Olivia opened the door at ten past five hoping desperately that somehow she looked at least slightly less dishevelled than she felt.
She had spent a large part of the afternoon toying with the idea of texting again and "ordering' Rollins to stay away. After lounging for most of the day in sweats without having bothered to bathe, after Amanda's last message she had quickly showered and run around trying to tidy her apartment. Two days worth of dishes had lined the sink. The floor of the lounge was evidence poor Noah had become increasingly stir crazy as the day had progressed when she still hadn't given him much attention. There was an understanding between her and Lucy that Noah should get out of the apartment most days, at least for a short walk, but today she just hadn't been able to collect herself to leave. Poor little guy isn't used to being stuck in here. When he got bored of cartoons she had emptied a box of duplo bricks onto the rug and absentmindedly helped him build a fortress. It had been slightly soothing, the feeling of putting something together when she was fighting off the sensation that everything was falling apart. She had retreated into her mind in a way that she hadn't really done since Noah had come into her life.
Yet despite the swathes of time she spent regretting giving Rollins the go ahead to come over, she hadn't been able to bring herself to send a message and put a stop to the soup delivery. Perhaps it was because was genuinely touched that Amanda cared enough to check in on her, or that she didn't know if she could last another 36 hours till work on Monday stuck in her own head without talking to another adult. And then there was the other point…of everyone I know, Amanda is probably the most likely to know what I'm going through.
So when the doorbell rang, Olivia rushed over and opened it somewhat awkwardly hoping her inner struggle wasn't written clearly all over her face. The moment she saw Amanda's tentative smile she wished she'd spent slightly less time fixing her apartment and more time fixing herself. Olivia was wearing faded blue jeans with a loose dark knit sweater, she'd put a lick of Mascara on her already long lashes at the very last minute but no other makeup, and the ends of her hair were damp. She hadn't given herself more than a glance in the mirror, but having Amanda right in front of her made her conscious of every inch of herself. fuck, is this sweater even clean?
"hey"
"hi"
Amanda stood awkwardly on her doorstep. Her hands clasped tightly around a large brown paper bag. After a moment she seemed to collect herself and thrust the bag forward towards Olivia.
"Meals on wheels. Fancy meeting you here lieutenant"
Amanda's grin managed to be both shy and cheeky at the same time. Cheesy as her joke was, Olivia couldn't resist mirroring her smile when she caught Rollin's eye. As Liv reached out and took the bag Amanda took a step back, and it was then that Liv realised that she was blocking her doorway, and she'd never actually clarified that she'd be inviting Amanda inside.
"Come in Amanda."
"Are you sure? I don't have to…" Amanda spoke in a rush.
"don't be silly, I can't leave you out in the cold after you've been so kind as to deliver dinner"
Olivia stepped back and motioned Amanda inside with her arm.
As Amanda stepped forward to come inside slightly quicker than Olivia expected, she bumped into Olivia's outstretched arm. Olivia felt a jolt in her stomach at the touch.
"Sor-"
Olivia's breath caught on the word, she couldn't seem to find the air to finish.
Thankfully that was the moment Noah wandered around the corner to see what the fuss was about.
"Manna!" He exclaimed excitedly! He then started looking wildly around. "Fwannie?"
Amanda knelt down to give him a hug hello.
"hey there honey, no Frannie today I'm afraid. She was real tired so she had to stay home. But don't worry. We'll go back to the park soon and you can play again."
Noah just stared at Amanda with wide eyes.
"but you and I can play if you like"
Noah slowly nodded, still seeming suspicious of where Amanda might hiding Frannie.
"How bout you show Amanda your Duplo castle, and I'll get us some bowls and spoons hey?"
As Olivia retreated into the kitchen with the bag of Soup she wondered what the hell she had done in awkward situations for the entirety of her adult life before she had a small child on hand to break the ice. If it weren't for Noah they'd probably still be standing in the entranceway. Or maybe not standing.. Olivia felt her cheeks flush at the thought of what other positions she and Rollins could have gotten into in the doorway.
fuck, this is real. For all the confusion and angst since she left Dr Lindstrom's office, she was already beginning to taste how empowering it was to actually acknowledge her feelings for what they were. To name them and own them instead of denying and squashing them into unopened compartments of her mind. She exhaled slowly. She hadn't realised how much energy it had taken out of her to push things away. She was still unsure and utterly terrified, but already she felt so much lighter.
With Noah's giggles punctuating the meal and some rather sketchy flightpaths for aeroplane spoons the tension dissipated as quickly as it had risen. Olivia felt herself relaxing into the banter that she and Amanda had had at the park. It was impossible to overthink things with Noah smearing soup on his own face and Amanda's jeans, keeping both of Olivia's hands busy.
Eventually Olivia had to give him a quick bath and put him to bed. By this time Amanda was sitting on the floor in front of the Duplo castle, legs twisted up underneath her and leaning back against the lounge. She looked so comfortable, there wasn't a question of whether she would leave, Noah gave her a hug goodnight, and with a prompt from Liv a rather insincere apology for the soup spill.
"Give me about 15 minutes" Olivia stage whispered as she backed out of the room, toddler in arms. Amanda didn't say a word, but simply gave Olivia one of her disarming smiles.
When Olivia poked her head back around the door twenty minutes later she saw Amanda tinkering with the Duplo bricks, arranging them into a colour coded pattern. She smiled to herself. A few weeks ago she hadn't really noticed how particular the blonde could be about keeping things in order, but it was one of the little idiosyncrasies that Olivia had begun to pay attention to. One might question if Amanda's paperwork was up to date, but it would always be impeccably organised on her desk.
Do you want a glass of wine, or a beer?"
Amanda jumped slightly at Olivia's voice, and it was apparent that she had been lost in thought.
"Sure, ummm what're you having?"
"Depends, whats in that cake box in your bag of deli delights?"
Amanda grinned up at her.
"you didn't look already?"
Olivia shook her head
"well, I wasn't really sure what you liked, so there is a slice of Tiramisu and a slice of chocolate mud cake. Their Tiramisu is amazing but not everybody likes Tiramisu and everybody likes Mud cake…"
Amanda seemed to realise she was rambling and a blush crept into her cheeks. Olivia liked this softer more vulnerable side to Amanda. Her swagger on the job was hot, but seeing her so nervous was… cute.
"I am someone who likes Tiramisu. But I also love mud cake. How bout I grab a bottle of Red and plate them both up and we can flip a coin for who gets which?"
When Olivia returned with the bottle of wine and cakes Amanda had moved up onto the couch, where she had resumed her position with folded legs, leaning back.
Olivia handed her a glass and sat down at the other side of the couch. "cheers"
"cheers" Amanda raised her glass in Olivia's direction and took a sip.
"so which cake is it going to be?" Amanda looked at Olivia playfully.
"ahhhhh… I can't decide." Olivia took another sip of wine. "I was serious about the coin flip."
Amanda thrust her hips upward from her sitting position so her hand could reach into her pocket, and fished around for a coin. Olivia tried to avert her gaze, but couldn't help staring at the pale strip of skin that had become visible above the waistband of Amanda's jeans as her t-shirt rode up slightly on her toned stomach.
"aahh I know there is a coin here somewhere… yep, got it. You flipping or am I?
Amanda looked up at Olivia expectantly and Olivia's brain seemed to completely disconnect from her mouth.
Ahhhhhhhhh. Somehow the amiable banter of dinner had fizzled and the awkward tension was rising again. Olivia's stomach flipped and she suddenly had the thought that if she smashed her glass against the table it might wake Noah up to save her from herself.
Olivia took a large swig of wine and collected herself. "you do it"
"Okay, heads I get Tiramisu, tails you do."
Amanda flipped the coin up, and caught it neatly in her palm before slapping it onto her opposite hand. "Tails"
Amanda leant forwards and picked up the Tiramisu and a fork and passed it to Olivia.
"All yours lieutenant."
Olivia wasn't sure if she was imagining it or if there was something suggestive about the way her title rolled off Amanda's tongue. She sensed herself getting warmer, yet wiggling out of her sweater felt like it would make the situation worse instead of better.
"I feel bad, you have some too."
She stretched her arm with the plate back out towards Rollins.
"I know your game, you just want some of my mud cake!"
Nevertheless Amanda enthusiastically dug her fork into the Tiramisu. "Looks like we're sharing then"
They had a moment of silence as they both dug into both cakes.
"Mmmmmm" Olivia involuntarily let out a moan after a particularly satisfying piece of chocolate mud cake. Mortified, she scrunched her eyes shut and cringed.
Amanda let out a laugh. "I told you it was good."
Olivia sheepishly reached for her wine glass and drained it before topping up both their glasses.
Amanda took a sip of her wine and seemed to be about to say something, but caught herself. She sat there thoughtfully playing with the stem of her glass with her pale fingers. Olivia watched her, Mesmerised by the slight sway in her long hair that fell over her shoulders and the movement of her fingers.
"what were you going to say?"
Amanda looked up.
"Nothing…"
Olivia met her gaze openly, her eyes questioning. Amanda swallowed.
"Well, I… I was worried you seemed really upset in the bathrooms at the pub, I thought perhaps I'd done something wrong. Then when you weren't at work yesterday…" she trailed off.
Olivia tipped her head back against the couch and sighed before leaning forward again.
"No, Amanda it wasn't you. It was… I was… I wasn't feeling well, I think the long week and the wine…"
She paused, and Amanda waited. After a moment she continued.
"it was a weird deja vu moment actually. You reminded me a lot of a friend I used to have and it caught me off guard."
Olivia was toying with her fork now, scratching at the remains of the Tiramisu and avoiding eye contact with Amanda.
"What happened?"
"Sorry?" Olivia was confused for a moment. She hadn't said anything had happened with the friend in the bathroom. Fuck, Was she that obvious?
"you used past tense, I meant what happened to your friend?"
"Oh… She died. Everything changed after that."
Then she came back to life. Something made Olivia decide not to elaborate on Alex's stint in witness protection.
"Fuck, I'm sorry. Were you close?"
"Yes, well, yes and no. we had a complicated relationship."
Complicated, Like I was hopelessly in love with her from the moment we met and not capable of admitting it. Complicated, like we fought like cat and dog yet somehow became friends. Complicated, like even if I had have been brave enough to admit it she is straight anyway.
Yep, complicated was a good word for her and Alex.
Olivia realised she'd segued into her own world, and that Amanda was looking at her inquisitively.
"We worked together, and hung out a bit." she took another mouthful of wine. She was finally starting to feel the buzz. "my shrink thinks I was probably in love with her."
Oh god. where did that come from? Olivia wondered if she was more intoxicated than she realised. Technically it wasn't even true. She hadn't mentioned Alex to Dr Lindstrom. But that was what he meant, that she'd had feelings for women before.
She looked up at Amanda. She could bet that whatever Amanda had been expecting, it wasn't that level of candidness. Amanda didn't say anything, and Olivia wasn't sure if she'd rendered the blonde lost for words, or if Amanda was craftily employing the interview tactic of staying silent when the interviewee started to open up.
"How did you know?" Olivia finally made eye contact with Amanda again. "That you liked women I mean. That it wasn't just a friend thing, or just a weird admiration thing?"
Now it was Amanda's turn to take a gulp of wine. "Fuck. I don't know. Got drunk in college and hooked up with a girl and liked it I guess."
"that easy" Olivia laughed, tinged slightly with an emotion she couldn't quite place.
"I guess I'm just not that much of a deep thinker."
Olivia shook her head. "I didn't think I was either. I kissed girls in college but never went any further. Then its always been guys… but Dr Lindstrom thinks I'm repressing things."
"Are you?" Amanda's big blue eyes looked at her earnestly.
"Maybe. Probably." Now it was Olivia's turn to play with her wine glass. "I just keep thinking Fuck, how can I be that stupid, I'm fucking 50 and realising this now?" She met Amanda's eyes.
"you're not stupid." Olivia suddenly felt Amanda's hand squeeze her leg comfortingly. She shivered.
"I am"
"No." Amanda spoke with absolute certainty. She reached out and softly swept a couple of tendrils of hair off Olivia's face. Olivia's skin tingled where Amanda's pale fingers made contact with her skin. She was suddenly a lot closer than she had been.
Before she knew what she was doing Olivia leant forward, lips connecting with Amanda's.