J is for Journals

Jeff popped a fry in his mouth, grumbling through the tail end of his story. "So long story short, she catches me reading the thing and she flies totally off the handle. Like I'm about to read the name of her secret crush, or something."

Adam seemed genuinely concerned by Jeff's statements. "I dunno, man, journals are private for a reason...if I ever caught Jen trying to snoop through mine-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Jeff wore a smirk. "You're telling me you have a diary?" He looked to his right, towards Timmy, then across the booth towards Russell. "You guys back me up on this one, kooky or what? I mean. I've never had a diary in my life."

Timmy shrugged, taking a sip of coffee. "I see nothing wrong in keeping a journal, Mr. Bingham. I've been known to write down my inner-most dialogues, it can act as a form of therapy...catharsis. Heaven knows what might happen if I didn't take a moment to commit my more unseemly thoughts to paper." He took careful aim to set sight on Russell across the booth; a death glare.

Russell ignored this. "I'm with Jeff, diaries are for girls. Frilly pink stuff, glitter stickers, uh... 'Billy frenched me today in study hall, Brittany's a whore!'...that's what twelve year olds think about, right?"

"Whatever," said Adam. "Timmy gets it. It's just a place to get a little me time, talk to myself. I'm with Audrey on this one."

Jeff huffed. "Whatever. Wasn't anything good in there anyway, nothing she hasn't said to my face a bunch of times. Took it away before I could get to any of the real dirt."

A moment of silence passed, the topic seemingly dropped before Russell broke through with laughter, pointing Timmy's way. "Ha, you have a diary." A slight delay in this reaction.

Timmy sneered Russell's way.

"You write about your period? That bitch in gym class, how she stole your scrunchy?"

Timmy hissed through his teeth, retaining further commentary.

"How all the boys in school don't like you? Don't worry, I'm sure Scotty's gonna ask you to prom."

With this Timmy left the booth, having had enough.

"Awh, Timmy, come on now, don't be like that! Forget Scotty, I'll save you a dance!"

[editor's note: the following are excerpts from the journals of ones Russell Dunbar and Timir Patel, circa 2009-2013]

TIMMY

Began work today with prestigious Dunbar Industries. Their hiring methods seem a tad peculiar, but then I've been warned that one can never tell with big wigs (the higher the man, the more eccentric...that certainly seems the case here). I'm working for one Mr. Russell Dunbar himself, son to Franklin Dunbar, CEO...he serves as Project Director, and as his assistant, this could mean good things for me. Wish me luck!

RUSSELL

Ugh, this no more female assistants thing blows. On the upside I hired some new jerk today, think his name is Jimmy or Timmy or something, the good news is he's like a trained dog and he sounds like James Bond. He'd lick my shoes if I asked him to.

Ha! I love this guy!

(Note to self: see if Tommy will lick my shoes tomorrow.)

TIMMY

The longer I'm in this city, a fully fledged resident if you will, the more enchanted I find myself with it. The sights, the sounds, the diversity of the people who call it home. Simran says I'll grow tired of it all, that I'm still on a high from landing such a prestigious new position.

Speaking of the new job, it certainly isn't what I expected. Despite Mr. Dunbar's insistence that we will begin training any day now, he seems quite persistent on sending me on rather remedial errands, and has begun having me accompany him on what are becoming regular bar crawls...what he deems "booty patrol"...

I'm brushing up my resume.

RUSSELL

Timmy's hilarious. I dared him to touch this weird looking thing on the sidewalk for a fiver, I don't know what it was but it smelled and the best part is he ACTUALLY DID IT. Dude's hard up for cash or something.

TIMMY

Russell Dunbar is the most deplorable human being I have ever had the misfortunate of crossing paths with in my entire life. To think I have spent an entire three months under his employ is utterly inconceivable. It is outrageously incomprehensible that I have succeeded in forcing myself through so many put downs, racially insensitive remarks, ointment applications, and playing heel dog in seedy establishments. All for what?

In the end, what do I gain from any of this? A measly paycheck. I could get a better job at the snap of my fingers. He should be so lucky to have found someone who would crawl on hands and knees to do his bidding for such pittance in the hopes of mere scraps of recognition.

Promotion? Doubtful. At this rate I'd welcome termination.

He sent me a text message today. He wished me another happy monthiversary. And I was pleased grateful for the gesture.

Why keep doing this, Timmy?

Who in the bloody hell is this man?

RUSSELL

I think this thing with Timmy might just work out. He's a pretty good kid...

Oh, and I met this chick tonight with the best knockers you ever saw in your life.

Wouldn't give me the time of day, but I was there with Tim. Starting to notice a pattern. He really throws off my groove.

TIMMY

Do you think, dear journal, that I have a tendency to set myself up for failure?

After the third or fourth month, I might have still had an out, but now? I am losing sight of shore. My therapist says I have a tendency to ramble, so allow me to state this as clearly and concisely as possible:

It has been one year to the day that Russell T. Dunbar hired me. I am still his assistant. I am trapped. Whoever finds these words upon this paper, years from now, please remember me well, for I went down fighting.

RUSSELL

Would you believe that little number from accounting still won't budge? She'd working on the BUDGEt but she won't BUDGE for the old Russell Muscle, get it? GET IT?

Oh but it's me and Timmy's anniversarino so I've got plans tonight anyway.

Okay that sounded super gay that's my Q to end this thing.

TIMMY

I've ended my engagement to the fair Suneetha. She's gone home, no hearts broken, all perfectly agreeable. My father certainly seems unenthused with my decision, my mother moreso. "Timir," she always tells me, "you're going to die alone." Thank you for the vote of confidence.

I've let Mr. Dunbar's words get the best of me. He did convince me that I need to find someone on my own, a woman whom I truly love, who loves me in return. Ironic, coming from Mr. Flavour-of-the-Hour. Suneetha was beautiful and charming, we did enjoy one another's company, but we felt no spark. She wasn't the one.

RUSSELL

Really thought she was the one. She was beautiful, that hair and that skin...maybe I've got a thing for Indian gals. Maybe I need to start narrowing the field a bit, eh?

Think I lost the only girl I'll ever really love. Then again, probably nothing a good lady-for-rent couldn't fix, am I right?!

Not really feeling it, tonight. Gonna hit the sack.

TIMMY

My therapy sessions go a bit like this.

Me: I think I've finally figured out my boss.

Her: Oh, so you're playing psychoanalyst again?

We stare one another down for some time, she reads me like an open book. Of course I only started seeing this woman upon the realization that I could no longer deal with Mr. Dunbar's torments on my own. She called me out the first time I referenced him by his first name. The first time I said we'd gone somewhere together recreationally of my own free will. She doesn't miss these things.

Yesterday I told my therapist that I'd arrived at this conclusion: Somehow, inexplicably, he needs guidance. I'm not quite sure how it is that Russell has survived four decades counting, without someone being there to ensure he not strangle himself with his own two hands. He appears at once both childlike and lonesome. I've come to realize these things, and in my weakest moments they give way to forgiveness, perhaps kinship.

Then he calls me Squanto and I recall how much I loathe him.

RUSSELL

Squanto's got his teepee in a bunch again about something, I don't know what. It's always something with that guy. I'll take him out for drinks tomorrow, he'll be fine.

It's weird though, we're in the diner the other day and I'm sitting there with Tim and the guys come in and I remember not so long ago when he wasn't here. There was a time before Timmy? I used to hang around with those bozos all the time. I mean I still do but now I'm usually with this bozo. When he's not with me, sometimes people ask where he is, like I'm supposed to know, like he's my kid or something?

Kind of starting to forget what that was like, when Timmy wasn't around. Weird.

TIMMY

Things are going remarkably well with the fair Allison. I believe we have a great amount in common, and she continues to be quite taken with the Timmy Shimmy.

Will report back, dear journal, but I'm a little busy these days...if you know what I mean.

RUSSELL

Reminder to bring disinfectant to work. I knew Timmy had to lose his virginity eventually but all over the office?

TIMMY

I'm a little drunk. Been drinking and brinking, thinking, helps ease the stings. Heartbreaks...

She says we're too far apart. I don't think she only means the miles. Since she moved away, I have tried to keep in touch, but she kept drifting... We are far apart.

And I sit in this city alone. Big city, small Timmy. I am so alone. Never going to find anyone.

There is so much love inside of me and nobody wants it.

RUSSELL

Came back to the office and Timmy was there alone, stone cold wasted. Made sure he got home. Think his Chicago chick cut him loose or something. Never saw him so gone.

Kinda feel like I shouldn't have left him alone...kinda feel like I should go back and check on him but that's weird right?

He'll be fine I guess.

TIMMY

Had a lovely evening, somehow managed this despite my company being you-know-who. You know, sometimes I believe he might be halfway fixable. Perhaps this is why I bother spending any amount of time attempting to analyze his inner workings, so that I may save some future woman from his filthy clutches. Perhaps I'm a touch too altruistic for my own good.

He has terrible tastes, at any rate. We went to the theatre tonight. The third act completely restored the second, he has no idea at all what he's talking about, and the cast was nothing short of amazing.

RUSSELL

Went and did a thing with Timmy, that was good. Took him to that new show in town, give it a 6/10, he thought I was pretty harsh but what the hell does he know? UGH that whole thing was totally phoned in, I could act better with my hands tied behind my back. BEHIND MY BACK, TIMMY.

PS. Why do you think they're called horny toads? Like, are they just good to go all the time, or what's up with that?

PPS. Timmy just texted about that stupid third act again, idiot, he has no idea what he's talking about.

TIMMY

Perhaps things are settling in with Liz and Russell's marriage...I don't know, that still doesn't look right on paper no matter how many times I write it out. However, he seems a tad less repulsed than upon their initial nuptials, and she seems to have settled him down a touch. We'll see what develops.

RUSSELL

UGH I hate this woman. But I dunno man, I kinda don't? Weird.

TIMMY

I have had lips forced upon mine which can never be unforced.

I have seen things the likes of which I can never unsee.

I have been used as a sickly pawn in a game of cat and mouse. Oh! Should I never hear another word of that wretched woman and her cats again, and should I never come within an inch of Russell Dunbar's...anatomy for as long as I live.

IT WAS RIGHT THERE.

RUSSELL

Liz tried to bone Timmy. We're getting a divorce. I really should know better by now.

Women, all the same, can't live with them, can't live without them, am I right?

Really thought I could do this. I tried. Nothing matters in the end. People find somebody else to care about, they get bored. It's all the same. Learned that score a long time ago.

But it's probably my fault. Thinking I don't want this same person crap all the time, gotta play the field right? Then I get with a woman and kind of warm up to the idea. Knowing someone's really there and cares. Somebody to come home to, who you know is gonna be there when the going gets tough, that sounds kind of nice.

Then your wife tries to screw your assistant. Same old story every time.

So if there's this soul mate thing people talk about I probably don't have one. Or I met her already and she's gone. Or she's under my nose and I keep missing her, NY is a big city. Maybe she's halfway around the world, mystery woman doesn't speak any english. Just my luck.

This is easier. Bachelor thing. Get more tail this way.

PS. Timmy's still upset he saw my dick.

TIMMY

It's not that I despise the new intern at work, it's just that he shows a distinct lack of work ethic, refuses to follow basic direction, and is making Russell more obnoxious than usual.

Also he has annoying hair. And what kind of name is Topher? Topher. Gopher. I'm going to begin calling him that behind his back. Arrogant little brat.

I hate him.

RUSSELL

Love this new kid, Topher. He knows all the cool joints. Cool kid. Timmy hates him, so you know he's cool. That's gotta be some kinda measurement, right?

The more Timmy hates something, the cooler it is. Ha, that's how you know I'm AWESOME! LOL.

TIMMY

I FIRED HIM. I was the one to do it. You should have seen the smug look on his sniveling little face! If they call for references I am going to laugh in their faces and slam the phone down, it will be orgasmic!

RUSSELL

Tim's a little excited to be rid of that Topher kid. I know he was a douche, but.

Jeff and Adam were telling me how Timmy was acting weird, trying to get everybody to hang out with him. Like he missed having me around or something.

Okay so don't tell anybody this but he's a lot cooler than Topher. That guy was an idiot. I mean if we can call Timmy cool. He's a lot more...something than that nozzle was.

I feel better when I'm around him. I feel like

[editor's note: text cuts off abruptly]

TIMMY

My therapist reiterates regularly that these pages are meant for honesty. All right. I've recognized a fact in my relationship with Russell. Specifically, a fact about myself and our relationship.

I'd like very much to stop referring to what we have as a 'relationship' but I don't know what else to call it and in this moment I can't stop to psychoanalyze why this word is making me so uncomfortable, so I shall proceed with the original train of thought.

It would appear that, naturally, one Russell Dunbar has a tendency to create disturbances in my world. In short: he screws up my life. He will do the most deplorable of things. Mere days ago the man accused me of SEXUAL HARASSMENT. I was forced to sit in a room with him and debate the charges, absolutely humiliating, all for the sake of a woman he wished to bed. I might have been able to transfer to a new position for all of this and what did I do?! WHAT DID I DO?!

I accepted his apology and WE HAD DINNER. TOGETHER. And I STILL WORK FOR HIM. Mind you I now realize that I stood up the young woman in question, the one he wished to steal away as his own. The one neither of us ended up seeing at all. I stood up this woman for RUSSELL FREAKING DUNBAR, who had trapped me in a small room, having just accused me of sexual harassment!

Dear journal, am I a madman? Because this is not the first time I have forgiven him so easily, but I must, I MUST insist on it being the last.

And as we are being honest, chances are it won't be, and now my goal is to determine why this is the case. There are so many better jobs in this city. There are so many better bosses, better friends, better people. Yet, here we are.

RUSSELL

Been on more dates with Timmy lately than with chicks. Gotta get my game back. He's a good hang, but feel like we're giving off a vibe if you catch my drift.

He tried to quit again. Geez. He settled for dinner. Ha, would have given him a raise and everything if I had to, he's so easy.

Tried to pick up a couple honeys last night, I wasn't really feeling it but think Tim was kind of disappointed that this one chick didn't go for him. Don't know what was wrong with her, he was pretty put together, looked good last night, I'd have taken him home. I mean, she looked good, they'd have looked good together. I mean you know what I mean. Fuck.

TIMMY

I must admit despite the fact our rousing rendition of To Be With You was quite exhilarating, upon reflection I've realized the entire scene was all a set-up and Russell was to blame for my near humiliation.

I thought I would be bedding a woman who has now decided I am in a homosexual relationship with my boss. And I'm somehow less upset about this than one would automatically assume.

How many times have people taken him for my gay lover? It's become second nature to shoot down the allegations. It's become second nature to ignore them. But last night we left together, Russell and I, and she left without me. The whole song had been for her.

Something is amiss.

RUSSELL

Yeah that didn't go as planned. I set him up for failure and then something clicked and it was like...I had to save Timmy from myself. It's usually funny when I screw with him. Getting less funny.

I keep feeling things. I shut it down and it comes back at all the wrong times. I don't like feelings things. Everybody's always talking about FEELINGSSSS all the time.

He kind of drank a lot after we sang that stupid song. We both did, we had a good time. He brought me home, like he thinks it's his job to take care of me. Guess it kind of is. Just hope he got home safe and stuff.

I think I wanted him to stay.

TIMMY

Russell Dunbar appears to be harboring some sort of repressed desires for me.

This is a problem.

At first I was unquestionably disturbed by this fact, by the woman he had shaped to resemble me, by his unwillingness to accept this very fact, to come to terms with his own games.

But what I've come to find, worse yet, is that I've grown less disturbed the longer I ponder on these revelations.

This. This is a bigger problem.

Oh Timmy. Oh, Timmy, you've made a grand mess of things.

RUSSELL

Radha broke up with me... I may or may not have yelled out the wrong name during sex? I don't even remember whose name I yelled out but she was super pissed, it was a whole thing...

I mean, geez women blow everything out of proportion you know what I mean it's ridick.

Plus she seemed super obsessed with Timmy or something...

[editor's note: Russell wrote something here. He scribbled it out hard and dark.]

Yeah I don't know what her problem was.

TIMMY

Honesty. What is honesty? If I am to be truly honest with myself, if I am to truly face what is happening, then so should he have to face what is truly happening. And he has refused. I tried to speak with him about Radha. About feeling me up in the office, about the repercussions of this event, and he twisted reality. As always. So, bluntly, to hell with honesty.

To think I have wasted a solitary second of my life pondering any of this should be a source of shame.

RUSSELL

I keep feeling weird things and I want it to stop

but I don't want it to stop

what the hell is going on

damn it I think this has been happening for a long time

GET A GRIP RUSSELL

RUSSELL

I can't stop thinking about him. More than usual. I called him but he didn't answer. What if one of these days I need him and he's just not there? He's always there. He can't just not be there.

If you really care about somebody, they should want you to know where they are all the time, right? That makes sense. I have to do something.

TIMMY

Strange day at the office, feeling rather unsettled...there seemed something a tad off. Probably just the flu shot though, always a bit feverish afterwards.

Received a letter from mother, lovely surprise, then tea and a bit of light reading. Normal evening at home. They say I'm boring, but I do enjoy pleasant quiet nights such as tonight. Heaven knows I've earned a few.

TIMMY

I have finally done it. Russell Dunbar has finally crossed that line in the sand, the one I thought he had crossed so many times before which I kept drawing out just a smidgen further. Well, no more. I am done.

I am not a pet to be chipped and tracked, I am not a dog, he has no ownership over me! The audacity in his claims, that he might not know what he'd do if I was gone. That such actions might come from anywhere other than a place of selfishness and entitlement? Well, I am gone. Good riddance. I can say with no further sense of uncertainty that I am done.

I have left him for good, dear journal.

I feel free. I feel as though I can finally begin a new chapter in the life of Timmy Patel.

THIS IS A NEW DAY.

RUSSELL

So I'm seeing this chick who's missing a toe. And I'm thinking, I once knew this other chick who had an extra toe, and what if they got them both together, could they not just take the toe off the one and put it on the other and then both of them would be totes normal and everybody would be happy? Like, has nobody ever thought of doing that? Also how is it that I keep meeting these weird toe chicks? I should write a book or something.

Oh and Timmy quit, I guess. So there's that.

TIMMY

My new job is wonderful.

I love my new job.

Respectable wage, compliments instead of put-downs, room for advancement which looks to be immanent.

I could not be happier.

I tried to delete his number again today.

My god I am so dreadfully lonely.

RUSSELL

I need him back.

I want him back.

I want him.

TIMMY

Don't call him, Timmy. You are a strong man, an interesting man of character. This is a rich, interesting city, full of rich, interesting people! Try the singles scene, online dating! Your neighbors seem nice, save for the fellow who stays up all night shouting about whores.

DO NOT CALL RUSSELL DUNBAR.

RUSSELL

I went past his block tonight, wanted to stop, wanted to go in. Like what's he gonna do, let me in? Think I need to get really wasted, find some girl, and pretend I never met this guy. Except every girl I look at looks like Timmy. Timmy with boobs. Then they talk and they all have the funny voice and I can't stand it anymore.

Like he'd have let me into his apartment anyway.

Like he'd have let me touch him.

Fuck I want to touch him so bad.

TIMMY

Why do you even want to call him?

What would you even say to him?

RUSSELL

I still have that stupid thing of his at work. Sweater thing. He called and asked about it once, I lied. I shoved it under the desk, sometimes I lock the door and it's like he's still there. Smells like him.

This isn't right this isn't how it's supposed to go I'm not supposed to want this why do I want this?

I wanna hear that stupid voice. Damn it his voice is so annoying. I wish he'd call again.

TIMMY

I won't call.

TIMMY

Fuck Russell Dunbar.

RUSSELL

Those idiots are having a baby soon. Those other idiots are getting married soon.

Something about Timmy's work Visa, I'm sure he'll hammer that out...

Like I'm gonna hammer one out with those nurses at the hospital, am I right?

Yeah...you know it.

TIMMY

Fuck Russell Fuck Russell Fuck Russell FUCK RUSSELL FUCK RUSSELL ...

[editor's note: uncharacteristically, this went on for some time...an entire page, at least...it was unquestionably the most F-bombs Timmy Patel had ever committed to paper]

TIMMY

I'm not being deported. Probably. Maybe. I don't know what's happening.

I've gotten married. I think. It all happened rather fast.

And then Russell

[editor's note: entry cuts off abruptly there]

RUSSELL

Married Timmy yesterday. I got drunk.

Think I scared him off...think I said too much. Said the word. L word. Can't even write it down, how did I say it last night? Drunk I was drunk...hungover now.

He hates my guts.

At least he's not leaving right?

Okay gonna go barf now, not drunk barfing, that kind you do when you know you're the biggest fuck up in the world so you just blow chunks, yeah that kind.

TIMMY

no no no this is not happening

why is this happening

Why do I want it to keep happening?

I have felt lust before, naturally, but this is an indescribable sort of sensation. I am at once both intrigued and I hesitate to say repulsed, there is no true repulsion here now that I have given in, which I find increasingly shocking. (Succumbing to curiosity somehow cured whatever reservations my stomach held.) No I am...hesitant. As if there is a taboo element to what we are embarking on, but I'm coming to a conclusion that I do not wish to arrive at. I am resisting this conclusion. That this isn't sudden at all.

This has been escalating into something inescapable.

How long have I truly wanted this? Damn it all.

RUSSELL

Holy shit he kissed me today. HE kissed ME. What? WHAT?

I think he's coming over soon to fool around. Unless he chickens out, he could still do that.

I sound like some idiot teenage girl or something. Not like I know what that sounds like, what's that like? "Eeeh! My crush is coming over, I have to look nice!"

Shit, do I look okay? He's seen me look worse, right? This sounds crazy, what am I even talking about?

Damn it, he's here. Am I supposed to open the door? What do I do? Why am I asking you, you're a piece of paper. Okay, play this cool. He's just gonna come in, you'll kiss a little maybe you'll suck his dick, play it cool Russell.

OH MY GOD YOU WROTE THAT? ANSWER THE DOOR YOU MORON!

TIMMY

I have now been touched in ways that I believed this man incapable of touching another human being. And I have touched him back without hesitation. To say I am confused would be an understatement. To say my world has been uprooted and is now rushing madly through a whirlwind of unpredictability, yes, that would be more to the point.

I believe I am in love with Russell Dunbar. I believe these words now feel safe, but still quite foreign and dreadfully sudden.

He's my husband, and I have consummated the marriage. Heaven help me.

RUSSELL

I thought I knew what love was, I thought I'd dipped toes in that stuff, but holy shit if I'm in love right now then I've never been in love before cuz this is crazy.

Maybe it's because when he touches me, when he looks at me for a long time it feels like he means it. Kind of took a lot to get him here but I'm not letting him go. Like he can kick and scream and stuff but I'm tying him to the bed he's not going anywhere (maybe he's kinky maybe he's into that?).

He's sexy as hell, he can tie me to the bed if he wants. Ah damn it, I've gotta go make a call.

TIMMY

This is comfortable. For once I feel at peace with something in my life that has never felt quite right. A natural apprehension that comes with such a sudden shift, but relief at having let the dam burst, as it were.

Perhaps this has been the answer all along. When all this time, I've been trying to get away from this element of my reality, all it took was succumbing to it. Succumbing to him.

Now that we are living transparently, there feels a completion to this step in this journey of ours. We've come a long way, dear journal, and I'm not sure where we're going, and I'm quite terrified but at last I understand the previous few years of my life. They've led me here, to this place.

I don't have all the answers. All I truly know is that a very flawed, but very real human being seems to genuinely love me, and I've decided to love this human back. I do, I love him.

That's a good enough place to start.

RUSSELL

Woke up this morning and he wasn't in bed with me. Feel like he should be here all the time, now... ?

But he already texted today to say he loves me. Crazy how much he's saying it now, like he's trying to catch up to how many times he's said he hates me or something. Dude that's nuts can you imagine a year ago, Timmy texting "I love you" WTF man this is WEIRD.

I'm not used to being happy. Don't let that get around, stupid book. Like I'm not sure what happy feels like it's not in the normal Russell Dunbar rotation of emotions.

But yeah, Timmy Patel telling me he loves me...

I think this is what happy feels like. :)

xx