Chapter 10
Fitz and Daisy had both urged me to join in with the team, but I didn't for the first few days, not wanting to intrude. It still felt like I was, since I was on my way to have dinner with them, but what I'd told Fitz was true. I was done running from responsibility, done trying to rewrite fate. This was my world, for better or for worse. Hopefully better, which is why I chose SHIELD instead of Hydra. And now I needed to get to know the people I'd decided to work with.
I rolled my shoulders, loving my new suit from Fitz. he'd taken the one from Whitehall away, learning from it and mixing their tech with his. Analysis of the suit also taught him a few cool things I could do, like a pop up SHIELD from my arm and laser finger, both of which Coulson was apparently very excited about. At first I wanted nothing to do with any of it, but I'd agreed with myself that I wouldn't run away anymore, and that included from the past.
With a deep breath, I entered the room. Luckily, for a moment no one noticed me. Hunter was drinking beside Bobbi, who was discussing physical therapy with Mack. Fitz and Daisy were trying to balance spoons on their noses on the other side of the table, and getting laughed at by Lincoln sitting across from Coulson, who was at the head of the table entirely concentrated on his tablet. Trying to take it all in, Simmons perched on her chair beside Bobbi, a bit back from the table. Daisy told me what she'd been through, and it made sense she was overwhelmed. I grabbed the last seat, beside Daisy, uncomfortably close to Coulson. Daisy's spoon clattered off her nose and the table, but I caught it. Of course, everyone got quiet when they noticed me. May as well make the most of their attention. I plopped the spoon on my nose, easily balancing it. Fitz and Daisy clapped jokingly, but their smiles were genuine. Coulson on the other hand didn't look so enthused, but he slid a bag of fast food toward me anyway.
"I recommend the burgers. They're from DJs."
"Thank you." He only nodded. To me he seemed cold and distant, but the others were treating him like he was their cool dad, and he did seem much more relaxed tonight.
It was still enough change to give me vertigo, sitting in a room full of SHIELD agents, as one of them, when only a few months ago I wouldn't been planning how to kill them all. Maybe I still was, on some level. I mean, I did make a mental note of exits, cameras, and weapons the second I stepped through the door. Maybe it's a good thing Simmons and May and Hunter were all keeping a close eye on me. Simmons looked so much older than when she used to come in and give me check ups. She seemed wiser, but that wisdom had cost her, possibly even more than it had cost the rest of us. Most of the people in this room were trained to endure whatever got thrown our way. She was one of the only ones not prepared for fear and pain and slow agonizing death. We were trained to expect it, even look forward to death. Simmons was basically just a kid.
"Alright, we have to be serious now." Coulson sounded joking, but I didn't know him well enough to tell. "Agent Fitz, Agent Johnson, if you would stop throwing french fries we can get started. Okay. I wish we could, just once, have a meal together in peace, but we've got a world to protect. We need to talk about the effect Lash is going to have on Secret Warriors."
I looked involuntarily at the smartwatch on my wrist. I'd had it since the day I learned Daisy's name, when she'd asked me to join before I left. It hadn't been activated yet, and now that I was living on base it was pretty pointless.
"None." Daisy spoke up, suddenly serious. "We can fight him, we proved that in the hospital."
"Which ended with two of your team of four running off, while the third wasn't even present."
"That wasn't Daisy's fault." Lincoln's temper ignited, electrically charging the air around him and making my arm hair stand on end. He so obviously liked her. By what I could read from her body language, they were a couple and had hooked up at least once. Coulson's physical response to Lincoln told me right away he knew too and didn't approve, and that Lincoln wasn't helping her case.
"It was my fault. I should've trusted you Daisy, and brought Lincoln in sooner. I'm sorry for my cowardice." I bowed my head to Coulson, who just looked confused.
"So why come back?" My eyes shot to Lincoln as Coulson spoke, willing him to be silent. "Obviously you wanted no part of SHIELD before, so what changed?"
Deep breaths. "I tried life outside the intelligence community, and it didn't work. It's just not me. I want back in, doing good this time. I want in SHIELD."
They talked about twelve other problems they were facing, and I tried to listen up and have useful input. However, I had no idea what the heck was going on.
"It's a bit stressful when you first join, yeah?" Fitz grinned at me as we dispersed. "You picked a good team, but a bad time. Not that we've really had any good times…"
"I'm not sure I did just join. Coulson obviously doesn't trust me. Not that I blame him."
"You're right." Coulson fell into step with me, motioning Fitz away. "I don't trust you. But I'd really like to. That's why a few days ago I had Kanig send us a present."
Fitz gave me a thumbs up, but none of the others noticed as Coulson led me away. What do you say to the guy running the agency you'd worked to take down for over five years, which you were trying to join? I had no idea, so I kept silent. We ended up in a dark, echoing space that looked like it had once been a hangar. In the very center sat a plain stool and a chair covered in wires, made of what appeared to be pressure plates. I stopped dead. There'd always been rumors, traitor SHIELD scientists leaking their research, but until now it had seemed like a ghost story, a myth to instill fear of SHIELD. But here it was, right before my eyes. SHIELD'S lie detection machine.
I forced myself to keep walking, sit down, to stay still as Coulson strapped me down.
"As long as you're honest you have no reason to be afraid." Was I honest? Not always. But I was being truthful at dinner. I didn't want in because of Hydra, or fear, or bribery. I wanted in because it was a good fit for me, or at least I wanted it to be.
"I'm ready," I told Coulson. He settled on his stool, tablet in hand, and I relaxed. At least after this I'd know where I belonged, whether that was SHIELD or not. The thought was oddly comforting. "We start with trial questions right?"
"Usually. Problem is, we don't know anything about you, so I had agents test it earlier. For this, we'll just go first things first." He tapped his screen, and I knew he was recording the conversation from here on out. "Obviously Hayden Emily Brown isn't your name. What is?"
"Freddie."
"What's Freddie a nickname for?"
"Jamie Frederick."
"Is that your legal name?"
"No. I was given that name by Hydra. They thought it would be easier to reinvent who I was, even in my own mind, if I had a new name."
"What's your birth name?" Shit. Please no more. No more questions. But not answering would mean forfeiting my only chance to become part of SHIELD.
"Claire. Claire Grace Ortholo." Just saying the name sent waves of hate crashing through my brain. Maybe it's lingering Hydra training, but all it reminded me of was my own weakness.
He could see what I was feeling on his tablet, and thankfully changed the subject. "Were you forced to join Hydra?"
"No. i joined of my own free will." Anticipating his next question, I explained as concisely as possible the same thing I'd told Lincoln.
"So your family thinks you're dead." Coulson was so quiet, I wondered what he was thinking about. Maybe his own family.
"Only had a father and a brother, but yeah, if they're still alive, they think I'm not."
"How old were you?"
I took a deep steadying breath. Here was where he discovered he couldn't legally hire me. "Nine years old."
"And how long ago was that?"
"Five years and a couple months." My eyes were closed, but I could hear his sharp intake of breath and long sigh as he did the math.
"You're fourteen?" he asked incredulously, voice laden with sadness. "You're too young, there's no way I can let you-"
"I'll be fifteen soon. FitzSimmons were sixteen when they started!"
"At the academy, where it's safe. I can send you there next year but-"
"I can handle it! I've been through just as much shit as any of you, maybe more, and it's aged me." I forced myself to calm down and speak rationally. "Years of Hydra brainwashing and training have made me mentally as old as all of you, and as strong and intelligent as any adult. Sure, my education wasn't traditional, but for this job that isn't what I need. Since I was nine years old I've been training for this business."
"Are you loyal to SHIELD?"
"No. No I am not loyal to SHIELD. But I am loyal to the people I've met in the last few months who are part of it. I'm loyal to this team. I would die for any of them. For you. But SHIELD in general? Well I don't know how it is now, hopefully better because you seem an improvement, but under Fury it was corrupt and broken. I may not be loyal now, but let me help you fix it and someday I can be."
He gazed intently at me, trying to get a read. He looked older than I'd previously thought. Dark bags drooped below his eyes, and I wondered how long it had been since he'd had a full night. Weeks, months, maybe even years. And as the Director that wasn't going to change anytime soon. He lived a hard life, but at least he got to choose it. Like I was doing now.
"Welcome to SHIELD."
Daisy fit me with a badge and set up my security clearance. She even gave me one of the tablets they all carried, showing me a cool app which displayed every case they were facing in chronological order. I got a locker with my name on it for my tactical gear and weapons. Best of all, I got my very own bedroom and bathroom, both of which locked from the inside. Daisy showed me the laundry room and linen closet, helping me make my bed before bidding me good night. Her own room was three doors down and across the hall, and she promised to leave the door unlocked in case I needed her.
A king size bed took up most of my room, accompanied by a simple wooden dresser, floor length mirror, and a square cut in the wall Daisy told me was for extra storage. The walls were painted the color of cream, somewhere between brown and white. The tile floor was a rich chestnut, patterned to look like wood, matching the trim and bathroom door. I unlaced my boots, padding into the bathroom. Motion sensors flicked on bright fluorescent lights, illuminating a tidy little back and white bathroom. The cabinet under the sink held a men's and a women's toiletry kit, cleaning supplies, and two towels. Daisy had a,so left me a change of clothes, still with tags on everything.
After inspecting the room for cameras, I stripped down and stepped into the shower, closing the glass door behind me and turning the water on as hot as possible. I pulled my underthings from the laundry basket, cleaning them and hanging them in the sink to dry before starting on myself. The cell I'd been living in didn't have a shower, and I hadn't exactly been staying in five star hotels while on the run. Come to think of it, I hadn't had a shower since Hydra, and Hydra showers were just fifteen seconds of freezing water, thirty seconds to scrub, and fifteen more of water to rinse. I hadn't had real, lavish shower like this in five years. The women's kit had some good fruity shampoo and conditioner and cocoa butter body wash. I don't know how you combine chocolate and butter into something to scrub your body, but it got me clean and smelled delicious so I wasn't complaining. Under the flourescent lights my skin looked paler than usual, but that might have been a side effect of being inside so much for Hydra. I was never really black like my father, but I'd always been tan. Now I looked almost as white as my mother. My hair was hers, straight and pitch black, although she dyed hers. I had my father's eyes, but that was about it.
Sometimes I wondered what he'd think of me now. When Hydra took me in I was a weak little girl who needed protecting. Last he knew me, I was afraid of the dark. I thought it held monsters, and he'd never told me I was wrong, but he'd always promised to keep me safe from them. How would he feel now that I was the monster?
None of that, bad Freddie. It's true, but if you think about it you'll cry and have puffy eyes for your first day as a good guy. I pulled my underthings off the sink, quickly ripping the tags off the fitted black cotton pants and t-shirt and slipping them on. I tucked my hair into two tight french braids so I would wake with curly hair like my dads.
Ward always taught me to be the first one up, so at four I was wandering the extensive halls of the base. By five I knew my way around, even found a few shortcuts. I'd run most of it, pausing for the occasional vertical push up to work my arms too, and built up quite an appetite.
No one had to open doors for me anymore. My pass let me through all the doors I'd come across, and I found my way to the kitchen.
The fridge gave me an unexpected opportunity to study the dynamics of the team. Two jars on the counter held multicolored pens and an assortment of sticky notes, which also decorated the stainless steel of the two fridges. Each note held a little casual reminder, most of them dated.
'Simmons, experiments STAY in the lab.'
'Stop putting coffee grounds in the garbage disposal'
'Remember, three meals a day'
'Don't touch Lola' With a cute drawing of a little red sports car.
'Sorry Skye, had to throw out your leftovers, they were disgusting' Another was stuck halfway down that one that read 'P.S. Sorry, I meant Daisy.'
One was a different color than the rest, with a space cleared out so it was easily able to be read in its white on black writing. I ran my fingers along it lovingly, in openmouthed wonder.
'Freddie, anything not claimed is fair game. Cups and plates in the upper cabinets, silverware in the first drawer to the right'
The only note left touching it was 'No unsheathed weapons in the kitchen'. I guess that pertained to me too. They probably assumed Hydra didn't have manor rules like that, though the mess had way stricter laws. Despite that, the note made my heart soar. Sure, it was just a tiny sticky note, and to most people it would be insignificant. To me it meant my place here was finalized, not just as a warrior, not just on mission, but as a part of the team. As a person, not a weapon. This little square of paper drove it home the way the lanyard, even the room hadn't. I was a part of this now, for better or for worse.
"Morning." Coulson twisted a mechanical hand into lock position, striding to the coffeemaker. "If you want something specific, add it to the list. Otherwise you can have anything without a name on it, and if it does you can ask."
The highest shelf had a rack of cereals, bungie corded tightly against the wall. Sadly for me, without my suit I could barely reach the bottom of the boxes. Even with me heeled combat boots, on tiptoe, I had to jump to grab one. Heels and a commanding presence helped me seem taller, but when it came down to it I was still fourteen, and my growth had been stunted by rigorous training.
Me and my bowl of frosted mini wheats leaned against the island while Coulson poured coffee, offering me a cup. I accepted it gratefully, breathing in the steam.
"Sorry if I disturbed your morning routine." The coffee was bitter and black, but to me it was delicious.
"Don't worry about it." He looked up from the book in his hand, looking amusingly like a stereotypical sitcom dad who's been forced to be serious far too early in the morning. "I was actually hoping you'd be here. What we talked about yesterday, your age, that's up to you to disclose to the others. The only one who knows is Daisy. You're on her team, I thought she had the right."
"Yes sir."
"And your family…" I tensed up, but he carried on anyway, not caring. "I know if I thought someone I loved was dead, but then learned they weren't… I would move Heaven and Earth to see them. We sort of did, rescuing Jemma. Don't you want to see them, make sure they're okay?"
"Of course, of course I want to check on them, to see that they're alive. But I can't let them see me." Coulson's brow furrowed, and I fought to explain it. "Who they lost was a kid, an innocent little girl. I can't replace her with who I am now. The girl they loved is dead, I'm trying not to make them have to lose her twice."
Comprehension dawned behind his eyes and he gave me a nod. Neither of us spoke again until the others were awake.