Chapter 10: Transformation

The journey back to his cave was took astonishingly more time than it had done in the opposite direction. The eopie was quite heavily loaded with provisions and Obi-Wan found it best to walk beside the animal. It didn't help the matter that he went in deep thoughts.

The dark figure from the holonews had clearly been called Lord Vader. So had Anakin in the last terrible recording from the Temple entrance. But Anakin was dead, wasn't he? Could anyone have survived losing three limbs and severe burns? What would they look like? What would they be? Could Anakin be the same being as the mystic Lord Vader?

Obviously a living being could survive terrible injuries with the right medical attention afterwards. General Grievous had been such. Before being transformed into the droid general he had been a living, breathing being too. Yes, it was definitely possible. After Rattatak he had been more dead than alive himself, and he had survived. With the right help, swiftly enough it could be done. He was sure of that.

I felt the approach of the Chancellor just before we left Mustafar. He could have been close enough get to Anakin in time. No, not Anakin. Never Anakin. The boy I trained is gone. Yoda was right when he stated that. But where is he now? Has he joined the Force or has he been turned into this…abomination? The Vader presented in the news was taller than Anakin. Anakin was tall but not that much taller than the clones. But if the Chancellor, no…Emperor…blast it, the Sith Lord were able to rescue him, and he might have done just that, then he may have rebuilt him this way to look more intimidating. The legs could easily have been prolonged a bit. Yes, it could have been Anakin. And yet, I should have felt him. We were so close. I should have felt him if he still were alive. But I didn't feel him die either. I really should have felt that, no matter the distance. And the figure on the holonews was just an image, not the real person. Would the Sith have given another apprentice the name Vader if Anakin had died? No. He wouldn't. After Maul he took Dooku as his apprentice. After Dooku came Vader. There have always been new names. Force forbid, this figure must be Vader.

A sudden queasiness flooded him as a wave, and he felt almost dizzy when thinking about the consequences of such.

If the mystic figure actually was what was left of his former padawan, what would happen next? Anakin, no Vader for stars' sake, Vader would certainly know by now that Padmé was gone. What would be his next move? Would he suspect that she had given birth before she died? Would anyone have told it? After all Polis Massa was no deserted outpost. Someone might have seen them arrive and heard about the birth. If so, would Ana…no, Vader, know that two children had been born that day. And even more important, would he go searching for them and if so, where?

Anakin really despised this place, not only because of his childhood but also because of his mother's death. Would he come to look for the Lars' just in case? If so, would he believe that Luke was their son? Probably not. He would feel the boy''s force signature and realize the truth. Will I have the strength to kill him if he appears. Will I have the ability? I defeated him at Mustafar, but I'm not sure if I can do that once more. He simply must not come here. And what about Leia? Bail and Breha Organa are much more public persons than the Lars' . Anakin wasn't overly interested in Bail after our visit to Zigoola, so he may not know that they cannot have children on their own. Bail told me, but for sure, I never told Anakin afterwards. That wouldn't have been…ethical. But did Padmé know? And if so, did she tell him? Much is dependent of this, but there is no way I can learn the truth about that. I simply just have to wait and see.

It was late in the evening when Obi-Wan finally reached his home. The eopie was relieved of its burdens and Obi-Wan begun the grueling exercise of carrying the goods up the stairs to the cabin. When letting the first load fall to the ground inside he saw a bluish flicker in the corner of the room, and for a terrifying moment he thought: "Vader". "So much for watching too much holonews," he admonished himself as the blue light transformed into the well known figure of Qui-Gon Jinn.

"Your shopping adventure was successful, I see," came the sardonic comment from his Master. "You never did this much shopping at Coruscant."

"I never had to," Obi-Wan answered dryly, "besides, I have two more loads to carry up the stairs. Too bad you can't help me in your current state, Master."

An elegant brow was lifted over Qui-Gon's clear blue eyes: "A bit grumpy, today, Padawan? Are we not?"

"Not grumpy," Obi-Wan retorted."More like shellshocked. I'll tell you about it when I have got all the goods up here."

Qui-Gon nodded silently.

2/3 eopie loads of goods later Obi-Wan sat down on his recently acquired sleeping mat and told Qui-Gon all about his musings after seeing the holonews.

"Do you believe that machine-man really is…was…Anakin?" he asked his former master.

"How could I tell? You know him better than me. Couldn't you feel anything in the Force? "

Obi-Wan shook his head. "No, nothing there, but what I saw in the news was only an image. I'm not sure I would have felt anything in the Force because of that."

"By now I have taught you some extended meditation techniques," Qui-Gon said pensively, "you could possibly try to stretch out through the Force and try to reach this Vader. If he is your former apprentice you should be able to recognize him."

"But he knows me, just as well as I know him," Obi-Wan interjected. "Don't you think there is a danger that he could recognize me as well, and come after me. I'm not worried on behalf of myself, but we cannot risk him finding Luke. Or Leia."

"There is always a danger," Qui-Gon agreed,"but if he is searching for either of you, knowing about it would give you an advantage, and if not it would give you some peace of mind. At least for the moment being."

"I'll give it a try," said Obi-Wan, and added: "I know, I know. There is no try. Do or do not. I'll do it."

He sat down and sunk gradually into the deep meditative state he had been taught through the last weeks.

The Force feels like water, sometimes it's calm and quiet, other times it is like a stormy ocean and sometimes again it flows in soft and sharpened eddies like a wide river or a small stream. But it is always in motion. Floating, floating from the still surface, deeper, always deeper to the layers where the undercurrents flow. See what cannot be seen with human eyes. Feel the depth of emotions and sense the life around you. Focus, yet let go. Let go of everything, fear, happiness, despair, let it all go and follow the currents.

The flow is calming, caring away. Far away. Emptiness, more emptiness and then a focal point. Another mind long forgotten and lost, and yet only a few standard days ago. Or so it feels. What is a few weeks in the calendar of eternity? In a companionship lasting for more than a decade?

The focal point is glimmering, not with the brightness of the Force, but with an all consuming darkness, and yet the darkness is glimmering like an invert shadow of what used to be a bright mind, unsullied by the darkness.

Deeper, go deeper. Reach for it, and let it go - all in the same time.

Pain, incredible pain. Not the physical pain coming with extended injuries but mental pain, loss, anger, sorrow. The loss of missing a loved one, like the sun has suddenly been extinguished. Nothing left, nothing. Nothing to live for, yet a feeling of …not being able to let go. Anger. Why did she leave me? She should have followed me… I failed her. I failed them! No, not me. She, they, left me. All that is left is this existence that I have now. If it weren't for the Chancellor I would have nothing left. I don't even have me left. Kill them, kill them all. The Jedi kept me down, they kept me from my wife for all those years. At least we could have had each other for a longer time if it hadn't been for them. As long as there is a chance that there may be anyone left alive in the galaxy, I will hunt them down and get rid of them once and for all. And most of all him. My Master. The one that betrayed me in the end. The one that let my wife die. He's out there somewhere. He must be, and I shall find him.

Obi-Wan withdrew abruptly from the deep meditative trance. Cold sweat was dripping off of his brow and mixed with the tears rolling down his cheeks and his mouth felt dry as if he had been screaming. He knew he hadn't. A scream like that would have woke up any sleeping krayt in a radius of three klicks. He was panting as if he had been forced to run, escaping from said krayt dragons. Yet he was still sitting on his sleeping mat.

Qui-Gon's apparition watched him with more than a little concern in his eyes.

"It was him. Anakin. Or what's left of him inside that terrible Vader figure. I felt him. He's so sad, so full of despair and rage. All the things I taught him to release, and then some more. He's missing her, missing Padmé so much. And he hates me even more for taking her away from him. Because that's how the truth appears in his twisted mind."

"I'm glad you realize that it has nothing to do with you," Qui-Gon said quietly.

"Hasn't it now?" Obi-Wan's voice was on the edge of pure sarcasm,"I'd say it has everything to do with me. If I had been there for him when he needed me, needed someone, it might not have come to this. But so be it. It's too late for me to make amends for that now. The important thing is, he doesn't know about the children. He's so focused on hatred and loss that he doesn't even think about his children. He must believe they died with her."

"However, from the holonews and from what I could sense through the meditation, there still must be some Jedi alive in the galaxy."