Star Trek Voyager: Vulcans Chapter 10, a startrek: voyager fanfic

The next morning she had Vorik in her thoughts continuously. She hoped Torres didn't blame him for Ashmore's death. She knew he'd taken personal responsibility as the mission leader. She made her way to Engineering as quickly as possible, determined to make sure he didn't retreat into the survivor's guilt Kes had warned her against.

The doors to Engineering opened and she looked around for him, but couldn't see him. She checked in with Torres for her daily assignment. "I'd like you to continue your work on the faceplate issue until we have a solution. Any resources you need, let me know."

Rae nodded and looked around, she still couldn't see Vorik. He wasn't being suspended or anything, was he? She reluctantly picked up the rock samples she needed and the helmet and went to the engineering lab. She worked diligently for the next few hours, and with her preliminary work on the shuttle, she felt like she was starting to make progress towards a hypothesis. She went back into the main engine room to confer with one of the geology specialists. On the way she finally spotted Vorik by one of the computer panels. She quickly asked her questions, then made her way over to him.

"Hey, hi. I tried to come by and see you last night-" she started.

He turned, "Ensign Matherson. I apologize, I was busy. Perhaps we could discuss this later."

She nodded, they were at work. "Yes, of course. I do want to let you know I'm making progress with my rock analysis. Lieutenant Torres asked me to focus on that for now."

"Excellent. Please let me know what you find." He turned back to the panel.

She realized things are different now they were off the delta flyer, and at work they needed to have a professional relationship. "I will, Ensign." And she walked back to the lab.

Her lunch break came, and she cleaned up her lab area, thinking about her plans to continue tomorrow. After lunch she was still scheduled to be in hydroponics with Kes. In the mess hall she took the heaping plate Neelix made her and sat down at a table. "He's going to get me fat if I'm not careful," she laughed. She started eating and watched the door. Vorik could make his own lunch schedule, she knew. He knew what her schedule was. Soon she was rewarded with him coming in and walking over. She wiped her mouth with a napkin and gave him a broad smile. He handed her her sketchbook.

"This was in my duffel bag by mistake."

"I didn't even know it was missing." She took it and put it down on the table, "Why don't you get a plate? Neelix has some good dishes over there."

He shook his head. "Sorry, I can't."

"Oh, well, okay, I'll see you later then."

He walked away.

She continued to eat, wondering what must be plaguing him so much. She thought about talking to Torres soon about making Engineering her full time job. She would discuss it with Kes that afternoon. She picked up a piece of an apple-type fruit off her plate and stopped mid-chew, stunned. Vorik was eating lunch alone at a table across the mess hall. She finished chewing and swallowed hard, staring at him. He ate quietly with his head down, not appearing to be rushed. She looked down at her plate quickly. She felt a jolt in her stomach. What was going on? She frowned, thinking over the past 24 hours. His refusal to answer her communicator pages, her ping at his door. His short answers to her in Engineering. She looked up at him with a sudden realization. He was avoiding her. She felt a sting over her face like she'd been slapped. She'd attributed it to stress, his meditating over a difficult debrief, being professional while on shift, but they were off shift now. He deliberately wouldn't sit with her or talk to her. It was like he was trying to go back to how things were before the mission. She pushed her plate away and grabbed her sketchbook. She walked over to his table. He looked up at her.

"Can I help you?" he asked.

She opened her mouth to respond and a thousand words came to mind. She took a deep breath and said tersely, "No. I suppose not." She stared at him and he quickly looked down at his plate. She tapped her sketchbook on the table a few times, then turned and walked out of the mess hall. She walked briskly to the elevator in a daze, and up to her deck, running to her room. Inside, she threw her sketchbook across the living room and fell to the floor, sobbing.

She slammed her hands on the floor, yelling, "No, no, no!" she couldn't control herself. He used her. He used her, made her believe in him, in them, gave her hope for a future, then dumped her. And did it in such a way that he didn't even have the decency to tell her. "Fucking coward!" she stood up and started pacing around her quarters. She was furious. She'd shared so much of herself with him, given so much to him. Why did he do it? He was that heartless? She couldn't believe she'd been such a fool. She thought briefly about filing a complaint, bringing him up on charges but quickly dismissed the idea, knowing it would make things a thousand times worse. She shook her head and continued to pace. Suddenly her communicator went off.

"Kes to Rae."

She cleared her throat and tapped her communicator, "Yes?"

"I thought you were coming to hydroponics today."

"Oh, I'm not feeling well Kes, I'm sorry, can I skip today?"

"Sure, no problem. I'll still see you at the memorial though, right?"

The memorial. That was today. "Um, yes, I'll be there."

"Okay Rae. Take care."

She sat on her bed, dejected, and put her head in her hands, replaying her interactions with Vorik that day. He'd seemed fine yesterday when they got off the ship, even when she saw him outside of the Engineering conference room, he'd smiled at her. Maybe he just did that because Torres was there. She knew there wouldn't be an issue of them being together. Other people on the ship were together. Maybe she was over thinking it. Maybe he was just stressed and thinking he had to be "on duty" until his whole shift was over. She wiped her face. Maybe that was it. She didn't know. She got up and looked in her living room and pulled her sketchbook out from behind the couch cushion. She flipped through it and looked at her sketches, recent ones she'd made in the last weeks. Him laying on the bed, smiling at her, lots of drawings of him shirtless, sleeping, working. She closed it up and put it on her dresser. She was entirely confused. Perhaps he was having difficulty with the memorial today, his guilt over the mission. She didn't know.

She took a shower and changed into her dress uniform and made her way to the reception before the memorial. She was met by Kes who was concerned over her mental state. Rae put her uncertainty about Vorik aside and focused on Ashmore. She was touched over how many of the crew talked to her and gave her support and understanding. Kes was right, she sensed no accusations, no blame from them. Vorik was there as well, and she saw the same kind treatment from the crew towards him. She stared at the food, unable to eat, until she saw a vegetable taurine, and thought back to when he told her he would make it for her when they got back. She took a slice and forced herself to eat it. It was good, she made a small smile, thinking about how much he would have enjoyed watching her eat it. Soon they sat down and Captain Janeway spoke about Ashmore. Torres spoke too, and his roommate, who was his best friend. It was a touching tribute to him. She stood up and spoke too, not really remembering what she said, just about how glad she was to have known him and how his personality brightened the room. She glanced over at Vorik when she was speaking and he refused to meet her gaze. Did he blame her now? None of this made sense. She sat back down and Vorik did get up and spoke eloquently, and simply about Ashmore, the sacrifice he made so they could get the supplies they needed for the ship.

After the services, Kes stayed by her side, and Rae excused herself to go back to her quarters. She stopped by Vorik before she left, seeing him over to the side, sipping a drink.

She stood in front of him, "That was a good speech you made."

"Thank you."

She sighed, frustrated. She cleared her throat and decided to put herself out there, "So, are you going to come by my quarters tonight? I've made room for your things." She held her breath and bit her lip.

She saw a flicker of emotion over his face that left as quickly as it came. "That's not going to happen."

She felt like she'd been punched in the gut. She wanted to grab her words and take them back, but it was too late, he'd skewered them and stabbed her in the heart. She swallowed hard, "Right." She nodded, her lips tight, "Right." She turned quickly and walked purposefully out of the meeting hall. She kept her arms crossed tightly in front of her, feeling like it was the only thing holding her together. Again, she found herself up in her quarters, sobbing uncontrollably. She wished she'd never, ever gone on that mission. He was cruel and selfish beyond belief, to get her hopes up, to play with her emotions. She still had bruises on her from their rough sex just two days ago. "Ugh!" she pushed a chair down. To think she bought it all, he fooled her. She was disgusted, with him, with herself. She walked in her bedroom and saw the space she'd made for him to move in with her. He never actually said he would do that, now that she thought about it. She took her storage box out and angrily put her clothes and things back in her closet, in her drawers. She didn't want to look at the empty space, her plans.

Later that night she composed a message to Vorik, letting him know how much she cared about him, how much she treasured their relationship and time on the shuttle. She told him she hoped he didn't blame her for Ashmore's death, that she didn't blame him. The tears flowed down her face as she thought about all the past weeks together and how emotionally enriching it had been. She told him there were plenty of couples on Voyager and she knew how to keep it professional at work, and if he didn't want to move in with her yet, she understood. She read over how much she poured out her heart and made herself vulnerable again to him, but figured she couldn't be hurt much more, and not being able to say these things would be more painful than not. Maybe she could start a dialog, and overcome some wrong idea he had. She sent it to his datapad and waited. She got some tea and drank, forcing herself to wait 30 minutes.

"Computer, where is Ensign Vorik?"

"Ensign Vorik is in his quarters."

"Has he received my message on his datapad."

"Yes."

"Has he opened it?"

"Yes."

She never got a reply.

The next morning she dreaded going to work, and went to the lab as quickly as she could. She rarely went out into main engineering, keeping her focus on her work. She went to the mess hall, hoping Vorik would at least wait to eat until she was gone, but she was not so fortunate. Half-way through her meal he came in the mess hall and got a plate, sitting again across the mess hall by himself. She felt herself choking on the food, and pushed her plate away, leaving for her quarters again. She started eating in her quarters after that, what little she did eat. Kes questioned her a few times, Neelix too, about her quietness, her unhappiness. She thought about confiding in Kes, but decided not to. Anything she told Kes, she told Neelix, and you might as well make an announcement over the ship after that. She was embarrassed, and the less people who knew about it, the more she could try to not think about it during the day. The emotional pain was exquisite. To have something, then have it taken away, he couldn't have hurt her more. She still had to see him, work with him. She had to pretend she was okay, she didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing her upset, most days she didn't know how she was going to survive, and some days she didn't care.

How can you see into my eyes, like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb, without a soul
My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

Wake me up

Wake me up inside

I can't wake up,
Wake me up inside,

Save me,
Call my name and save me from the dark,

Wake me up
Bid my blood to run,

I can't wake up
Before I come undone,

Save me
Save me from the nothing I've become

Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real, bring me to life

Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead

All this time, I can't believe I couldn't see

Kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me

I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems

I've got to open my eyes to everything

Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul

Don't let me die here
There must be something wrong,

Bring me to life

Wake me up,

wake me up inside