Part X
Rey stayed in the garden pulling weeds until her fingers were stiff and caked in dirt. Cale stood steadfast up on the terrace watching her but also giving her space. He wasn't sure what to feel about this situation, it seemed that their entire team...the family that they had created under the leadership of their Master and his Mistress, was split in two and even Ren himself didn't know how to mend them.
It was no secret that after Rey thoroughly throttled him in this very same garden and after she bestowed his Knighthood upon him, that the cocky rookie Knight had a soft spot for the Empress. But was this affection enough for him to overlook the months of pain, of searching, and the scars that he now bore from her saber?
Rubbing at his right upper arm, he mused that now he had a scar that matched Rey's and he had to chuckle to himself, wishing to be a fly on the wall in that throne room when his Emperor and Empress actually worked together to defeat Snoke and bring down the First Order. He wondered if they could ever go back to that, to the two strongest Force uses working together to fend off the evil in the galaxy and pave the way for the next generations to know peace.
He wondered if baby Jacen would ever know peace or if he was just another doomed Skywalker to suffer the fate of his own family.
Cale was attempting to reconcile his personal feelings with his sense of duty. He would protect his Master's wife and child, would treat the Empress with respect and reserved kindness, but he also refused to take up arms against her. Even without her Force, Cale knew that Rey was a strong and formidable fighter. But if the Empress was to try and run again, if he was to let her go, Cale knew that Ren would come for the Knight's life first before setting off on another mission to capture instead of rescue Rey from her own circumstance.
He prayed that Rey wouldn't try to run and he hoped that the little kindness that he was planning to show her during her...confinement at the estate would prove that she could have a life with them again, the life with Ren that Cale heard them speak of often.
Who he truly felt sorry for apart from his Master, was Arlan. She was closest to Rey and she was not in the room when Hux rattled off his madness. Arlan wasn't there to see the quick and righteous justice that the Knights enacted against the remaining members of the First Order.
What Arlan did get to experience was being the only one who was able to see their Master at his weakest. She would pick him up, clean him up, and get him to go on. There was never any question of their deepening bond being anything other than platonic, and perhaps Arlan's strength reminded Ren of Rey, but the fact of the matter was that Rey was not there when her husband needed her the most and the Knights and guards had done their best to keep Ren from falling to pieces.
Cale offered Rey access to his mind back on Lianna and that offer would stand. He would make sure that Rey knew the truth, the truth behind the attack, the truth of their suffering, and lastly the truth of their relief but also leeriness over her return.
Arlan and Irris stood with Ben in the receiving room and he wanted to shoo them away, promising them that he could be trusted with the newborn, but he realized that they were just as in love with the little guy as his father was. Irris kept touching Jacen's feet, cooing how small they were and how she just wanted to kiss them until they fell off.
"Should I be worried about the safety of my son's toes in your care?" Ben asked with a smirk as he saw Jacen's face scrunch up almost in a smile at his cousin's teasing.
"There is no doubting that he will be the most loved and most spoiled kid in all the galaxy," Irris offered back, kissing at Jacen's little toes again and ignoring Ben's glib comment.
Sarna stood off to the side waiting to offer the doctors any assistance. She was thankful that the Emperor requested one of her colleagues from the hospital and not the palace doctors. The pediatrician and NICU staff were all satisfied with the small amount of weight that the baby gained over the past two days of nursing.
Ben only let go of Jacen when he absolutely had to, but when it came time to remove the tubes and he heard the shrill cry when the IV was pulled from Jacen's leg, Ben swooped back in, picking up his son and slamming open the bond.
Jacen calmed some with the warm presences of his father and Ben cooed down that he was being such a tough little man. Then came the feeding tube and Jacen wailed again. Ben wasn't sure how such an angry noise came from such a small person, but what surprised him the most was within the bond, Jacen was searching for his mother.
His eyesight wasn't completely developed yet, but Jacen searched for the voice, the smell, the touch of his mother and when he couldn't find it, he screamed louder. Supporting his son's head like Sarna showed him, Ben tried to console Jacen, but no amount of rocking or swaying would do.
He tried to think back to why he sent Rey ahead to the estate and all he could come up with was his own selfish needs. Ben wanted time with his son, he wanted to be able to sink into the bond without being under the watchful gaze of his wayward wife, but a deeper part of him wanted to hurt Rey by not allowing her to be here and his son showed him in an ear-splitting manner, that the only one hurt by this was Jacen.
Irris came up beside Ben and touched his forearm, "Let Auntie Irris hold him..."
As he transferred his son over to the Queen, he said with some snark, "Auntie?"
"Well fifth-cousin Irris doesn't have the same ring to it," and Irris held the baby to her chest, gently shushing him and rubbing at his back.
When Arlan came to stand beside her Emperor he spoke without looking down at her, "He wants Rey..."
"I told you that you should have..."
"I know," he snapped out, but then puffed out a breath. "I'm sorry. I just wanted some time with him. He only six days old and I feel like I have already missed so much."
Before any other words could be exchanged, Sarna walked up to the Emperor, "Would you like to feed him?"
Ben blinked as if he had been asked how to balance the Force, "Can I...am I allowed to..."
Sarna just gave a warm smile before bringing him over to another wingback chair. Ben sat and looked around the room anxiously. He held the baby during a tube feed and briefly watched Rey feed Jacen the previous night, but he didn't know what he was supposed to do and his palms began to sweat. Fears raced through his mind, what if he did it wrong, or dropped him...
He was about to call it all off when the nurse approached him with Jacen tucked into one arm and a bottle in her free hand. Before he could utter a decline, Sarna placed the baby in his father's large hand. Ben supported Jacen's head in his palm as the baby's long body stretched down his forearm.
His son was fussy at first, wouldn't take the bottle and Ben again questioned his rash decision to separate Rey and Jacen, even for these short hours. "Come on, kid. Work with me," Ben pleaded just above a whisper.
Finally, Jacen stilled, feeling his father's desperation through their bond and he blinked his glassy eyes as if giving in. He suckled the bottle of his mother's breast milk and reached up, closing his tiny fist around the thick finger of his father.
They were both absorbed with each other. Ben was lost to his son's cherub face and Jacen bathed in his father's perfect swirl of Dark and Light. The next time Ben looked up, only Sarna moved around the room, gathering items that would need to be taken out to Varykino that afternoon.
His son's eyelids became heavy just as the bottle was drained and as he was shown the night before, he cradled his son to his shoulder, lightly patting and rubbing at his back. Soft snorts and grunts came from Jacen as he slumbered on Ben's shoulder.
Without a word he stood and walked towards the door but was surprised to see Arlan sitting on a bench just outside of the guest quarters. He attempted to bypass her but she called out, "Ren...I promised Rey I wouldn't take my eyes off him."
"She still thinks I will take him away from her," He spoke in low tones as to not wake the baby so soundly sleeping in his arms.
"I think she is just as scared and confused as the rest of us."
With a sigh, Ben inclines his head, "Well I am going for a walk with my son and you are welcome to join if you must."
They walked the bight halls of the palace for almost an hour, neither spoke, mainly with the excuse that they didn't want to wake Jacen, but also because they were lost in their own minds. Ben felt his son dream and was completely in awe of the bond, while Arlan thought about her new assignment.
Ever since meeting Rey on Er'kit, Arlan knew that she liked the small woman so full of spunk and passion. Through her visits with the Emperor, Arlan came to know Rey and came to love her as a sovereign and as a friend. She knew that once Rey and Ren brought about peace to the galaxy and Rey took her rightful place at her husband's side, that Arlan would be assigned to Rey's household...but she never expected it to be like this.
She knew there would be children with the way that Ren and Rey went at it like teenagers, she expected to make sure the Empress was ready to deal with matters of state, she even wouldn't be surprised with having to break up more than a few saber fights, but going into this post with a broken heart was not what she ever counting on.
When Jacen started to stir again they made their way back to the guest quarters where Sarna walked the Emperor through his very first diaper change while he cursed and wondered how so much could come out of something so small. Arlan may have giggled from across the room. "We better get him back to his mother before he gets hungry."
Ben gathered his freshly changed son back into his arms and walked with the two women out into the courtyard where he landed the shuttle just hours before. Once they reached the ramp Ben handed Jacen off to the nurse who would also stay with his son and Rey until Jacen was medically cleared. "You won't join us?" Arlan asked.
"I promised that I wouldn't separate Rey and Jacen, but I'm just not ready to..."
The guard with violet eyes reached out and gripped his forearm reassuringly. "We searched for her for so long and now that she is found...it's like..." she lost her words knowing that this should be a happy time, but all they felt was devastated and empty.
Ben reached out, stroking his fingers along the tick marks that he only noticed on his flight back from Varykino. Just like himself, Rey started their clock again, wiped the slate clean as if the first five hundred and twenty-seven days of their relationship never happened or were meaningless, but so much happened during that time and he ached when wondering what their new five hundred and twenty-seven would look like.
"We can't go backward, we can't take back our words or our actions," he looked down at his trusted guard and let his hand fall away from the hull door. "We just have to move forward and trust that the Force will make right what was so horribly led astray."
Turning further into the shuttle and crouching in front of the nurse, Ben laid his hand on Jacen's head and opened the bond again before bending forward and kissing his son's forehead.
Back out in the courtyard he watched the shuttle take off and he started to question if he could be away from his son, even if it was by a short twenty minute flight outside of the city, but as much as he yearned for Jacen's presence, he also didn't think that his heart could take being around Rey. He knew that words said in anger would only further hinder any ability for them to heal.
Rey was his Empress, his wife, the mother of his child, and if she ever opened herself back up to the cosmos, his equal and balance in the Force. None of these facts became irrelevant with her misguided decisions, his love and compassion for her did not disappear completely, it was just fortified behind a wall that he wondered if they would ever overcome.
So with a fatigued mind and heavy heart, he made his way back into the palace and to his quarters to meditate and seek guidance through his connection to the Cosmic Force.
The comm unit on Cale's wrist beeped and he called out to the Empress, "They are leaving the palace if you want to come inside and get washed up."
Even though she had pockmarks from gravel on her knees, Rey jumped up and raced towards the house. She wouldn't be able to get away with not taking a shower especially since she wanted to try and nurse Jacen as soon as she could get her arms around him, so she entered the fresher, again trying to ignore the feelings that being back in this place elicited in her.
Slipping on a fresh tunic just as she heard the ion engines approaching, Rey moved as quickly as her still healing body would allow, hardly noticing Cale falling into step behind her, as she exited the house and waited on the grassy plane just outside the gates of the estate.
The sight of her son bundled in blankets and being held in Arlan's arms made Rey want to drop to her knees, but she just stepped forward and looked down at a sleeping and thankfully tube free Jacen. "How did he do?" She asked looking up at the guard and scooping her son out of Arlan's hold.
"Wasn't the biggest fan of having the feeding tube removed, but I think Ren was in worse shape than this little trooper."
Rey's gaze came back up again, her eyes asking the question that she didn't need to speak.
Arlan just sighed, taking Rey's elbow and leading her back towards the house as Tyris and the nurse worked to unload the shuttle. "Ren worries about your son and with whatever bond he has with Jacen...it seems their feelings affect the other, but I guess you would know more about the influence of the Force than me...or perhaps you once did."
Deciding to ignore the verbal dig that hurt Rey more than it should, she just focused on her son, taking him into the house, settling into a chair to feed him and then getting him down for a nap.
Apart from being constantly watched over by elite guards and Knights of Ren, Rey's life felt almost normal. Sarna was teaching her everything she needed to know about caring for a newborn and Rey also wanted to beg the nurse to stick around for the toddler and teen years which she read were the worst.
A week into her confinement, Jacen spiked a fever and before Arlan could even send a comm up to the palace, Ben was landing the MK3 out on the lawn. Sarna gave the baby some medication and watched him closely but it was only when Ben came sweeping into the bedroom that Jacen started to calm.
"Let me hold our boy," he said as he reached for Jacen and Rey begrudgingly handed over their son.
"He called to you, didn't he?" She asked.
Ben just nodded, rocking the child and then pressing his son to his chest. Seeing the hurt on Rey's face, that their son would want his father for comfort over his mother, Ben decided to give her a token of hope, "He wonders about you often."
Rey's gaze rose to meet her husband's, "What do you mean?"
Looking around them, Ben noticed that Sarna had slipped out of the room and they were alone in their sleeping quarters with just their son to come between them. This realization made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end and with a pleading expression, hoping that Rey would understand his discomfort, Ben paced from the room but did make sure to pause long enough to see that Rey was following.
"In the bond, like our bond was, we are able to exchange information...feelings and memories mostly." In each new room they entered, the guards seemed to slink out wordlessly in order to give the Emperor and Empress privacy, and Ben finally came to a stop out on the terrace. The day was bright but a cool breeze came off the lake so he tucked the knitted blanket further around his son.
"He gets so excited when I show him memories of you with your saber," Ben said while smiling down at Jacen.
"You showed him our duels?" Rey said in disbelief. "He's two weeks old and you are already showing him that kind of violence?"
Ben's expression dropped into impassive anger and he fought to not bare his teeth at her, "If you are asking if I showed him both times you held a saber to my neck with the intent to kill...the answer is no, but Jacen knows that he should have this same bond with you and is so confused why you are denying him."
Rey's mouth opened and closed a few times, not knowing how to reply, and before she could, Ben spoke again, "My son wants me here and it would be more pleasant of a visit if I didn't have you questioning my parenting decisions." He nodded his head towards the house, "I will have Arlan fetch you when I am finished."
Again Rey opened her mouth, going as far to also reach out her hand, an apology just hanging on her tongue, but she couldn't bring herself to speak. During her entire pregnancy, she was Jacen's sole protector, his sole provider, she would have given anything to have even just one parent love her as much as she loved her son, so perhaps it was hard for her to let go of some of that control. She may have even caught herself snapping at Cale for leaving a window open or Tyris for setting a cup of hot tea too close to the edge of her nightstand while she was nursing.
More than anger, Rey felt embarrassed and gave a tight-lipped nod before crossing the terrace and going down into the garden. She rationalized to herself that she would be far enough away to give Ben the time he needed...the time he deserved with Jacen, but also close enough that she could hear her son cry.
Between feedings, naps, and being ever thankful for Sarna's presence, Rey had been working on clearing some dead roses out of a bed in the garden. The thorns left their marks along her forearms and palms and she spent that first day crying over the obvious symbolism and her heart ached for Rose, wondered about Rylea, and hated that they were not raising their babies together as they planned.
But Rey knew why Rose needed space. She knew why everyone needed space. Arlan was around when needed but the guard was not going out of her way to be overly friendly. The dreams of walking arm in arm with the women who loved and encouraged her seemed so far off and Rey wished she could go back...could pause, breathe, and ask a simple question.
More than coming to terms with her own decisions, thinking back to that day on Dantooine, when the bond opened and she reacted instead, Rey questioned if she would have even trusted his answer if she had just asked if her husband had anything to do with the attack.
He begged her when he came back late from the mission on Mairne, he asked her to never doubt their love, connection, and the fact that he would always come back for her. Why did she doubt him when it mattered the most?
Her internal interrogation only caused her to stab the hand trowel harder into the compacted soil as she prepared the bed for planting. "How are you going to come back from this one?" She whispered to herself.
Ben walked up to the stone railing, a drowsy Jacen in his arms and he watched Rey work in the garden. The moment that she walked away, Ben's posture caved in and he sighed. He hated when she looked so broken and he almost wanted to yell at her to fight back. If his parents showed him anything about marriage, it was that at least they were passionate in their quarrels and each time Han walked away, Leia would cry, muttering to herself that the scoundrel hadn't even cared enough to stay and fight for them.
Each time that Rey stayed silent, each time she just cried, and wouldn't meet his gaze, he waited for her to care enough to do something...anything to show that she was willing to work on this as well.
Jacen stirred in his arms, replaying the more innocent aspects of their courtship, how Ben had been patient with Rey, slowly and softly gaining her affections, and Ben had to snot down at his wise little son calling the Emperor of the galaxy out on being a complete ass to Rey.
"I'm still so angry," Ben admitted down to his son. "Your mama hurt me so badly...but I'm trying. I promise, I'm trying," and he nuzzled his forehead to Jacen's as if they were solidifying an unbreakable pact.
So they stood on the terrace and watched Rey work in the garden. It was interesting to see his wife, Rey of Jakku, who scraped for enough water to just sustain herself, so adamantly working in the flower beds. She had loved this place, dreamed of their family here, and through the bond, Ben showed Jacen his mother running through the grassy hills, laughing, and looking up at Ben with such love and joy in her eyes.
Growth, he thought to himself as he watched Rey pull out what was dead and decaying. She was trying to fix what was broken, she wanted to nurture something barren into something beautiful. She was trying, and perhaps if he could be less imposing and demanding, if he could be more accommodating to her feelings, then she would fight, she would care, and they could start to move forward in whatever capacity of their relationship that was still salvageable.
His son whimpered and then started in on a full out cry, calling out for Rey in the bond, and as Ben looked out over the garden, seeing Rey turn to look over her shoulder, soil staining her hands and streaked across one of her cheeks, Ben thought about a very different future than the one they were experiencing now. One where she would once more smile up at him instead of cowering away in fear, and he was resolved to also grow and...try.
Ben held on to Jacen long enough for Rey to get cleaned up and then he watched her take him away to feed him, change him, and get him down for his afternoon nap. Sarna promised to keep an eye on the temperature and call for the doctors if needed. He exchanged a long look with Arlan who had been sending him daily updates and even taking pictures with her datapad that she would later comm over to him.
He would not admit it yet, perhaps even to himself, but it was killing him to be away from his son, but each time Ben saw his wife, a piece of his soul reached out to her. But each time it was met with the stagnate silence of their broken bond and her absent Force, and he found it even harder to move towards understanding how they had gone so wrong, so quickly.
Rey continued her routine of feeding her son every few hours and finally, just after sundown, she ate her own supper with the rest of the household…well except for Jix who she would only see a few times a day with nothing more than more curt words of doing boundary sweeps of the property.
When the moon was full and reflecting off the dark lake waters, Rey yawned while feeding Jacen once again. As much as she enjoyed the bonding, the way he studied her with his dark hazel eyes, or how he pressed his small hand to her chest, at this late of an hour Rey was starting to feel like one of the milking nerfs from Eadu.
Her breasts were sore and her nipples starting to chap and she felt no hesitation in showing Sarna, begging for any relief. Pumping, a hot shower, some salve, and rest was what the nurse prescribed and as Rey thanked the blonde woman with deep skin, her thoughts floated to Rose, wondering how her dear friend was doing this…being a mother, all alone.
Rey fell asleep with very little resistance from her body or mind. It may have been minutes or hours later when she woke to a cry, but as she came to, she realized that it was just one of the water birds that would come to roust around the estate. Since she was awake, she figured she could attempt to feed Jacen and then get a few more hours rest.
The room was dark and quiet as she padded over to her son's bassinet. Looking down Rey's heart started to race when she saw that it was empty and she frantically moved around the bedding as if she would find him under the simple blankets. Gazing around the room, she didn't see Sarna, but one of the terrace doors was open causing the gauzy curtains to billow in the night air.
Grabbing the knitted blanket from the bassinet, Rey moved towards the terrace, hearing a musical humming coming from just beyond the doors. She paused just long enough to see Arlan rocking Jacen and singing a low melody, but then as a chilled breeze rolled in off the lake she snapped, "What do you think you are doing?"
Arlan's face whipped around and she saw Rey striding towards her, "I could tell that you were tired, so when he got fussy I gave him a bottle so that you could rest."
Rey looked as if she'd been slapped, "What gives you the right to decide what is best for me or my son?"
"Empress…" Arlan tried.
"I can take care of my son," Rey held out the blanket and took Jacen back into her arms. "He's sick…he's fragile, you can't just…"
Arlan closed her eyes for just a moment, taking in a deep breath, but the woman before her was not her ruler, not the wife of her Master, Rey just was a friend who betrayed her and couldn't even be bothered to acknowledge that Ren isn't the only person hurt by Rey's actions.
So as she released Jacen back into his mother's arms, Arlan broke, "And who's fault is that, Rey?" When she only received stunned silence in reply, she continued. "Everything you have done since Dantooine has put your son at risk and you are so blinded by fear that you can't see that despite all the pain you have caused, we are just trying to help you!"
Rey bristled, holding Jacen tighter to her chest, "How dare you talk to me…"
"No," Arlan cut her off. "How dare you." Narrowing her eyes and pointing her finger, Arlan felt tears well in her eyes, "I loved you, trusted you! You weren't just my Empress, you were my friend, and you just left, cut us all off!"
That same feeling, like a saber, was piercing her heart made Rey stagger and her hardened expression crumbled, "Arlan…I…I'm sorry…"
"Sorry doesn't fix the sleepless nights not knowing if you were alive or dead. Sorry doesn't earn you back any of my trust or respect and it sure as hell won't get you very far with the rest of the Knights who had to feel Ren's pain through their bond.
"I promised you that I would ensure that you were not separated from your son and I promised Ren that I would look out for you and I intend to keep the promises that I make." She took in a calming breath, closing her eyes and allowing a few tears to slip down her tanned cheeks, "I only wish that you would have kept your vows and I am keeping mine."
Rey wanted to call out to the guard, wanted to offer some words that would convert the that she too wished for the same things…that if the Force could send her back in time to do it all again…but what was done was done.
Nuzzling her nose into the fine but thick curls atop Jacen's head, Rey spoke down to her son, "I only did what I thought I had to in order to protect you, but instead your mama hurt a lot of people, including your daddy. Now I pray to the Maker that I can atone and one day be free of all this pain."
AN: I have to say that I have some pretty amazing readers. Your comments have been inspiring. I can't express how humbled I am by the responses saying how this story touching each of you emotionally. Thank you for hanging in there with me...I think the next chapter will be very pleasing to you all.
Please remember to keep your comments coming...they truly keep me going and come visit me on Tumblr (thedangertaylor), I post mood boards and repost way too much Reylo art.