Shocked, Hank stood staring at his youngest crew mate. He had never faced anything like this before and despite being told what types of signs that could indicate a breakdown or a sign of something else, the Brass had never prepared him for this. Taking a deep breath, went around the corner and grabbed a couple of towels.
Slowly approaching John, he sat down next to him and gathered him in his arm, while the other placed the towels over the cuts. With the cuts covered, Hank held on tightly and began trying to soothe the surprised man.
"It's okay," Hank whispered, gently rocking him. "I'm right here now. I'll help you any way I can, just try and relax. That's it."
As Johnny gave in, he more or less melted into his Captain's arms and began crying. Rubbing his back, Hank just muttered soothing words as best as he could. Although he had never had a biological son, he had also felt like his crew was made up of his sons, especially John. Johnny had been so young when he took over the leadership position and still was in so many ways. Hank knew many of the guys watched out more for Johnny as they felt protective of him. With only an aunt in poor health, the crew was his family.
A half-hour later, Johnny finally regained control of himself. Wiping at his eyes, he glanced away and tried to move out of his Captain's arms.
"Sorry, Cap," he mumbled.
"It's okay," he replied softly, giving one last squeeze. "But I think you and I need to talk. After I look at those cuts."
Knowing by the tone of voice he had no choice, and feeling relieved someone finally figured it out, Johnny gave in.
"I'm not suicidal," he said as Hank picked up a washcloth and dampened it.
"Can I ask why you did this?" Hank asked as casual as possible as he cleaned the cuts. "It looks like it isn't the first time."
Shrugging, Johnny didn't answer.
"I think you might have a clue," Hank said, handing over the antibiotic and bandages.
"It just felt good," Johnny shrugged, unsure how to explain it.
Pulling Johnny up and guiding him into the living room, Hank remarked, "It didn't look like it to me."
Sighing, John knew he had to explain more and as his Captain got the coffee going, he spilled the whole tale, beginning with how he found out that causing pain stopped the images and everything from the last eight or so months. At least for a bit.
Nodding as he sat, Hank paused and admitted, "I understand the nightmares about the horrors on the job. I also get wanting to stop them, but this is not a good way. I want to take you down to see Doctor Brackett today. Hopefully, he can help you with this as I know I can't.
I won't tell anyone you don't want me to about this. But you have to let me take you to see Brackett, deal?"
Sipping at his coffee, Johnny knew he was beaten. Besides, he was tired of fighting with himself and tired of the pain.
Gathering up his courage, he asked, "Can you stay with me?"
Nodding, Hank promised to be there, "Now, go get dressed. And thank you for trusting me to be there for you."
Shrugging, John headed to his room.
Fifteen minutes later, Johnny and Hank arrived at Rampart. Seeking out Dixie, Hank asked to speak with Kel.
"Sure, he's finishing up with a patient right now, but you two can wait in his office," she said smiling at him. "I'll send him in when he's done."
Hank and Johnny headed down the hall. Once in the office, Johnny began pacing nervously.
"What's wrong?"
"What if he locks me up? Or kicks me out of the paramedic program? I mean, it's not like I wanted to do this! Oh, man," Johnny flopped on the couch and buried his face.
"Honestly, I don't know what will happen," Hank told him as he sat next to him. "What I do know is that you can't continue to function as you have been. I know you may not want to hear this, but everyone on our shift is worried about you. They know you aren't doing well, that something is wrong. It's why I came to check on you.
"I do know that I will fight to keep you on board with us if the doctor believes it is best for you. Plus, you know Sara and I will be here for you. You know how my wife is if I tell her I promised to keep something a secret, but I need to be somewhere for someone, she pushes me out the door."
"Yeah, she is kinda pushy," John smiled a bit, which dropped quickly when the door opened, revealing Doctor Bracket.
"Hi, Dixie mentioned you two wanted to see me? Would you like her in here as well?"
Glancing at his captain, Johnny shrugged his shoulders, clearly uncomfortable and unsure. Hank knew how bad some of the cuts were and since he didn't know if any would need stitches, he felt Dixie might as well be here.
"Invite her in, I think it might be best," Hank spoke up.
"That okay with you Johnny?" Kel asked.
"I guess," he said softly.
Seeing that whatever had brought John in wasn't going to be an easy topic, he opened the door and motioned for Dixie to come in. Silence filled the room for a bit before Hank spoke up and revealed what he had witnessed that morning, along with the talk the two had afterward. Although both Kel and Dixie were shocked, it didn't show on their faces.
"How long has this been happening, Johnny?" Kel asked compassionately.
"When I broke my arm, it just felt good to hit it. When that wasn't enough after a week or so, I found myself with a razor blade," he said very quietly, his hands on his lap, his fingers twisting around each other's and his head down.
"How often do you cut?"
"I don't know…" John admitted. "I don't think about it."
"Have you ever found yourself cutting without knowing you were?" Kel inquired.
"Yeah."
"Do you know what images, thoughts, or sounds were going on in your head before this?" he questioned and watched Johnny's reaction carefully.
"Usually, uh, the umm," John was growing more fidgety as he remembered. "Fires with the people trapped, them getting angry at us for not doing more. People hurting, dying. Thinking there's more we should do."
By this time, Johnny's feet were wriggling and he was trying to scratch his arm hard. However, Hank had noticed and held on tight in a half-bear hug to pin his arms. Breathing heavy, Johnny felt even more claustrophobic than before.
"What's happening now, Johnny?" Kel asked as he took Johnny's pulse and blood pressure.
"It's like, I don't know, inside of me is this huge itch and if it doesn't stop, I don't know, honestly, just want it to stop," he said.
"Dixie, get 5 mg of diazepam please. Johnny, if you hold on just a bit, I'm going to give you something to help. I think you're having something like a panic attack and the medication should help," Kel told him.
As soon as Dixie came back, Kel gave the medication and after ten minutes, John's body slowly reacted.
"Better, sweetie?" Dixie asked.
"Yeah, usually…" Johnny trailed off, embarrassed.
"You found a way to cope with the memories, just not in a good way," Kel said. "I know some of my colleagues believe it is a suicide attempt…"
Johnny snorted at that.
"But I'm not in that school of thought. We have to teach you how to deal with these emotions and find a better coping skill, or possibly more than one skill. It may take a bit, but I do think it is possible."
"How long is a while? And what about work? I don't want this to get around or on my record," Johnny rambled.
"I don't know how long this might take and as far as keeping it off your record, that can be done. Right now, since work was a trigger, I think you need a break. Right now, I do need to see those cuts and make sure they are healing properly."
"Fine," Johnny sighed. "Do I get to go home?"
Kel looked at Hank as he hesitated, "I would prefer you stay with someone right now. I'd rather be safe than sorry right now."
Sighing again, Johnny asked what he thought was one of the worst things, "And who do I have to see as far as shrinks go?"
"Uh, actually, I would prefer you talk with me," Kel admitted. "We have great counselors, but I don't feel comfortable with bringing up this issue as most of them don't see it as a way to cope. Hopefully, we can work together. If it doesn't work, then we can always go the traditional route. It's up to you, however."
"I'd rather talk to you, doc," Johnny said quickly.
"I sort of figured that," he smiled. "Alright, let's go to a treatment room and get you on your way."
"And don't worry, Johnny," Hank said. "You can stay at my place as long as needed. As far as what I'll tell the rest of the guys is that things were quite as healed as the doctors thought they were and you'd like some privacy for now."
Smiling a smile that didn't meet his eyes, Johnny thanked his Captain as they followed Doctor Brackett and Dixie to a treatment room. Luck was on John's side as no cut needed stitching and as long as he continued to clean them, put on antibacterial cream and bandages, they would heal with time.
Before they left, Kel said he would meet Johnny at Hank's around seven if that was fine to begin sessions. With that agreement in place, Hank drove Johnny to pack before taking him to his house.