Bridget Jones: Beyond Reason
Chapter X
Purple Wedding Bell Blues
Weight: 9st 4 (Gah! Maid of honor dress no longer fits properly)Cigarettes: 10 (g. Alcohol Units:2 (v.g.) Purple pant sightings: 0
Monday December 319:15am Just found out that the entire Darcy clan, including pretentious Peter Darcy and wife who are still visiting from Hong Kong through the 15th of January, are attending Mum and Dad's wedding today. Not sure why, as surely he looks upon the Joneses as lower class life forms unworthy of his acquaintance. Why would he come unless he wanted another go at me. Well, I haven't the time. Much too busy trying to make the best of these hideous costumes Mum is having Una and me wear, while trying to cope with this terrible queasiness in stomach as a result of last night's party. Though, come to think of it, had consumed v. little alcohol. Had left Mark in London yesterday morning, as was my duty as maid of honor to host the obligatory hen night. What the hell does Mum need with a hen night? Technically she's already married and has been for almost 40 years. Sometimes just think maybe that's how long Dad has been held hostage.
Una did most of the planning for hen night. Knowing Mum and her, always trying to be younger than their years, had correctly predicted the involvement of a Tantra coach, exotic male dancer, or similar. When most women on the eve of their wedding would be swinging from the chandeliers, found self calmly sitting cross-legged on a mat "breathing" and discovering self's sexual energy. Felt more than a bit uneasy sitting across from Elaine Darcy learning how best to please her son sexually.
10:45am Mark had not seen his brother in 6 days, not since their fight on Christmas night. Their relationship now strained at best. Mark had come straight to the house for that reason, telling his parents that he would see them when they arrived at the church. When he arrived, looking dashing as usual, he immediately assured me that he was wearing his purple pants. He offered to give me a preview into tonight's ringing in of new year but unfortunately there had been no time for that at the moment as were all due at the church in 30 minutes to begin preparations.
11:45am "Bridget darling, I just don't think I can go through with this."
"What are you talking about Mum? You've already been through it for 38 years now!"
"Oh! Right. It must just be nerves then. Silly Mummy. Be a dear and help me put these feathers in my hair."
Brought Mum a cup of tea to settle her nerves then left to put on bride's maid dress. V. tight and uncomfortable, puckering across breasts and midsection. Was regretting how gluttonous self had been over Christmas holiday. Is absolutely imperative now to make New Year resolution to lose at least 1 and a half stone by self's own wedding in April. Can then be waifish and elegant, in manner of Kate Moss, when walking down aisle into the waiting arms of Mark Darcy. Second resolution: Must find out what's going on with self's sodding breasts, as are starting to resemble cumbersome, dark knobbed cantaloupes.
Ghastly gown with Yeti-like faux fur vest was literally sucking life out of me. Look similar to gigantic lilac beluga. Hopefully when I start to turn blue, Mark will give me mouth to mouth resuscitation and not someone like "Uncle" Geoffrey or scary cousin Harry with the bulging glass eye and out of control nose hair.
12:00pm Ugh! Still thinking about beluga. Think am going to be sick…
12:10pm Stuck head out of bridal room. The church was filled mostly with people unknown to self. Probably coming from far and away to witness in disbelief the re-union. How has Dad managed to put up with Mum for so many years…well, there is the heavy drinking. With a half loony mum and an alcoholic father, self was destined to have some personal issues. Humph.
Jude, Shazzer, and Magda had all finally arrived and were huddled together. Richard and Simon were separate, but near. Jamie was seated near the front of the church with his arm across the shoulders of a blonde…not Gillian. Mark was standing at the rear of the church, already dressed in dark suit for the ceremony, with Jeremy and Giles. He turned around when he heard the door squeak and flashed me a devastatingly sexy smile that made me feel like the luckiest woman on the planet.
3:35pm With only 5 minutes to go before show time, began to coach self on what to do while walking the procession as we all got into position in the vestry. My 4-year old twin nieces (Jamie's rarely seen by him offspring) were sharing flower girl duties, then Una, then me, then Mum in all her feathery ball gown poofiness. Must admit, she did look like a beautiful princess complete with glowing expectant bride aura.
While walking down the aisle MUST:
1. demonstrate poise and inner beauty (so as to negate outer disaster)
2. walk slowly to avoid getting heel caught in train of gown, thereby falling on Una, who would then fall on nieces, creating embarrassing domino effect, in which Mum would have to step over carnage to get to the alter.
3. look straight ahead, concentrating on Mark's face standing at alter with Dad, as to avoid making eye contact with Peter Darcy.
Upon entering the sanctuary, immediately broke rule number 3…and subsequently rule number 1 by casting my eyes directly into the black snake eyes of Rebecca Gillis. Gah! What the hell is she doing at my parent's wedding! Was so fixed on her as I moved up the aisle, did not stop when was supposed to, thus tripping over a step causing self to lunge into Dad, who more closely resembled a cross between Willy Wonka and the Purple Pie Man (nemesis of Strawberry Shortcake) than a groom.
As Mum and Dad exchange vows, tried to push thoughts of evil Rebecca as far away as possible and focus on the beautiful moment taking place. The recommitment of two souls after so many years of wedded quasi-bliss. Just hope that Mark and I can have the same enduring love that both of our parents share. As if had been thinking the exact same thing at the exact same moment, he glanced over at me with a glint in his eye and charmingly adoring hint of a smile. Is kismet! Hmmm…Can hardly wait to spend rest of self's life as Mrs. Bridget Darcy. Mrs. Bridget Jones-Darcy? Haven't decided what will call self yet.
Retreated from the church with Mark as my escort, not bothering to seek out Rebecca Gillis this time, as she was undoubtedly watching us enviously. As we walked, I asked Mark if he knew why she was there. He said that she was Giles's date, unbeknownst to him that he was just a pawn in her game and that she was most certainly not welcome. She, however, knew that she was not welcome. Also asked Mark if he had any idea why she keeps popping up everywhere. To which he replied that he did not have any idea.
We all gathered in the snow to watch as Mum, without coincidence, threw her illuminated bouquet directly at me. Unfortunately though, the ground was slippery and landed flat on my rear…but still managed to keep a firm grasp on the flowers. Hurrah! Superstition don't fail me now! Mark kissed me…and kissed me…and…when we reemerged from each other's spell, we were alone in the snow.
Other guests were leaving for the reception, but Mark and I lingered behind. Instead taking a walk. Was the first time that we had really had a serious conversation about our wedding, aside from deciding to have it in April. Lovely how weddings make even men sentimental. He made a gallant attempt at convincing me not to be so prideful and allowing him the "honour" of paying for the wedding, as money is not important, but my happiness is. V. sweet. Decided that this would be a nice church for the ceremony as well.
The reception was at Geoffrey and Una's home, decorated in, what else? Lilac and white crape bells, lilac roses, lilac… Mum and Dad weren't due to leave for their honeymoon until morning. Mum had arranged for a 7-day Tantric retreat in Hawaii, complete with their own spiritual advisor and personal tiki hut in which to practice their newly acquired skills. Must applaud Mum's powers of persuasion to get Dad to agree to such a thing. She will likely spend the two weeks trying to help him find his spiritual being, while he, in turn, will be trying to find the nearest wet bar. Can only imagine the wealth of enlightenment she will undoubtedly inflict upon Mark and me when they return. Ugh! V. likely to fall under the "too much information" category.
Best part of their honeymoon…no dreaded Turkey Curry Buffet. Hurrah!
Had been v. disappointed that had gone almost all day without so much as a hello to Urban Family. Tom was a no-show, saying that he regrets not being there but will be on a cruise to Aruba at the time of the wedding with boyfriend , Juan. Is that the hairdresser, the painter, or the professional volleyball player? Difficult to keep track of Tom's social agenda anymore.
Immediately set Jude and Shazzer to work to find out what possible reason the evil stick insect could have for being there. How dare she use sweet and fragile Giles Benwick in that manner. Surely she doesn't have a genuine interest in him. What a mismatched looking couple!
The girls dutifully accepted their assignment with fervor, leaving Simon and Richard alone yet again.
Spun around to search for Mark but instead found myself looking up at Peter Darcy, devastatingly handsome, in spite of himself.
"Ah, Bridget almost didn't recognize you there without a drink in your hand or tripping over something."
Responded first with fake, tight-lipped smile. Peter Darcy will not spoil my day! Deep breath…remember inner poise. Peter Darcy will not spoil my day. "Look! I love your brother and he loves me…and we are going to get married. I really don't care what YOU think of me Peter Darcy!"
"Oh but I think you do," he said with all the arrogant self-confidence of three Daniel Cleavers rolled into one. Gah!
Suddenly a booming voice from behind, "Leave her alone," was Mark. He grabbed Peter by the front of his dress shirt and pushed him up against the wall. "or I'll break your arms this time!" Nearby guests turned and gasped. Malcolm Darcy rushed over to extract his youngest son from his eldest's personal space.
"Relax, I was just saying hello." Peter started to walk away but then turned back. "You're becoming one of them, dear brother. Tsk. Tsk. What's next? Drunken sex in public?" Mark lunged at him again. Took me and Admiral Darcy to hold him back.
The Admiral then followed Peter, giving him hell all the way, until they disappeared into the crowd. Mark was more agitated than had seen him in a long time. My dear sweet protector. What a wonderful husband he will be.
Mark and I held each other close, our foreheads touching, swaying slightly to music that was only in our hearts.
5:20pm After a few hours the party was beginning to break up and as guests were leaving. Found myself being congratulated just as much as if I had been the bride. Mum had made a speech about her life with Dad, during which she went off on a tangent, as she so often does, about how her 35 year old spinster of a daughter had finally found a man that was actually willing to marry her and that she was looking forward to grandbabies in the v. near future. Gah! Dad eventually wrangled the microphone from her and thanked everyone for coming.
Mark was leaving too. We had ridden up separately, so would have to do the same going back. Said that he needed a little time to get my New Year surprise ready for me at home. What? More than just a purple pant striptease?
12:15am Was exhausted and crashed into a chair in Una's sitting room, plucking shoes off. Thought I was in the room alone as most everyone else had already left or was in another area of the house. "Bridge?" Was Shazzer. She and Jude came and sat next to me looking troubled.
"So what did the super snooping duo find out? Let me guess, she came with the intention of stalking Mark, but has now fallen madly in love with his evil brother Peter. Now there's a couple perfect for each other….Oh, I know, she was never actually interested in Mark at all, but was a clever scheme to make me jealous because it's me that she really wants. That's it isn't it?" Started to giggle but no one else joined in. "What's the matter?"
"We don't quite know how to tell you this…" They looked from me to each other and back again, taking my hand. "We confronted Rebecca and asked her what the fuck she was doing here."
"Guys you're scaring me. And she said?"
"We'll save the details but she claims that she and Mark…uh, slept together 3 days before Christmas."
"WHAT?"
Jude began to speak quickly. I began to panic. "Bridge, that's just what she said. It probably isn't true. Mark loves you. It's obvious to everyone that he only has eyes for you. He had just proposed to you for God's sake! It doesn't make sense."
Stared in stunned silence out the window. "I've got to go!" Was walking around in a trance-like state trying to find my coat and handbag.
"Bridget, you're in no condition to drive. Let Richard drive you and we'll follow." Jude took the keys from my hand.
In the car, went through a myriad of emotions; sadness, doubt, rage, and then back again. Had been the longest ride of my life to Mark's townhouse. Got out of the car without thanking Richard or taking keys and stormed up to the door, barely able to think straight. Was what Jude and Shazzer said about Rebecca true? Can't be! Can't be! Mark loves me…doesn't he?
Pounded on the door until a petite, porcelain-skinned Japanese stick insect opened it. Gah! "Who the hell are you!" Oh Christ! He's triple dipping!
"I am Yuki, Mr. Darcy's housekeepa," she answered in strange broken English, as in cross between Japanese, English, and Minnie Mouse. "You muss be…" Pause. So help me if she says Rebecca… "Brish-it." Hmm..had to make sure to match proper girl with name.
Pushed way past her. "Where is he?"
"In hi- office. Iss down the hall to the…" She looked at me frightfully as if I might bite her head off if she didn't shut her mouth immediately.
"I know where his sodding office is!" Headed directly into the book-lined room to find him sitting at his desk, laptop open.
"Bridget darling…you're back." He stood and began to approach me. "Thank you Yuki," he continued, looking in direction of the door.
Stepped back as he tried to pull me in for a hug. "What's wrong Bridget?"
"Did you really do it?"
"Do what?" Expression of guilty panic immediately washed over him.
"Did you sleep with Rebecca Gillis just before Christmas?" I spat. His face contorted and could see his Adam's apple bob as if swallowing a grapefruit whole. Long, agonizing pause. Oh God! Oh God No!
"Yes"
Stood unable to speak or move, not believing that it was true.
"Bridget it was an accident. I…I didn't mean to do it…you have to believe me."
"I'm supposed to believe that you accidentally slept with Rebecca Gillis? So you just accidentally fell on top of her…naked?" Thought self's head was going to explode from rage.
"It happened the night you threw me out of your flat…"
"Oh! So it's my fault?"
"No. No…I was so upset, sad, and angry that I couldn't even think straight. Instead of going home I went to the pub." He looked so truly pathetic. "Bridget, please believe me…I don't even know what happened after that. I woke up the next morning in bed with her."
Thoughts of Rebecca and all her lies, starting back with kissing her nephew in Gloucestershire, began overloading head. Turned toward door but wave of overpowering emotion seized my body like a heart attack and I dropped to my knees and cried and screamed uncontrollably. Mark without pause wrapped his arms around me from behind, burying his face in my hair. "Bridget, you are my heart. I'm never going anywhere."
My momentary sadness turned back to anger, and scrambled to my feet. "Yes, but I am." Nearly knocked over Yuki flinging open the door, who had apparently been listening at the door.
"What are you saying Bridget?"
"I don't trust you. We can't be together anymore." Slammed the front door.