension I was holding against him and I'm sure he felt the same. If we couldn't sublet our tension sexually then we'd have to do with it what we do best and that meant fighting it out. He led us across to the middle of the room and we began the same familiar dance we always did. We circled around looking at each other like hawks looking to grab the same prey. This was one of the things that made me love him so; he treated me like his equal and not like the prey. I wanted to make the first move but I knew that it was better to let him strike first so I could work on my offensive moves.
He hand struck out and knocked me hard against the shoulder but I was ready for the blow and took his movement to move forward as well and strike him hard with my fist in the stomach to knock the air out of him. It worked and he pulled backwards to regain his breathe and footing and I took the moment of weakness to dive forward towards him to land another blow on him. He saw me coming the moment I made a step forward though and he dashed over to his left and I went face forward towards the ground and pushed my arms out to catch myself. I landed with a hard thud but my forearms took the worst of the impact and I flipped myself over as Dimitri lent over me to help me up.
His kindness for me was his biggest weak spot though and as he pulled me up I pushed him down and he landed hard not expecting the push. I jumped down upon him and pressed my still aching forearm against his throat while I straddled his chest.
"I believe this means I win."
I panted heavily as I pulled back my arm not realizing just how hard I had been pushing myself. He smirked beneath me and I could feel his chest rising and falling just as heavy as mine was beneath my body. I supposed I should move but I was enjoying too much how our bodies felt touching each other and I could tell from his lack of movement that he felt the same. It felt like bolts of small electricity were sounding back and forth between our bodies where they touched and it was both enticing and terrifying. No one else could make me feel like this, no one else could set my entire being on such an enticing path like him. I felt all the weight lifted off my shoulder whenever I was alone with him, not a single strand of darkness licked my soul when I was with him. I felt safe and secure just being in his presence and any of the blackness that was inside me cowered in his company.
"Do you know who Sylvia Plath is?"
The words tumbled out of my mouth before I even knew it and I felt his relaxed body tense a little under me. I desperately hoped that it didn't mean he wanted to get up but my worry was subsided as he stayed still underneath me and relaxed his head back against the wooden flooring.
"She was an American poet and author. Why?"
I didn't know where I was meaning to even go with my question so I tried to drop it.
"Nothing…I don't know why I even asked."
I felt him push up and I slid off of him onto the flor beside him while he sat up beside me.
"She's not taught at the Academy so there has to be a reason why you would ask and you know it Roza."
His affectionate pet name for me stung and I felt so guilty again.
"It's just something that someone said to me once about her. I don't really know, like I said I don't even know why I brought it up. You know how I am, my mind moved before my brain half the time."
It was a weak attempt at rebuttal and I knew it.
"What are you hiding from me Roza? What is it that hurts you so deep that you think you can't tell anyone? Are you afraid that I will judge you for whatever it is? You know that isn't true and it hurts me just as much to think you'd find me a person that callous."
His words were spoken like a whisper but they rang so loud in my ears. I felt my hand untangling the ponytail my hair was in and it came softly tumbling down upon me and I shuffled my head a bit to try and shield myself with it. I didn't want to see his face when I told him the things that I had been hiding but I knew it was time; I couldn't keep pushing him out.
"It isn't that I'm worried that you will judge me for it, I know you'd never do that. I'm mostly just ashamed of myself. I don't want you to know that I'm really this goddamn weak."
The words were brittle and broken as I spoke them and I felt a cry try and erupt in my throat but I suffocated it as quick as possible. I hadn't even said anything worth value to be crying already. I may be weak but I wanted to be able to say the words with enough valor that Dimitri didn't think I was such a child. I felt him scoot across the floor so that he was now sitting in front me. He kept enough space to respect how I was trying to hide myself but he moved a hand forward to hold onto one of mine to make sure I still knew he was there for me. I found my mind moving a thousand miles to try and find the words I wanted to speak but I felt at a loss when I felt his thumb brush back and forth against the back of my hand. He made all my words feel so intangible whenever he touched me.
"I've been having these…nightmares…and I've been seeing things that I don't think I should be seeing. And I can't deal with them, they scare me so much I just want to run from them and never stop running. I want to run until my feet bleed and my body collapses, just to be so fucking far away from these things. I can't though, I can't run, I have to stay idle and just let them crawl under my skin like little scorpions and just wait until they think it's the right moment to sting me. I've been doing things that are bad for me to keep them at bay though; things that momentarily take me away from all the bad feelings. They are things that I know you won't be too happy when you find out about them."
The words came pouring out of me like a tsunami and I almost felt winded when I'd finally stopped talking. I kept my hair hanging down in my face but I looked up at him and glanced through the strands. He looked at me with the fondest compassion and worry but I saw his free hand reach up and push my hair back and just held my face. His large hand was warm and I felt myself lightly nuzzle against it aching for this close feeling between us that I'd been waiting so long for.
"I feel so weak…everyone expects me to be so strong and brave and fight off every demon that walks in my path but I just can't sometimes. I get so burnt out trying to be this person I'm not and I find myself clutching at broken straws for something to save me. I'm just this tiny little moth being drawn closer and closer to an open flame sometimes. I just want something that will take all this agony away from me."
My voice was almost screaming it was so loud. I'd held these feelings in for long that they wanted to explode inside of me. I was a vat of pure toxic chemicals that was rumbling and ready to spill at any time and ruin all that was close to me and that's what scared me so much about having Dimitri close to me. At any moment I could explode and I would ruin him. If I really loved him could I risk ruining him?
"I know you're scared Roza but I promise you that no matter what happens I will always be here for you. You can't hold all these negative things inside all the time; it's going to hurt you. I know our circumstances make things hard but don't ever doubt that I…"
His stopped and I knew what words were coming next but I knew how much it would pain us both for them to be finally spoken out loud. I'd spent so many sleepless nights in my head echoing them over and over willing myself to not say them out loud around him. It would only complicate things even more but I wanted to hear them so badly from him. Hear his deep accent echo my own words back at me and look at me with the look I'd always loved to see from him.
"Nothing happened between me and Adrian."
I stole the awkward moment from him to replace it with my own and save him from his floundering. I felt his thumb now brushing against my face like his other one was doing just moments ago on my hand. I felt self conscious once again about my still battered face. I must have looked like a bruised fruit in the back end of super market bin but here he was still looking at me like an angel on earth.
"I know Roza…I know. Nothing happened between me and Tasha, I turned down her offer."
I felt the worlds largest smile break upon my face and he mirrored one right back and me and I wanted to jump into his arms and kiss him. I didn't jump though, but I moved forward on my knees and grabbed him by the face. It felt like real bliss when our lips met. He kissed back and it felt like our lips were made for each other, we fit together so perfectly that it had to be true. It felt like forever as our mouths kept moving slowly against each other before it came to an end. We moved back just enough to see each others faces and we both wordlessly sat there wondering what would be the right things to say. I wanted to desperately to say those words.
"I love…"
An announcement over the speakers in the gym disrupted me though and I felt myself sigh out a breath I was holding so painfully.
"Everyone is requested for a meeting in Banquet Hall A."
The moment between us was broken and I felt Dimitri start to slip back into guardian mode as he stood on his feet and helped me up.
"Women's changing room is just outside to the left, you'd better put on your normal clothes I have a feeling this is going to be an important meeting."
As we exited the gym we started to part ways but I grabbed him by the hand first.
"Thank you for listening."
My voice was meek but they didn't need to be brave for him and I knew that.
"Please don't ever feel like you need to hide from me again Roza."
He looked around to see the hallway empty before leaning down and placing once more tender kiss on my lips before turning and walking away.
Curse whoever called this damn meeting.