"So, where's the punk?"

Toriel glared at Undyne. The uncouth monster had once again dented the wall with her entrance. Perhaps reinforcing the door after the first incident had been in error. Then again, plaster was rather cheap, and paint likewise. She just wished that she was not having to repair it every week.

The monster in question's eye was scanning the foyer. From the coffee table to the bookcase to the cupboards to the ceiling fan, no hiding place, however unlikely, was left unexamined. Toriel huffed at the rudeness of it.

"If by that oafish descriptor you mean Sans, he is not here."

The face turned on her was puzzled, "You mean he left already?"

"No. He is not in this room," with that, Toriel turned sharply away and strode into the kitchen. She may have huffed, although she would never admit it. Words followed after her, but she ignored them.

Undyne was...irritating. Oh, she was a kind monster, in her way. She was good with the children whenever she visited the school. Passionate, too. A champion of other's hopes and dreams. She was quick to act, although that often meant jumping to conclusions. Scenery was, to her, either a weapon or an inconvenience.

None of this explained Toriel's dislike of the woman. Much of it was quite admirable. It was simply that...Asgore loved her, not as a lover, but as a daughter, and she loved him back. Neither of them would admit it, but it was true.

That was it, really. She had spent centuries trying to fill the hole in her heart. She had taken in so many children, cared for them, fed them...none of them had stayed. Even Frisk was not hers, not truly. Frisk belonged to themselves and all of monsterkind, if not the other way round. But every time Toriel spoke with Undyne, it was her husband's child she saw. Not hers.

Could she be blamed for showing a little spite?

Undyne stared after the retreating queen, then shrugged it off. Toriel probably still had dishes in the oven, and despite Undyne's best efforts, the Boss Monster refused to turn up the temperature even a little. Something about flavoring. She had to admit the Queen's pies tasted really good, sooo….let the Queen bake how she wanted. It wasn't as though she wasn't passionate in other places.

Speaking of which, she had a skeleton to find. Yeah, it was weird thinking of the little punk and her da- Asgore acting all romancy. It was Sans, after all, the lazy slob of a brother to Papyrus who somehow managed to run three of her sentry stations simultaneously AND STILL SLEEP THROUGH HALF HIS SHIFT. But if thinking about him made Asgore go all red and sigh-y, she couldn't really object.

Didn't mean she wasn't going to give that punk a piece of her mind when she found him. Her boots knocked sawdust off the roof beams as she bounded up the stairs. If he thought he could get away with sleeping half the day and rummaging around the kitchen half the night while dating HER DA- KING, he had another thing coming!

She slammed open the first door at the top of the staircase and glared. Nope, no skeletons in the closet - not that even Sans could fit, with all those towels and things. Next!

She'd barely touched the handle of the next door when Papyrus yelled, "HE'S NOT HERE, AND YOU CAN'T COME IN."

She glared at the handle, "Why not, BESTIE?!"

"BECAUSE OF...THINGS! YES, THINGS! THINGS IN FRONT OF THE DOOR WHICH IN NO WAY RELATE TO BIRTHDAYS. IN ANY WAY. AT ALL."

She rolled her eyes. Yep, that sounded like Papyrus. And if he had gifts in there, he probably wasn't hiding Sans. Although why he decided to wrap presents when he KNEW she was coming over was beyond her. And at Asgore's house, too.

"FINE, I'll just keep looking ALONE, WITH NO HELP AT ALL!"

She eyed the door hopefully.

"THE GREAT PAPYRUS WILL NOT HELP ANYONE TO YELL AT HIS BROTHER UNLESS HE DESERVES IT. BUT I CAN TELL YOU FOR CERTAIN HE IS NOT IN THIS ROOM. OR THE FOYER. OR THE CLOSET."

She wilted. No luck there, then.

"Thanks, Pap. You're SO helpful."

"YES, I KNOW! THE GREAT PAPYRUS IS A VERY HELPFUL MONSTER, NYEH HEH HEH!"

She sighed and moved on. At least she knew Sans was within hearing distance. Papyrus always ramped up his cheerful act whenever his brother was around. It was just something he did, although it could be annoying when it happened in the middle of a sentence. One minute he's dragging the monster who designed vent puzzles through the dirt, the next he's acting like the back of his hand was unknown territory. Just another weird skeleton thing...actually, she should tell dad- Asgore. Yeah, that was a good idea. If they were investigating mysteries anyway, she'd like to know about that one, too.

The third door was a bathroom, so she knocked before barging in. The soap dispenser showed its usual scorn. She peered inside the bathtub and opened all the cabinets. Nothing. Great.

The next two rooms were just as Sans-less. Guest rooms, both of them, with fresh flowers scattered in glass jars around one. She smiled at that - he never could resist putting out flowers, and this time he'd remembered to avoid yellow ones. Something about those blank centers gave her the willies.

The next set of stairs passed just as quickly. She had no idea how many steps there were, since she was either too tired to notice or to excited to bother. The closet up here was less empty than the first one, but equally without skeletons. It did have a small white dog, however. He licked her face cheerfully, then jumped down.

She wasn't taking a suggestion from a dog when she opened the door he was scratching at. Clearly she was...letting him through! He probably wanted to retrieve the dog bones poking out from under the curtains in the corner.

…

The dog bones had socks on them. And slippers.

…

Yeah, that was Sans.

She dashed back the curtains, snagged him by the stiff collar of an unfamiliar t-shirt, and rammed him against the other wall. His only reaction was a few hurried blinks. He didn't even have the decency to stop smiling! Not that she'd ever seen him not smiling, but still!

She stuck her face within an inch of his and glared at him, "Nice hiding place, punk. What was it this time, a game with Frisk?"

He tried his best to shrug, "annoying dog. after my bones."

Her grin widened. It wasn't a smile, "Oh, really? Then why were your feet still on the ground?"

"he's annoying. even gravity can't stand him."

Her grin congealed. She let it melt, slowly, and with a long sigh that blew into Sans' face.

"Look, punk. I don't like you. You know that, so do I. You're lazy, weak, and I think your puns suck. No news there."

He nodded. She skewered him with a look.

"But apparently Dad sees...ASGORE sees something in you that I don't. Toriel, too, but her puns are almost as bad as yours."

He nodded, and she growled, "Was that agreement with the puns?"

Sans hesitated, "...yes."

"Good," her eye wandered, then snapped back, "ANYWAYS, they like you. Don't know why, but they do. I might not like it, but it makes him - THEM - happy, so why not? But I can't let you get there hopes up for nothing, SO I made some rules."

His sockets are fixed on her as she pulls the crumpled scrap of paper out of her bra. She glares further, "What? It's convenient. Anyways…"

She cleared her throat, "ITEM ONE: No tardiness. If I hear that you showed up for a date even ONE MINUTE LATE I'll come over to your house and make you eat a BARREL of spaghetti. WITH MUSTARD!"

He shuddered, and she continued, "ITEM TWO: No freeloading. If Dad offers you gifts, you say no. If he insists, you better give him something back. Got it?"

Sans nodded slightly, "GOOD! ITEM THREE: Flirting is not a joke. You do it right or I cream you, got it? No fake proposals, no cheesy pick up lines, and NO GAMES."

Sans was shivering now. Something in her said she should stop this, that it wasn't right treating him like this. The rest of her told that bit to push off. If she was a problem, he would tell her so. That's what she would do, so OBVIOUSLY he agreed with her suggestions. She pushed on.

"ITEM FOUR: Don't waste his time. He's BUSY, get it? Don't text him at 1am because you're bored. Don't drop by the house unless he - THEY - tell you to. Don't do ANYTHING unless they say okay first. His happiness is important, okay? If you mess this up you'll have to deal with me. GOT IT?!"

"...loud and clear."

Sans wouldn't meet her eyes. GOOD! She knew eye contact was a sign of challenge, so looking away meant she'd won!

She dropped him on the floor and spun around, "GREAT! I'm going to go unpack. Don't make me come looking for you again, punk."

"i won't."

She walked away from those quiet words happy in a job well done. That was how it was done, right? She'd read so many confrontations in Alphys' manga. The big brother ALWAYS gave a talking to to the suitor. Or the big sister did. Or the son from the first marriage. BUT ANYWAYS, it had to be done! That way, the suitor knew that the person they were sweet on had backup and not to break their heart or WHAM!

Not that she thought Sans would go that far. He didn't have the spunk.

A/N: Sorry for the large amounts of angst in this; most/all will be resolved in the next chapter, whenever that happens